Saturday, 8th November 2014 - Mostly An Awesome Week - Long May it Continue!!

Here I am sitting at the computer at 5.40pm on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon and I really don't know where the week has gone! It is not because I have been drinking all week because I have not.

Some interesting things have happened to me this week, some good and some, well, challenging.

So I will start from the beginning of the week and work forward - that is logical for me :)

Monday was my first official Monday working where I started doing some "hands- on" things for my new job. It all went swimmingly well until I got home from work. My middle child had asked for a couple of friends (5 to be exact) to stay over and we agreed that it would be OK on the pretence that they behaved. All was going well but after dinner they asked if we could drop them to a friend's house as he was going away and was having a farewell party (no alcohol and parent supervision). Being a Monday night and most people having work or school the next day we did not think that would be a problem because we were going to pick them up. All was great until 11pm! Then girls decided they wanted to stay at a friends house. That was OK but at 2am daughter rings to ask if we could open the door for her and her friend who came home because they had an argument with the other girls. Then at 6am another girl came knocking at our door to be let in because she also had an argument with the girls and had been awake all night! Not much sleep that night but I did not have work so I could sleep in but poor hubby had to go to work. Other parents weren't that happy that girls did not stay at ours when they were supposed to.

Tuesday - afternoon when they woke up they I had a "chat" with them about expectations. The problem was I had had a couple of drinks before hand so they took no notice of course. Did not end out to be a good day!

Wednesday - I woke up to a frosty reception (as to be expected) and a massive temper tantrum from my almost 14 year old! Yep, pay back and it certainly was. I was trying to be calm and reasonable because I had to get to work as my boss had come up from Christchurch (1 hour flight) at around 7am to get a progress report! My daughter begged me not to go to work but I just had to and I was strong enough that I just walked away and went to work. I rang her from work and told her I loved her and that I would be proud of her if she just got going and went to school - she eventually did that and what a relief that was. The day was very productive and I had a nice surprise when I got home from work. I jumped on my emails and there was an email from a Rehab Centre in Florida asking if I would write an article! At first I laughed and thought it to be a hoax but then I checked out the links and it is an actual Rehab! I was flattered but I thought why me? I can't write to save myself! All I do here is just blurt out whatever is in my head with no real structure. I haven't written and article in my life! I have a degree in Accounting not in Journalism or English! So I said yes I would have a go if it is going to help someone else. I was very honest with the fact that I still struggle on a daily basis to be sober but I have had far more sobriety and a lot less drunken incidents since I have been on social media than before hand.

Thursday - After a nice quiet and peaceful Wednesday night and a half pie decent sleep I was off to work happy. No temper tantrums or dramas just my youngest dragging her feet to get to school because she is not keen on whatever she had first spell. Anyway, it was pouring with rain and I left in a rush and got part way down the motorway and discovered I had left a very necessary part of my work behind. My laptop!!! So, I have to drive to the closest exit and then drive home to get the laptop and turn around and head back to work. I got in late and they were worrying that I might have decided I don't want the job! No such luck I thought - they are not getting rid of me that easy. Another nice day at work but I had to work later to make up the time but that was OK. I decided to stop at the supermarket on the way home to get a couple of necessary things and then checked my phone and had a "odd" message from one of my middle childs' friends mother. She sent me a text asking me to "help her because she was drunk and had spent all of her money and needed to go back for some respite at a care centre" (She is in the process of having a major Bi- Polar incident). She was in a bar and I thought "well this is going to be interesting". I bought myself a drink of lime and soda which I was really pleased about because it would have been so easy to buy and alternative and she was trying to force me to drink with her. (Sounds like something I would do if I wanted an excuse to get drunk but did not want to drink alone). The fact that I was in a bar created panic for my family but I managed to extract myself from the bar and told her I would come back and get her and take her back to the hospital. Talk about difficult - man drunk people can be a pain in the arse!! It was interesting and extremely frustrating being on the other side of the drinking situation. Long story short - we managed to get the hospital to come and pick her up from her house and I finally got back to my family at 8.30pm. I was sober but I was emotionally exhausted.

Friday - Got to work at 9am which was a small miracle because my youngest was excellent and happy and at school on time. It was my last day with the Accountant that was finishing up and there were a lot of distractions with people saying 'goodbye" etc, All in all it was a good day but just as I was about to wish her goodbye and good luck (as you do) the CEO turns up to take her out for farewell drinks. It was time for me to meet and greet him and he was insistent that I stay behind for one drink. He poured me a glass of wine and my brain was having a brawl! One side was saying "go on drink it, you know you want to" and the other side is saying "if you drink that it will all be down hill because you won't be able to stop". I had a couple of sips and then forced myself to make an excuse to leave as I needed to pick up a child (lies, lies but good lies - if there is such a thing). I left but just having a taste for the wine my alcoholic brain was going "stop and get some more it was yummy and you really want more don't you?". It took all my strength to just drive home and I was proud of myself  and Iwas honest with my family and thought that they would be pleased with the decision I made but, no they were furious that I even considered taking a few sips. After all, zero is the right number isn't it? They are right because I know my alcoholic brain will trick me into thinking that if I can just have a few sips then I can drink "normally". Hello? When have I ever been able to "drink normally" in the last few years? Food for thought.

Anyway, that was my week and now we start again - I wonder what this week will bring?

Sunday 2 November 2014 - A Brand New Me.

These posts are getting seemingly more spread out but it is not because I am in the throws of drinking as it would have been in the past. It is because I feel like a brand new person.

I had my first week at my new job and I love the fact that I have a purpose. I can get up in the morning and have a shower and get dressed into respectable clothes (rather my normal sloppy ones), put some make up on and head off to a job which I can tell will be very fulfilling.

I have been motivated and organised and present all week and it is a wonderful feeling, The dynamics in my house have changed dramatically. People aren't walking around on "eggshells" not knowing how others are going to react if I have been drinking, how I will react to their reactions etc. A calmness has settled in and even the dogs are quieter and more content.

I have been out shopping today with hubby for a bit of retail therapy because all my lovely work clothes of the past are far too small. I really have let myself go and am now on a mission to get back into some of these clothes by losing 20kgs. That is my goal. But, I am not going to beat myself about it and become depressed because that just creates a cycle that repeats a downhill slide and I am on the way up this time and heading in a much more positive direction.

The only real concerning thing about the new job is the preparation for Christmas activities. Unfortunately, I am part of the management team which is expected to attend functions. The first one is in a couple of weeks and it is a lunch and a wine tasting and a tour of 4 vineyards. I am getting pressure from my family not to attend because of the obvious temptation and on the other hand, I am getting pressure from my new boss to attend to be seen as wanting to be part of the organisation management structure. I do not really want to come straight out and say "I am scared to go as I am an alcoholic in early sobriety". Why? Well, I don't know these people from a "bar of soap" and am not sure what impact that would have on me in the organisation. On the other hand, I don't want to go and get tempted, get plastered and make a fool of myself as that is sure to have a very negative impact on me. What to do, what to do?

I am not going to stress about it at the moment because I have some time to formulate a plan. The easiest thing to do is make an excuse to not go but part of me wants to go to prove to myself that I can do it.  The big question is can I do it?