The events of the last couple of weeks have taken a positive toll on me and I have finally been offered and accepted a job. Now that I know how hard it was to get a job I am certainly not going to jeopardise it by drinking and screwing it up. Thankfully, the job is away from any temptation not close to any bars or supermarkets and straight off the motorway in the suburbs. I know that I will be successful this time. I just know it.
I have also spent the last two weeks doing a volunteer work at the local Hospice Shop for one morning a week. I am thrilled that my new job will not take me away from the volunteer work as I will be working 4 days for paid work and one morning volunteering giving me an afternoon to catch up on chores before the weekend. I will be busy, but I need to be because the "not been busy" or not feeling like I had a purpose has fuelled the drinking over the years and the longer I have been out of work the lower my self-esteem went, the less motivated I was and therefore the more I drank.
I am back to day 3 again today but that is Ok. I am confident that I can avoid the dreaded alcohol from now on as it is my only chance to get my career back on track.
Today has been a very productive day with hubby and I and our youngest outside in the garden cleaning up. I was really pleased with my youngest child as she normally slops around the house on the weekend in pjs, watching tv and eating but today she motivated herself and was up and dressed by 10am! Yesterday she decided that should would help me and did some vacuuming and washed the floors and then got inspired and mowed the lawns. She did a great job of everything and I told her how much we appreciated her efforts and how much we enjoyed pottering around with her.
My son also lifted his butt yesterday and helped hubby lay concrete. My middle child has spent most of the weekend away but she is coming home early tomorrow (midday) because it is a public holiday and she has been told she needs to come and chip in as well.
I am actually really surprised because we have not had the normal grumbling and I think that everyone is feeling the positive energy of me finally securing a job. I think it has lifted everyones spirits.
But, and there is a big but, I need to keep focused, not get stressed, live in the moment, not buy into other peoples bullshit and visit my sober cyber community and blog as often as I can and support as many people as I can. I know what I am like that if I get stressed or complacent because that is when I put myself in danger and then get the "Fuck its" and the rest is a disaster.
This is definately a new beginning for me and my family and I feel really positive about it.
xx
Sunday 26 October 2014
Wednesday 15 October 2014
Wednesday, 15th October 2014 - My First Day as a Volunteer :)
It has been a while since I posted and I really need to discipline myself to post more regularly because it is really helpful for me to get everything out of my head.
I was just reading a post by Granny Gets Sober and I had to laugh because she mentioned how her brain has "Mexican Stand off's" at regular intervals. I can so relate to that where one part of my brain is saying "drink" and the other part is saying "don't". Unfortunately the side that says "drink" tends to win more often than not but not today.
I decided a few weeks back that my brain is rotting. Not just because of alcohol but also because of lack of stimulation and adult company so I decided to phone up the local hospice and see if I could help in any way. They were delighted but I was very open and honest with them about my drinking issue. I specifically said that I did not want to be around or know about any alcohol because it would be too tempting. They have alcohol on site because if the patients want "a whiskey with breakfast" they get to have it no questions asked.
They decided that I would be a good person to work at the Hospice Shop which sells good quality (and I mean good quality) second hand goods. Mostly clothes but very well cared for ones. I have just spent my first morning there today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The work was menial - pricing and folding clothes and linen - but the ladies (mostly all volunteers) are lovely and I felt very welcome and for once I felt young again. I was the baby and I am pushing 49! Today gave me some much needed enrichment into my life and a purpose. I even went out yesterday afternoon a bought a couple of tops and a pair of shoes. I wore one of the tops, the shoes and some make-up and I felt like a brand new women. No alcohol for me today - I haven't even thought of it and I have been to the supermarket. I feel I am in a different "head-space" today.
I managed to be present for my 15 year old daughter today who rang me in tears to say that one of her friend hung himself on Monday night! This was a big shock to her as he had only just turned 15 himself. She rang me when I was volunteering to ask if she could join in with another 3 kids and go and see he body and say goodbye. At first I was reluctant because everyone I know finds it very upsetting to see a dead body and especially one that had his whole life in front of him. The school gave them some time off and has offered counselling if needbe. They caught the bus over to his house (he is at home and not in a funeral parlour) and I texted to say that I would come and pick therm up. I am really pleased I did because they appeared to really appreciate it and it gave them some time to compose themselves before heading back to school. If I was drinking today there would be no way that I would of offered to go and pick them up as I would have been too self - centred and wouldn't care less. I am planning just to be there for my daughter tonight to listen to her if she wants to tell me about her feelings and how she coped with seeing a friend so young dead. I am hoping that she wont go and cut herself as that appears to be the way she copes. Unfortunately, that leaves physical obvious scares which she will have for life.
All I know is that today I am grateful to be alive and thankful that I am not a parent of the boy who hung himself. That would be absolutely devastating to lose a child and especially to suicide.
Today is a good day to be alive.
I was just reading a post by Granny Gets Sober and I had to laugh because she mentioned how her brain has "Mexican Stand off's" at regular intervals. I can so relate to that where one part of my brain is saying "drink" and the other part is saying "don't". Unfortunately the side that says "drink" tends to win more often than not but not today.
I decided a few weeks back that my brain is rotting. Not just because of alcohol but also because of lack of stimulation and adult company so I decided to phone up the local hospice and see if I could help in any way. They were delighted but I was very open and honest with them about my drinking issue. I specifically said that I did not want to be around or know about any alcohol because it would be too tempting. They have alcohol on site because if the patients want "a whiskey with breakfast" they get to have it no questions asked.
They decided that I would be a good person to work at the Hospice Shop which sells good quality (and I mean good quality) second hand goods. Mostly clothes but very well cared for ones. I have just spent my first morning there today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The work was menial - pricing and folding clothes and linen - but the ladies (mostly all volunteers) are lovely and I felt very welcome and for once I felt young again. I was the baby and I am pushing 49! Today gave me some much needed enrichment into my life and a purpose. I even went out yesterday afternoon a bought a couple of tops and a pair of shoes. I wore one of the tops, the shoes and some make-up and I felt like a brand new women. No alcohol for me today - I haven't even thought of it and I have been to the supermarket. I feel I am in a different "head-space" today.
I managed to be present for my 15 year old daughter today who rang me in tears to say that one of her friend hung himself on Monday night! This was a big shock to her as he had only just turned 15 himself. She rang me when I was volunteering to ask if she could join in with another 3 kids and go and see he body and say goodbye. At first I was reluctant because everyone I know finds it very upsetting to see a dead body and especially one that had his whole life in front of him. The school gave them some time off and has offered counselling if needbe. They caught the bus over to his house (he is at home and not in a funeral parlour) and I texted to say that I would come and pick therm up. I am really pleased I did because they appeared to really appreciate it and it gave them some time to compose themselves before heading back to school. If I was drinking today there would be no way that I would of offered to go and pick them up as I would have been too self - centred and wouldn't care less. I am planning just to be there for my daughter tonight to listen to her if she wants to tell me about her feelings and how she coped with seeing a friend so young dead. I am hoping that she wont go and cut herself as that appears to be the way she copes. Unfortunately, that leaves physical obvious scares which she will have for life.
All I know is that today I am grateful to be alive and thankful that I am not a parent of the boy who hung himself. That would be absolutely devastating to lose a child and especially to suicide.
Today is a good day to be alive.
Monday 6 October 2014
I am alive - just and I mean just.
Today is Monday 6th October 2014 and I am grateful to be here.
Alcohol almost took my life combined with sleeping pills. I am only alive because I rang the ambulance to say that I overdosed. I must not have really wanted to die. A very close call.
Those of you who get upset about my posts don't read on and please don't comment. I am warning you now the rest of my post will be upsetting as it is to me. I am only posting because I need to offload and refocus.
On Friday 26th September 2014 I went to the GP for a normal checkup and to get my normal meds. We had a discussion about how much progress I have made in the last couple of years with my attitude toward drinking and it was all positive. We decided that I should come off one of my normal meds (for anxiety) and doctor said "you will not sleep for a couple of days so I will give you some sleeping tablets but YOU MUST NOT DRINK WITH THEM". That was great, I was in a positive frame of mind and went to the chemist and got the script filled. The day turned to custard - middle child sleeping around and having unprotected sex with a possibility of having a STD. I used any excuse but the gist of it is that I decided to drink and take the meds and ended up in ICU.
I called the ambulance because I realised that I had taken pills with alcohol. Woke up in ICU but my poor family were traumatized. Things not been the same since.
Anyway, aside from all the drama I am pleased to be alive and take life on lifes terms.
Alcohol almost took my life combined with sleeping pills. I am only alive because I rang the ambulance to say that I overdosed. I must not have really wanted to die. A very close call.
Those of you who get upset about my posts don't read on and please don't comment. I am warning you now the rest of my post will be upsetting as it is to me. I am only posting because I need to offload and refocus.
On Friday 26th September 2014 I went to the GP for a normal checkup and to get my normal meds. We had a discussion about how much progress I have made in the last couple of years with my attitude toward drinking and it was all positive. We decided that I should come off one of my normal meds (for anxiety) and doctor said "you will not sleep for a couple of days so I will give you some sleeping tablets but YOU MUST NOT DRINK WITH THEM". That was great, I was in a positive frame of mind and went to the chemist and got the script filled. The day turned to custard - middle child sleeping around and having unprotected sex with a possibility of having a STD. I used any excuse but the gist of it is that I decided to drink and take the meds and ended up in ICU.
I called the ambulance because I realised that I had taken pills with alcohol. Woke up in ICU but my poor family were traumatized. Things not been the same since.
Anyway, aside from all the drama I am pleased to be alive and take life on lifes terms.
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