How to start this post.
Grrrrr fucken Grrrrrr F F F F - Get the idea that I am little peeved?
Ok, I have had my bubble burst. I was so keen to get myself "up and running" again I proposed an Ad in the local rag. I was proud of the Ad, I got mum to have an honest opinion and had her comments on board. I submitted the Ad and it was great but just pay $150+. I can't afford that and now I feel stupid because me being an Accountant in my previous life knows that - Advertising is the key". We don't have the cash, the credit or anything and I am once again feeling like I have let everyone down. I even got a rejection today from a "bookkeeping" firm to say "They could not take on qualified accountants and would not (WOULD NOT) take anyone on who would make them embarrassed. Fair enough I say. But how do I reinvent myself without making a "dick" (or more of a dick) of myself. Do I need to relocate?
Thursday 18 September 2014
Wednesday 17 September 2014
Wednesday, 17th September 2014. Spring has definitely sprung!
I love spring. I love the light mornings and the warmer days but still the crisp evenings so that you can sleep well, I love the spring flowers, the birds singing and the smell of freshly cut grass. I am loving it even more because I a not drinking my way through spring. I am enjoying each day as it comes. Some are good days and some are not so good but, that is life, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint and I have had the odd drink in the last couple of weeks but nothing to the extent I was drinking. I really don't want to drink at all so I need to be vigilant to put things in front of that bloody bottle.
I have been a bit low about the work situation (or lack of) because I hate having to watch our pennies. Not that we were extravagant necessarily but we could normally afford to take the kids somewhere out of the country for a couple weeks a year. They are very fortunate as they have been to OZ quite a lot, England, France and USA. They don't actually realise how lucky they have been as I never got on an aeroplane until I was 19 and that was a 1 hour domestic flight. Their cousins have not been on a plane at all and the furthest they have travelled is to Auckland. With my lack of income and costs involved in drinking - lawyers, fines, inability to get employment, accidents etc it has really stretched us financially to the point we actually almost rang completely out of cash last month!
I have applied for a number of jobs and have been fortunate to get to the "interview stage" and have quite often been second choice. Second choice is great but does not get you the job. Some people have suggested perhaps I set up a mobile accounting service and I might investigate doing that but I am a bit embarrassed because of my drinking and I really don't know how much it will affect me getting work but I suppose if I don't try it and I wont have any chance of proving myself. So I have decided to "strike while the iron is hot" and go and put an add in the local rag and see what happens.
I am already feeling more positive and will get out into the garden and perhaps go for a walk.
I have been a bit low about the work situation (or lack of) because I hate having to watch our pennies. Not that we were extravagant necessarily but we could normally afford to take the kids somewhere out of the country for a couple weeks a year. They are very fortunate as they have been to OZ quite a lot, England, France and USA. They don't actually realise how lucky they have been as I never got on an aeroplane until I was 19 and that was a 1 hour domestic flight. Their cousins have not been on a plane at all and the furthest they have travelled is to Auckland. With my lack of income and costs involved in drinking - lawyers, fines, inability to get employment, accidents etc it has really stretched us financially to the point we actually almost rang completely out of cash last month!
I have applied for a number of jobs and have been fortunate to get to the "interview stage" and have quite often been second choice. Second choice is great but does not get you the job. Some people have suggested perhaps I set up a mobile accounting service and I might investigate doing that but I am a bit embarrassed because of my drinking and I really don't know how much it will affect me getting work but I suppose if I don't try it and I wont have any chance of proving myself. So I have decided to "strike while the iron is hot" and go and put an add in the local rag and see what happens.
I am already feeling more positive and will get out into the garden and perhaps go for a walk.
Friday 12 September 2014
Sept 12th 2014 - An anniversary I would rather forget.
Here I am after promising myself that I would blog daily this week only just sitting down at the computer to do so. Friday at 12.25pm What does that indicate about me? I can't follow through?, I get distracted and need to focus on what I need to do.
At 10.30am on Sept 12th 2007 we (mum, brother and hubby and I ) made a hard decision to turn off the life-support for dad as he was "brain-dead" after suffering from a massive heart attack two days earlier. It was a horrible thing to do but it was even worse sitting in ICU in a surreal situation waiting for someone to be pronounced clinically dead. My brother said to me "it sucks just waiting for someone to die".
I was the "soldier, the "rock"". The person who made the decisions seem logical to mum and brother. I found out what mum wanted and dealt with the funeral home, I went through the bank accounts and got mum a EFTPOS card and helped her write a cheque out - she could not cope at the time.. I was so bloody strong my boss at the time asked me "are you human, I have never been to a funeral where the daughter did not cry?". I physically could not cry and I felt as if I let my dad down. Dad hated it when I cried he would say "cheriesee, don't cry the world has too much water it needs sunshine and smiles".
My Nana died (I so adored her) at the age of 95 in a nursing home. She was dads mum. The funeral was sad but, lets face it, she was 95 and had a great life. Mum, dad and I were sitting around the dinning room table after the funeral and dad said "next funeral I go to, I will be in the box". He was, 6 weeks after Nana died dad followed!
A month after dad died my drinking hit the wall. Oh, calm collected sensible me could not cope with the fact that my dad "checked out" at 62. I was angry, so so angry and I used wine to try and swash it down. It worked for a while until I got done for DIC and then lost a job. Two DIC later and four jobs the rest is history.
I have this overwhelming desire to drink and go to the beach and yell and scream.. Will any of that make me feel better? I doubt it - if I drink I will feel remorseful and sick, it I go to the beach and yell and scream I will feel like an idiot. So I am going to make brownies.
The sun is shining and I will make dad proud by not drinking.
At 10.30am on Sept 12th 2007 we (mum, brother and hubby and I ) made a hard decision to turn off the life-support for dad as he was "brain-dead" after suffering from a massive heart attack two days earlier. It was a horrible thing to do but it was even worse sitting in ICU in a surreal situation waiting for someone to be pronounced clinically dead. My brother said to me "it sucks just waiting for someone to die".
I was the "soldier, the "rock"". The person who made the decisions seem logical to mum and brother. I found out what mum wanted and dealt with the funeral home, I went through the bank accounts and got mum a EFTPOS card and helped her write a cheque out - she could not cope at the time.. I was so bloody strong my boss at the time asked me "are you human, I have never been to a funeral where the daughter did not cry?". I physically could not cry and I felt as if I let my dad down. Dad hated it when I cried he would say "cheriesee, don't cry the world has too much water it needs sunshine and smiles".
My Nana died (I so adored her) at the age of 95 in a nursing home. She was dads mum. The funeral was sad but, lets face it, she was 95 and had a great life. Mum, dad and I were sitting around the dinning room table after the funeral and dad said "next funeral I go to, I will be in the box". He was, 6 weeks after Nana died dad followed!
A month after dad died my drinking hit the wall. Oh, calm collected sensible me could not cope with the fact that my dad "checked out" at 62. I was angry, so so angry and I used wine to try and swash it down. It worked for a while until I got done for DIC and then lost a job. Two DIC later and four jobs the rest is history.
I have this overwhelming desire to drink and go to the beach and yell and scream.. Will any of that make me feel better? I doubt it - if I drink I will feel remorseful and sick, it I go to the beach and yell and scream I will feel like an idiot. So I am going to make brownies.
The sun is shining and I will make dad proud by not drinking.
Sunday 7 September 2014
Sunday, 7th September 2014 - Yes I am still aound.
Well it has been quite a busy week for me and a very emotional one as well. I noticed some people asking if I was doing OK. To answer the questions "yes" I am doing OK this week. I have been busy and have taken some time to think about my blogging and how it appears to be affecting some people with my honesty and I have been wondering what to do about that.
When I first set this blog up it was after I watched Mrs D on Sunday and her inspirational story of how she managed to get and stay sober by herself with the help of an online community. I thought that was a great idea for me to document how I was travelling and it is primarily for my purpose. I could always make my blog "private" but I would rather not because my family is following my journey as well as some of my other friends as well as a lot of other people who have given me some encouraging comments and support. There are those who have provoked some deep thought from me out of pure concern which is a good thing. It is always interesting getting comments because you never really know how someone will interpret the things you write. So I have decided that I am going to continue blogging as part of my journey as well as posting on Living Sober as well. I guess that if my blog upsets or concerns people then they chose whether they wish to continue following me or not. I don't deliberately set out to concern people but I need to be really honest with myself if I have any hope of betting this hideous addiction. I will beat it.
When I said the last week was busy I meant that I have deliberately making sure that I am keeping myself busy because September is an emotional month for me. Last week on 4th September would have been my dad's birthday if he was alive. It was the first time that I have got through that particular day without drinking since he passed away 7 years ago. I was extremely proud of myself for managing this year not to be selfish and think that my dad would not want me drunk on his birthday. The last birthday he had was at my place 7 years ago (it co-incided with fathers day). On 10 September (just 6 days after he turned 62) he suffered a massive heart attack and effectively died but was kept alive on life support until 12 September when it was switched off. That is the beginning of my downward drinking career. So, for the first time in 7 years I got through his birthday without drinking and I am going to get through the two days this week without drinking as well.
I have been doing a lot of walking and this helping with keeping my moods stable and I have made a commitment to myself that I will blog every day this coming week to monitor how I am going.
When I first set this blog up it was after I watched Mrs D on Sunday and her inspirational story of how she managed to get and stay sober by herself with the help of an online community. I thought that was a great idea for me to document how I was travelling and it is primarily for my purpose. I could always make my blog "private" but I would rather not because my family is following my journey as well as some of my other friends as well as a lot of other people who have given me some encouraging comments and support. There are those who have provoked some deep thought from me out of pure concern which is a good thing. It is always interesting getting comments because you never really know how someone will interpret the things you write. So I have decided that I am going to continue blogging as part of my journey as well as posting on Living Sober as well. I guess that if my blog upsets or concerns people then they chose whether they wish to continue following me or not. I don't deliberately set out to concern people but I need to be really honest with myself if I have any hope of betting this hideous addiction. I will beat it.
When I said the last week was busy I meant that I have deliberately making sure that I am keeping myself busy because September is an emotional month for me. Last week on 4th September would have been my dad's birthday if he was alive. It was the first time that I have got through that particular day without drinking since he passed away 7 years ago. I was extremely proud of myself for managing this year not to be selfish and think that my dad would not want me drunk on his birthday. The last birthday he had was at my place 7 years ago (it co-incided with fathers day). On 10 September (just 6 days after he turned 62) he suffered a massive heart attack and effectively died but was kept alive on life support until 12 September when it was switched off. That is the beginning of my downward drinking career. So, for the first time in 7 years I got through his birthday without drinking and I am going to get through the two days this week without drinking as well.
I have been doing a lot of walking and this helping with keeping my moods stable and I have made a commitment to myself that I will blog every day this coming week to monitor how I am going.
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