Well, here I am sitting at the computer at 10.05pm on a Monday evening which happens to be the longest day over here in sunny New Zealand. It has just got dark and it is humid but I am sober and I am calm and generally happy.
Last Friday 19th December 2014 it was time for me to be sentenced by the courts for effectively my 4th drink driving offence. I was duly sentenced and really was lucky I was not off to jail. I have a new piece of jewelry around my ankle for four months whilst I am on curfew from 7pm to 7am 7 days per week. The jewelry is bulky and very obvious and I feel like an animal being tracked but that is the consequences of my behavior which was fueled by alcohol. It is certainly better than the alternative and although it is a nuisance to my family because we cannot go away (as a family) anywhere until the end of April 2015 it is not the end of the world and I will just have to wear trousers during the summer when I go out anywhere.
I also lost my licence for 1 year and 1 day as well got 100 hours community work but that is Ok. The best thing about this whole situation is that I feel this absolute determination never ever to drink again. I have said this before and meant it but had the nagging voice in my head and eventually given into the alcohol after a few days. This time, every time that nagging voice appears I tell it to "fuck off and leave me alone" and it does. I have only been sober 7 days again so far but, I feel that for the very first time ever, the desire to drink has finally gone.
It was quite funny after court last Friday. I had to report into Probation and I was sitting in the waiting room. A young man comes up to me as says "Miss, are you a Probation Officer?", I say "no, I am not a Probation Officer!". He says, "wow, you don't look like a criminal, you look like a normal person!". I say, "Ok, what does a criminal look like? I am a normal person, just like you, but I have made some mistakes and have to suffer the consequences". He just looked at me a did not know what to say and walked away and sat down. For me, that was my turning point in my thinking and my absolute hatred for alcohol. Alcohol does not care whether you look like a normal person or a criminal. Alcohol, if you let it, will inhibit your ability to make sensible decision and inhibit your behaviour so that you will do things way out of character from what you would normally do sober. Not anymore - not for me anyway.
I am back and I am back to stay and this is the new beginning of me recreating myself. Watch this space :)
Monday 22 December 2014
Thursday 11 December 2014
Yes I am Alive. Thursday 11 December 2014
Gosh I have been so remiss. With myself primarily but depression has set in big time. I am trying to drag myself out of a big black hole - yet again. How many of these big black holes are there and really how do you get yourself out when you are feeling so low?
In a nutshell, my past, yet again has come and bit me in the ass.
About 6 weeks ago I was offered a job and I was thrilled. First time I had employment for 5 years but......
I was not 100% honest about my past convictions and, frankly I doubt if I would have had a "look-in" if was honest. Because I had to go back to court two weeks ago and maybe now sentence to Electronic monitoring with an anklet I am so gutted and my employer was contacted and they "let me go". I feel like I am a sex offender/murder or worse not that I am an alcoholic struggling with this hideous disease. Today I have the "fuck its"!
It all stems from alcohol!
In April, I blasted up to my brothers' house on the pretense to "make amends" but he was not ready and I was angry - "why should they not listen to me? Duh - it is not all about me". So I bashed on the door, took wine with me and then sat in the car. They called the police, I was a bitch and refused to leave and the rest is history, For them, but really real for us, as next week (just on Christmas time) I will be restricted as to what I can and cannot do. Means we can't go away to see my hubby elderly parents and frankly, can't go anywhere at all. I am likely not to be able to help hubby get the girls from a party (I am normally the pacifier) he is the grumpy bunny that no one wants. eek.
I am alive and so I guess that is a bonus. Come on Cherie - get a grip girl. I am so tired but I can't sleep. It is now 3..20pm and my middle child is asking for me. It is just so I say yes because I am constantly guilty. My youngest is home asking me to take her to do this or that. My son is yelling at me because the technician took a cord out of the tv. Off to pretend everything is "fine and dandy" - yeah right
In a nutshell, my past, yet again has come and bit me in the ass.
About 6 weeks ago I was offered a job and I was thrilled. First time I had employment for 5 years but......
I was not 100% honest about my past convictions and, frankly I doubt if I would have had a "look-in" if was honest. Because I had to go back to court two weeks ago and maybe now sentence to Electronic monitoring with an anklet I am so gutted and my employer was contacted and they "let me go". I feel like I am a sex offender/murder or worse not that I am an alcoholic struggling with this hideous disease. Today I have the "fuck its"!
It all stems from alcohol!
In April, I blasted up to my brothers' house on the pretense to "make amends" but he was not ready and I was angry - "why should they not listen to me? Duh - it is not all about me". So I bashed on the door, took wine with me and then sat in the car. They called the police, I was a bitch and refused to leave and the rest is history, For them, but really real for us, as next week (just on Christmas time) I will be restricted as to what I can and cannot do. Means we can't go away to see my hubby elderly parents and frankly, can't go anywhere at all. I am likely not to be able to help hubby get the girls from a party (I am normally the pacifier) he is the grumpy bunny that no one wants. eek.
I am alive and so I guess that is a bonus. Come on Cherie - get a grip girl. I am so tired but I can't sleep. It is now 3..20pm and my middle child is asking for me. It is just so I say yes because I am constantly guilty. My youngest is home asking me to take her to do this or that. My son is yelling at me because the technician took a cord out of the tv. Off to pretend everything is "fine and dandy" - yeah right
Sunday 9 November 2014
Saturday, 8th November 2014 - Mostly An Awesome Week - Long May it Continue!!
Here I am sitting at the computer at 5.40pm on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon and I really don't know where the week has gone! It is not because I have been drinking all week because I have not.
Some interesting things have happened to me this week, some good and some, well, challenging.
So I will start from the beginning of the week and work forward - that is logical for me :)
Monday was my first official Monday working where I started doing some "hands- on" things for my new job. It all went swimmingly well until I got home from work. My middle child had asked for a couple of friends (5 to be exact) to stay over and we agreed that it would be OK on the pretence that they behaved. All was going well but after dinner they asked if we could drop them to a friend's house as he was going away and was having a farewell party (no alcohol and parent supervision). Being a Monday night and most people having work or school the next day we did not think that would be a problem because we were going to pick them up. All was great until 11pm! Then girls decided they wanted to stay at a friends house. That was OK but at 2am daughter rings to ask if we could open the door for her and her friend who came home because they had an argument with the other girls. Then at 6am another girl came knocking at our door to be let in because she also had an argument with the girls and had been awake all night! Not much sleep that night but I did not have work so I could sleep in but poor hubby had to go to work. Other parents weren't that happy that girls did not stay at ours when they were supposed to.
Tuesday - afternoon when they woke up they I had a "chat" with them about expectations. The problem was I had had a couple of drinks before hand so they took no notice of course. Did not end out to be a good day!
Wednesday - I woke up to a frosty reception (as to be expected) and a massive temper tantrum from my almost 14 year old! Yep, pay back and it certainly was. I was trying to be calm and reasonable because I had to get to work as my boss had come up from Christchurch (1 hour flight) at around 7am to get a progress report! My daughter begged me not to go to work but I just had to and I was strong enough that I just walked away and went to work. I rang her from work and told her I loved her and that I would be proud of her if she just got going and went to school - she eventually did that and what a relief that was. The day was very productive and I had a nice surprise when I got home from work. I jumped on my emails and there was an email from a Rehab Centre in Florida asking if I would write an article! At first I laughed and thought it to be a hoax but then I checked out the links and it is an actual Rehab! I was flattered but I thought why me? I can't write to save myself! All I do here is just blurt out whatever is in my head with no real structure. I haven't written and article in my life! I have a degree in Accounting not in Journalism or English! So I said yes I would have a go if it is going to help someone else. I was very honest with the fact that I still struggle on a daily basis to be sober but I have had far more sobriety and a lot less drunken incidents since I have been on social media than before hand.
Thursday - After a nice quiet and peaceful Wednesday night and a half pie decent sleep I was off to work happy. No temper tantrums or dramas just my youngest dragging her feet to get to school because she is not keen on whatever she had first spell. Anyway, it was pouring with rain and I left in a rush and got part way down the motorway and discovered I had left a very necessary part of my work behind. My laptop!!! So, I have to drive to the closest exit and then drive home to get the laptop and turn around and head back to work. I got in late and they were worrying that I might have decided I don't want the job! No such luck I thought - they are not getting rid of me that easy. Another nice day at work but I had to work later to make up the time but that was OK. I decided to stop at the supermarket on the way home to get a couple of necessary things and then checked my phone and had a "odd" message from one of my middle childs' friends mother. She sent me a text asking me to "help her because she was drunk and had spent all of her money and needed to go back for some respite at a care centre" (She is in the process of having a major Bi- Polar incident). She was in a bar and I thought "well this is going to be interesting". I bought myself a drink of lime and soda which I was really pleased about because it would have been so easy to buy and alternative and she was trying to force me to drink with her. (Sounds like something I would do if I wanted an excuse to get drunk but did not want to drink alone). The fact that I was in a bar created panic for my family but I managed to extract myself from the bar and told her I would come back and get her and take her back to the hospital. Talk about difficult - man drunk people can be a pain in the arse!! It was interesting and extremely frustrating being on the other side of the drinking situation. Long story short - we managed to get the hospital to come and pick her up from her house and I finally got back to my family at 8.30pm. I was sober but I was emotionally exhausted.
Friday - Got to work at 9am which was a small miracle because my youngest was excellent and happy and at school on time. It was my last day with the Accountant that was finishing up and there were a lot of distractions with people saying 'goodbye" etc, All in all it was a good day but just as I was about to wish her goodbye and good luck (as you do) the CEO turns up to take her out for farewell drinks. It was time for me to meet and greet him and he was insistent that I stay behind for one drink. He poured me a glass of wine and my brain was having a brawl! One side was saying "go on drink it, you know you want to" and the other side is saying "if you drink that it will all be down hill because you won't be able to stop". I had a couple of sips and then forced myself to make an excuse to leave as I needed to pick up a child (lies, lies but good lies - if there is such a thing). I left but just having a taste for the wine my alcoholic brain was going "stop and get some more it was yummy and you really want more don't you?". It took all my strength to just drive home and I was proud of myself and Iwas honest with my family and thought that they would be pleased with the decision I made but, no they were furious that I even considered taking a few sips. After all, zero is the right number isn't it? They are right because I know my alcoholic brain will trick me into thinking that if I can just have a few sips then I can drink "normally". Hello? When have I ever been able to "drink normally" in the last few years? Food for thought.
Anyway, that was my week and now we start again - I wonder what this week will bring?
Some interesting things have happened to me this week, some good and some, well, challenging.
So I will start from the beginning of the week and work forward - that is logical for me :)
Monday was my first official Monday working where I started doing some "hands- on" things for my new job. It all went swimmingly well until I got home from work. My middle child had asked for a couple of friends (5 to be exact) to stay over and we agreed that it would be OK on the pretence that they behaved. All was going well but after dinner they asked if we could drop them to a friend's house as he was going away and was having a farewell party (no alcohol and parent supervision). Being a Monday night and most people having work or school the next day we did not think that would be a problem because we were going to pick them up. All was great until 11pm! Then girls decided they wanted to stay at a friends house. That was OK but at 2am daughter rings to ask if we could open the door for her and her friend who came home because they had an argument with the other girls. Then at 6am another girl came knocking at our door to be let in because she also had an argument with the girls and had been awake all night! Not much sleep that night but I did not have work so I could sleep in but poor hubby had to go to work. Other parents weren't that happy that girls did not stay at ours when they were supposed to.
Tuesday - afternoon when they woke up they I had a "chat" with them about expectations. The problem was I had had a couple of drinks before hand so they took no notice of course. Did not end out to be a good day!
Wednesday - I woke up to a frosty reception (as to be expected) and a massive temper tantrum from my almost 14 year old! Yep, pay back and it certainly was. I was trying to be calm and reasonable because I had to get to work as my boss had come up from Christchurch (1 hour flight) at around 7am to get a progress report! My daughter begged me not to go to work but I just had to and I was strong enough that I just walked away and went to work. I rang her from work and told her I loved her and that I would be proud of her if she just got going and went to school - she eventually did that and what a relief that was. The day was very productive and I had a nice surprise when I got home from work. I jumped on my emails and there was an email from a Rehab Centre in Florida asking if I would write an article! At first I laughed and thought it to be a hoax but then I checked out the links and it is an actual Rehab! I was flattered but I thought why me? I can't write to save myself! All I do here is just blurt out whatever is in my head with no real structure. I haven't written and article in my life! I have a degree in Accounting not in Journalism or English! So I said yes I would have a go if it is going to help someone else. I was very honest with the fact that I still struggle on a daily basis to be sober but I have had far more sobriety and a lot less drunken incidents since I have been on social media than before hand.
Thursday - After a nice quiet and peaceful Wednesday night and a half pie decent sleep I was off to work happy. No temper tantrums or dramas just my youngest dragging her feet to get to school because she is not keen on whatever she had first spell. Anyway, it was pouring with rain and I left in a rush and got part way down the motorway and discovered I had left a very necessary part of my work behind. My laptop!!! So, I have to drive to the closest exit and then drive home to get the laptop and turn around and head back to work. I got in late and they were worrying that I might have decided I don't want the job! No such luck I thought - they are not getting rid of me that easy. Another nice day at work but I had to work later to make up the time but that was OK. I decided to stop at the supermarket on the way home to get a couple of necessary things and then checked my phone and had a "odd" message from one of my middle childs' friends mother. She sent me a text asking me to "help her because she was drunk and had spent all of her money and needed to go back for some respite at a care centre" (She is in the process of having a major Bi- Polar incident). She was in a bar and I thought "well this is going to be interesting". I bought myself a drink of lime and soda which I was really pleased about because it would have been so easy to buy and alternative and she was trying to force me to drink with her. (Sounds like something I would do if I wanted an excuse to get drunk but did not want to drink alone). The fact that I was in a bar created panic for my family but I managed to extract myself from the bar and told her I would come back and get her and take her back to the hospital. Talk about difficult - man drunk people can be a pain in the arse!! It was interesting and extremely frustrating being on the other side of the drinking situation. Long story short - we managed to get the hospital to come and pick her up from her house and I finally got back to my family at 8.30pm. I was sober but I was emotionally exhausted.
Friday - Got to work at 9am which was a small miracle because my youngest was excellent and happy and at school on time. It was my last day with the Accountant that was finishing up and there were a lot of distractions with people saying 'goodbye" etc, All in all it was a good day but just as I was about to wish her goodbye and good luck (as you do) the CEO turns up to take her out for farewell drinks. It was time for me to meet and greet him and he was insistent that I stay behind for one drink. He poured me a glass of wine and my brain was having a brawl! One side was saying "go on drink it, you know you want to" and the other side is saying "if you drink that it will all be down hill because you won't be able to stop". I had a couple of sips and then forced myself to make an excuse to leave as I needed to pick up a child (lies, lies but good lies - if there is such a thing). I left but just having a taste for the wine my alcoholic brain was going "stop and get some more it was yummy and you really want more don't you?". It took all my strength to just drive home and I was proud of myself and Iwas honest with my family and thought that they would be pleased with the decision I made but, no they were furious that I even considered taking a few sips. After all, zero is the right number isn't it? They are right because I know my alcoholic brain will trick me into thinking that if I can just have a few sips then I can drink "normally". Hello? When have I ever been able to "drink normally" in the last few years? Food for thought.
Anyway, that was my week and now we start again - I wonder what this week will bring?
Sunday 2 November 2014
Sunday 2 November 2014 - A Brand New Me.
These posts are getting seemingly more spread out but it is not because I am in the throws of drinking as it would have been in the past. It is because I feel like a brand new person.
I had my first week at my new job and I love the fact that I have a purpose. I can get up in the morning and have a shower and get dressed into respectable clothes (rather my normal sloppy ones), put some make up on and head off to a job which I can tell will be very fulfilling.
I have been motivated and organised and present all week and it is a wonderful feeling, The dynamics in my house have changed dramatically. People aren't walking around on "eggshells" not knowing how others are going to react if I have been drinking, how I will react to their reactions etc. A calmness has settled in and even the dogs are quieter and more content.
I have been out shopping today with hubby for a bit of retail therapy because all my lovely work clothes of the past are far too small. I really have let myself go and am now on a mission to get back into some of these clothes by losing 20kgs. That is my goal. But, I am not going to beat myself about it and become depressed because that just creates a cycle that repeats a downhill slide and I am on the way up this time and heading in a much more positive direction.
The only real concerning thing about the new job is the preparation for Christmas activities. Unfortunately, I am part of the management team which is expected to attend functions. The first one is in a couple of weeks and it is a lunch and a wine tasting and a tour of 4 vineyards. I am getting pressure from my family not to attend because of the obvious temptation and on the other hand, I am getting pressure from my new boss to attend to be seen as wanting to be part of the organisation management structure. I do not really want to come straight out and say "I am scared to go as I am an alcoholic in early sobriety". Why? Well, I don't know these people from a "bar of soap" and am not sure what impact that would have on me in the organisation. On the other hand, I don't want to go and get tempted, get plastered and make a fool of myself as that is sure to have a very negative impact on me. What to do, what to do?
I am not going to stress about it at the moment because I have some time to formulate a plan. The easiest thing to do is make an excuse to not go but part of me wants to go to prove to myself that I can do it. The big question is can I do it?
I had my first week at my new job and I love the fact that I have a purpose. I can get up in the morning and have a shower and get dressed into respectable clothes (rather my normal sloppy ones), put some make up on and head off to a job which I can tell will be very fulfilling.
I have been motivated and organised and present all week and it is a wonderful feeling, The dynamics in my house have changed dramatically. People aren't walking around on "eggshells" not knowing how others are going to react if I have been drinking, how I will react to their reactions etc. A calmness has settled in and even the dogs are quieter and more content.
I have been out shopping today with hubby for a bit of retail therapy because all my lovely work clothes of the past are far too small. I really have let myself go and am now on a mission to get back into some of these clothes by losing 20kgs. That is my goal. But, I am not going to beat myself about it and become depressed because that just creates a cycle that repeats a downhill slide and I am on the way up this time and heading in a much more positive direction.
The only real concerning thing about the new job is the preparation for Christmas activities. Unfortunately, I am part of the management team which is expected to attend functions. The first one is in a couple of weeks and it is a lunch and a wine tasting and a tour of 4 vineyards. I am getting pressure from my family not to attend because of the obvious temptation and on the other hand, I am getting pressure from my new boss to attend to be seen as wanting to be part of the organisation management structure. I do not really want to come straight out and say "I am scared to go as I am an alcoholic in early sobriety". Why? Well, I don't know these people from a "bar of soap" and am not sure what impact that would have on me in the organisation. On the other hand, I don't want to go and get tempted, get plastered and make a fool of myself as that is sure to have a very negative impact on me. What to do, what to do?
I am not going to stress about it at the moment because I have some time to formulate a plan. The easiest thing to do is make an excuse to not go but part of me wants to go to prove to myself that I can do it. The big question is can I do it?
Sunday 26 October 2014
Sunday, 26th October 2014 - I feel like a new person.
The events of the last couple of weeks have taken a positive toll on me and I have finally been offered and accepted a job. Now that I know how hard it was to get a job I am certainly not going to jeopardise it by drinking and screwing it up. Thankfully, the job is away from any temptation not close to any bars or supermarkets and straight off the motorway in the suburbs. I know that I will be successful this time. I just know it.
I have also spent the last two weeks doing a volunteer work at the local Hospice Shop for one morning a week. I am thrilled that my new job will not take me away from the volunteer work as I will be working 4 days for paid work and one morning volunteering giving me an afternoon to catch up on chores before the weekend. I will be busy, but I need to be because the "not been busy" or not feeling like I had a purpose has fuelled the drinking over the years and the longer I have been out of work the lower my self-esteem went, the less motivated I was and therefore the more I drank.
I am back to day 3 again today but that is Ok. I am confident that I can avoid the dreaded alcohol from now on as it is my only chance to get my career back on track.
Today has been a very productive day with hubby and I and our youngest outside in the garden cleaning up. I was really pleased with my youngest child as she normally slops around the house on the weekend in pjs, watching tv and eating but today she motivated herself and was up and dressed by 10am! Yesterday she decided that should would help me and did some vacuuming and washed the floors and then got inspired and mowed the lawns. She did a great job of everything and I told her how much we appreciated her efforts and how much we enjoyed pottering around with her.
My son also lifted his butt yesterday and helped hubby lay concrete. My middle child has spent most of the weekend away but she is coming home early tomorrow (midday) because it is a public holiday and she has been told she needs to come and chip in as well.
I am actually really surprised because we have not had the normal grumbling and I think that everyone is feeling the positive energy of me finally securing a job. I think it has lifted everyones spirits.
But, and there is a big but, I need to keep focused, not get stressed, live in the moment, not buy into other peoples bullshit and visit my sober cyber community and blog as often as I can and support as many people as I can. I know what I am like that if I get stressed or complacent because that is when I put myself in danger and then get the "Fuck its" and the rest is a disaster.
This is definately a new beginning for me and my family and I feel really positive about it.
xx
I have also spent the last two weeks doing a volunteer work at the local Hospice Shop for one morning a week. I am thrilled that my new job will not take me away from the volunteer work as I will be working 4 days for paid work and one morning volunteering giving me an afternoon to catch up on chores before the weekend. I will be busy, but I need to be because the "not been busy" or not feeling like I had a purpose has fuelled the drinking over the years and the longer I have been out of work the lower my self-esteem went, the less motivated I was and therefore the more I drank.
I am back to day 3 again today but that is Ok. I am confident that I can avoid the dreaded alcohol from now on as it is my only chance to get my career back on track.
Today has been a very productive day with hubby and I and our youngest outside in the garden cleaning up. I was really pleased with my youngest child as she normally slops around the house on the weekend in pjs, watching tv and eating but today she motivated herself and was up and dressed by 10am! Yesterday she decided that should would help me and did some vacuuming and washed the floors and then got inspired and mowed the lawns. She did a great job of everything and I told her how much we appreciated her efforts and how much we enjoyed pottering around with her.
My son also lifted his butt yesterday and helped hubby lay concrete. My middle child has spent most of the weekend away but she is coming home early tomorrow (midday) because it is a public holiday and she has been told she needs to come and chip in as well.
I am actually really surprised because we have not had the normal grumbling and I think that everyone is feeling the positive energy of me finally securing a job. I think it has lifted everyones spirits.
But, and there is a big but, I need to keep focused, not get stressed, live in the moment, not buy into other peoples bullshit and visit my sober cyber community and blog as often as I can and support as many people as I can. I know what I am like that if I get stressed or complacent because that is when I put myself in danger and then get the "Fuck its" and the rest is a disaster.
This is definately a new beginning for me and my family and I feel really positive about it.
xx
Wednesday 15 October 2014
Wednesday, 15th October 2014 - My First Day as a Volunteer :)
It has been a while since I posted and I really need to discipline myself to post more regularly because it is really helpful for me to get everything out of my head.
I was just reading a post by Granny Gets Sober and I had to laugh because she mentioned how her brain has "Mexican Stand off's" at regular intervals. I can so relate to that where one part of my brain is saying "drink" and the other part is saying "don't". Unfortunately the side that says "drink" tends to win more often than not but not today.
I decided a few weeks back that my brain is rotting. Not just because of alcohol but also because of lack of stimulation and adult company so I decided to phone up the local hospice and see if I could help in any way. They were delighted but I was very open and honest with them about my drinking issue. I specifically said that I did not want to be around or know about any alcohol because it would be too tempting. They have alcohol on site because if the patients want "a whiskey with breakfast" they get to have it no questions asked.
They decided that I would be a good person to work at the Hospice Shop which sells good quality (and I mean good quality) second hand goods. Mostly clothes but very well cared for ones. I have just spent my first morning there today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The work was menial - pricing and folding clothes and linen - but the ladies (mostly all volunteers) are lovely and I felt very welcome and for once I felt young again. I was the baby and I am pushing 49! Today gave me some much needed enrichment into my life and a purpose. I even went out yesterday afternoon a bought a couple of tops and a pair of shoes. I wore one of the tops, the shoes and some make-up and I felt like a brand new women. No alcohol for me today - I haven't even thought of it and I have been to the supermarket. I feel I am in a different "head-space" today.
I managed to be present for my 15 year old daughter today who rang me in tears to say that one of her friend hung himself on Monday night! This was a big shock to her as he had only just turned 15 himself. She rang me when I was volunteering to ask if she could join in with another 3 kids and go and see he body and say goodbye. At first I was reluctant because everyone I know finds it very upsetting to see a dead body and especially one that had his whole life in front of him. The school gave them some time off and has offered counselling if needbe. They caught the bus over to his house (he is at home and not in a funeral parlour) and I texted to say that I would come and pick therm up. I am really pleased I did because they appeared to really appreciate it and it gave them some time to compose themselves before heading back to school. If I was drinking today there would be no way that I would of offered to go and pick them up as I would have been too self - centred and wouldn't care less. I am planning just to be there for my daughter tonight to listen to her if she wants to tell me about her feelings and how she coped with seeing a friend so young dead. I am hoping that she wont go and cut herself as that appears to be the way she copes. Unfortunately, that leaves physical obvious scares which she will have for life.
All I know is that today I am grateful to be alive and thankful that I am not a parent of the boy who hung himself. That would be absolutely devastating to lose a child and especially to suicide.
Today is a good day to be alive.
I was just reading a post by Granny Gets Sober and I had to laugh because she mentioned how her brain has "Mexican Stand off's" at regular intervals. I can so relate to that where one part of my brain is saying "drink" and the other part is saying "don't". Unfortunately the side that says "drink" tends to win more often than not but not today.
I decided a few weeks back that my brain is rotting. Not just because of alcohol but also because of lack of stimulation and adult company so I decided to phone up the local hospice and see if I could help in any way. They were delighted but I was very open and honest with them about my drinking issue. I specifically said that I did not want to be around or know about any alcohol because it would be too tempting. They have alcohol on site because if the patients want "a whiskey with breakfast" they get to have it no questions asked.
They decided that I would be a good person to work at the Hospice Shop which sells good quality (and I mean good quality) second hand goods. Mostly clothes but very well cared for ones. I have just spent my first morning there today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The work was menial - pricing and folding clothes and linen - but the ladies (mostly all volunteers) are lovely and I felt very welcome and for once I felt young again. I was the baby and I am pushing 49! Today gave me some much needed enrichment into my life and a purpose. I even went out yesterday afternoon a bought a couple of tops and a pair of shoes. I wore one of the tops, the shoes and some make-up and I felt like a brand new women. No alcohol for me today - I haven't even thought of it and I have been to the supermarket. I feel I am in a different "head-space" today.
I managed to be present for my 15 year old daughter today who rang me in tears to say that one of her friend hung himself on Monday night! This was a big shock to her as he had only just turned 15 himself. She rang me when I was volunteering to ask if she could join in with another 3 kids and go and see he body and say goodbye. At first I was reluctant because everyone I know finds it very upsetting to see a dead body and especially one that had his whole life in front of him. The school gave them some time off and has offered counselling if needbe. They caught the bus over to his house (he is at home and not in a funeral parlour) and I texted to say that I would come and pick therm up. I am really pleased I did because they appeared to really appreciate it and it gave them some time to compose themselves before heading back to school. If I was drinking today there would be no way that I would of offered to go and pick them up as I would have been too self - centred and wouldn't care less. I am planning just to be there for my daughter tonight to listen to her if she wants to tell me about her feelings and how she coped with seeing a friend so young dead. I am hoping that she wont go and cut herself as that appears to be the way she copes. Unfortunately, that leaves physical obvious scares which she will have for life.
All I know is that today I am grateful to be alive and thankful that I am not a parent of the boy who hung himself. That would be absolutely devastating to lose a child and especially to suicide.
Today is a good day to be alive.
Monday 6 October 2014
I am alive - just and I mean just.
Today is Monday 6th October 2014 and I am grateful to be here.
Alcohol almost took my life combined with sleeping pills. I am only alive because I rang the ambulance to say that I overdosed. I must not have really wanted to die. A very close call.
Those of you who get upset about my posts don't read on and please don't comment. I am warning you now the rest of my post will be upsetting as it is to me. I am only posting because I need to offload and refocus.
On Friday 26th September 2014 I went to the GP for a normal checkup and to get my normal meds. We had a discussion about how much progress I have made in the last couple of years with my attitude toward drinking and it was all positive. We decided that I should come off one of my normal meds (for anxiety) and doctor said "you will not sleep for a couple of days so I will give you some sleeping tablets but YOU MUST NOT DRINK WITH THEM". That was great, I was in a positive frame of mind and went to the chemist and got the script filled. The day turned to custard - middle child sleeping around and having unprotected sex with a possibility of having a STD. I used any excuse but the gist of it is that I decided to drink and take the meds and ended up in ICU.
I called the ambulance because I realised that I had taken pills with alcohol. Woke up in ICU but my poor family were traumatized. Things not been the same since.
Anyway, aside from all the drama I am pleased to be alive and take life on lifes terms.
Alcohol almost took my life combined with sleeping pills. I am only alive because I rang the ambulance to say that I overdosed. I must not have really wanted to die. A very close call.
Those of you who get upset about my posts don't read on and please don't comment. I am warning you now the rest of my post will be upsetting as it is to me. I am only posting because I need to offload and refocus.
On Friday 26th September 2014 I went to the GP for a normal checkup and to get my normal meds. We had a discussion about how much progress I have made in the last couple of years with my attitude toward drinking and it was all positive. We decided that I should come off one of my normal meds (for anxiety) and doctor said "you will not sleep for a couple of days so I will give you some sleeping tablets but YOU MUST NOT DRINK WITH THEM". That was great, I was in a positive frame of mind and went to the chemist and got the script filled. The day turned to custard - middle child sleeping around and having unprotected sex with a possibility of having a STD. I used any excuse but the gist of it is that I decided to drink and take the meds and ended up in ICU.
I called the ambulance because I realised that I had taken pills with alcohol. Woke up in ICU but my poor family were traumatized. Things not been the same since.
Anyway, aside from all the drama I am pleased to be alive and take life on lifes terms.
Thursday 18 September 2014
Poor Me, Poor Me - Don't you Pour Me a Drink Because I don't Bloody Want it
How to start this post.
Grrrrr fucken Grrrrrr F F F F - Get the idea that I am little peeved?
Ok, I have had my bubble burst. I was so keen to get myself "up and running" again I proposed an Ad in the local rag. I was proud of the Ad, I got mum to have an honest opinion and had her comments on board. I submitted the Ad and it was great but just pay $150+. I can't afford that and now I feel stupid because me being an Accountant in my previous life knows that - Advertising is the key". We don't have the cash, the credit or anything and I am once again feeling like I have let everyone down. I even got a rejection today from a "bookkeeping" firm to say "They could not take on qualified accountants and would not (WOULD NOT) take anyone on who would make them embarrassed. Fair enough I say. But how do I reinvent myself without making a "dick" (or more of a dick) of myself. Do I need to relocate?
Grrrrr fucken Grrrrrr F F F F - Get the idea that I am little peeved?
Ok, I have had my bubble burst. I was so keen to get myself "up and running" again I proposed an Ad in the local rag. I was proud of the Ad, I got mum to have an honest opinion and had her comments on board. I submitted the Ad and it was great but just pay $150+. I can't afford that and now I feel stupid because me being an Accountant in my previous life knows that - Advertising is the key". We don't have the cash, the credit or anything and I am once again feeling like I have let everyone down. I even got a rejection today from a "bookkeeping" firm to say "They could not take on qualified accountants and would not (WOULD NOT) take anyone on who would make them embarrassed. Fair enough I say. But how do I reinvent myself without making a "dick" (or more of a dick) of myself. Do I need to relocate?
Wednesday 17 September 2014
Wednesday, 17th September 2014. Spring has definitely sprung!
I love spring. I love the light mornings and the warmer days but still the crisp evenings so that you can sleep well, I love the spring flowers, the birds singing and the smell of freshly cut grass. I am loving it even more because I a not drinking my way through spring. I am enjoying each day as it comes. Some are good days and some are not so good but, that is life, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint and I have had the odd drink in the last couple of weeks but nothing to the extent I was drinking. I really don't want to drink at all so I need to be vigilant to put things in front of that bloody bottle.
I have been a bit low about the work situation (or lack of) because I hate having to watch our pennies. Not that we were extravagant necessarily but we could normally afford to take the kids somewhere out of the country for a couple weeks a year. They are very fortunate as they have been to OZ quite a lot, England, France and USA. They don't actually realise how lucky they have been as I never got on an aeroplane until I was 19 and that was a 1 hour domestic flight. Their cousins have not been on a plane at all and the furthest they have travelled is to Auckland. With my lack of income and costs involved in drinking - lawyers, fines, inability to get employment, accidents etc it has really stretched us financially to the point we actually almost rang completely out of cash last month!
I have applied for a number of jobs and have been fortunate to get to the "interview stage" and have quite often been second choice. Second choice is great but does not get you the job. Some people have suggested perhaps I set up a mobile accounting service and I might investigate doing that but I am a bit embarrassed because of my drinking and I really don't know how much it will affect me getting work but I suppose if I don't try it and I wont have any chance of proving myself. So I have decided to "strike while the iron is hot" and go and put an add in the local rag and see what happens.
I am already feeling more positive and will get out into the garden and perhaps go for a walk.
I have been a bit low about the work situation (or lack of) because I hate having to watch our pennies. Not that we were extravagant necessarily but we could normally afford to take the kids somewhere out of the country for a couple weeks a year. They are very fortunate as they have been to OZ quite a lot, England, France and USA. They don't actually realise how lucky they have been as I never got on an aeroplane until I was 19 and that was a 1 hour domestic flight. Their cousins have not been on a plane at all and the furthest they have travelled is to Auckland. With my lack of income and costs involved in drinking - lawyers, fines, inability to get employment, accidents etc it has really stretched us financially to the point we actually almost rang completely out of cash last month!
I have applied for a number of jobs and have been fortunate to get to the "interview stage" and have quite often been second choice. Second choice is great but does not get you the job. Some people have suggested perhaps I set up a mobile accounting service and I might investigate doing that but I am a bit embarrassed because of my drinking and I really don't know how much it will affect me getting work but I suppose if I don't try it and I wont have any chance of proving myself. So I have decided to "strike while the iron is hot" and go and put an add in the local rag and see what happens.
I am already feeling more positive and will get out into the garden and perhaps go for a walk.
Friday 12 September 2014
Sept 12th 2014 - An anniversary I would rather forget.
Here I am after promising myself that I would blog daily this week only just sitting down at the computer to do so. Friday at 12.25pm What does that indicate about me? I can't follow through?, I get distracted and need to focus on what I need to do.
At 10.30am on Sept 12th 2007 we (mum, brother and hubby and I ) made a hard decision to turn off the life-support for dad as he was "brain-dead" after suffering from a massive heart attack two days earlier. It was a horrible thing to do but it was even worse sitting in ICU in a surreal situation waiting for someone to be pronounced clinically dead. My brother said to me "it sucks just waiting for someone to die".
I was the "soldier, the "rock"". The person who made the decisions seem logical to mum and brother. I found out what mum wanted and dealt with the funeral home, I went through the bank accounts and got mum a EFTPOS card and helped her write a cheque out - she could not cope at the time.. I was so bloody strong my boss at the time asked me "are you human, I have never been to a funeral where the daughter did not cry?". I physically could not cry and I felt as if I let my dad down. Dad hated it when I cried he would say "cheriesee, don't cry the world has too much water it needs sunshine and smiles".
My Nana died (I so adored her) at the age of 95 in a nursing home. She was dads mum. The funeral was sad but, lets face it, she was 95 and had a great life. Mum, dad and I were sitting around the dinning room table after the funeral and dad said "next funeral I go to, I will be in the box". He was, 6 weeks after Nana died dad followed!
A month after dad died my drinking hit the wall. Oh, calm collected sensible me could not cope with the fact that my dad "checked out" at 62. I was angry, so so angry and I used wine to try and swash it down. It worked for a while until I got done for DIC and then lost a job. Two DIC later and four jobs the rest is history.
I have this overwhelming desire to drink and go to the beach and yell and scream.. Will any of that make me feel better? I doubt it - if I drink I will feel remorseful and sick, it I go to the beach and yell and scream I will feel like an idiot. So I am going to make brownies.
The sun is shining and I will make dad proud by not drinking.
At 10.30am on Sept 12th 2007 we (mum, brother and hubby and I ) made a hard decision to turn off the life-support for dad as he was "brain-dead" after suffering from a massive heart attack two days earlier. It was a horrible thing to do but it was even worse sitting in ICU in a surreal situation waiting for someone to be pronounced clinically dead. My brother said to me "it sucks just waiting for someone to die".
I was the "soldier, the "rock"". The person who made the decisions seem logical to mum and brother. I found out what mum wanted and dealt with the funeral home, I went through the bank accounts and got mum a EFTPOS card and helped her write a cheque out - she could not cope at the time.. I was so bloody strong my boss at the time asked me "are you human, I have never been to a funeral where the daughter did not cry?". I physically could not cry and I felt as if I let my dad down. Dad hated it when I cried he would say "cheriesee, don't cry the world has too much water it needs sunshine and smiles".
My Nana died (I so adored her) at the age of 95 in a nursing home. She was dads mum. The funeral was sad but, lets face it, she was 95 and had a great life. Mum, dad and I were sitting around the dinning room table after the funeral and dad said "next funeral I go to, I will be in the box". He was, 6 weeks after Nana died dad followed!
A month after dad died my drinking hit the wall. Oh, calm collected sensible me could not cope with the fact that my dad "checked out" at 62. I was angry, so so angry and I used wine to try and swash it down. It worked for a while until I got done for DIC and then lost a job. Two DIC later and four jobs the rest is history.
I have this overwhelming desire to drink and go to the beach and yell and scream.. Will any of that make me feel better? I doubt it - if I drink I will feel remorseful and sick, it I go to the beach and yell and scream I will feel like an idiot. So I am going to make brownies.
The sun is shining and I will make dad proud by not drinking.
Sunday 7 September 2014
Sunday, 7th September 2014 - Yes I am still aound.
Well it has been quite a busy week for me and a very emotional one as well. I noticed some people asking if I was doing OK. To answer the questions "yes" I am doing OK this week. I have been busy and have taken some time to think about my blogging and how it appears to be affecting some people with my honesty and I have been wondering what to do about that.
When I first set this blog up it was after I watched Mrs D on Sunday and her inspirational story of how she managed to get and stay sober by herself with the help of an online community. I thought that was a great idea for me to document how I was travelling and it is primarily for my purpose. I could always make my blog "private" but I would rather not because my family is following my journey as well as some of my other friends as well as a lot of other people who have given me some encouraging comments and support. There are those who have provoked some deep thought from me out of pure concern which is a good thing. It is always interesting getting comments because you never really know how someone will interpret the things you write. So I have decided that I am going to continue blogging as part of my journey as well as posting on Living Sober as well. I guess that if my blog upsets or concerns people then they chose whether they wish to continue following me or not. I don't deliberately set out to concern people but I need to be really honest with myself if I have any hope of betting this hideous addiction. I will beat it.
When I said the last week was busy I meant that I have deliberately making sure that I am keeping myself busy because September is an emotional month for me. Last week on 4th September would have been my dad's birthday if he was alive. It was the first time that I have got through that particular day without drinking since he passed away 7 years ago. I was extremely proud of myself for managing this year not to be selfish and think that my dad would not want me drunk on his birthday. The last birthday he had was at my place 7 years ago (it co-incided with fathers day). On 10 September (just 6 days after he turned 62) he suffered a massive heart attack and effectively died but was kept alive on life support until 12 September when it was switched off. That is the beginning of my downward drinking career. So, for the first time in 7 years I got through his birthday without drinking and I am going to get through the two days this week without drinking as well.
I have been doing a lot of walking and this helping with keeping my moods stable and I have made a commitment to myself that I will blog every day this coming week to monitor how I am going.
When I first set this blog up it was after I watched Mrs D on Sunday and her inspirational story of how she managed to get and stay sober by herself with the help of an online community. I thought that was a great idea for me to document how I was travelling and it is primarily for my purpose. I could always make my blog "private" but I would rather not because my family is following my journey as well as some of my other friends as well as a lot of other people who have given me some encouraging comments and support. There are those who have provoked some deep thought from me out of pure concern which is a good thing. It is always interesting getting comments because you never really know how someone will interpret the things you write. So I have decided that I am going to continue blogging as part of my journey as well as posting on Living Sober as well. I guess that if my blog upsets or concerns people then they chose whether they wish to continue following me or not. I don't deliberately set out to concern people but I need to be really honest with myself if I have any hope of betting this hideous addiction. I will beat it.
When I said the last week was busy I meant that I have deliberately making sure that I am keeping myself busy because September is an emotional month for me. Last week on 4th September would have been my dad's birthday if he was alive. It was the first time that I have got through that particular day without drinking since he passed away 7 years ago. I was extremely proud of myself for managing this year not to be selfish and think that my dad would not want me drunk on his birthday. The last birthday he had was at my place 7 years ago (it co-incided with fathers day). On 10 September (just 6 days after he turned 62) he suffered a massive heart attack and effectively died but was kept alive on life support until 12 September when it was switched off. That is the beginning of my downward drinking career. So, for the first time in 7 years I got through his birthday without drinking and I am going to get through the two days this week without drinking as well.
I have been doing a lot of walking and this helping with keeping my moods stable and I have made a commitment to myself that I will blog every day this coming week to monitor how I am going.
Saturday 30 August 2014
Saturday, 30 August 2014. A Firm Resolve.
It is 9.05pm on Saturday evening and I have been thinking a lot about the events of this week as well as the comments I have had on this blog as well as Living Sober.
One question that I was prompted to ask myself was "do I want to die? If I do, then find a reason to live"! No I don't want to die I have so much to live for. I have three beautiful (albeit trying) kids, a loving and supportive husband and a cyber family that cares about me. So what am I missing? Well, I am missing myself really. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the person looking back at me and think "you are OK!". Now I look in the mirror and think "where have you gone?" I haven't gone anywhere, I have simply let myself be taken over by a poison that I no longer wish to put into my system. Someone commented that think of wine as drinking a bottle of bleach. I can definitely do that and I need to that as much as I can. The other thing I have not been doing is walking. I was walking at least 5 kms a day until about 3 weeks ago.
So back on track I am and I have also had a big difficult conversation with my family about triggers. My son is a big trigger for me as he has basically been on holiday for the last two years and is now about two years behind his peers in both education and life skills. He is almost 18 and has no motivation to do anything other than sit on his backside and use up broadband watching videos online. He is a bright boy and he is more than capable and he uses me as an excuse and I use him as an excuse. I need to accept the fact that we have done everything we possibly can to encourage him to better himself but we have also enabled him to do what he wants by letting him live at home. He blames my drinking but outwardly admits he is having a great time. So, I need to find a way to deal with this frustration without drinking and I have said that I will remove myself from the house - walk, coffee, shops or anything so that I don't get constantly angry and frustrated that he won't even leave the house to see what his opportunities are.
If I get myself sorted I am hoping he will follow suit. So back to the drawing board and basics. Look after me by eating well, sleeping and exercising. I was also reminded to post every day as well.
Thanks to all you lovely people I know I will make it. I have the resolve and I do not want alcohol to beat me. I will just stop fighting against it and start winning the battle. :)
One question that I was prompted to ask myself was "do I want to die? If I do, then find a reason to live"! No I don't want to die I have so much to live for. I have three beautiful (albeit trying) kids, a loving and supportive husband and a cyber family that cares about me. So what am I missing? Well, I am missing myself really. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the person looking back at me and think "you are OK!". Now I look in the mirror and think "where have you gone?" I haven't gone anywhere, I have simply let myself be taken over by a poison that I no longer wish to put into my system. Someone commented that think of wine as drinking a bottle of bleach. I can definitely do that and I need to that as much as I can. The other thing I have not been doing is walking. I was walking at least 5 kms a day until about 3 weeks ago.
So back on track I am and I have also had a big difficult conversation with my family about triggers. My son is a big trigger for me as he has basically been on holiday for the last two years and is now about two years behind his peers in both education and life skills. He is almost 18 and has no motivation to do anything other than sit on his backside and use up broadband watching videos online. He is a bright boy and he is more than capable and he uses me as an excuse and I use him as an excuse. I need to accept the fact that we have done everything we possibly can to encourage him to better himself but we have also enabled him to do what he wants by letting him live at home. He blames my drinking but outwardly admits he is having a great time. So, I need to find a way to deal with this frustration without drinking and I have said that I will remove myself from the house - walk, coffee, shops or anything so that I don't get constantly angry and frustrated that he won't even leave the house to see what his opportunities are.
If I get myself sorted I am hoping he will follow suit. So back to the drawing board and basics. Look after me by eating well, sleeping and exercising. I was also reminded to post every day as well.
Thanks to all you lovely people I know I will make it. I have the resolve and I do not want alcohol to beat me. I will just stop fighting against it and start winning the battle. :)
Friday 29 August 2014
Friday, 29th August 2014 -Shame Same and more Shame
Well, I have been a bit up and down really. I had some good sober time (for me - 10 days) and then just crashed down in a heap. Who can I blame? Just me - always just me. No one else buys the shit, bring it home and pushes it down my throat - oh I do that all by myself..
Monday this week started out OK. But I drank in the end. Police arrived because son and I had a fight ( this is funny - he egged me but what wasn't funny was the physical threatening so police turned up and took son away for a couple hours ) poor me - yes I pured me a drink or 7 and son was not well as has shingles. I can use any excuse and I do. Maybe I am just not cut out for this sober business, maybe I am doomed to a life of misery and have sentenced my family to the same ? maybe I just want it to do it by itself without any work from me - I don't know.
Yesterday, Thursday I started out Ok but by 1pm I had had a drink and I had passed out somewhere on the road - woke up in hospital - intern said - madam, do you think you have a drinking problem?" I said "fuck yes I hate the shit". Why don't you try and moderate? By this time - I am still a bit pissed - I say "can you moderate? Oh yes - I only drink once a year and then I can only have half a glass of wine and feel woosy" How can people do that?
I hat alcohol and wish it was never ever invented and never sold at supermarkets - grrrr fucken grrrrr
Monday this week started out OK. But I drank in the end. Police arrived because son and I had a fight ( this is funny - he egged me but what wasn't funny was the physical threatening so police turned up and took son away for a couple hours ) poor me - yes I pured me a drink or 7 and son was not well as has shingles. I can use any excuse and I do. Maybe I am just not cut out for this sober business, maybe I am doomed to a life of misery and have sentenced my family to the same ? maybe I just want it to do it by itself without any work from me - I don't know.
Yesterday, Thursday I started out Ok but by 1pm I had had a drink and I had passed out somewhere on the road - woke up in hospital - intern said - madam, do you think you have a drinking problem?" I said "fuck yes I hate the shit". Why don't you try and moderate? By this time - I am still a bit pissed - I say "can you moderate? Oh yes - I only drink once a year and then I can only have half a glass of wine and feel woosy" How can people do that?
I hat alcohol and wish it was never ever invented and never sold at supermarkets - grrrr fucken grrrrr
Friday 22 August 2014
Friday, 22 August 2014 - back to day one AGAIN
Yes yes, back to day 1 yet again. Why oh why do I keep doing "research"? Haven't I researched enough over the years to know that drinking and I don't get along? Apparently not - grrrrr.
On the positive side, and there is always a positive side (even if is minute) I had 10 days sober and I had not had 10 days sober since Easter this year gone. Am I pissed off at myself? You bet you I am so fucken angry with myself and if I could have a voodoo doll I will put a red hot poker up her butt. But I don't, but I have (my family aside) something far more precious and that is nothing but support to prop me up yet again - no angry faces, no arguments just pick yourself up and try again. It is amazing the amount of time people in recovery invest and care about each other. It is an unconditional caring.
I am actually really grumpy and I am trying to ignore this but my son who is almost 18 is still lying in bed and I know he is awakw. He is waiting for me to bite so he can throw yesterday back in my face. I am struggling to contain myself from having a go at him. Mum said ignore, ignore, ignore - I might have to go to the library for that because I am damed if I am going o use him as an excuse to drink today.
On the positive side, and there is always a positive side (even if is minute) I had 10 days sober and I had not had 10 days sober since Easter this year gone. Am I pissed off at myself? You bet you I am so fucken angry with myself and if I could have a voodoo doll I will put a red hot poker up her butt. But I don't, but I have (my family aside) something far more precious and that is nothing but support to prop me up yet again - no angry faces, no arguments just pick yourself up and try again. It is amazing the amount of time people in recovery invest and care about each other. It is an unconditional caring.
I am actually really grumpy and I am trying to ignore this but my son who is almost 18 is still lying in bed and I know he is awakw. He is waiting for me to bite so he can throw yesterday back in my face. I am struggling to contain myself from having a go at him. Mum said ignore, ignore, ignore - I might have to go to the library for that because I am damed if I am going o use him as an excuse to drink today.
Wednesday 20 August 2014
Wednesday, 20th August 2014 - Day 9 but feeling very deflated.
I so need to do this now because I feel as I will lose the plot and therefore lose all of my hard work and let all the lovely people down who have been supporting me in the last 9 days.
It has been a journey, but then life is a journey whether you are drinking or not. For me, it is about trying to deal with situations as they come up in a rational manner.I used be to be great at that. I would be a mediator in high profile business meetings. I got to growl at the CEO's and put them back on "straight and narrow" and they took some things on board I never took crap and apparently I was "a force not to piss off" (don't know if that is good either). If I saw one of them todaywe would both hide away and pretend that I did not exist.
Today was the first day of my middle child "practice exams" for NCEA level 1. I think I stressed her out more than she was already. It is like I can't help myself - I need to feel useful but then at what point do you become a liability (ok accountnat term but I know what it means)
It is only 1.45pm so "calm the farm : Cherie
It has been a journey, but then life is a journey whether you are drinking or not. For me, it is about trying to deal with situations as they come up in a rational manner.I used be to be great at that. I would be a mediator in high profile business meetings. I got to growl at the CEO's and put them back on "straight and narrow" and they took some things on board I never took crap and apparently I was "a force not to piss off" (don't know if that is good either). If I saw one of them todaywe would both hide away and pretend that I did not exist.
Today was the first day of my middle child "practice exams" for NCEA level 1. I think I stressed her out more than she was already. It is like I can't help myself - I need to feel useful but then at what point do you become a liability (ok accountnat term but I know what it means)
It is only 1.45pm so "calm the farm : Cherie
Sunday 17 August 2014
Sunday 17th August 2014 - End of Another Weekend.
Here I am on Sunday evening at 9.05pm reflecting on my last 6 days of sobriety. I made it to 7 days last week and then got trashed and through it all out of the window,
It has been a pretty typical Sunday with an added bonus of making my mum a birthday lunch that she could share with our family. It was a lovely day and the kids were fantastic and actually stayed downstairs and interacted with everyone and had a laugh,.The normally bugger off to their rooms or on the various computers we have around the place. I even watched Lion King 2 (yes the cartoon kids version) with my 15 year old. Go figure.
The only negative thing that really happened today is that my AA sponsor decided that she could no longer sponsor me because I am not attending heaps of AA meetings. I have chosen to spend my time blogging and interacting on The Living Sober site as I find that it is almost like a constant AA meeting with no restrictions of how much you can share or how long you can spend on the sites. I have found that I am getting a lot of support and encouragement on both sites. Don't get me wrong, I got lots of support from AA as well but I am a bit of "an AA failure". I say that in respect that I am still slipping in my recovery. I get a few days up and them pick up a drink and have to start all over again. I don't want to continue doing that but it appears to just happen as part of my journey. I have had more sober days in the last 6 weeks since I have been blogging and since The Living Sober site has been up than I have had for a very long time. The longest I have been sober this year is 10 days and tomorrow I am back to day 7 so am adamant to continue.
Monday's seem to be a difficult day for me and I am not sure if it is boredom or habit that creates the cycle of drinking. Not that I drank last Monday but I did on Tuesday, I need to bring it back to the "now" during the week and I need to make sure that I plan my days properly so that I don't drift off along the drinking path as that is not a path I want to continue down.
I was reading Granny Gets Sober blog and she was talking about having an addictive personality. I certainly have an addictive personality and I never do things by half - either good or bad. I boarder on obssessive at times and my father in law once offended me by calling me a "control freak". I still have a resentment against him for that!
So my plans for tomorrow are to go for a walk, do some cleaning and some baking a spend time on my bum reading blogs, interacting on Living Sober website and just trying not to listen to the chatter in my head.
This week is going to be a bit of a challenge because my middle child has her "practice exams" for NCEA level 1 for the next two week. I need to not nag her and to accept the fact that she probably won't do that well in them, I am not being mean it is just a fact that she has far too much time wagging this year that she will have gaps in her learning that will make it difficult for her to pass. We have had a letter from the school basically saying that they don't think she is likely to achieve unless we get her extra tutoring because of the absences. She has some credits towards level 1 but only 34 and the school indicated that in order to pass, their research shows that kids should have at least 50 credits by this stage, I don't want to be negative and I have told her that she needs to sit the practice exams to see what the gaps are for her final exams in November. Unfortunatel, she is much like me and I can sense that she has actually given up and is unlikely to even front up for the exams. Not that I did that but for me, if things get too hard I pick up a drink.
I need to focus on me this week because if I can remain sober things will run smoothly.
It has been a pretty typical Sunday with an added bonus of making my mum a birthday lunch that she could share with our family. It was a lovely day and the kids were fantastic and actually stayed downstairs and interacted with everyone and had a laugh,.The normally bugger off to their rooms or on the various computers we have around the place. I even watched Lion King 2 (yes the cartoon kids version) with my 15 year old. Go figure.
The only negative thing that really happened today is that my AA sponsor decided that she could no longer sponsor me because I am not attending heaps of AA meetings. I have chosen to spend my time blogging and interacting on The Living Sober site as I find that it is almost like a constant AA meeting with no restrictions of how much you can share or how long you can spend on the sites. I have found that I am getting a lot of support and encouragement on both sites. Don't get me wrong, I got lots of support from AA as well but I am a bit of "an AA failure". I say that in respect that I am still slipping in my recovery. I get a few days up and them pick up a drink and have to start all over again. I don't want to continue doing that but it appears to just happen as part of my journey. I have had more sober days in the last 6 weeks since I have been blogging and since The Living Sober site has been up than I have had for a very long time. The longest I have been sober this year is 10 days and tomorrow I am back to day 7 so am adamant to continue.
Monday's seem to be a difficult day for me and I am not sure if it is boredom or habit that creates the cycle of drinking. Not that I drank last Monday but I did on Tuesday, I need to bring it back to the "now" during the week and I need to make sure that I plan my days properly so that I don't drift off along the drinking path as that is not a path I want to continue down.
I was reading Granny Gets Sober blog and she was talking about having an addictive personality. I certainly have an addictive personality and I never do things by half - either good or bad. I boarder on obssessive at times and my father in law once offended me by calling me a "control freak". I still have a resentment against him for that!
So my plans for tomorrow are to go for a walk, do some cleaning and some baking a spend time on my bum reading blogs, interacting on Living Sober website and just trying not to listen to the chatter in my head.
This week is going to be a bit of a challenge because my middle child has her "practice exams" for NCEA level 1 for the next two week. I need to not nag her and to accept the fact that she probably won't do that well in them, I am not being mean it is just a fact that she has far too much time wagging this year that she will have gaps in her learning that will make it difficult for her to pass. We have had a letter from the school basically saying that they don't think she is likely to achieve unless we get her extra tutoring because of the absences. She has some credits towards level 1 but only 34 and the school indicated that in order to pass, their research shows that kids should have at least 50 credits by this stage, I don't want to be negative and I have told her that she needs to sit the practice exams to see what the gaps are for her final exams in November. Unfortunatel, she is much like me and I can sense that she has actually given up and is unlikely to even front up for the exams. Not that I did that but for me, if things get too hard I pick up a drink.
I need to focus on me this week because if I can remain sober things will run smoothly.
Friday 15 August 2014
Friday, 15th August 2014 - Tests, tests and more tests.
I have been happily interacting with members on Living Sober site but I feel I need to offload big time.
I have been tested to the core for the last 2 days. Firstly, yesterday was Thursday and I had completed a "test drive" for a car brand and they had offered me a cookbook. So, I did the test drive and yesterday instead of a cookbook - three bottles of wine were delivered. I don't know about others but my "alkie brain said yes, yes" ) bring it om! My thoughts were going haywire. What are "my options" I thought.. Option 1 was to tip it out, Option 2 was to give it away and Option 3 - drink it. I am an impulsive person and I believe that is a product of drinking. My impulses don't normally work out well. This time it did. I asked my son if he would tip them out. He was gagging to tip them out from the time they arrived. Apparently, they were very expensive bottles of wine. I didn't want them and I phoned and complained - hello what is wrong with me? I to them - "what if you have a drinking problem and don't want wine delivered?". The young lady counted by saying - "the research shows (listen to this - it will make you laugh) these bottles of wine should last you a "life time" I asked if she drank - Oh no only a half a glass of wine sometimes- I would drink the whole bottle in onw go and don't care it if is a $5 or $500 bottle. What is wrong with these people.
So today, 15 Aug 2014, is my mums birthday. I had plans to give her a voucher and a yummy lunch from the very expensive bakery. In the meantime, I had stopped at the bank, gone and got her a voucher and saw a lady I knew from AA. She was drunk and high and I was “her best friend ever”. Took me a while to extract myself from her grip – she is a big lady with a very firm grip!!. I then got to the carpark and we have a car key that is attached to the fob bit (the bit you can remotely lock and unlock). Well, the bloody key fell off and I spent 10 mins trying to get it out of the lock. Me being a bit stressed by this point as I am running ll\nd I know mum worries about me drinking I go to the bakery. I do a u-turn and reverse into the carpark but I accidentally bump into the car behind. Bloody f**** f**** f*** the car was full of muftil cops. I just about died. I broke out into a sweat and started to shake and thought I cannot disappoint mum on her birthday. I hadn’t been drinking but I knew that they would want to tick and cross all the boxes because of my DIC history. So embarrassed I had to wait for a “marked – car” (by this time I am wanting to crawl under the car and hide away. Marked cars create nosey people who have nothing better than gossip. Where I live, there is always someone that knows you or who you are!!. ). So I am breath testered and it came up with zero and I did what Mrs D suggested and asked to photograph the machine to post it. Oh no, you can’t do that because someone might get into the software and change it. _ I think they thought I was quite mad even asking. I am so so grateful that there was no damage to either of the cars. Just to my pride. They did point out, however, that if I had damaged the police car it would be costly. By this time I am shaking and trying to hold it together. They then announce that they will not allow me to drive for the next 12 hours. That was at 11.25am. The chap was really nice and offered to drive our car home (and I was allowed to sit in the passenger seat and not in the police car). I was so embarrassed that I got them to park the car down the street. They reiterated to me that if I got in the car and attempted to put it in the garage I would be going to court. Si, I phoned a taxi to go to mum’s and 5 mins later the police car drove passed me and then another 5 mins another police car drove passed me. I didn’t get in the car but I really want to go and pick up my girls but too bad, do sad, they can walk. It is so not worth it to lose my licence because I drove the car down the driveway. You may be wondering, why did I not let the police office drive the car down the driveway? The answer is that my son would have had a fit and rung my husband and ruined my mums birthday. I was lucky, because my son is so focused on sitting on his behind in the office with the curtains closed, he did not even notice that the car was not in the garage and I have closed the garage door.
I have been tested to the core for the last 2 days. Firstly, yesterday was Thursday and I had completed a "test drive" for a car brand and they had offered me a cookbook. So, I did the test drive and yesterday instead of a cookbook - three bottles of wine were delivered. I don't know about others but my "alkie brain said yes, yes" ) bring it om! My thoughts were going haywire. What are "my options" I thought.. Option 1 was to tip it out, Option 2 was to give it away and Option 3 - drink it. I am an impulsive person and I believe that is a product of drinking. My impulses don't normally work out well. This time it did. I asked my son if he would tip them out. He was gagging to tip them out from the time they arrived. Apparently, they were very expensive bottles of wine. I didn't want them and I phoned and complained - hello what is wrong with me? I to them - "what if you have a drinking problem and don't want wine delivered?". The young lady counted by saying - "the research shows (listen to this - it will make you laugh) these bottles of wine should last you a "life time" I asked if she drank - Oh no only a half a glass of wine sometimes- I would drink the whole bottle in onw go and don't care it if is a $5 or $500 bottle. What is wrong with these people.
So today, 15 Aug 2014, is my mums birthday. I had plans to give her a voucher and a yummy lunch from the very expensive bakery. In the meantime, I had stopped at the bank, gone and got her a voucher and saw a lady I knew from AA. She was drunk and high and I was “her best friend ever”. Took me a while to extract myself from her grip – she is a big lady with a very firm grip!!. I then got to the carpark and we have a car key that is attached to the fob bit (the bit you can remotely lock and unlock). Well, the bloody key fell off and I spent 10 mins trying to get it out of the lock. Me being a bit stressed by this point as I am running ll\nd I know mum worries about me drinking I go to the bakery. I do a u-turn and reverse into the carpark but I accidentally bump into the car behind. Bloody f**** f**** f*** the car was full of muftil cops. I just about died. I broke out into a sweat and started to shake and thought I cannot disappoint mum on her birthday. I hadn’t been drinking but I knew that they would want to tick and cross all the boxes because of my DIC history. So embarrassed I had to wait for a “marked – car” (by this time I am wanting to crawl under the car and hide away. Marked cars create nosey people who have nothing better than gossip. Where I live, there is always someone that knows you or who you are!!. ). So I am breath testered and it came up with zero and I did what Mrs D suggested and asked to photograph the machine to post it. Oh no, you can’t do that because someone might get into the software and change it. _ I think they thought I was quite mad even asking. I am so so grateful that there was no damage to either of the cars. Just to my pride. They did point out, however, that if I had damaged the police car it would be costly. By this time I am shaking and trying to hold it together. They then announce that they will not allow me to drive for the next 12 hours. That was at 11.25am. The chap was really nice and offered to drive our car home (and I was allowed to sit in the passenger seat and not in the police car). I was so embarrassed that I got them to park the car down the street. They reiterated to me that if I got in the car and attempted to put it in the garage I would be going to court. Si, I phoned a taxi to go to mum’s and 5 mins later the police car drove passed me and then another 5 mins another police car drove passed me. I didn’t get in the car but I really want to go and pick up my girls but too bad, do sad, they can walk. It is so not worth it to lose my licence because I drove the car down the driveway. You may be wondering, why did I not let the police office drive the car down the driveway? The answer is that my son would have had a fit and rung my husband and ruined my mums birthday. I was lucky, because my son is so focused on sitting on his behind in the office with the curtains closed, he did not even notice that the car was not in the garage and I have closed the garage door.
Sorry for the long long bleat but I needed to offload. I am so so proud of myself that, for once, I could confidentially blow in the breath tester and know it was zero, gutted about my driving ability. But I am happy. Oh look almost 600 members.
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Tuesday, 12th August 2014 - Bloody Alcohol
Well, it is 12.51pm on Tuesday afternoon and I have not blogged for a few days. Why haven't I blogged? No excuse other than complacence on my part.
I was just reading Mrs D blog where she mentioned it all has gone quiet because of the website. I love the website but I also need to offload here too. I don't want to bandy all my problems around to the cyber world in an open forum and have this as my comfort zone.
So today I am 7 days sober. That is the most I have been sober since easter this year. I have been struggling and even as I sit here at this moment my brain is telling me I need to go to the supermarket to get a drink. I don't know about other people but I sometimes feel that my brain is in two parts and that are physically fighting each other. One says drink and the other one says no and I get exhausted with the internal battle all of the time.
Sad news today that Robin Williams apparently killed himself. He was battling demons for years and my son said to me just before (he is 17). He was such a funny man. I countered by saying just because you portray you are funny does not mean that you are happy. We are all good at putting a facade of how we want to be portrayed.
What is happiness anyway? Is it wealth and fame, is it happy families (and what does that mean), is it a career or is it just the real basics like food, shelter and love?. What is fun? We are miserable gits at present.
I am trying to think back to when I was truly happy and I really don't know what that was like and I don't think my husband knows either. We just plod along and do the best we can.
I have mum calling me to help her do something and I will. I just feel Blah
I was just reading Mrs D blog where she mentioned it all has gone quiet because of the website. I love the website but I also need to offload here too. I don't want to bandy all my problems around to the cyber world in an open forum and have this as my comfort zone.
So today I am 7 days sober. That is the most I have been sober since easter this year. I have been struggling and even as I sit here at this moment my brain is telling me I need to go to the supermarket to get a drink. I don't know about other people but I sometimes feel that my brain is in two parts and that are physically fighting each other. One says drink and the other one says no and I get exhausted with the internal battle all of the time.
Sad news today that Robin Williams apparently killed himself. He was battling demons for years and my son said to me just before (he is 17). He was such a funny man. I countered by saying just because you portray you are funny does not mean that you are happy. We are all good at putting a facade of how we want to be portrayed.
What is happiness anyway? Is it wealth and fame, is it happy families (and what does that mean), is it a career or is it just the real basics like food, shelter and love?. What is fun? We are miserable gits at present.
I am trying to think back to when I was truly happy and I really don't know what that was like and I don't think my husband knows either. We just plod along and do the best we can.
I have mum calling me to help her do something and I will. I just feel Blah
Friday 8 August 2014
Friday, 8th August 2014 - I am so addicted but love this addiction :)!
It is official, I am addicted to the Living Sober website. It just goes to show how much of an addictive personality I have. I can't leave the bloody website alone for 5 minutes because I am like a child with a new toy and so loving the interaction and the support. I want to be involved and I am - anyone and everyone is getting involved and it is fantastic. Thanks Lotta, I feel you have made a break through in helping people all around join together and support each other in our individual journeys.
Today is day 3 (again) for me and I feel like I am glued to the chair in front of the computer. I have my diet lemonade, my phone and a heater on because it is so bloody cold. I know I am going to get to day 4.
I have managed to get one of my kids off to school and although she is not 100% she went a bit late. She needs to go because she has missed out on so much school through wagging. She has been genuinely sick this week and the school was dubious. I don't blame them. I have just had a phone call though to ask - discretely, if the reason she was not at school was because of my drinking this week! Inital reaction is -"fuck you it is not your business" I did not say that of course. I said that she has been very unwell, did she go to the doctor? No because it is a virus and they can't do anything other than take your money and say bed rest, water and panadol.
I have just spoken to mum and she is proud of me but I feel like shit to be honest. Not because I have been drinking but because I have contracted the bug. I guess it was only a matter of time. My tolerance is none but I will carry on
Today is day 3 (again) for me and I feel like I am glued to the chair in front of the computer. I have my diet lemonade, my phone and a heater on because it is so bloody cold. I know I am going to get to day 4.
I have managed to get one of my kids off to school and although she is not 100% she went a bit late. She needs to go because she has missed out on so much school through wagging. She has been genuinely sick this week and the school was dubious. I don't blame them. I have just had a phone call though to ask - discretely, if the reason she was not at school was because of my drinking this week! Inital reaction is -"fuck you it is not your business" I did not say that of course. I said that she has been very unwell, did she go to the doctor? No because it is a virus and they can't do anything other than take your money and say bed rest, water and panadol.
I have just spoken to mum and she is proud of me but I feel like shit to be honest. Not because I have been drinking but because I have contracted the bug. I guess it was only a matter of time. My tolerance is none but I will carry on
Thursday 7 August 2014
Thursday 7th August, Evening post! A bloody good day:)
Well, here I am sitting at the computer it is is 6.50pm. We have had a disjointed dinner because everyone is in different stages of this horrible bug but it was dinner and everyone is happy.
Even though I feel like crap I am sober and to me that is a miracle. I did notice my husband discretely (not) searching through cupboards for wine bottles. Did I get pissed off? No, I had nothing to hide. Did he find any? No :).
So I blogged this morning that I was going to have a good day and I have. Firstly, I went onto the Living Sober Website at around 7.30am to see that there are huge amount of us out there. I have also had some awesome comments from people reading my blog but have been in the background but have touched base with me on this website.
I put a profile photo up and really, the only reason I did that is that my 13 year old daughter was looking at the website when I was in the shower. I am normally very secretive and embarrassed about my posting because I don't want my family to go through anymore grief than what they have. I accidentally left it up and she was looking through it and she said "mum, you have to put a photo up because I can see you want to be sober and look at all these other people with photos too". Along comes the photo and she literally took it, cropped it and uploaded it. She also wrote the sobriety date on a pad of paper for me to hold up because -"that is what I should do and I should be proud". Honestly, I wonder whether this child is 13 or 30.
I posted on the website that I feel it is "just like running around in your birthday suit". You bare all.
So, I went for a drive in the new Santa Fe and of course the chap wanted to sell it to me. He was talking about bluetooth, heated seats, reversing camera - blah blah blah. i just want my Al Brown cookbook. I couldn't care less about the car, Yes it was nice, but for $60k I wouldn't buy it.
I took it home to show the kids and they were about as impressed as I was but I was sober and they were thrilled.
I just got a Danielle Stelele book out of the library and I have been in tears reading it. It is about her son who died at 19 through manic depression which is not dissimilar to alcoholic depression. It is also a good reminder.
Sober treat for today was just a bath and time by myself to read through blogs and the website.
Keep communicating fellow drinkers/non-drinkers.
Cherie xx
Even though I feel like crap I am sober and to me that is a miracle. I did notice my husband discretely (not) searching through cupboards for wine bottles. Did I get pissed off? No, I had nothing to hide. Did he find any? No :).
So I blogged this morning that I was going to have a good day and I have. Firstly, I went onto the Living Sober Website at around 7.30am to see that there are huge amount of us out there. I have also had some awesome comments from people reading my blog but have been in the background but have touched base with me on this website.
I put a profile photo up and really, the only reason I did that is that my 13 year old daughter was looking at the website when I was in the shower. I am normally very secretive and embarrassed about my posting because I don't want my family to go through anymore grief than what they have. I accidentally left it up and she was looking through it and she said "mum, you have to put a photo up because I can see you want to be sober and look at all these other people with photos too". Along comes the photo and she literally took it, cropped it and uploaded it. She also wrote the sobriety date on a pad of paper for me to hold up because -"that is what I should do and I should be proud". Honestly, I wonder whether this child is 13 or 30.
I posted on the website that I feel it is "just like running around in your birthday suit". You bare all.
So, I went for a drive in the new Santa Fe and of course the chap wanted to sell it to me. He was talking about bluetooth, heated seats, reversing camera - blah blah blah. i just want my Al Brown cookbook. I couldn't care less about the car, Yes it was nice, but for $60k I wouldn't buy it.
I took it home to show the kids and they were about as impressed as I was but I was sober and they were thrilled.
I just got a Danielle Stelele book out of the library and I have been in tears reading it. It is about her son who died at 19 through manic depression which is not dissimilar to alcoholic depression. It is also a good reminder.
Sober treat for today was just a bath and time by myself to read through blogs and the website.
Keep communicating fellow drinkers/non-drinkers.
Cherie xx
Thursday, August 7th 2014 - Well done Mrs D Again :)
Well it is 8.34am on this calm morning and I have been glued to the computer for the last hour. I have been looking at the neat website that Mrs D created and I am blown away with the amount of members already and it hasn't even been active for 24 hours yet.
I notice that some of my fellow bloggers have joined and have even put up some photos and it is great to match a face with a name. I might be game enough to do that later today.
Yesterday was great as far as being sober goes. I am back to day two today and after reading through the "sober treats" section of the website I have decided to treat myself to some cheap fresh flowers - just a small bunch because I only made it through yesterday. I have also decided that if I make it through tomorrow I will treat myself to something little. I want to avoid chocolate and ice-cream because I really want to lose weight to but I just need to focus on staying sober first.
I have got sickness through my house with all three of my kids ill. I was quite worried for a while yesterday when temperatures spiked at 39 degrees. If I wasn't sober I would not have managed all three of them (even though they are all teenagers they still need mum when they are sick). I would have panicked but instead I calmly administered Coldral and Nurophen and checked temperatures every hour. They all rugged up and came downstairs to the family room and watched movies. Well, in amongst dozing off. I so hope I don't get this bug. It appears to be a form of flu because they have absolutely no energy.
What am I doing today to keep myself sober? Well, I plan to spend a bit of time sitting here reading blogs and looking at the website. I have been invited (yes me) to test drive a brand new car which is not on the market yet to put my "two cents worth" about the car. I don't know anything about cars accept to drive them. Of course, the guy is going to want to sign me up to buy one but he will be wasting his time. Apparently, I also get a copy of Al Browns' latest cookbook free. That should be fun. I may even break out the boots and put on some lipstick! Same old chores but I might do some baking and pop around and see mum and a visit to the library.
The kids are not well enough to go to school but now don't need to be watched either. The fever has gone and they are just at the stage where they need to sleep to recovery. I don't feel like I am neglecting them
Last night I went and had a bath at wine - o'clock and although it was still really early 5pm I did it and got into my pjs and made dinner that way. My thought was that if I was dressed for bed I would not get the urge to go out and buy wine and that would make sure I stayed sober. I worked.
I know all this and I know how to stay sober I just don't always try hard enough.
Well off to start my day. I will be back later and I will be on the website under the name Cherie (obvious reasons).
Have a good day.
Cherie xx
I notice that some of my fellow bloggers have joined and have even put up some photos and it is great to match a face with a name. I might be game enough to do that later today.
Yesterday was great as far as being sober goes. I am back to day two today and after reading through the "sober treats" section of the website I have decided to treat myself to some cheap fresh flowers - just a small bunch because I only made it through yesterday. I have also decided that if I make it through tomorrow I will treat myself to something little. I want to avoid chocolate and ice-cream because I really want to lose weight to but I just need to focus on staying sober first.
I have got sickness through my house with all three of my kids ill. I was quite worried for a while yesterday when temperatures spiked at 39 degrees. If I wasn't sober I would not have managed all three of them (even though they are all teenagers they still need mum when they are sick). I would have panicked but instead I calmly administered Coldral and Nurophen and checked temperatures every hour. They all rugged up and came downstairs to the family room and watched movies. Well, in amongst dozing off. I so hope I don't get this bug. It appears to be a form of flu because they have absolutely no energy.
What am I doing today to keep myself sober? Well, I plan to spend a bit of time sitting here reading blogs and looking at the website. I have been invited (yes me) to test drive a brand new car which is not on the market yet to put my "two cents worth" about the car. I don't know anything about cars accept to drive them. Of course, the guy is going to want to sign me up to buy one but he will be wasting his time. Apparently, I also get a copy of Al Browns' latest cookbook free. That should be fun. I may even break out the boots and put on some lipstick! Same old chores but I might do some baking and pop around and see mum and a visit to the library.
The kids are not well enough to go to school but now don't need to be watched either. The fever has gone and they are just at the stage where they need to sleep to recovery. I don't feel like I am neglecting them
Last night I went and had a bath at wine - o'clock and although it was still really early 5pm I did it and got into my pjs and made dinner that way. My thought was that if I was dressed for bed I would not get the urge to go out and buy wine and that would make sure I stayed sober. I worked.
I know all this and I know how to stay sober I just don't always try hard enough.
Well off to start my day. I will be back later and I will be on the website under the name Cherie (obvious reasons).
Have a good day.
Cherie xx
Tuesday 5 August 2014
Tuesday, 5th August 2014 - Bugs Bugs Galore!!
Well it has been a couple of days since I have made time to sit and write my blog. I have read blogs and commented as well.
Today, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I have a house fill of sick people. At this stage my two girls are sick with some virus that my middle child kindly contracted from one of her friends. I can feel the start of it coming on. It is a fever and aches with a sore throat. A mild flu I would say. I am not looking forward to the two men getting it. They are the biggest babies when they get sick. So why am I sitting here writing this instead of looking after my kids? Well, I want to stay sober today so this is one of my tools to do so.
I went out earlier to get some Codral tablets - a big box!! I had the "I don't trust you mum so I am coming with you" from my youngest. Well that made me feel about two inches tall. I told her "no" she had to stay in bed and reluctantly she did but I had text messages and phone calls from her consistently until I returned home with the medication. I also went out a bought the DVD called Frozen for them to watch. I was inspected thoroughly, handbag and car were inspected as well as all my know hiding places to see if I had bought in any wine. I felt resentful at this but I kept telling myself that the reason they don't trust you is because you have not given them any reason to trust you. The last thing they want when they are sick (or at any time really) is mum not to be around to comfort them in a sober state. That would portray to them that I don't care about them. I do care about them but I can feel the resentment and anger building.
I promised the girls I would come and watch the dvd with them so that is what I need to do. Follow through with what I say. I really don't want to watch a Disney animated film but it is not about the film it is about quality time with my girls. They really want me to sit between them and put an arm around each of them so they feel that I do care about them and they feel loved.
Following through is something I used to do when I was sober or a "normal drinker" years ago but I appear to have lost the ability to do that since the alcohol has taken hold of me. I tend to bribe to get respected. That doesn't work of course. All they want is mum and by that I mean the sober version.
I was just reading a blog and one of the last comments is that "I don't know who I am". I so get that. I know who I was and I know what I want to be but I look in the mirror and the person steering back at me is foreigner! What I need to do is to get that person I was back. I know she is still there because there are snippets of her especially when sober.
So they have put the dvd on pause so that I will come down and I will but I just want to finish this first.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. My youngest once again refused to go to school. I did not cope well and especially after getting a filling from the dentist of $270 plus need more work and a bloody parking ticket and the school ringing me consistently, my son blabbing to someone at AA about what happened a couple of months ago when I had a seizure (no one was supposed to know) and her telling me it is the "AA way to be honest". Well, I have been honest I just missed that bit out because AA like anything is a community. Communitites are great but they have there downfalls too. Like gossip. Because I feel like I am an AA failure I try and avoid being any part of gossip and I certainly don't want to be cause of it so they can point fingers and say "well, if she could just get the programme it would be ok". Humans love gossip and I have found that addicts in particular thrive off it. So I had an agrument with this lady and basically told her to fuck off and stop giving advice to my family. I feel terrible and texted her an apology. Not before I picked up a drink so today is back to day 1 again and no wonder the kids are anxious. When I drink and am angry I become nasty and I am not, by nature, a nasty person.
We are already having trouble with the school because of our middle child and now the youngest is starting to act out as well. I just feel so helpless and so responsible because if I was a normal mum (like when they were at primary school) they would not act out as much. The school must be thinking that we are a bunch of "no-hopers". Unfortunately, they are not used to dealing with parents of child(ren) who live in affluent areas. The kids that tend to act out are from areas and families that don't tend to have food on the table and have to struggle through. This proves to me that alcoholism doesn't and won't care about who you are, where you are from, how much money you have or don't have, what career you have, what race you are, how fat or skinny you are, if you have no kids or 10 kids. At the end of the day it will destroy anything in its path.
I am being summoned so I will finish on this comment. I am so so looking forward to Mrs D website tomorrow and I will be signing up and I hope other bloggers will do the same because it sounds like it will be cool to interact.
I am still going to blog because that is my saviour at present.
Going to watch a kiddies movie but will check in later.
Cherie xx
Today, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I have a house fill of sick people. At this stage my two girls are sick with some virus that my middle child kindly contracted from one of her friends. I can feel the start of it coming on. It is a fever and aches with a sore throat. A mild flu I would say. I am not looking forward to the two men getting it. They are the biggest babies when they get sick. So why am I sitting here writing this instead of looking after my kids? Well, I want to stay sober today so this is one of my tools to do so.
I went out earlier to get some Codral tablets - a big box!! I had the "I don't trust you mum so I am coming with you" from my youngest. Well that made me feel about two inches tall. I told her "no" she had to stay in bed and reluctantly she did but I had text messages and phone calls from her consistently until I returned home with the medication. I also went out a bought the DVD called Frozen for them to watch. I was inspected thoroughly, handbag and car were inspected as well as all my know hiding places to see if I had bought in any wine. I felt resentful at this but I kept telling myself that the reason they don't trust you is because you have not given them any reason to trust you. The last thing they want when they are sick (or at any time really) is mum not to be around to comfort them in a sober state. That would portray to them that I don't care about them. I do care about them but I can feel the resentment and anger building.
I promised the girls I would come and watch the dvd with them so that is what I need to do. Follow through with what I say. I really don't want to watch a Disney animated film but it is not about the film it is about quality time with my girls. They really want me to sit between them and put an arm around each of them so they feel that I do care about them and they feel loved.
Following through is something I used to do when I was sober or a "normal drinker" years ago but I appear to have lost the ability to do that since the alcohol has taken hold of me. I tend to bribe to get respected. That doesn't work of course. All they want is mum and by that I mean the sober version.
I was just reading a blog and one of the last comments is that "I don't know who I am". I so get that. I know who I was and I know what I want to be but I look in the mirror and the person steering back at me is foreigner! What I need to do is to get that person I was back. I know she is still there because there are snippets of her especially when sober.
So they have put the dvd on pause so that I will come down and I will but I just want to finish this first.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. My youngest once again refused to go to school. I did not cope well and especially after getting a filling from the dentist of $270 plus need more work and a bloody parking ticket and the school ringing me consistently, my son blabbing to someone at AA about what happened a couple of months ago when I had a seizure (no one was supposed to know) and her telling me it is the "AA way to be honest". Well, I have been honest I just missed that bit out because AA like anything is a community. Communitites are great but they have there downfalls too. Like gossip. Because I feel like I am an AA failure I try and avoid being any part of gossip and I certainly don't want to be cause of it so they can point fingers and say "well, if she could just get the programme it would be ok". Humans love gossip and I have found that addicts in particular thrive off it. So I had an agrument with this lady and basically told her to fuck off and stop giving advice to my family. I feel terrible and texted her an apology. Not before I picked up a drink so today is back to day 1 again and no wonder the kids are anxious. When I drink and am angry I become nasty and I am not, by nature, a nasty person.
We are already having trouble with the school because of our middle child and now the youngest is starting to act out as well. I just feel so helpless and so responsible because if I was a normal mum (like when they were at primary school) they would not act out as much. The school must be thinking that we are a bunch of "no-hopers". Unfortunately, they are not used to dealing with parents of child(ren) who live in affluent areas. The kids that tend to act out are from areas and families that don't tend to have food on the table and have to struggle through. This proves to me that alcoholism doesn't and won't care about who you are, where you are from, how much money you have or don't have, what career you have, what race you are, how fat or skinny you are, if you have no kids or 10 kids. At the end of the day it will destroy anything in its path.
I am being summoned so I will finish on this comment. I am so so looking forward to Mrs D website tomorrow and I will be signing up and I hope other bloggers will do the same because it sounds like it will be cool to interact.
I am still going to blog because that is my saviour at present.
Going to watch a kiddies movie but will check in later.
Cherie xx
Saturday 2 August 2014
Saturday, 2nd August 2014 - Rain Rain Go Away!!
Well it is a miserable night in windy and wet Wellington but do I care? No I don't because I am sober. Day 2 has been and gone so back on the water wagon again.
Last night I ended up jumping in the bath at 5.15pm and sitting in the bath for 2 hours just so I knew I would drink. Hubby had bought takeaways including some for me. I had mine at around 7.30pm with cold Macdonals chips and a wrap. I did not care because I managed to stay sober - just.
Today has been a normal Saturday in most respects and I must admit I am quite tired tonight but I know I will sleep naturally and peacefully tonight.
I have been reading some of my favourite blogs and on one of them there was a comment about finding an empty, hidden wine bottle in the bottom of the pantry just a a member of the family comes home and then the challenges begin. I have that alot - primarily because I am slipping and sliding on this road to recovery. I now have my kids asking me to prove that I have not been drinking by blowing in the one of two breathtesters that hubby bought.
I actually got pissed off with him when he bought them and the first one I deliberately smashed to bits - am I 2? His rationale is that they are there, not to catch me out, but so I can prove that I haven't been drinking! I held a resentment against him a long time for doing that but I have now got over it and if I have been drinking I simply say "no, there is no point"!
In the worst part of my drinking (not that long ago) there would be bottles (some empty, some half-empty and some full) all around the house in various hiding spots. I used to think I was clever with my hiding spots but I would always get found out in the end. I had them in a compost bin, under the mattresses, inside boots, in the toilet cistern, in the drier, in the freezer in the fridge outside. Sometimes I would remember where they were and others well, I blackouted and couldn't remember. That used to drive me insane because I knew I had a stash somewhere around. I did not think I was insane but honestly, what normal drinker does that? A nutty one like me!!. I used to head out in the middle of the night in my pjs and dressing gown armed with empty wine bottles and pop them into the neighbours recycling bins so our one did look like an alcoholic lived in that house. The neighbours were not impressed when they cottoned on. The worst I think I have ever done is send my youngest to school (she was about 8 and is now 13) with a full bottle of wine in her school bag because I got drunk the night before and forgot where I put it. I searched high and low for this bloody bottle. She comes home from school with a look that could kill me and I say "How was your day darling?" like any "normal" mother would do. She said "I can't believe you sent me to school with a full wine bottle in my bag!" Do you know what I said? "Oh, I was looking for that, thanks for looking after it for me!". I think back on those moments and cringe. This is where alcoholism took me and it will take me further if I let it. I need to remind myself of those events to reiterate to myself that this disease will make you insane and will kill you if you let it.
Hubby and I popped in and saw my mum for a coffee this afternoon and mum pulled out this letter dated August 1958. It was basically a suicide note from my (on my dads side) grandfather to my Nana. When he was writing that note he obviously decided that he had had enough of the poison and the very next day he checked himself into the Bridge Programme (Yes it was running in 1958) and through himself into AA and did service to help him stay sober. He never picked up a drink after that to the day he died and gave my Nana the letter after he had been sober 3 or 4 years.
Mum also spoke a bit about her father (she doesn't speak much about him) but he died of alcoholism and ended up with wet brain.
I just was reading Granny's post and it shows to me that it doesn't matter if you have been sober, a day, 100 days or 25 years that "monkey on your shoulder" is busy waiting and waiting and doing press-ups in the hope that one day you will pick up that drink or at the very least be tempted to pick up that drink. Well done Granny for not listening to it.
Off to do something exciting (ironing) and watch some rubbish on TV but we are all happy and calm tonight.
Hope you all had a good day and if not, tomorrow will be a better day.
Cherie xx
Last night I ended up jumping in the bath at 5.15pm and sitting in the bath for 2 hours just so I knew I would drink. Hubby had bought takeaways including some for me. I had mine at around 7.30pm with cold Macdonals chips and a wrap. I did not care because I managed to stay sober - just.
Today has been a normal Saturday in most respects and I must admit I am quite tired tonight but I know I will sleep naturally and peacefully tonight.
I have been reading some of my favourite blogs and on one of them there was a comment about finding an empty, hidden wine bottle in the bottom of the pantry just a a member of the family comes home and then the challenges begin. I have that alot - primarily because I am slipping and sliding on this road to recovery. I now have my kids asking me to prove that I have not been drinking by blowing in the one of two breathtesters that hubby bought.
I actually got pissed off with him when he bought them and the first one I deliberately smashed to bits - am I 2? His rationale is that they are there, not to catch me out, but so I can prove that I haven't been drinking! I held a resentment against him a long time for doing that but I have now got over it and if I have been drinking I simply say "no, there is no point"!
In the worst part of my drinking (not that long ago) there would be bottles (some empty, some half-empty and some full) all around the house in various hiding spots. I used to think I was clever with my hiding spots but I would always get found out in the end. I had them in a compost bin, under the mattresses, inside boots, in the toilet cistern, in the drier, in the freezer in the fridge outside. Sometimes I would remember where they were and others well, I blackouted and couldn't remember. That used to drive me insane because I knew I had a stash somewhere around. I did not think I was insane but honestly, what normal drinker does that? A nutty one like me!!. I used to head out in the middle of the night in my pjs and dressing gown armed with empty wine bottles and pop them into the neighbours recycling bins so our one did look like an alcoholic lived in that house. The neighbours were not impressed when they cottoned on. The worst I think I have ever done is send my youngest to school (she was about 8 and is now 13) with a full bottle of wine in her school bag because I got drunk the night before and forgot where I put it. I searched high and low for this bloody bottle. She comes home from school with a look that could kill me and I say "How was your day darling?" like any "normal" mother would do. She said "I can't believe you sent me to school with a full wine bottle in my bag!" Do you know what I said? "Oh, I was looking for that, thanks for looking after it for me!". I think back on those moments and cringe. This is where alcoholism took me and it will take me further if I let it. I need to remind myself of those events to reiterate to myself that this disease will make you insane and will kill you if you let it.
Hubby and I popped in and saw my mum for a coffee this afternoon and mum pulled out this letter dated August 1958. It was basically a suicide note from my (on my dads side) grandfather to my Nana. When he was writing that note he obviously decided that he had had enough of the poison and the very next day he checked himself into the Bridge Programme (Yes it was running in 1958) and through himself into AA and did service to help him stay sober. He never picked up a drink after that to the day he died and gave my Nana the letter after he had been sober 3 or 4 years.
Mum also spoke a bit about her father (she doesn't speak much about him) but he died of alcoholism and ended up with wet brain.
I just was reading Granny's post and it shows to me that it doesn't matter if you have been sober, a day, 100 days or 25 years that "monkey on your shoulder" is busy waiting and waiting and doing press-ups in the hope that one day you will pick up that drink or at the very least be tempted to pick up that drink. Well done Granny for not listening to it.
Off to do something exciting (ironing) and watch some rubbish on TV but we are all happy and calm tonight.
Hope you all had a good day and if not, tomorrow will be a better day.
Cherie xx
Friday 1 August 2014
Friday 1 August - again -down in the dumps
It is only 4.57pm but I want to go and have a bath and get my PJs on and climb into bed! Adults don't get their pjs on early or go to bed early! I want a fucking drink actually.I have struggled through today - it was a struggle but I made it. But I still want a fucking drink but I am not going to get one.
I have a massive fight inside my head and it is giving me a headache. I wish I did bash my head against the wall but I didn't. So I am hanging on by my fingertips (literally) to stay sober today. If I can just get through the next hour I will be ok. I so hate the drinking but I am so glad you are all here for me. Quite often feel like I am getting big hugs. If I close my eyes I can feel the support. I hate Fridays. I am sober but sad and angry - go figure. I am trying not to explode and I really don't know why I feel so angry.
Hi ho Hi ho, it is off to a bath I go.
Cherie xx
I have a massive fight inside my head and it is giving me a headache. I wish I did bash my head against the wall but I didn't. So I am hanging on by my fingertips (literally) to stay sober today. If I can just get through the next hour I will be ok. I so hate the drinking but I am so glad you are all here for me. Quite often feel like I am getting big hugs. If I close my eyes I can feel the support. I hate Fridays. I am sober but sad and angry - go figure. I am trying not to explode and I really don't know why I feel so angry.
Hi ho Hi ho, it is off to a bath I go.
Cherie xx
Friday 1 August 2014 - Back to Day 1 Again.
Yes that is correct, I gave into the demon and drank yesterday to blot out all of the drama with the girls. Did it help? Absolutely not. I feel like death warmed up this morning and it is self- inflicted. On the positive side I made 6 days which is great so I am now aiming to better that. I was reading some blogs this morning to cheer myself up and one of the blogs mentioned "be kind to yourself". I actually feel like getting my head and bashing it against the wall to knock some sense into me but what would that achieve accept for a massive headache? So I have decided to be kind to myself and not bash my head against the wall but go back and read my positive blogs to remind myself how good I was feeling and how proud of myself I was.
I had the
I had the
- If you weren't a drunk the kids would be better behaved and willing to achieve rather than just plodding along and doing what they want when they want.
- If you were working it would show the kids some work ethic.
- If you had a spotless house then the kids will follow suit.
- If you didn't drink you would lose the weight you put on and might be able to get into your clothes.
Blah, blah, blah. I agree that lead by example is the best way . Unfortunately, my example has not been great and it is coming back to bite me on the bum.
Why is it that kids pick on the negative behaviour rather than the positive behaviour? I have positive behaviour too even when I am drinking but no - they pick up on the bad behaviour I exhibit when I am drinking. It is quite shocking to witness this behaviour when I am sober and know that that is how I behaviour when I have had a few too many to drink. Not good.
So instead of beating myself up which just creates a viscous cycle I am going to be positive today and get stuck into some much needed cleaning. It has been really nice getting my middle child to help and she has done the jobs that were annoying me that I hated. She was willing to do it because I was sober.Like cleaning all the mould off the skylight and windowsills. It looks lovely and she can see the benefit of cleaning and is proud of the outcome. There is hope for her yet. Of course, she does expect money but that is OK because she is normally so lazy. They all are actually. When I was a teenager I always asked mum what I could do to help. My kids moan and groan even to do something like take their plates to the kitchen after dinner. That is my fault because I let them off and over-compensate because of the guilt and remorse I feel about drinking. It does them no good and I fear that I have created monsters as when they leave home they will be incapable of doing anything for themselves. They don't even know how to dry dishes by hand!! Don't make that my problem.
Despite the weather being foul and a hangover I am trying to shake off I am feeling more positive than I did an hour a go when I first sat down at the computer.
Time to get off my butt and do something positive and productive.
Later
Cherie xx
Thursday 31 July 2014
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Well, well, well here I am at day 6! I really can't believe I have actually been sober 6 days. It is a bloody miracle and it is all thanks to all the great blogs I am reading and the support I am getting from my blog.
I have not been 6 days sober for months. I have thought about drinking and I have even bought a bottle of wine. A funny story really. On Monday, I bought a bottle of wine just because- I did. I had it hidden in the laundry basket to take it upstairs to do what I normally do. Hide and drink and drink and hide. Hubby comes home early - bastard - why can't he just stay at work until I have had my drink - me thinks. Anyway, his trousers came down at the hem so he comes upstairs to put some jeans on so we (the royal "we" whoops did he mean me?) can fix them. He offers to help fold up the washing. Bugger, bugger I think. The bloody wine bottle is there and the last thing I want him to do is to find it and tip it out! So I hover around and he hovers around. He is not silly and he knows by my behaviour that there must be a wine bottle somewhere. I had not had a drink - which again was a bloody miracle because it was 5.30pm! Anyway, eventually I think I better go downstairs and sort out dinner and hold my breath because I was going to get a lecture. He comes down about 5 minutes later and pretends he has not found it. Screwing with my head I thought!! The facade continues through the night with the only real giveaway that he has found it is that several times he will come and hug and kiss me and say "you have done well today, don't fuck it up". This confirms that he has found it but not going to tackle me about it. This is not normal behaviour!
I spend the evening downstairs doing dinner, ironing and watching tv and do not touch this wine bottle. I am so proud of myself because I know it is there but I don't even open it to smell the wine.
Off to bed we go around 11pm. I read my book until around midnight and the wine is still not open. I have, by this time, moved it to behind my dressing table. I go to sleep happy. I wake up (sort-of) around 3am when hubby takes the dogs out to the toilet and see him looking behind my dressing table to see if the wine is still unopened. It is. I go back to sleep with a smirk on my face.
Come Tuesday, hubby goes to work as normal and the wine is still there unopened. So what did I do with it? I got my son to tip it out because if I open the wine and even sniff it I will drink it. So, Tuesday was a great day because my son and I went out together for a couple of hours. He actually wanted to spend time with me.! We went to the Zoo (he is 17 and has always had a love of animals and wants to be a zookeeper) and it was bloody freezing and windy but I was grateful he wanted to spend time with me.
Hubby got home amd we had a bit of banter about the fact that he found the wine and I knew he knew and he knew that I knew. Confused? But the best part was that he did not make a fuss about it and I arranged for it to be tipped out. Normally, hubby would make a fuss and I would think "fuck you" I am going to drink it. But I didn't.
Last night was Wednesday and I had a horrible day with my youngest. I think if you read my blog from last Wednesday you will find it it "ground-hog day". She stayed home from school because she was tired and blamed me. Why not? I am a good scape goat! Ignore, ignore, ignore my mum says. But I got angry because her friends arrived after school to see if she was ok (there was nothing wrong with her) and she fed them ice-cream and cake and whatever. I lost the plot - It might sound pathetic but I don't think I should feed all and sundry when my daughter won't even go to school. I did not make a scene (what is wrong with me?) I did convey my displeasure.
What I didn't do was drink, instead I made her do some cleaning - not just easy stuff. I made her clean the skylignts and windows around them. She did it and with grace.
Today is Thursday and my day is shit. I have had ntoification from the school that my middle child is going to be kicked out because of non-attendacnce. We have tried and tried to get her to attend school but she uses me as ane excuse. I want a drink to drown it awya but I think I will go and lie down and read a book at swithch off.
Later :)
I have not been 6 days sober for months. I have thought about drinking and I have even bought a bottle of wine. A funny story really. On Monday, I bought a bottle of wine just because- I did. I had it hidden in the laundry basket to take it upstairs to do what I normally do. Hide and drink and drink and hide. Hubby comes home early - bastard - why can't he just stay at work until I have had my drink - me thinks. Anyway, his trousers came down at the hem so he comes upstairs to put some jeans on so we (the royal "we" whoops did he mean me?) can fix them. He offers to help fold up the washing. Bugger, bugger I think. The bloody wine bottle is there and the last thing I want him to do is to find it and tip it out! So I hover around and he hovers around. He is not silly and he knows by my behaviour that there must be a wine bottle somewhere. I had not had a drink - which again was a bloody miracle because it was 5.30pm! Anyway, eventually I think I better go downstairs and sort out dinner and hold my breath because I was going to get a lecture. He comes down about 5 minutes later and pretends he has not found it. Screwing with my head I thought!! The facade continues through the night with the only real giveaway that he has found it is that several times he will come and hug and kiss me and say "you have done well today, don't fuck it up". This confirms that he has found it but not going to tackle me about it. This is not normal behaviour!
I spend the evening downstairs doing dinner, ironing and watching tv and do not touch this wine bottle. I am so proud of myself because I know it is there but I don't even open it to smell the wine.
Off to bed we go around 11pm. I read my book until around midnight and the wine is still not open. I have, by this time, moved it to behind my dressing table. I go to sleep happy. I wake up (sort-of) around 3am when hubby takes the dogs out to the toilet and see him looking behind my dressing table to see if the wine is still unopened. It is. I go back to sleep with a smirk on my face.
Come Tuesday, hubby goes to work as normal and the wine is still there unopened. So what did I do with it? I got my son to tip it out because if I open the wine and even sniff it I will drink it. So, Tuesday was a great day because my son and I went out together for a couple of hours. He actually wanted to spend time with me.! We went to the Zoo (he is 17 and has always had a love of animals and wants to be a zookeeper) and it was bloody freezing and windy but I was grateful he wanted to spend time with me.
Hubby got home amd we had a bit of banter about the fact that he found the wine and I knew he knew and he knew that I knew. Confused? But the best part was that he did not make a fuss about it and I arranged for it to be tipped out. Normally, hubby would make a fuss and I would think "fuck you" I am going to drink it. But I didn't.
Last night was Wednesday and I had a horrible day with my youngest. I think if you read my blog from last Wednesday you will find it it "ground-hog day". She stayed home from school because she was tired and blamed me. Why not? I am a good scape goat! Ignore, ignore, ignore my mum says. But I got angry because her friends arrived after school to see if she was ok (there was nothing wrong with her) and she fed them ice-cream and cake and whatever. I lost the plot - It might sound pathetic but I don't think I should feed all and sundry when my daughter won't even go to school. I did not make a scene (what is wrong with me?) I did convey my displeasure.
What I didn't do was drink, instead I made her do some cleaning - not just easy stuff. I made her clean the skylignts and windows around them. She did it and with grace.
Today is Thursday and my day is shit. I have had ntoification from the school that my middle child is going to be kicked out because of non-attendacnce. We have tried and tried to get her to attend school but she uses me as ane excuse. I want a drink to drown it awya but I think I will go and lie down and read a book at swithch off.
Later :)
Monday 28 July 2014
Monday 28 July 2014
Hello all. Yes I made it through a Monday with no drinking. I am sober . Yay me :-)).This is the first Monday for a few weeks that I have managed to stay sober.
I went to mum's for lunch for the first time by myself for months. I was on trust that I would not drink and drive. I didn't and she was thrilled. I did a couple of chores for her and came back to a very relieved son that I hadn't been drinking. I then did things like I would expect a normal stay at home mum would do. Washing, vacuuming, baking and being sober when my youngest arrived home with a couple of friends. She gave me s bug hug when they left and said thanks for being sober today. I then went picked up my middle child and took her for an overdue blood test. She was thrilled I was sober and I had some fun with her. Cooked a lovely roast and hubby was relieved that he came home to a sober wife. That's a rare occurrence on a Monday. Watched tv and just came upstairs to do this. I am chuffed with myself and although 3 days sober is nothing it is a big achievement for me.
Cherie xx
I went to mum's for lunch for the first time by myself for months. I was on trust that I would not drink and drive. I didn't and she was thrilled. I did a couple of chores for her and came back to a very relieved son that I hadn't been drinking. I then did things like I would expect a normal stay at home mum would do. Washing, vacuuming, baking and being sober when my youngest arrived home with a couple of friends. She gave me s bug hug when they left and said thanks for being sober today. I then went picked up my middle child and took her for an overdue blood test. She was thrilled I was sober and I had some fun with her. Cooked a lovely roast and hubby was relieved that he came home to a sober wife. That's a rare occurrence on a Monday. Watched tv and just came upstairs to do this. I am chuffed with myself and although 3 days sober is nothing it is a big achievement for me.
Cherie xx
Sunday 27 July 2014
Sunday, 27th July 2014
Well it is Sunday evening and I am back to day 2 today and I am determined that tomorrow (Monday) will be a sober day and day 3. I know I can do it because every weekend I don't have any desire to drink as I have mentioned in my earlier posts. I have planned my day quite carefully tomorrow and I am hoping that will help me through the day. As the saying goes "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". I have not been planning my days during the week and just letting things happen and keeping myself in a rut. Not tomorrow.
I was just reading Mrs D's post and "yes" I believe she has started a revolution and a community of people at different stages in sobriety who are now supporting each other. It is inspirational to see the comments and the interactions on her blog and I will definitely be signing up to the website because although, I have been having ups and downs I feel that generally I am in a better place than what I would have been without it. For me, the only reason I started this blog was seeing Mrs D on TV and hearing about how she used blogging to get sober. I then spent time reading through her blog and discovered that there are so many of us out there and we really can help each other and support each other when times get tough. I have been helped and supported in the last month I have writing this blog by so many lovely people. The thing I find about this sort of community, like AA in a way, is that if you "slip-up" and OMG I am the queen of slip-ups, I do not feel judged. I feel encouraged to get back and try again and focus on the goal of staying sober. On, the other hand I am not using that is an excuse to drink - I can find any number of excuses - Happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, lonely, tired and stressed and whatever else comes to mind to justify my drinking for the day.
It was an interesting day today and it just proves to me that I can be a normal parent and can get respect -
WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING. We had quite a productive family working day. I even managed to 'put my foot down" and get the kids to do some chores. They moaned and my son abused me but he still mowed the lawns and did a good job. I had my middle girl clean all the mould off the windows in the downstairs part of the house (we have a big house) which took her about an hour and half. and to my surprise she happily did it! I picked her up from a friends house at midday and announced that since she is away all the time and gets money for doing nothing she can do the windows this afternoon. My husband and I took my mum out for a couple of hours and I was expecting that the chores would not be done but she had them done and had done a really good job. My youngest had the job of cleaning all the mirrors in the house and the internal french doors. She did a good job of that too. Mum said to me "see Cherie, look how much more respect you have from the kids on the days that you don't drink, they may moan and groan (my son did) but they will do it. They won't do anything for you when you have been drinking". How very true that it.
I was reading a blog of a lovely lady the other day who's father has passed after a long battle with alcoholism. It appears it affected his brain in the end and it is such a waste of a life. That was a stark reminder to me that if I continue to drink I may end up with a :wet brain"! Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. One died sober after 20 years of good sobriety and started some AA meetings in the area he lived in. The other unfortunately died in mental hospital of :wet brain". I have an auntie on mum's side and an uncle on dad's side who also died from the affects of alcohol. It is such a waste. The problem with this disease is it will kill you if you let it but I have a choice.
Mrs D said in her post that it is about training your brain that alcohol is not like bread and milk even though it is sold at the supermarket. I thought that was a great comparison and I am now telling myself something very simple that I saw the other day on a blog - I do not drink. I have been telling myself that and I have set up a reminder on my phone that says I do not drink.
Here's hoping for a good day tomorrow. :)
Cherie xx
I was just reading Mrs D's post and "yes" I believe she has started a revolution and a community of people at different stages in sobriety who are now supporting each other. It is inspirational to see the comments and the interactions on her blog and I will definitely be signing up to the website because although, I have been having ups and downs I feel that generally I am in a better place than what I would have been without it. For me, the only reason I started this blog was seeing Mrs D on TV and hearing about how she used blogging to get sober. I then spent time reading through her blog and discovered that there are so many of us out there and we really can help each other and support each other when times get tough. I have been helped and supported in the last month I have writing this blog by so many lovely people. The thing I find about this sort of community, like AA in a way, is that if you "slip-up" and OMG I am the queen of slip-ups, I do not feel judged. I feel encouraged to get back and try again and focus on the goal of staying sober. On, the other hand I am not using that is an excuse to drink - I can find any number of excuses - Happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, lonely, tired and stressed and whatever else comes to mind to justify my drinking for the day.
It was an interesting day today and it just proves to me that I can be a normal parent and can get respect -
WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING. We had quite a productive family working day. I even managed to 'put my foot down" and get the kids to do some chores. They moaned and my son abused me but he still mowed the lawns and did a good job. I had my middle girl clean all the mould off the windows in the downstairs part of the house (we have a big house) which took her about an hour and half. and to my surprise she happily did it! I picked her up from a friends house at midday and announced that since she is away all the time and gets money for doing nothing she can do the windows this afternoon. My husband and I took my mum out for a couple of hours and I was expecting that the chores would not be done but she had them done and had done a really good job. My youngest had the job of cleaning all the mirrors in the house and the internal french doors. She did a good job of that too. Mum said to me "see Cherie, look how much more respect you have from the kids on the days that you don't drink, they may moan and groan (my son did) but they will do it. They won't do anything for you when you have been drinking". How very true that it.
I was reading a blog of a lovely lady the other day who's father has passed after a long battle with alcoholism. It appears it affected his brain in the end and it is such a waste of a life. That was a stark reminder to me that if I continue to drink I may end up with a :wet brain"! Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. One died sober after 20 years of good sobriety and started some AA meetings in the area he lived in. The other unfortunately died in mental hospital of :wet brain". I have an auntie on mum's side and an uncle on dad's side who also died from the affects of alcohol. It is such a waste. The problem with this disease is it will kill you if you let it but I have a choice.
Mrs D said in her post that it is about training your brain that alcohol is not like bread and milk even though it is sold at the supermarket. I thought that was a great comparison and I am now telling myself something very simple that I saw the other day on a blog - I do not drink. I have been telling myself that and I have set up a reminder on my phone that says I do not drink.
Here's hoping for a good day tomorrow. :)
Cherie xx
Friday 25 July 2014
Friday, 25th July 2014 - A big sorry and a positive day.
Firstly I am so sorry that something I wrote yesterday was accidentally published. I have since deleted the post but I want to thank all of you who contacted me either by leaving comments or by emailing me and I am sorry if I caused you any stress. I really wrote that for my benefit so I could look at in when I was calm and see how stupid I was. I would never go through with anything as I know that my family would be scared for life and what legacy would that leave? A coward who had taken the easy way out. That is what I feel.
Anyway, now that I have cleared my inbox and tried to waylay fears I thought I would write a positive blog today so that all you lovely people who are supporting me can see that I am grateful to be alive and in good health. I am so grateful for all the positive support and love I get from my cyber friends.
Gratitude is something that I often forget to have. I don't need to necessarily be grateful for big things but it is the small things that count. Quite often in AA meetings people talk about making a gratitude list. I have done that this morning because I know that I have got myself into a rut this week. Mum just spoke to me on the phone for a good 30 minutes talking to me about this rut I am in. She is so wise - aren't mothers great? (I wish I felt like a great mother but I am what I am - a work in progress).
Anyway, she said that what I need to do is focus on having a good day and do things for "me" and me only. I have done my job this morning and got the girls off to school, a bit late, but they are now not my problem for a few hours. Mum said "you are in a rut and you are buying into crap and letting it dictate your day, you seem to have no way out because you won't let a door open in your head and let the bullshit go" How true. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, I wonder how to do this! So today I started a gratitude list and so far I have put the basics on, here is some of the things I have come up with:
This is just the beginning and I will add to it as the days progress. It gives me "food for thought". I suffer from a destructive disease that wants me to believe that I am a bad person, wants me to loathe myself, wants me to sacrifice myself and my family just for a bloody drink. Piss off I say. Piss off today and forever.
In some stuff I have been reading and know, there are comments about this disease. Bascially, if I had cancer then no-one would be angry or disgusted with me, they would be supportive (I am talking about people who don't live with alcoholism) but with me when I drink people are disgusted and angry with me and a lot of the time they are let down because of the promises I make that never work out. I am angry with me.
Today is going to be a good day!
Thank you to all my cyber friends I am returning you all lots of love and hugs. I can't repay you enough.
Catch up later.
Cherie xx
Anyway, now that I have cleared my inbox and tried to waylay fears I thought I would write a positive blog today so that all you lovely people who are supporting me can see that I am grateful to be alive and in good health. I am so grateful for all the positive support and love I get from my cyber friends.
Gratitude is something that I often forget to have. I don't need to necessarily be grateful for big things but it is the small things that count. Quite often in AA meetings people talk about making a gratitude list. I have done that this morning because I know that I have got myself into a rut this week. Mum just spoke to me on the phone for a good 30 minutes talking to me about this rut I am in. She is so wise - aren't mothers great? (I wish I felt like a great mother but I am what I am - a work in progress).
Anyway, she said that what I need to do is focus on having a good day and do things for "me" and me only. I have done my job this morning and got the girls off to school, a bit late, but they are now not my problem for a few hours. Mum said "you are in a rut and you are buying into crap and letting it dictate your day, you seem to have no way out because you won't let a door open in your head and let the bullshit go" How true. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, I wonder how to do this! So today I started a gratitude list and so far I have put the basics on, here is some of the things I have come up with:
- I am alive and the sun is shining.
- I don't have any real medical problems.
- I have food, clothes and shelter.
- I am loved (I am told I am loved all the time by my husband)
- I have children who are great and caring (they can be difficult but they are children)
- I have dogs that love me unconditionally.
- I have mum who is such a strong and supportive women who has lots of struggles of her own but always is there to support and advise.
- I have people who generally care about my wellbeing - that is obvious from the comments I have had. Through this blog and AA and other support networks.
- I am a qualified accountant and although I am not working at present it is only temporary and I can get my career back as I am only 48 and still have about 18 years of useful working life in me.
This is just the beginning and I will add to it as the days progress. It gives me "food for thought". I suffer from a destructive disease that wants me to believe that I am a bad person, wants me to loathe myself, wants me to sacrifice myself and my family just for a bloody drink. Piss off I say. Piss off today and forever.
In some stuff I have been reading and know, there are comments about this disease. Bascially, if I had cancer then no-one would be angry or disgusted with me, they would be supportive (I am talking about people who don't live with alcoholism) but with me when I drink people are disgusted and angry with me and a lot of the time they are let down because of the promises I make that never work out. I am angry with me.
Today is going to be a good day!
Thank you to all my cyber friends I am returning you all lots of love and hugs. I can't repay you enough.
Catch up later.
Cherie xx
Thursday 24 July 2014
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Back to day 1 AGAIN. :(
Honestly, the last two days have been horrible and I have not coped and what did I do? I did what I always do and picked up a drink to block it out! Could I have done something different? YES - write my blog and offload, call a friend, go for a walk or anything just don't pick up a drink! Did it solve anything or change anything? NO. Are the same issues still here today but personified because of the impact of alcohol? YES. I know all this and this is the insanity, the fact that my alcoholic brain says "Go on Cherie, this time it will be different?" Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks says my sensible brain. Why on earth do I give into my alcoholic brain? Is it because it is purely a habit or am I just a weak person?
I am so angry with myself but I find that chastising myself ends up carrying the cycle on! I am certainly not going to pat myself on the back but somehow I need to motivate myself to get me out of this horrendous cycle.
After my post on Tuesday I let my daughter win by picking up a drink. Yes, I stupidly played right into her hands and she was basking in the glory of bringing me down. What did I prove to her (and myself)? That I am a drunk with no backbone to stand up and be the adult and not take her crap on board! Good job Cherie - great role model!!
We also had some not so good news on Tuesday. My husband and I have a minute shareholding in the firm he works for. He is an executive amongst many other executives. Well, he has been told that he has to relinquish half of his shareholding because he has not been performing at the level expected of an executive. Bastards. He is in the office at 7.30am everyday and does a few hours work at home as well. The upshot of this is that because he has refused to travel (he is supposed to travel overseas and nationally pretty regularly) because of his unpredictable alcoholic wife and has been coming home "at a drop of the hat" when the kids phone and say "mum's drunk" even if I am not drunk, that he has significantly damaged his reputation, I feel so quilty and sick to the stomach because he worked so hard to get to that level. Alcohol has taken my career and now we are seeing the physcial and financial impacts on his. He does not blame me but made it clear that my drinking has certainly impacted him.
Great, we get the money back for the shares at a slightly higher price then we paid for them - whoopee- but off course, long term, we no longer get any dividends on these shares. He says he is lucky as some people have been told to reliquish all of their shares! I should be grateful.
So, what can I do about this situation? Nothing is the answer because I cannot not control the decision and it has already been made. So, what can I do to make sure that next year he is offered his shares back rather than told to relinquish the remainder of his shares? I know, stop drinking!!!! Simple isn't it! So why, for an intelligent (I am wondering if I am intelligent at all), determined (bloody determined to ruin) women do I just not get on and do this. Am I happy the way I am? NO I am bloody miserable.
I hate being stuck at home and I hate that I have got fat and I hate that I can't seem to get a job. It is all because of alcohol so I need to hate that.
Sorry for the angry blog but I feel better now. The last thing I want to do is to drink today too.
Honestly, the last two days have been horrible and I have not coped and what did I do? I did what I always do and picked up a drink to block it out! Could I have done something different? YES - write my blog and offload, call a friend, go for a walk or anything just don't pick up a drink! Did it solve anything or change anything? NO. Are the same issues still here today but personified because of the impact of alcohol? YES. I know all this and this is the insanity, the fact that my alcoholic brain says "Go on Cherie, this time it will be different?" Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks says my sensible brain. Why on earth do I give into my alcoholic brain? Is it because it is purely a habit or am I just a weak person?
I am so angry with myself but I find that chastising myself ends up carrying the cycle on! I am certainly not going to pat myself on the back but somehow I need to motivate myself to get me out of this horrendous cycle.
After my post on Tuesday I let my daughter win by picking up a drink. Yes, I stupidly played right into her hands and she was basking in the glory of bringing me down. What did I prove to her (and myself)? That I am a drunk with no backbone to stand up and be the adult and not take her crap on board! Good job Cherie - great role model!!
We also had some not so good news on Tuesday. My husband and I have a minute shareholding in the firm he works for. He is an executive amongst many other executives. Well, he has been told that he has to relinquish half of his shareholding because he has not been performing at the level expected of an executive. Bastards. He is in the office at 7.30am everyday and does a few hours work at home as well. The upshot of this is that because he has refused to travel (he is supposed to travel overseas and nationally pretty regularly) because of his unpredictable alcoholic wife and has been coming home "at a drop of the hat" when the kids phone and say "mum's drunk" even if I am not drunk, that he has significantly damaged his reputation, I feel so quilty and sick to the stomach because he worked so hard to get to that level. Alcohol has taken my career and now we are seeing the physcial and financial impacts on his. He does not blame me but made it clear that my drinking has certainly impacted him.
Great, we get the money back for the shares at a slightly higher price then we paid for them - whoopee- but off course, long term, we no longer get any dividends on these shares. He says he is lucky as some people have been told to reliquish all of their shares! I should be grateful.
So, what can I do about this situation? Nothing is the answer because I cannot not control the decision and it has already been made. So, what can I do to make sure that next year he is offered his shares back rather than told to relinquish the remainder of his shares? I know, stop drinking!!!! Simple isn't it! So why, for an intelligent (I am wondering if I am intelligent at all), determined (bloody determined to ruin) women do I just not get on and do this. Am I happy the way I am? NO I am bloody miserable.
I hate being stuck at home and I hate that I have got fat and I hate that I can't seem to get a job. It is all because of alcohol so I need to hate that.
Sorry for the angry blog but I feel better now. The last thing I want to do is to drink today too.
Tuesday 22 July 2014
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
The time is 11.19am and I am trying to keep calm. I can feel the anger inside building up but I am determined to push through it.
Why am I angry? Well, it is day 2 of the new school term and my youngest has flatly refused (and I mean refused) to get up and go to school because she is tired. Boo Hoo. I have no sympathy because her sleeping pattern is out of whack because she would not go to bed at a reasonable time and then would sleep until 1pm. I knew that the kids sleeping late would end up biting me on the bum and it has today. So anyway, I tried the nicey nicey, I tried the wet flannel, I tried the bribery, I tried the guilt trip and nothing worked. All she said to me was (excuse language) "fuck off mum and go and get drunk because that is all you are good for". God that hurt!! What have I done? Not get drunk for a start and I am patting myself on the back for that but it is only early in the day. I just need to push through until 6pm and then I will be good. I need to tell myself two things 1) I don't need a drink and 2) don't let her win by drinking. I am giving her the ice treatment because she is waiting for my attention. I have not made her any food or intend to , I am only speaking when spoken to and the answers are very abrupt. I have not rung the school to make excuses for her and as far as I am concerned she can suffer the consequences.Go me :).
I hope I keep strong because in my post yesterday I mentioned about over- compensating. I so want to encourage her and I have tried but not been successful. I think best course of action is to ignore, ignore, ignore and not make it my problem. The thing is that it becomes my problem. Just this minute when I was tyrping this blog I got a text from school to say she was not there. I have responded by telling them to "mark her as truant and refer to the Dean". I feel mean doing that but my children have no idea about the real world. They think that they can do whatever they want, when they want and to whom they want and there will be no consequences. She is not happy that I am not ringing her in sick and has just come back to me and said that if I don't call her in she will say that I was drunk and couldn't. Whatever - Grrr.
Later
Why am I angry? Well, it is day 2 of the new school term and my youngest has flatly refused (and I mean refused) to get up and go to school because she is tired. Boo Hoo. I have no sympathy because her sleeping pattern is out of whack because she would not go to bed at a reasonable time and then would sleep until 1pm. I knew that the kids sleeping late would end up biting me on the bum and it has today. So anyway, I tried the nicey nicey, I tried the wet flannel, I tried the bribery, I tried the guilt trip and nothing worked. All she said to me was (excuse language) "fuck off mum and go and get drunk because that is all you are good for". God that hurt!! What have I done? Not get drunk for a start and I am patting myself on the back for that but it is only early in the day. I just need to push through until 6pm and then I will be good. I need to tell myself two things 1) I don't need a drink and 2) don't let her win by drinking. I am giving her the ice treatment because she is waiting for my attention. I have not made her any food or intend to , I am only speaking when spoken to and the answers are very abrupt. I have not rung the school to make excuses for her and as far as I am concerned she can suffer the consequences.Go me :).
I hope I keep strong because in my post yesterday I mentioned about over- compensating. I so want to encourage her and I have tried but not been successful. I think best course of action is to ignore, ignore, ignore and not make it my problem. The thing is that it becomes my problem. Just this minute when I was tyrping this blog I got a text from school to say she was not there. I have responded by telling them to "mark her as truant and refer to the Dean". I feel mean doing that but my children have no idea about the real world. They think that they can do whatever they want, when they want and to whom they want and there will be no consequences. She is not happy that I am not ringing her in sick and has just come back to me and said that if I don't call her in she will say that I was drunk and couldn't. Whatever - Grrr.
Later
Monday 21 July 2014
Monday 21 July, 2014
Well it is the first day back of the new school term and I really can't believe it is term 3 already. We had a good start to the morning with both of my girls being ready to get to school semi on-time. They were both 5 minutes late but that is a big improvement from last term.
My youngest (13) decided that we don't have anything to eat in our house - we only spend $550 per week (min). We have so much food that both fridges and freezers are full, the main pantry is full is so is our emergency cupboard!. Anyhow, she decided to take one small biscuit to school for the entire day. What she wanted was money to buy food at the canteen or buy MacDonalds after school. Normally, I would give in to her because I would not want her to starve. I had money but I thought that I need to be strong and not give in all the time because I feel guilty about my drinking. Let's face it, she won't die of starvation and if she goes hungry at school she might just find something to eat in the mountains of food we have at home and maybe, just maybe, she might be happy with the lunch I pack her. Yes, I still pack the lunches and the school bags for the girls. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I still make their beds and tidy their rooms. I still run after them if they want something to eat or drink even if they are watching TV and I am busy and they are too lazy to move. Why do I do this? Guilt, remorse, low self esteem, a need to be wanted and loved, shame that I have not been (and never will be) "mother of the year/day or week! Does it help them in the long run? No NO NO.
My children are so fussy and so lazy. I need to take primary responsibility for this because I over-compensate for my behaviour.
Anyway, today is day 4 for me (again) and I am determined not to be a soft touch. It does them no good because it does not prepare them for the "real world" and frankly does me no good either because they think I am "the weakest link" and it does not instill respect. I feel it just instills resentment when they don't get what they want. In the "real world" you need to be self-sufficient, orgamised and have goals that "you" want to achieve and not given to you "on a silver platter" People won't run after them, pamper them or be tolerant of laziness. When I was a teenager I had chores - I hated it but I did them. Iam not sure if mum will agree with this but, I did them with dignity and grace :). These days it appears that children (mine anyway) won't do anything for anyone unless there is something in it for them and are very manipulative! Maybe, that is a product of learned behaviour from me and it scares me that my alcoholic behaviour has rubbed off on them. My husband behaves (most of the time) in a reasoned and calm manor so haven't they taken up his behaviour. I know why, because it appears if you behave badly you get noticed
My youngest (13) decided that we don't have anything to eat in our house - we only spend $550 per week (min). We have so much food that both fridges and freezers are full, the main pantry is full is so is our emergency cupboard!. Anyhow, she decided to take one small biscuit to school for the entire day. What she wanted was money to buy food at the canteen or buy MacDonalds after school. Normally, I would give in to her because I would not want her to starve. I had money but I thought that I need to be strong and not give in all the time because I feel guilty about my drinking. Let's face it, she won't die of starvation and if she goes hungry at school she might just find something to eat in the mountains of food we have at home and maybe, just maybe, she might be happy with the lunch I pack her. Yes, I still pack the lunches and the school bags for the girls. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I still make their beds and tidy their rooms. I still run after them if they want something to eat or drink even if they are watching TV and I am busy and they are too lazy to move. Why do I do this? Guilt, remorse, low self esteem, a need to be wanted and loved, shame that I have not been (and never will be) "mother of the year/day or week! Does it help them in the long run? No NO NO.
My children are so fussy and so lazy. I need to take primary responsibility for this because I over-compensate for my behaviour.
Anyway, today is day 4 for me (again) and I am determined not to be a soft touch. It does them no good because it does not prepare them for the "real world" and frankly does me no good either because they think I am "the weakest link" and it does not instill respect. I feel it just instills resentment when they don't get what they want. In the "real world" you need to be self-sufficient, orgamised and have goals that "you" want to achieve and not given to you "on a silver platter" People won't run after them, pamper them or be tolerant of laziness. When I was a teenager I had chores - I hated it but I did them. Iam not sure if mum will agree with this but, I did them with dignity and grace :). These days it appears that children (mine anyway) won't do anything for anyone unless there is something in it for them and are very manipulative! Maybe, that is a product of learned behaviour from me and it scares me that my alcoholic behaviour has rubbed off on them. My husband behaves (most of the time) in a reasoned and calm manor so haven't they taken up his behaviour. I know why, because it appears if you behave badly you get noticed
Saturday 19 July 2014
Saturday, 19 JUly 2014
It is 9.54pm and I have had a great two days.
It really is amazing how everyone (in my family) bounces back from a bad day. Yesterday, I refused to go out in the morning and as I mentioned I finished a novel and got out of bed late. I have now started the novel mum gave me.
My lazy kids did not get out of bed until at least 1pm but I have decided not to "sweat the small stuff" so did not get too bothered about it. I just went ahead and did my own thing. Around 3pm my middle child came and said to me "Mum, you haven't done anything with me in the school holidays and we go back to school on Monday, would you take me and my sister to the movies?". Initially, I thought no, I could not be bothered but then I thought I should relish the fact that she wanted to spend time with me. This is a first for any school holidays for a long time. She normally can't wait to get out of the door and we struggle to get her to come home1 Off we went an hour later (record time for my girls farting around with showers, hair and make-up) but we made it. We went and saw "Fault in our Stars". I almost died when I got the tickets and a couple of bags of lollies and three small drinks - $65! Oh well, it was worth every penny. I really, really enjoyed the movie and the company of the girls. I did not even mind that they teased me about crying in several parts of the movie. We got home around 6.30pm and I was still sober and had not even thought of drinking. I must always remember these times when the monkey on my shoulder tells me it is OK to have a drink. Sat down and watched Coro and then went to bed and started my new book and read until 11.30pm. That is a miracle in itself that I managed to stay awake and it was great going to sleep naturally without anything assisting.
It was fantastic waking up this morning with no guilt and just feeling happy. My husband and I even had a silly funny discussion about pathetic things as we were doing the grocery shopping. We spent far too money much because we were just chucking things in the trolley! Oh well, it is moments like that that remind me that the real me is still in there somewhere :).
I went to an AA meeting which was great and then did dinner and ironing. Boring, but it was also lovely because everyone was in the family room watching TV, or doing their own thing but we were together. This is a very rare event in my house and even my son came out and we all swashed onto the sofas and talked and had a laugh. We were watching MTV for a bit and there were old Queen and Guns n Roses songs playing. I think our neighbour must have thought we were nuts and probably thought that no one in our house could sing! We were trying to see if we could meet Freddy's high pitch. Dogs hated it.
Sober Wife shared in her blog about talking about some drinking embarrassments and I agree it is very healing. I have found that by just writing this blog I am dealing with my demons in a much more productive way. I am still not 100% sober but I really have made progress. It is all thanks to all you lovely bloggers who share your stories and your lives. As Mrs D said in one of her posts it is like having a huge hug from your cyber friends.
That is all for now. Off to read my book in peace before hubby comes up and complains about having the light on. He much prefers coming to bed with me reading and sober than passed out, smelling of alcohol and snoring. I wonder why? :)
Cherie xx
It really is amazing how everyone (in my family) bounces back from a bad day. Yesterday, I refused to go out in the morning and as I mentioned I finished a novel and got out of bed late. I have now started the novel mum gave me.
My lazy kids did not get out of bed until at least 1pm but I have decided not to "sweat the small stuff" so did not get too bothered about it. I just went ahead and did my own thing. Around 3pm my middle child came and said to me "Mum, you haven't done anything with me in the school holidays and we go back to school on Monday, would you take me and my sister to the movies?". Initially, I thought no, I could not be bothered but then I thought I should relish the fact that she wanted to spend time with me. This is a first for any school holidays for a long time. She normally can't wait to get out of the door and we struggle to get her to come home1 Off we went an hour later (record time for my girls farting around with showers, hair and make-up) but we made it. We went and saw "Fault in our Stars". I almost died when I got the tickets and a couple of bags of lollies and three small drinks - $65! Oh well, it was worth every penny. I really, really enjoyed the movie and the company of the girls. I did not even mind that they teased me about crying in several parts of the movie. We got home around 6.30pm and I was still sober and had not even thought of drinking. I must always remember these times when the monkey on my shoulder tells me it is OK to have a drink. Sat down and watched Coro and then went to bed and started my new book and read until 11.30pm. That is a miracle in itself that I managed to stay awake and it was great going to sleep naturally without anything assisting.
It was fantastic waking up this morning with no guilt and just feeling happy. My husband and I even had a silly funny discussion about pathetic things as we were doing the grocery shopping. We spent far too money much because we were just chucking things in the trolley! Oh well, it is moments like that that remind me that the real me is still in there somewhere :).
I went to an AA meeting which was great and then did dinner and ironing. Boring, but it was also lovely because everyone was in the family room watching TV, or doing their own thing but we were together. This is a very rare event in my house and even my son came out and we all swashed onto the sofas and talked and had a laugh. We were watching MTV for a bit and there were old Queen and Guns n Roses songs playing. I think our neighbour must have thought we were nuts and probably thought that no one in our house could sing! We were trying to see if we could meet Freddy's high pitch. Dogs hated it.
Sober Wife shared in her blog about talking about some drinking embarrassments and I agree it is very healing. I have found that by just writing this blog I am dealing with my demons in a much more productive way. I am still not 100% sober but I really have made progress. It is all thanks to all you lovely bloggers who share your stories and your lives. As Mrs D said in one of her posts it is like having a huge hug from your cyber friends.
That is all for now. Off to read my book in peace before hubby comes up and complains about having the light on. He much prefers coming to bed with me reading and sober than passed out, smelling of alcohol and snoring. I wonder why? :)
Cherie xx
Friday 18 July 2014
Friday 18th July, 2014
Back to day 1 again :(. I really set myself up to fail yesterday when I was re-reading my blog just before the tone of it was really negative. I think that if I am really honest with myself (the whole point of writing my blog) then I probably woke up with the thought of drinking in my head and did nothing to fight it off. The end result was a miserable end to the day.
Enough doom and gloom. All that does is set me in a cycle of "bad person" and then I may as well drink. Not today. No no no no. It is the last day of the school holidays and I am going to do a heap of ironing while watching a girly flick with my middle child.
Under no circumstances am I going to leave the house and go anywhere near where alcohol is sold. There is no alcohol left and the only way it gets into the house is if I buy it. We are supposed to have an alcohol free house. Hubby doesn't drink any more but he is one of these really annoying moderate drinkers. I can never understand how someone could have a glass of wine with dinner (he used) and then put the bottle back in the fridge for the next day. No way can I do that. The bottle would be gone in a flash and I would be looking around for more!
It really does show how destructive alcohol is for me. When I drink absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, gets done. I have just spent an hour in the kitchen clearing aways 2 days worth of dishes because my husband (rightly so) won't do them because it highlights what I miss out on doing when drinking. The washing has not been put away for two days. I have half finished the vacumm cleaning, I have half cleaned half of the bathrooms, the bucket is full of water from two days ago as I was planning on cleaning the mould off the windowsills.
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to finish a novel I have been reading as mum gave me one that I am really keen to read but would not read two books at once. I finished it and I got up at 12.15pm (Shh don't tell anyone). I felt I have achieved something and I had not been out to get wine. I just need to hold on until 6pm when I know that the cravings will pass and then I can sit down and watch Coronation Street.
Will check in later. :)
Enough doom and gloom. All that does is set me in a cycle of "bad person" and then I may as well drink. Not today. No no no no. It is the last day of the school holidays and I am going to do a heap of ironing while watching a girly flick with my middle child.
Under no circumstances am I going to leave the house and go anywhere near where alcohol is sold. There is no alcohol left and the only way it gets into the house is if I buy it. We are supposed to have an alcohol free house. Hubby doesn't drink any more but he is one of these really annoying moderate drinkers. I can never understand how someone could have a glass of wine with dinner (he used) and then put the bottle back in the fridge for the next day. No way can I do that. The bottle would be gone in a flash and I would be looking around for more!
It really does show how destructive alcohol is for me. When I drink absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, gets done. I have just spent an hour in the kitchen clearing aways 2 days worth of dishes because my husband (rightly so) won't do them because it highlights what I miss out on doing when drinking. The washing has not been put away for two days. I have half finished the vacumm cleaning, I have half cleaned half of the bathrooms, the bucket is full of water from two days ago as I was planning on cleaning the mould off the windowsills.
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to finish a novel I have been reading as mum gave me one that I am really keen to read but would not read two books at once. I finished it and I got up at 12.15pm (Shh don't tell anyone). I felt I have achieved something and I had not been out to get wine. I just need to hold on until 6pm when I know that the cravings will pass and then I can sit down and watch Coronation Street.
Will check in later. :)
Thursday 17 July 2014
Thursday 17th July 2014
It is 11.52am and I am frustrated. Because I have been trying to post comments on other blogs and A) I can't read the words to confirm : "I am not a robot", (My eyesight is not that fab - why do they have to do it) B) when think I have it correct I get the "it will be visible once published" I can't see it visible at all. Maybe I have done something wrong.
For all those that read my blog, thank you, thank you.
Honestly, I want a drink because I am frustrated. Any bloody excuse. The weather is appauling. I have lost my motivation today and just want to hide away. That is what my kids are expecting. To finish off I heard this saying and please foregive me for the language but it is about fear.
1) Fuck Everyone And Run (FEAR)
2) Face Everyone And Recover (FEAR)
Let you know soon which way I am going.
For all those that read my blog, thank you, thank you.
Honestly, I want a drink because I am frustrated. Any bloody excuse. The weather is appauling. I have lost my motivation today and just want to hide away. That is what my kids are expecting. To finish off I heard this saying and please foregive me for the language but it is about fear.
1) Fuck Everyone And Run (FEAR)
2) Face Everyone And Recover (FEAR)
Let you know soon which way I am going.
Wednesday July 2014
It is 11.09am and it is freezing and bleak.
Yesterday was great. I ended up having a long conversation with my mum and going for a 12k walk with my lovely ex nanny. Yes 12ks, 12ks - 12ks is a long way and it took us around 2 hours for a toilet and coffee stop. I am sore today but it is nice sore. It is not like I was drunk and fell over and bruised my body (for a change) , this was great. I have done something positive and even though I am sore I am keen to do other things. When I got back from my walk we had my middle child friend dying her hair. The friend had told her mother that I was "an expert" I almost wet my pants laughing. I dyed my youngest daughter hair and did not read the box properly and although it is all even and lovely, it is a bloody permanent colour. My hairdresser just about shot me! I am never. never, dying hair again :). Upshot is that now , I have hair dye stains in my bathroom. Not bad, but still annoying. Have I lost the plot? No, I have not - (what is wrong with me?)
My "angels" plus an extra are still asleep. Last holidays I would have been so angry but today I think "don't sweat small stuff" - my dad always used to say that. Enjoy the peace and the serenity.
On my walk yesterday, it was a bit "awkward". I was walking with my lovely ex nanny that I will call "Y" from now on (too much typing otherwise) and we walked passed a service station on the same side of the road as my brother. He had just pulled up and got out of his truck. I don't want to cause any drama or be uncomfortable but I freaked out and said ""Y" "I don't want to see him, I don't think it is a good idea". We took a detour around the back of the service station. I felt gutless not facing up to him but I don't think it would have worked out well and certainly would have been counter-productive (on my part anyway). It makes me sad but at the "end of the day" I can't force forgiveness on his part and I am trying to get over the resentment I have about him (or his wife) calling the police on me which may or may not result in another criminal conviction but will certainly result in about $5,000 in lawyers fees that we don't have! It would not have happened if I was not so determined to "make him accept my apology". I was trying to control the situation and it meant I fell flat on my face and who lost overall? My kids, mum, and hubby. No mother wants her children to have animosity between them .I think , in some ways, since dad died we have drifted apart. Definitely, since my brother remarried and had his 4th child. Not his fault, not his wife's fault, it is just "life on life's terms" On a positive note, I am so proud of mum because she has become so much more confident. When dad died, she struggled with basics like writing out a cheque, paying with a debit card, using the electronic machines. It was all very foreign as dad did that. Now, she is organising her own investments, paying her bills on-line and challenging people/organisations for answers rather than being complacent. Go mum. :).
Check in later :)
Yesterday was great. I ended up having a long conversation with my mum and going for a 12k walk with my lovely ex nanny. Yes 12ks, 12ks - 12ks is a long way and it took us around 2 hours for a toilet and coffee stop. I am sore today but it is nice sore. It is not like I was drunk and fell over and bruised my body (for a change) , this was great. I have done something positive and even though I am sore I am keen to do other things. When I got back from my walk we had my middle child friend dying her hair. The friend had told her mother that I was "an expert" I almost wet my pants laughing. I dyed my youngest daughter hair and did not read the box properly and although it is all even and lovely, it is a bloody permanent colour. My hairdresser just about shot me! I am never. never, dying hair again :). Upshot is that now , I have hair dye stains in my bathroom. Not bad, but still annoying. Have I lost the plot? No, I have not - (what is wrong with me?)
My "angels" plus an extra are still asleep. Last holidays I would have been so angry but today I think "don't sweat small stuff" - my dad always used to say that. Enjoy the peace and the serenity.
On my walk yesterday, it was a bit "awkward". I was walking with my lovely ex nanny that I will call "Y" from now on (too much typing otherwise) and we walked passed a service station on the same side of the road as my brother. He had just pulled up and got out of his truck. I don't want to cause any drama or be uncomfortable but I freaked out and said ""Y" "I don't want to see him, I don't think it is a good idea". We took a detour around the back of the service station. I felt gutless not facing up to him but I don't think it would have worked out well and certainly would have been counter-productive (on my part anyway). It makes me sad but at the "end of the day" I can't force forgiveness on his part and I am trying to get over the resentment I have about him (or his wife) calling the police on me which may or may not result in another criminal conviction but will certainly result in about $5,000 in lawyers fees that we don't have! It would not have happened if I was not so determined to "make him accept my apology". I was trying to control the situation and it meant I fell flat on my face and who lost overall? My kids, mum, and hubby. No mother wants her children to have animosity between them .I think , in some ways, since dad died we have drifted apart. Definitely, since my brother remarried and had his 4th child. Not his fault, not his wife's fault, it is just "life on life's terms" On a positive note, I am so proud of mum because she has become so much more confident. When dad died, she struggled with basics like writing out a cheque, paying with a debit card, using the electronic machines. It was all very foreign as dad did that. Now, she is organising her own investments, paying her bills on-line and challenging people/organisations for answers rather than being complacent. Go mum. :).
Check in later :)
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