Well, well, well here I am at day 6! I really can't believe I have actually been sober 6 days. It is a bloody miracle and it is all thanks to all the great blogs I am reading and the support I am getting from my blog.
I have not been 6 days sober for months. I have thought about drinking and I have even bought a bottle of wine. A funny story really. On Monday, I bought a bottle of wine just because- I did. I had it hidden in the laundry basket to take it upstairs to do what I normally do. Hide and drink and drink and hide. Hubby comes home early - bastard - why can't he just stay at work until I have had my drink - me thinks. Anyway, his trousers came down at the hem so he comes upstairs to put some jeans on so we (the royal "we" whoops did he mean me?) can fix them. He offers to help fold up the washing. Bugger, bugger I think. The bloody wine bottle is there and the last thing I want him to do is to find it and tip it out! So I hover around and he hovers around. He is not silly and he knows by my behaviour that there must be a wine bottle somewhere. I had not had a drink - which again was a bloody miracle because it was 5.30pm! Anyway, eventually I think I better go downstairs and sort out dinner and hold my breath because I was going to get a lecture. He comes down about 5 minutes later and pretends he has not found it. Screwing with my head I thought!! The facade continues through the night with the only real giveaway that he has found it is that several times he will come and hug and kiss me and say "you have done well today, don't fuck it up". This confirms that he has found it but not going to tackle me about it. This is not normal behaviour!
I spend the evening downstairs doing dinner, ironing and watching tv and do not touch this wine bottle. I am so proud of myself because I know it is there but I don't even open it to smell the wine.
Off to bed we go around 11pm. I read my book until around midnight and the wine is still not open. I have, by this time, moved it to behind my dressing table. I go to sleep happy. I wake up (sort-of) around 3am when hubby takes the dogs out to the toilet and see him looking behind my dressing table to see if the wine is still unopened. It is. I go back to sleep with a smirk on my face.
Come Tuesday, hubby goes to work as normal and the wine is still there unopened. So what did I do with it? I got my son to tip it out because if I open the wine and even sniff it I will drink it. So, Tuesday was a great day because my son and I went out together for a couple of hours. He actually wanted to spend time with me.! We went to the Zoo (he is 17 and has always had a love of animals and wants to be a zookeeper) and it was bloody freezing and windy but I was grateful he wanted to spend time with me.
Hubby got home amd we had a bit of banter about the fact that he found the wine and I knew he knew and he knew that I knew. Confused? But the best part was that he did not make a fuss about it and I arranged for it to be tipped out. Normally, hubby would make a fuss and I would think "fuck you" I am going to drink it. But I didn't.
Last night was Wednesday and I had a horrible day with my youngest. I think if you read my blog from last Wednesday you will find it it "ground-hog day". She stayed home from school because she was tired and blamed me. Why not? I am a good scape goat! Ignore, ignore, ignore my mum says. But I got angry because her friends arrived after school to see if she was ok (there was nothing wrong with her) and she fed them ice-cream and cake and whatever. I lost the plot - It might sound pathetic but I don't think I should feed all and sundry when my daughter won't even go to school. I did not make a scene (what is wrong with me?) I did convey my displeasure.
What I didn't do was drink, instead I made her do some cleaning - not just easy stuff. I made her clean the skylignts and windows around them. She did it and with grace.
Today is Thursday and my day is shit. I have had ntoification from the school that my middle child is going to be kicked out because of non-attendacnce. We have tried and tried to get her to attend school but she uses me as ane excuse. I want a drink to drown it awya but I think I will go and lie down and read a book at swithch off.
Later :)
Thursday 31 July 2014
Monday 28 July 2014
Monday 28 July 2014
Hello all. Yes I made it through a Monday with no drinking. I am sober . Yay me :-)).This is the first Monday for a few weeks that I have managed to stay sober.
I went to mum's for lunch for the first time by myself for months. I was on trust that I would not drink and drive. I didn't and she was thrilled. I did a couple of chores for her and came back to a very relieved son that I hadn't been drinking. I then did things like I would expect a normal stay at home mum would do. Washing, vacuuming, baking and being sober when my youngest arrived home with a couple of friends. She gave me s bug hug when they left and said thanks for being sober today. I then went picked up my middle child and took her for an overdue blood test. She was thrilled I was sober and I had some fun with her. Cooked a lovely roast and hubby was relieved that he came home to a sober wife. That's a rare occurrence on a Monday. Watched tv and just came upstairs to do this. I am chuffed with myself and although 3 days sober is nothing it is a big achievement for me.
Cherie xx
I went to mum's for lunch for the first time by myself for months. I was on trust that I would not drink and drive. I didn't and she was thrilled. I did a couple of chores for her and came back to a very relieved son that I hadn't been drinking. I then did things like I would expect a normal stay at home mum would do. Washing, vacuuming, baking and being sober when my youngest arrived home with a couple of friends. She gave me s bug hug when they left and said thanks for being sober today. I then went picked up my middle child and took her for an overdue blood test. She was thrilled I was sober and I had some fun with her. Cooked a lovely roast and hubby was relieved that he came home to a sober wife. That's a rare occurrence on a Monday. Watched tv and just came upstairs to do this. I am chuffed with myself and although 3 days sober is nothing it is a big achievement for me.
Cherie xx
Sunday 27 July 2014
Sunday, 27th July 2014
Well it is Sunday evening and I am back to day 2 today and I am determined that tomorrow (Monday) will be a sober day and day 3. I know I can do it because every weekend I don't have any desire to drink as I have mentioned in my earlier posts. I have planned my day quite carefully tomorrow and I am hoping that will help me through the day. As the saying goes "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". I have not been planning my days during the week and just letting things happen and keeping myself in a rut. Not tomorrow.
I was just reading Mrs D's post and "yes" I believe she has started a revolution and a community of people at different stages in sobriety who are now supporting each other. It is inspirational to see the comments and the interactions on her blog and I will definitely be signing up to the website because although, I have been having ups and downs I feel that generally I am in a better place than what I would have been without it. For me, the only reason I started this blog was seeing Mrs D on TV and hearing about how she used blogging to get sober. I then spent time reading through her blog and discovered that there are so many of us out there and we really can help each other and support each other when times get tough. I have been helped and supported in the last month I have writing this blog by so many lovely people. The thing I find about this sort of community, like AA in a way, is that if you "slip-up" and OMG I am the queen of slip-ups, I do not feel judged. I feel encouraged to get back and try again and focus on the goal of staying sober. On, the other hand I am not using that is an excuse to drink - I can find any number of excuses - Happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, lonely, tired and stressed and whatever else comes to mind to justify my drinking for the day.
It was an interesting day today and it just proves to me that I can be a normal parent and can get respect -
WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING. We had quite a productive family working day. I even managed to 'put my foot down" and get the kids to do some chores. They moaned and my son abused me but he still mowed the lawns and did a good job. I had my middle girl clean all the mould off the windows in the downstairs part of the house (we have a big house) which took her about an hour and half. and to my surprise she happily did it! I picked her up from a friends house at midday and announced that since she is away all the time and gets money for doing nothing she can do the windows this afternoon. My husband and I took my mum out for a couple of hours and I was expecting that the chores would not be done but she had them done and had done a really good job. My youngest had the job of cleaning all the mirrors in the house and the internal french doors. She did a good job of that too. Mum said to me "see Cherie, look how much more respect you have from the kids on the days that you don't drink, they may moan and groan (my son did) but they will do it. They won't do anything for you when you have been drinking". How very true that it.
I was reading a blog of a lovely lady the other day who's father has passed after a long battle with alcoholism. It appears it affected his brain in the end and it is such a waste of a life. That was a stark reminder to me that if I continue to drink I may end up with a :wet brain"! Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. One died sober after 20 years of good sobriety and started some AA meetings in the area he lived in. The other unfortunately died in mental hospital of :wet brain". I have an auntie on mum's side and an uncle on dad's side who also died from the affects of alcohol. It is such a waste. The problem with this disease is it will kill you if you let it but I have a choice.
Mrs D said in her post that it is about training your brain that alcohol is not like bread and milk even though it is sold at the supermarket. I thought that was a great comparison and I am now telling myself something very simple that I saw the other day on a blog - I do not drink. I have been telling myself that and I have set up a reminder on my phone that says I do not drink.
Here's hoping for a good day tomorrow. :)
Cherie xx
I was just reading Mrs D's post and "yes" I believe she has started a revolution and a community of people at different stages in sobriety who are now supporting each other. It is inspirational to see the comments and the interactions on her blog and I will definitely be signing up to the website because although, I have been having ups and downs I feel that generally I am in a better place than what I would have been without it. For me, the only reason I started this blog was seeing Mrs D on TV and hearing about how she used blogging to get sober. I then spent time reading through her blog and discovered that there are so many of us out there and we really can help each other and support each other when times get tough. I have been helped and supported in the last month I have writing this blog by so many lovely people. The thing I find about this sort of community, like AA in a way, is that if you "slip-up" and OMG I am the queen of slip-ups, I do not feel judged. I feel encouraged to get back and try again and focus on the goal of staying sober. On, the other hand I am not using that is an excuse to drink - I can find any number of excuses - Happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, lonely, tired and stressed and whatever else comes to mind to justify my drinking for the day.
It was an interesting day today and it just proves to me that I can be a normal parent and can get respect -
WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING. We had quite a productive family working day. I even managed to 'put my foot down" and get the kids to do some chores. They moaned and my son abused me but he still mowed the lawns and did a good job. I had my middle girl clean all the mould off the windows in the downstairs part of the house (we have a big house) which took her about an hour and half. and to my surprise she happily did it! I picked her up from a friends house at midday and announced that since she is away all the time and gets money for doing nothing she can do the windows this afternoon. My husband and I took my mum out for a couple of hours and I was expecting that the chores would not be done but she had them done and had done a really good job. My youngest had the job of cleaning all the mirrors in the house and the internal french doors. She did a good job of that too. Mum said to me "see Cherie, look how much more respect you have from the kids on the days that you don't drink, they may moan and groan (my son did) but they will do it. They won't do anything for you when you have been drinking". How very true that it.
I was reading a blog of a lovely lady the other day who's father has passed after a long battle with alcoholism. It appears it affected his brain in the end and it is such a waste of a life. That was a stark reminder to me that if I continue to drink I may end up with a :wet brain"! Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. One died sober after 20 years of good sobriety and started some AA meetings in the area he lived in. The other unfortunately died in mental hospital of :wet brain". I have an auntie on mum's side and an uncle on dad's side who also died from the affects of alcohol. It is such a waste. The problem with this disease is it will kill you if you let it but I have a choice.
Mrs D said in her post that it is about training your brain that alcohol is not like bread and milk even though it is sold at the supermarket. I thought that was a great comparison and I am now telling myself something very simple that I saw the other day on a blog - I do not drink. I have been telling myself that and I have set up a reminder on my phone that says I do not drink.
Here's hoping for a good day tomorrow. :)
Cherie xx
Friday 25 July 2014
Friday, 25th July 2014 - A big sorry and a positive day.
Firstly I am so sorry that something I wrote yesterday was accidentally published. I have since deleted the post but I want to thank all of you who contacted me either by leaving comments or by emailing me and I am sorry if I caused you any stress. I really wrote that for my benefit so I could look at in when I was calm and see how stupid I was. I would never go through with anything as I know that my family would be scared for life and what legacy would that leave? A coward who had taken the easy way out. That is what I feel.
Anyway, now that I have cleared my inbox and tried to waylay fears I thought I would write a positive blog today so that all you lovely people who are supporting me can see that I am grateful to be alive and in good health. I am so grateful for all the positive support and love I get from my cyber friends.
Gratitude is something that I often forget to have. I don't need to necessarily be grateful for big things but it is the small things that count. Quite often in AA meetings people talk about making a gratitude list. I have done that this morning because I know that I have got myself into a rut this week. Mum just spoke to me on the phone for a good 30 minutes talking to me about this rut I am in. She is so wise - aren't mothers great? (I wish I felt like a great mother but I am what I am - a work in progress).
Anyway, she said that what I need to do is focus on having a good day and do things for "me" and me only. I have done my job this morning and got the girls off to school, a bit late, but they are now not my problem for a few hours. Mum said "you are in a rut and you are buying into crap and letting it dictate your day, you seem to have no way out because you won't let a door open in your head and let the bullshit go" How true. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, I wonder how to do this! So today I started a gratitude list and so far I have put the basics on, here is some of the things I have come up with:
This is just the beginning and I will add to it as the days progress. It gives me "food for thought". I suffer from a destructive disease that wants me to believe that I am a bad person, wants me to loathe myself, wants me to sacrifice myself and my family just for a bloody drink. Piss off I say. Piss off today and forever.
In some stuff I have been reading and know, there are comments about this disease. Bascially, if I had cancer then no-one would be angry or disgusted with me, they would be supportive (I am talking about people who don't live with alcoholism) but with me when I drink people are disgusted and angry with me and a lot of the time they are let down because of the promises I make that never work out. I am angry with me.
Today is going to be a good day!
Thank you to all my cyber friends I am returning you all lots of love and hugs. I can't repay you enough.
Catch up later.
Cherie xx
Anyway, now that I have cleared my inbox and tried to waylay fears I thought I would write a positive blog today so that all you lovely people who are supporting me can see that I am grateful to be alive and in good health. I am so grateful for all the positive support and love I get from my cyber friends.
Gratitude is something that I often forget to have. I don't need to necessarily be grateful for big things but it is the small things that count. Quite often in AA meetings people talk about making a gratitude list. I have done that this morning because I know that I have got myself into a rut this week. Mum just spoke to me on the phone for a good 30 minutes talking to me about this rut I am in. She is so wise - aren't mothers great? (I wish I felt like a great mother but I am what I am - a work in progress).
Anyway, she said that what I need to do is focus on having a good day and do things for "me" and me only. I have done my job this morning and got the girls off to school, a bit late, but they are now not my problem for a few hours. Mum said "you are in a rut and you are buying into crap and letting it dictate your day, you seem to have no way out because you won't let a door open in your head and let the bullshit go" How true. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, I wonder how to do this! So today I started a gratitude list and so far I have put the basics on, here is some of the things I have come up with:
- I am alive and the sun is shining.
- I don't have any real medical problems.
- I have food, clothes and shelter.
- I am loved (I am told I am loved all the time by my husband)
- I have children who are great and caring (they can be difficult but they are children)
- I have dogs that love me unconditionally.
- I have mum who is such a strong and supportive women who has lots of struggles of her own but always is there to support and advise.
- I have people who generally care about my wellbeing - that is obvious from the comments I have had. Through this blog and AA and other support networks.
- I am a qualified accountant and although I am not working at present it is only temporary and I can get my career back as I am only 48 and still have about 18 years of useful working life in me.
This is just the beginning and I will add to it as the days progress. It gives me "food for thought". I suffer from a destructive disease that wants me to believe that I am a bad person, wants me to loathe myself, wants me to sacrifice myself and my family just for a bloody drink. Piss off I say. Piss off today and forever.
In some stuff I have been reading and know, there are comments about this disease. Bascially, if I had cancer then no-one would be angry or disgusted with me, they would be supportive (I am talking about people who don't live with alcoholism) but with me when I drink people are disgusted and angry with me and a lot of the time they are let down because of the promises I make that never work out. I am angry with me.
Today is going to be a good day!
Thank you to all my cyber friends I am returning you all lots of love and hugs. I can't repay you enough.
Catch up later.
Cherie xx
Thursday 24 July 2014
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Back to day 1 AGAIN. :(
Honestly, the last two days have been horrible and I have not coped and what did I do? I did what I always do and picked up a drink to block it out! Could I have done something different? YES - write my blog and offload, call a friend, go for a walk or anything just don't pick up a drink! Did it solve anything or change anything? NO. Are the same issues still here today but personified because of the impact of alcohol? YES. I know all this and this is the insanity, the fact that my alcoholic brain says "Go on Cherie, this time it will be different?" Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks says my sensible brain. Why on earth do I give into my alcoholic brain? Is it because it is purely a habit or am I just a weak person?
I am so angry with myself but I find that chastising myself ends up carrying the cycle on! I am certainly not going to pat myself on the back but somehow I need to motivate myself to get me out of this horrendous cycle.
After my post on Tuesday I let my daughter win by picking up a drink. Yes, I stupidly played right into her hands and she was basking in the glory of bringing me down. What did I prove to her (and myself)? That I am a drunk with no backbone to stand up and be the adult and not take her crap on board! Good job Cherie - great role model!!
We also had some not so good news on Tuesday. My husband and I have a minute shareholding in the firm he works for. He is an executive amongst many other executives. Well, he has been told that he has to relinquish half of his shareholding because he has not been performing at the level expected of an executive. Bastards. He is in the office at 7.30am everyday and does a few hours work at home as well. The upshot of this is that because he has refused to travel (he is supposed to travel overseas and nationally pretty regularly) because of his unpredictable alcoholic wife and has been coming home "at a drop of the hat" when the kids phone and say "mum's drunk" even if I am not drunk, that he has significantly damaged his reputation, I feel so quilty and sick to the stomach because he worked so hard to get to that level. Alcohol has taken my career and now we are seeing the physcial and financial impacts on his. He does not blame me but made it clear that my drinking has certainly impacted him.
Great, we get the money back for the shares at a slightly higher price then we paid for them - whoopee- but off course, long term, we no longer get any dividends on these shares. He says he is lucky as some people have been told to reliquish all of their shares! I should be grateful.
So, what can I do about this situation? Nothing is the answer because I cannot not control the decision and it has already been made. So, what can I do to make sure that next year he is offered his shares back rather than told to relinquish the remainder of his shares? I know, stop drinking!!!! Simple isn't it! So why, for an intelligent (I am wondering if I am intelligent at all), determined (bloody determined to ruin) women do I just not get on and do this. Am I happy the way I am? NO I am bloody miserable.
I hate being stuck at home and I hate that I have got fat and I hate that I can't seem to get a job. It is all because of alcohol so I need to hate that.
Sorry for the angry blog but I feel better now. The last thing I want to do is to drink today too.
Honestly, the last two days have been horrible and I have not coped and what did I do? I did what I always do and picked up a drink to block it out! Could I have done something different? YES - write my blog and offload, call a friend, go for a walk or anything just don't pick up a drink! Did it solve anything or change anything? NO. Are the same issues still here today but personified because of the impact of alcohol? YES. I know all this and this is the insanity, the fact that my alcoholic brain says "Go on Cherie, this time it will be different?" Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks says my sensible brain. Why on earth do I give into my alcoholic brain? Is it because it is purely a habit or am I just a weak person?
I am so angry with myself but I find that chastising myself ends up carrying the cycle on! I am certainly not going to pat myself on the back but somehow I need to motivate myself to get me out of this horrendous cycle.
After my post on Tuesday I let my daughter win by picking up a drink. Yes, I stupidly played right into her hands and she was basking in the glory of bringing me down. What did I prove to her (and myself)? That I am a drunk with no backbone to stand up and be the adult and not take her crap on board! Good job Cherie - great role model!!
We also had some not so good news on Tuesday. My husband and I have a minute shareholding in the firm he works for. He is an executive amongst many other executives. Well, he has been told that he has to relinquish half of his shareholding because he has not been performing at the level expected of an executive. Bastards. He is in the office at 7.30am everyday and does a few hours work at home as well. The upshot of this is that because he has refused to travel (he is supposed to travel overseas and nationally pretty regularly) because of his unpredictable alcoholic wife and has been coming home "at a drop of the hat" when the kids phone and say "mum's drunk" even if I am not drunk, that he has significantly damaged his reputation, I feel so quilty and sick to the stomach because he worked so hard to get to that level. Alcohol has taken my career and now we are seeing the physcial and financial impacts on his. He does not blame me but made it clear that my drinking has certainly impacted him.
Great, we get the money back for the shares at a slightly higher price then we paid for them - whoopee- but off course, long term, we no longer get any dividends on these shares. He says he is lucky as some people have been told to reliquish all of their shares! I should be grateful.
So, what can I do about this situation? Nothing is the answer because I cannot not control the decision and it has already been made. So, what can I do to make sure that next year he is offered his shares back rather than told to relinquish the remainder of his shares? I know, stop drinking!!!! Simple isn't it! So why, for an intelligent (I am wondering if I am intelligent at all), determined (bloody determined to ruin) women do I just not get on and do this. Am I happy the way I am? NO I am bloody miserable.
I hate being stuck at home and I hate that I have got fat and I hate that I can't seem to get a job. It is all because of alcohol so I need to hate that.
Sorry for the angry blog but I feel better now. The last thing I want to do is to drink today too.
Tuesday 22 July 2014
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
The time is 11.19am and I am trying to keep calm. I can feel the anger inside building up but I am determined to push through it.
Why am I angry? Well, it is day 2 of the new school term and my youngest has flatly refused (and I mean refused) to get up and go to school because she is tired. Boo Hoo. I have no sympathy because her sleeping pattern is out of whack because she would not go to bed at a reasonable time and then would sleep until 1pm. I knew that the kids sleeping late would end up biting me on the bum and it has today. So anyway, I tried the nicey nicey, I tried the wet flannel, I tried the bribery, I tried the guilt trip and nothing worked. All she said to me was (excuse language) "fuck off mum and go and get drunk because that is all you are good for". God that hurt!! What have I done? Not get drunk for a start and I am patting myself on the back for that but it is only early in the day. I just need to push through until 6pm and then I will be good. I need to tell myself two things 1) I don't need a drink and 2) don't let her win by drinking. I am giving her the ice treatment because she is waiting for my attention. I have not made her any food or intend to , I am only speaking when spoken to and the answers are very abrupt. I have not rung the school to make excuses for her and as far as I am concerned she can suffer the consequences.Go me :).
I hope I keep strong because in my post yesterday I mentioned about over- compensating. I so want to encourage her and I have tried but not been successful. I think best course of action is to ignore, ignore, ignore and not make it my problem. The thing is that it becomes my problem. Just this minute when I was tyrping this blog I got a text from school to say she was not there. I have responded by telling them to "mark her as truant and refer to the Dean". I feel mean doing that but my children have no idea about the real world. They think that they can do whatever they want, when they want and to whom they want and there will be no consequences. She is not happy that I am not ringing her in sick and has just come back to me and said that if I don't call her in she will say that I was drunk and couldn't. Whatever - Grrr.
Later
Why am I angry? Well, it is day 2 of the new school term and my youngest has flatly refused (and I mean refused) to get up and go to school because she is tired. Boo Hoo. I have no sympathy because her sleeping pattern is out of whack because she would not go to bed at a reasonable time and then would sleep until 1pm. I knew that the kids sleeping late would end up biting me on the bum and it has today. So anyway, I tried the nicey nicey, I tried the wet flannel, I tried the bribery, I tried the guilt trip and nothing worked. All she said to me was (excuse language) "fuck off mum and go and get drunk because that is all you are good for". God that hurt!! What have I done? Not get drunk for a start and I am patting myself on the back for that but it is only early in the day. I just need to push through until 6pm and then I will be good. I need to tell myself two things 1) I don't need a drink and 2) don't let her win by drinking. I am giving her the ice treatment because she is waiting for my attention. I have not made her any food or intend to , I am only speaking when spoken to and the answers are very abrupt. I have not rung the school to make excuses for her and as far as I am concerned she can suffer the consequences.Go me :).
I hope I keep strong because in my post yesterday I mentioned about over- compensating. I so want to encourage her and I have tried but not been successful. I think best course of action is to ignore, ignore, ignore and not make it my problem. The thing is that it becomes my problem. Just this minute when I was tyrping this blog I got a text from school to say she was not there. I have responded by telling them to "mark her as truant and refer to the Dean". I feel mean doing that but my children have no idea about the real world. They think that they can do whatever they want, when they want and to whom they want and there will be no consequences. She is not happy that I am not ringing her in sick and has just come back to me and said that if I don't call her in she will say that I was drunk and couldn't. Whatever - Grrr.
Later
Monday 21 July 2014
Monday 21 July, 2014
Well it is the first day back of the new school term and I really can't believe it is term 3 already. We had a good start to the morning with both of my girls being ready to get to school semi on-time. They were both 5 minutes late but that is a big improvement from last term.
My youngest (13) decided that we don't have anything to eat in our house - we only spend $550 per week (min). We have so much food that both fridges and freezers are full, the main pantry is full is so is our emergency cupboard!. Anyhow, she decided to take one small biscuit to school for the entire day. What she wanted was money to buy food at the canteen or buy MacDonalds after school. Normally, I would give in to her because I would not want her to starve. I had money but I thought that I need to be strong and not give in all the time because I feel guilty about my drinking. Let's face it, she won't die of starvation and if she goes hungry at school she might just find something to eat in the mountains of food we have at home and maybe, just maybe, she might be happy with the lunch I pack her. Yes, I still pack the lunches and the school bags for the girls. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I still make their beds and tidy their rooms. I still run after them if they want something to eat or drink even if they are watching TV and I am busy and they are too lazy to move. Why do I do this? Guilt, remorse, low self esteem, a need to be wanted and loved, shame that I have not been (and never will be) "mother of the year/day or week! Does it help them in the long run? No NO NO.
My children are so fussy and so lazy. I need to take primary responsibility for this because I over-compensate for my behaviour.
Anyway, today is day 4 for me (again) and I am determined not to be a soft touch. It does them no good because it does not prepare them for the "real world" and frankly does me no good either because they think I am "the weakest link" and it does not instill respect. I feel it just instills resentment when they don't get what they want. In the "real world" you need to be self-sufficient, orgamised and have goals that "you" want to achieve and not given to you "on a silver platter" People won't run after them, pamper them or be tolerant of laziness. When I was a teenager I had chores - I hated it but I did them. Iam not sure if mum will agree with this but, I did them with dignity and grace :). These days it appears that children (mine anyway) won't do anything for anyone unless there is something in it for them and are very manipulative! Maybe, that is a product of learned behaviour from me and it scares me that my alcoholic behaviour has rubbed off on them. My husband behaves (most of the time) in a reasoned and calm manor so haven't they taken up his behaviour. I know why, because it appears if you behave badly you get noticed
My youngest (13) decided that we don't have anything to eat in our house - we only spend $550 per week (min). We have so much food that both fridges and freezers are full, the main pantry is full is so is our emergency cupboard!. Anyhow, she decided to take one small biscuit to school for the entire day. What she wanted was money to buy food at the canteen or buy MacDonalds after school. Normally, I would give in to her because I would not want her to starve. I had money but I thought that I need to be strong and not give in all the time because I feel guilty about my drinking. Let's face it, she won't die of starvation and if she goes hungry at school she might just find something to eat in the mountains of food we have at home and maybe, just maybe, she might be happy with the lunch I pack her. Yes, I still pack the lunches and the school bags for the girls. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I still make their beds and tidy their rooms. I still run after them if they want something to eat or drink even if they are watching TV and I am busy and they are too lazy to move. Why do I do this? Guilt, remorse, low self esteem, a need to be wanted and loved, shame that I have not been (and never will be) "mother of the year/day or week! Does it help them in the long run? No NO NO.
My children are so fussy and so lazy. I need to take primary responsibility for this because I over-compensate for my behaviour.
Anyway, today is day 4 for me (again) and I am determined not to be a soft touch. It does them no good because it does not prepare them for the "real world" and frankly does me no good either because they think I am "the weakest link" and it does not instill respect. I feel it just instills resentment when they don't get what they want. In the "real world" you need to be self-sufficient, orgamised and have goals that "you" want to achieve and not given to you "on a silver platter" People won't run after them, pamper them or be tolerant of laziness. When I was a teenager I had chores - I hated it but I did them. Iam not sure if mum will agree with this but, I did them with dignity and grace :). These days it appears that children (mine anyway) won't do anything for anyone unless there is something in it for them and are very manipulative! Maybe, that is a product of learned behaviour from me and it scares me that my alcoholic behaviour has rubbed off on them. My husband behaves (most of the time) in a reasoned and calm manor so haven't they taken up his behaviour. I know why, because it appears if you behave badly you get noticed
Saturday 19 July 2014
Saturday, 19 JUly 2014
It is 9.54pm and I have had a great two days.
It really is amazing how everyone (in my family) bounces back from a bad day. Yesterday, I refused to go out in the morning and as I mentioned I finished a novel and got out of bed late. I have now started the novel mum gave me.
My lazy kids did not get out of bed until at least 1pm but I have decided not to "sweat the small stuff" so did not get too bothered about it. I just went ahead and did my own thing. Around 3pm my middle child came and said to me "Mum, you haven't done anything with me in the school holidays and we go back to school on Monday, would you take me and my sister to the movies?". Initially, I thought no, I could not be bothered but then I thought I should relish the fact that she wanted to spend time with me. This is a first for any school holidays for a long time. She normally can't wait to get out of the door and we struggle to get her to come home1 Off we went an hour later (record time for my girls farting around with showers, hair and make-up) but we made it. We went and saw "Fault in our Stars". I almost died when I got the tickets and a couple of bags of lollies and three small drinks - $65! Oh well, it was worth every penny. I really, really enjoyed the movie and the company of the girls. I did not even mind that they teased me about crying in several parts of the movie. We got home around 6.30pm and I was still sober and had not even thought of drinking. I must always remember these times when the monkey on my shoulder tells me it is OK to have a drink. Sat down and watched Coro and then went to bed and started my new book and read until 11.30pm. That is a miracle in itself that I managed to stay awake and it was great going to sleep naturally without anything assisting.
It was fantastic waking up this morning with no guilt and just feeling happy. My husband and I even had a silly funny discussion about pathetic things as we were doing the grocery shopping. We spent far too money much because we were just chucking things in the trolley! Oh well, it is moments like that that remind me that the real me is still in there somewhere :).
I went to an AA meeting which was great and then did dinner and ironing. Boring, but it was also lovely because everyone was in the family room watching TV, or doing their own thing but we were together. This is a very rare event in my house and even my son came out and we all swashed onto the sofas and talked and had a laugh. We were watching MTV for a bit and there were old Queen and Guns n Roses songs playing. I think our neighbour must have thought we were nuts and probably thought that no one in our house could sing! We were trying to see if we could meet Freddy's high pitch. Dogs hated it.
Sober Wife shared in her blog about talking about some drinking embarrassments and I agree it is very healing. I have found that by just writing this blog I am dealing with my demons in a much more productive way. I am still not 100% sober but I really have made progress. It is all thanks to all you lovely bloggers who share your stories and your lives. As Mrs D said in one of her posts it is like having a huge hug from your cyber friends.
That is all for now. Off to read my book in peace before hubby comes up and complains about having the light on. He much prefers coming to bed with me reading and sober than passed out, smelling of alcohol and snoring. I wonder why? :)
Cherie xx
It really is amazing how everyone (in my family) bounces back from a bad day. Yesterday, I refused to go out in the morning and as I mentioned I finished a novel and got out of bed late. I have now started the novel mum gave me.
My lazy kids did not get out of bed until at least 1pm but I have decided not to "sweat the small stuff" so did not get too bothered about it. I just went ahead and did my own thing. Around 3pm my middle child came and said to me "Mum, you haven't done anything with me in the school holidays and we go back to school on Monday, would you take me and my sister to the movies?". Initially, I thought no, I could not be bothered but then I thought I should relish the fact that she wanted to spend time with me. This is a first for any school holidays for a long time. She normally can't wait to get out of the door and we struggle to get her to come home1 Off we went an hour later (record time for my girls farting around with showers, hair and make-up) but we made it. We went and saw "Fault in our Stars". I almost died when I got the tickets and a couple of bags of lollies and three small drinks - $65! Oh well, it was worth every penny. I really, really enjoyed the movie and the company of the girls. I did not even mind that they teased me about crying in several parts of the movie. We got home around 6.30pm and I was still sober and had not even thought of drinking. I must always remember these times when the monkey on my shoulder tells me it is OK to have a drink. Sat down and watched Coro and then went to bed and started my new book and read until 11.30pm. That is a miracle in itself that I managed to stay awake and it was great going to sleep naturally without anything assisting.
It was fantastic waking up this morning with no guilt and just feeling happy. My husband and I even had a silly funny discussion about pathetic things as we were doing the grocery shopping. We spent far too money much because we were just chucking things in the trolley! Oh well, it is moments like that that remind me that the real me is still in there somewhere :).
I went to an AA meeting which was great and then did dinner and ironing. Boring, but it was also lovely because everyone was in the family room watching TV, or doing their own thing but we were together. This is a very rare event in my house and even my son came out and we all swashed onto the sofas and talked and had a laugh. We were watching MTV for a bit and there were old Queen and Guns n Roses songs playing. I think our neighbour must have thought we were nuts and probably thought that no one in our house could sing! We were trying to see if we could meet Freddy's high pitch. Dogs hated it.
Sober Wife shared in her blog about talking about some drinking embarrassments and I agree it is very healing. I have found that by just writing this blog I am dealing with my demons in a much more productive way. I am still not 100% sober but I really have made progress. It is all thanks to all you lovely bloggers who share your stories and your lives. As Mrs D said in one of her posts it is like having a huge hug from your cyber friends.
That is all for now. Off to read my book in peace before hubby comes up and complains about having the light on. He much prefers coming to bed with me reading and sober than passed out, smelling of alcohol and snoring. I wonder why? :)
Cherie xx
Friday 18 July 2014
Friday 18th July, 2014
Back to day 1 again :(. I really set myself up to fail yesterday when I was re-reading my blog just before the tone of it was really negative. I think that if I am really honest with myself (the whole point of writing my blog) then I probably woke up with the thought of drinking in my head and did nothing to fight it off. The end result was a miserable end to the day.
Enough doom and gloom. All that does is set me in a cycle of "bad person" and then I may as well drink. Not today. No no no no. It is the last day of the school holidays and I am going to do a heap of ironing while watching a girly flick with my middle child.
Under no circumstances am I going to leave the house and go anywhere near where alcohol is sold. There is no alcohol left and the only way it gets into the house is if I buy it. We are supposed to have an alcohol free house. Hubby doesn't drink any more but he is one of these really annoying moderate drinkers. I can never understand how someone could have a glass of wine with dinner (he used) and then put the bottle back in the fridge for the next day. No way can I do that. The bottle would be gone in a flash and I would be looking around for more!
It really does show how destructive alcohol is for me. When I drink absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, gets done. I have just spent an hour in the kitchen clearing aways 2 days worth of dishes because my husband (rightly so) won't do them because it highlights what I miss out on doing when drinking. The washing has not been put away for two days. I have half finished the vacumm cleaning, I have half cleaned half of the bathrooms, the bucket is full of water from two days ago as I was planning on cleaning the mould off the windowsills.
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to finish a novel I have been reading as mum gave me one that I am really keen to read but would not read two books at once. I finished it and I got up at 12.15pm (Shh don't tell anyone). I felt I have achieved something and I had not been out to get wine. I just need to hold on until 6pm when I know that the cravings will pass and then I can sit down and watch Coronation Street.
Will check in later. :)
Enough doom and gloom. All that does is set me in a cycle of "bad person" and then I may as well drink. Not today. No no no no. It is the last day of the school holidays and I am going to do a heap of ironing while watching a girly flick with my middle child.
Under no circumstances am I going to leave the house and go anywhere near where alcohol is sold. There is no alcohol left and the only way it gets into the house is if I buy it. We are supposed to have an alcohol free house. Hubby doesn't drink any more but he is one of these really annoying moderate drinkers. I can never understand how someone could have a glass of wine with dinner (he used) and then put the bottle back in the fridge for the next day. No way can I do that. The bottle would be gone in a flash and I would be looking around for more!
It really does show how destructive alcohol is for me. When I drink absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, gets done. I have just spent an hour in the kitchen clearing aways 2 days worth of dishes because my husband (rightly so) won't do them because it highlights what I miss out on doing when drinking. The washing has not been put away for two days. I have half finished the vacumm cleaning, I have half cleaned half of the bathrooms, the bucket is full of water from two days ago as I was planning on cleaning the mould off the windowsills.
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to finish a novel I have been reading as mum gave me one that I am really keen to read but would not read two books at once. I finished it and I got up at 12.15pm (Shh don't tell anyone). I felt I have achieved something and I had not been out to get wine. I just need to hold on until 6pm when I know that the cravings will pass and then I can sit down and watch Coronation Street.
Will check in later. :)
Thursday 17 July 2014
Thursday 17th July 2014
It is 11.52am and I am frustrated. Because I have been trying to post comments on other blogs and A) I can't read the words to confirm : "I am not a robot", (My eyesight is not that fab - why do they have to do it) B) when think I have it correct I get the "it will be visible once published" I can't see it visible at all. Maybe I have done something wrong.
For all those that read my blog, thank you, thank you.
Honestly, I want a drink because I am frustrated. Any bloody excuse. The weather is appauling. I have lost my motivation today and just want to hide away. That is what my kids are expecting. To finish off I heard this saying and please foregive me for the language but it is about fear.
1) Fuck Everyone And Run (FEAR)
2) Face Everyone And Recover (FEAR)
Let you know soon which way I am going.
For all those that read my blog, thank you, thank you.
Honestly, I want a drink because I am frustrated. Any bloody excuse. The weather is appauling. I have lost my motivation today and just want to hide away. That is what my kids are expecting. To finish off I heard this saying and please foregive me for the language but it is about fear.
1) Fuck Everyone And Run (FEAR)
2) Face Everyone And Recover (FEAR)
Let you know soon which way I am going.
Wednesday July 2014
It is 11.09am and it is freezing and bleak.
Yesterday was great. I ended up having a long conversation with my mum and going for a 12k walk with my lovely ex nanny. Yes 12ks, 12ks - 12ks is a long way and it took us around 2 hours for a toilet and coffee stop. I am sore today but it is nice sore. It is not like I was drunk and fell over and bruised my body (for a change) , this was great. I have done something positive and even though I am sore I am keen to do other things. When I got back from my walk we had my middle child friend dying her hair. The friend had told her mother that I was "an expert" I almost wet my pants laughing. I dyed my youngest daughter hair and did not read the box properly and although it is all even and lovely, it is a bloody permanent colour. My hairdresser just about shot me! I am never. never, dying hair again :). Upshot is that now , I have hair dye stains in my bathroom. Not bad, but still annoying. Have I lost the plot? No, I have not - (what is wrong with me?)
My "angels" plus an extra are still asleep. Last holidays I would have been so angry but today I think "don't sweat small stuff" - my dad always used to say that. Enjoy the peace and the serenity.
On my walk yesterday, it was a bit "awkward". I was walking with my lovely ex nanny that I will call "Y" from now on (too much typing otherwise) and we walked passed a service station on the same side of the road as my brother. He had just pulled up and got out of his truck. I don't want to cause any drama or be uncomfortable but I freaked out and said ""Y" "I don't want to see him, I don't think it is a good idea". We took a detour around the back of the service station. I felt gutless not facing up to him but I don't think it would have worked out well and certainly would have been counter-productive (on my part anyway). It makes me sad but at the "end of the day" I can't force forgiveness on his part and I am trying to get over the resentment I have about him (or his wife) calling the police on me which may or may not result in another criminal conviction but will certainly result in about $5,000 in lawyers fees that we don't have! It would not have happened if I was not so determined to "make him accept my apology". I was trying to control the situation and it meant I fell flat on my face and who lost overall? My kids, mum, and hubby. No mother wants her children to have animosity between them .I think , in some ways, since dad died we have drifted apart. Definitely, since my brother remarried and had his 4th child. Not his fault, not his wife's fault, it is just "life on life's terms" On a positive note, I am so proud of mum because she has become so much more confident. When dad died, she struggled with basics like writing out a cheque, paying with a debit card, using the electronic machines. It was all very foreign as dad did that. Now, she is organising her own investments, paying her bills on-line and challenging people/organisations for answers rather than being complacent. Go mum. :).
Check in later :)
Yesterday was great. I ended up having a long conversation with my mum and going for a 12k walk with my lovely ex nanny. Yes 12ks, 12ks - 12ks is a long way and it took us around 2 hours for a toilet and coffee stop. I am sore today but it is nice sore. It is not like I was drunk and fell over and bruised my body (for a change) , this was great. I have done something positive and even though I am sore I am keen to do other things. When I got back from my walk we had my middle child friend dying her hair. The friend had told her mother that I was "an expert" I almost wet my pants laughing. I dyed my youngest daughter hair and did not read the box properly and although it is all even and lovely, it is a bloody permanent colour. My hairdresser just about shot me! I am never. never, dying hair again :). Upshot is that now , I have hair dye stains in my bathroom. Not bad, but still annoying. Have I lost the plot? No, I have not - (what is wrong with me?)
My "angels" plus an extra are still asleep. Last holidays I would have been so angry but today I think "don't sweat small stuff" - my dad always used to say that. Enjoy the peace and the serenity.
On my walk yesterday, it was a bit "awkward". I was walking with my lovely ex nanny that I will call "Y" from now on (too much typing otherwise) and we walked passed a service station on the same side of the road as my brother. He had just pulled up and got out of his truck. I don't want to cause any drama or be uncomfortable but I freaked out and said ""Y" "I don't want to see him, I don't think it is a good idea". We took a detour around the back of the service station. I felt gutless not facing up to him but I don't think it would have worked out well and certainly would have been counter-productive (on my part anyway). It makes me sad but at the "end of the day" I can't force forgiveness on his part and I am trying to get over the resentment I have about him (or his wife) calling the police on me which may or may not result in another criminal conviction but will certainly result in about $5,000 in lawyers fees that we don't have! It would not have happened if I was not so determined to "make him accept my apology". I was trying to control the situation and it meant I fell flat on my face and who lost overall? My kids, mum, and hubby. No mother wants her children to have animosity between them .I think , in some ways, since dad died we have drifted apart. Definitely, since my brother remarried and had his 4th child. Not his fault, not his wife's fault, it is just "life on life's terms" On a positive note, I am so proud of mum because she has become so much more confident. When dad died, she struggled with basics like writing out a cheque, paying with a debit card, using the electronic machines. It was all very foreign as dad did that. Now, she is organising her own investments, paying her bills on-line and challenging people/organisations for answers rather than being complacent. Go mum. :).
Check in later :)
Tuesday 15 July 2014
Tuesday, 15th July, 2014
Well, I have had three days off from blogging and I have missed sitting quietly at the computer and writing down honestly how my life is going. I have not been drinking (bloody miracle) but I have been busy doing normal things that I can't do when I am drinking. I have put a lot of effort into my family but I have made sure (I hope) that I have not been over-compensating. I have been baking, sitting watching movies with the family and have done absoultely no housework. I hate not cleaning my house but I have forced myself this weekend to "chill out" and just be relaxed. My husband took yesterday (Monday) off from work and we had a great relaxing time doing nothing. Normally, if he took a day off during the week I would be pissed off because that would mean I could not go out and get my drink of choice "wine". We needed stuff from supermarket yesterday and him and I went together. I did not feel resentful at all and I did not even look at the wine. If I was alone, I would have browsed the wine section and "goodness me" wine just jumped into the basket. I always always over-compensate with my children because I feel so guilty and ashamed but it does not do them any good and certainly does not do me any good.
I have read some awesome blogs this weekend and have had some neat emails as well. Mrs D and Granny Getting Sober Blogs really hit home to me this weekend. The reason being is that it highlights, to me, that giving up the booze is only a just the very start. Life throws "ups" and "downs" and that is just life. I need to learn to live and accept "life on life's terms"! The norm for me over the last several years of my heavy drinking is that I can only deal with life if life goes my way. Well the world will keep spinning irrespective of what I do and in reality "I am not that important".
So, Friday last week was emotionally trying. The real reason for this is that it pointed out to me "yet again" that addiction will kill you. I went to bed in the afternoon which I find is better than going and getting a drink. I also find that if I hop into bed (even just to read my book) and put my pjs on it will stop me from going out and getting booze. It may be only 2pm but if I want to be sober for the day that is what I need to do. I struggle with going to bed in the afternoon as I see that is what old people do. But as I just said if it keeps me sober then it is worth it. Friday worked out OK not great but Ok. Kids had neat time and ended up being up until 3 am. Grumpy Cherie came and put an end to the antics.
Saturday was great. After not getting enough sleep on Friday we did normal stuff (shopping) and I went to an AA meeting. As I mentioned earlier I find these helpful if I shut my gob and listen to others I can always take something positive that will help me out of a meeting. I guess it is a bit like doing this. My middle child did not follow through with being somewhere at a particular time and made all the excuses and did things when she wanted too. Well, my mum said to me, and she was so correct "Cherie, your daughter is so much like you". The problem is, she is, and I can see it. The manipulation to get her own way, never following through, the excuses,, the desire to be forgiven instantly, the constant demand on people emotionally but the willingness to do anything for someone else.
Sunday and Monday were also great and again, I did nothing around the house other than the basics. Watched girly flicks and mum came around for afternoon tea on Sunday. It is so nice not feeling like I have to go a hundred miles and hour and I think my brain has slowed down and become more logical.
Last night (Monday) we had my middle childs' friend around again. She arrived at dinner time (that was ok because I had heaps) I am so proud of myself because my middle child would have never wanted anyone to stay last holidays and yet she wants people to stay and she is happy to chill out at home. I think that is because of my progress and I am getting trust (not much) but a bit so that is a step in the right direction. They asked to go and get some dvds. It is the very first time (and I mean the very first time) that they have had the confidence to ask me to take them at night, Normally they would go to my husband because they were fearful that I had been drinking. Not last night and it felt great. I know it sounds pathetic but I really enjoyed being able to get in the car and drive them to the dvd shop and browse without getting annoyed and then taking them to get needed "snacks". I was trusted and inwardly I wanted a cop to stop me and breath test me so I could prove to them I wasn't drinking. I was so proud of myself. That is the first time in a long time that no-one was trying to say "mum we don't need it" or "mum, dad will take us".
On Sunday evening I went to another AA meeting and I shared at that meeting that I have started writing a blog which was purely inspired my Mrs D. As I said in the meeting it is purely for my benefit but if it helps others that is fantastic. I thought I would be "poo pooed" but I have had nothing but support from them as well. A lovely lady who has been sober for 29 years read my blog and said she thought it was great because you get "everything out of your head and can then move on". It was so neat to get support on that front as well.
I have been sitting here for almost an hour and a half and done nothing around the house so now I need to wake up the lazy teenagers ( it is 11.50am) and my peace will be shattered but in a nice way.
Catch up later.
All you lovely bloggers, I need and want you so keep on keeping on. I love your blogs and I comment when I can. :)
\
I have read some awesome blogs this weekend and have had some neat emails as well. Mrs D and Granny Getting Sober Blogs really hit home to me this weekend. The reason being is that it highlights, to me, that giving up the booze is only a just the very start. Life throws "ups" and "downs" and that is just life. I need to learn to live and accept "life on life's terms"! The norm for me over the last several years of my heavy drinking is that I can only deal with life if life goes my way. Well the world will keep spinning irrespective of what I do and in reality "I am not that important".
So, Friday last week was emotionally trying. The real reason for this is that it pointed out to me "yet again" that addiction will kill you. I went to bed in the afternoon which I find is better than going and getting a drink. I also find that if I hop into bed (even just to read my book) and put my pjs on it will stop me from going out and getting booze. It may be only 2pm but if I want to be sober for the day that is what I need to do. I struggle with going to bed in the afternoon as I see that is what old people do. But as I just said if it keeps me sober then it is worth it. Friday worked out OK not great but Ok. Kids had neat time and ended up being up until 3 am. Grumpy Cherie came and put an end to the antics.
Saturday was great. After not getting enough sleep on Friday we did normal stuff (shopping) and I went to an AA meeting. As I mentioned earlier I find these helpful if I shut my gob and listen to others I can always take something positive that will help me out of a meeting. I guess it is a bit like doing this. My middle child did not follow through with being somewhere at a particular time and made all the excuses and did things when she wanted too. Well, my mum said to me, and she was so correct "Cherie, your daughter is so much like you". The problem is, she is, and I can see it. The manipulation to get her own way, never following through, the excuses,, the desire to be forgiven instantly, the constant demand on people emotionally but the willingness to do anything for someone else.
Sunday and Monday were also great and again, I did nothing around the house other than the basics. Watched girly flicks and mum came around for afternoon tea on Sunday. It is so nice not feeling like I have to go a hundred miles and hour and I think my brain has slowed down and become more logical.
Last night (Monday) we had my middle childs' friend around again. She arrived at dinner time (that was ok because I had heaps) I am so proud of myself because my middle child would have never wanted anyone to stay last holidays and yet she wants people to stay and she is happy to chill out at home. I think that is because of my progress and I am getting trust (not much) but a bit so that is a step in the right direction. They asked to go and get some dvds. It is the very first time (and I mean the very first time) that they have had the confidence to ask me to take them at night, Normally they would go to my husband because they were fearful that I had been drinking. Not last night and it felt great. I know it sounds pathetic but I really enjoyed being able to get in the car and drive them to the dvd shop and browse without getting annoyed and then taking them to get needed "snacks". I was trusted and inwardly I wanted a cop to stop me and breath test me so I could prove to them I wasn't drinking. I was so proud of myself. That is the first time in a long time that no-one was trying to say "mum we don't need it" or "mum, dad will take us".
On Sunday evening I went to another AA meeting and I shared at that meeting that I have started writing a blog which was purely inspired my Mrs D. As I said in the meeting it is purely for my benefit but if it helps others that is fantastic. I thought I would be "poo pooed" but I have had nothing but support from them as well. A lovely lady who has been sober for 29 years read my blog and said she thought it was great because you get "everything out of your head and can then move on". It was so neat to get support on that front as well.
I have been sitting here for almost an hour and a half and done nothing around the house so now I need to wake up the lazy teenagers ( it is 11.50am) and my peace will be shattered but in a nice way.
Catch up later.
All you lovely bloggers, I need and want you so keep on keeping on. I love your blogs and I comment when I can. :)
\
Friday 11 July 2014
Friday 11th July 2014
Good morning blog. And a fine day it will be too..
It is 9.24am and my "angels" are still sleeping. More peace for me to do this rather them looking over my shoulder to find out what I am writing.
As I mentioned, yesterday was a bit of an upsetting day so I have decided to start my blog early today so that if a "curve ball" comes my way I can open it up to finish it off and see how positively the day started. :).
Plans for the day 1) Have a shower and wash my hair (boring but necessary), 2) Go to the supermarket to get a few bits but NO WINE, NO WINE. 3) Housework/washing - again boring but necessary. 4) Bath my baby girl (my puppy :)) 5) Baking (which is why I am going to supermarket - AND FOR NO OTHER REASON CHERIE) 6) Go for a long walk with my lovely ex nanny. By this time it should be around 2pm and I will have an extra child here and hopefully she will stay over.
I am so pleased with my middle child. I thought she would want to spend the entire school holidays away from me. She hates the drinking - we all do, but she appears to be the one affected the most. She is also exhibiting addictive signs as well which is a real concern. Anyway, she has been happy to slop around in her pjs and watch movies and spend time with yours truly. The funny thing is that she has a mad sense of humour(another thing she seems to have inherited from me) and we have some stupid laughs. Yesterday, we were sending each other voice messages on facebook. How old am I? Anyway, it was fun and even though my husband thinks it is rather "immature" lol, I is a really good way of me bonding with her.
All and all I feel like I have set myself up for a good day.
Check in later.
To all my fellow bloggers have a fab day. It is Friday :)
It is 10.38am. Just an hour after I started the blog for the day and curve ball number 1 has arrived! I am so so pleased I started off on a positive note and I am also so pleased that I am writing this as things happen. My middle childs' friend who was going to stay is going to stay but not for the reasons I was hoping. Nothing to do with us directly but her mother's friend in Palmerston North just discovered that her son (the mothers friend - confused yet!) committed suicide (intentional or not) by OD on meds. I know it not alcoholisn but it is addiction and addiction takes many forms. Alcoholism is just one form. It makes me realise that in the "cold light of day" addiction will kill you if you let it. It reminded me of a co-addict who recently jumped off the ferry between Picton and Wellington because life just got "too hard". No funeral is nice but his was particularly sad as he still had a lot to live for. For me, addiction robs me of the ability to focus on the good and I find that I then have the "poor mees" which turns out to "pour me a drink" and the bastard has won again Not today "piss off addiction" . What this means is that I need to revamp my plan for today. That is OK because that is life and life is not
My walk is on hold because I am likely to have mother and daughter arriving shortly in a very distraught state - understandable. I have suggested (in my infinite wisdom - not) that they come and calm down. Particularly as the mother has to drive 2 hours to get to her friend and be a support person. The last thing I want is the mother of my daughters friend having an accident. (Yes I am going to stress about that too). So plan B is I am going to make muffins, sausage rolls and quiche. Just because it keeps me busy and distracted. Then we, the mother of my child friend and me (bloody confusing - even I am getting confused lol ) are going to sit down and have a frank conversation about addiction. For whose benefit I don't know.
Anyway, my middle child is up and telling me about the events of the suicide and how her friend needs her. I am proud she came to me to ask "mum what do I do and what do I say"?. I said - "listen, listen , listen" that is all I can say. Addiction is a bastard and it will kill you (physically and emotionally) and kills others around you.
It is 9.24am and my "angels" are still sleeping. More peace for me to do this rather them looking over my shoulder to find out what I am writing.
As I mentioned, yesterday was a bit of an upsetting day so I have decided to start my blog early today so that if a "curve ball" comes my way I can open it up to finish it off and see how positively the day started. :).
Plans for the day 1) Have a shower and wash my hair (boring but necessary), 2) Go to the supermarket to get a few bits but NO WINE, NO WINE. 3) Housework/washing - again boring but necessary. 4) Bath my baby girl (my puppy :)) 5) Baking (which is why I am going to supermarket - AND FOR NO OTHER REASON CHERIE) 6) Go for a long walk with my lovely ex nanny. By this time it should be around 2pm and I will have an extra child here and hopefully she will stay over.
I am so pleased with my middle child. I thought she would want to spend the entire school holidays away from me. She hates the drinking - we all do, but she appears to be the one affected the most. She is also exhibiting addictive signs as well which is a real concern. Anyway, she has been happy to slop around in her pjs and watch movies and spend time with yours truly. The funny thing is that she has a mad sense of humour(another thing she seems to have inherited from me) and we have some stupid laughs. Yesterday, we were sending each other voice messages on facebook. How old am I? Anyway, it was fun and even though my husband thinks it is rather "immature" lol, I is a really good way of me bonding with her.
All and all I feel like I have set myself up for a good day.
Check in later.
To all my fellow bloggers have a fab day. It is Friday :)
It is 10.38am. Just an hour after I started the blog for the day and curve ball number 1 has arrived! I am so so pleased I started off on a positive note and I am also so pleased that I am writing this as things happen. My middle childs' friend who was going to stay is going to stay but not for the reasons I was hoping. Nothing to do with us directly but her mother's friend in Palmerston North just discovered that her son (the mothers friend - confused yet!) committed suicide (intentional or not) by OD on meds. I know it not alcoholisn but it is addiction and addiction takes many forms. Alcoholism is just one form. It makes me realise that in the "cold light of day" addiction will kill you if you let it. It reminded me of a co-addict who recently jumped off the ferry between Picton and Wellington because life just got "too hard". No funeral is nice but his was particularly sad as he still had a lot to live for. For me, addiction robs me of the ability to focus on the good and I find that I then have the "poor mees" which turns out to "pour me a drink" and the bastard has won again Not today "piss off addiction" . What this means is that I need to revamp my plan for today. That is OK because that is life and life is not
My walk is on hold because I am likely to have mother and daughter arriving shortly in a very distraught state - understandable. I have suggested (in my infinite wisdom - not) that they come and calm down. Particularly as the mother has to drive 2 hours to get to her friend and be a support person. The last thing I want is the mother of my daughters friend having an accident. (Yes I am going to stress about that too). So plan B is I am going to make muffins, sausage rolls and quiche. Just because it keeps me busy and distracted. Then we, the mother of my child friend and me (bloody confusing - even I am getting confused lol ) are going to sit down and have a frank conversation about addiction. For whose benefit I don't know.
Anyway, my middle child is up and telling me about the events of the suicide and how her friend needs her. I am proud she came to me to ask "mum what do I do and what do I say"?. I said - "listen, listen , listen" that is all I can say. Addiction is a bastard and it will kill you (physically and emotionally) and kills others around you.
Thursday 10 July 2014
Thursday 10 July 2014
I have decided that I am going to keep blogging because I want to and it helps me! Selfish, yes, but at the end of the day no one is forced to read my blog and it really is just for my benefit. It is so funny (not "ha ha" just strange) that some of my close blogger friends (not that I have many) also had the same thought about giving up blogging. But where would I be,!I know exactly where I would be! Pissed or planning to be pissed and I am not either - go me :).Yet.
Time is 11.45am and I am very calm. That is a strange feeling because normally I would be angry that my children they have not got out of bed. I lie, I am angry but calm as well, I really don't know how to explain.
So what do I do? I really want to yell and scream to get them out of bed! That is what they are expecting but I am trying to ignore, ignore, ignore. It is like putting a bottle of wine in front of me and saying "don't drink it ". Not going to happen. I want to go and get a massage (which we can't afford) just so I can relax. I am extremely fragile.
Time is now 9.38pm and I went to bed for a while. I was extremely upset about some news today involving the police. I was also very grateful that my son stood behind the car so I could not reverse out of the driveway and my youngest took the keys. If it wasn't for them I don't know what state I would be in now. Of course, I was not grateful at the time! It is a real shame that my brother and I have had a fallening out. I take responsibility for my part but it has really got out of hand. I am not sure we will be on talking terms any time soon. Nevermind, I am not going to let it derail me.
Tomorrow will be a great day. I am going for a long walk with my ex-nanny and that always recharges me and makes me feel better. I feel a bit like a bloated whale at the moment so really need to do positive things to make me feel better. Things that don't include drinking wine.
Time is 11.45am and I am very calm. That is a strange feeling because normally I would be angry that my children they have not got out of bed. I lie, I am angry but calm as well, I really don't know how to explain.
So what do I do? I really want to yell and scream to get them out of bed! That is what they are expecting but I am trying to ignore, ignore, ignore. It is like putting a bottle of wine in front of me and saying "don't drink it ". Not going to happen. I want to go and get a massage (which we can't afford) just so I can relax. I am extremely fragile.
Time is now 9.38pm and I went to bed for a while. I was extremely upset about some news today involving the police. I was also very grateful that my son stood behind the car so I could not reverse out of the driveway and my youngest took the keys. If it wasn't for them I don't know what state I would be in now. Of course, I was not grateful at the time! It is a real shame that my brother and I have had a fallening out. I take responsibility for my part but it has really got out of hand. I am not sure we will be on talking terms any time soon. Nevermind, I am not going to let it derail me.
Tomorrow will be a great day. I am going for a long walk with my ex-nanny and that always recharges me and makes me feel better. I feel a bit like a bloated whale at the moment so really need to do positive things to make me feel better. Things that don't include drinking wine.
Wednesday 9 July 2014
Tuesday 8th July 2014
The time is 5.29pm on Tuesday afternoon. It is dark and cold and I just want to get my pjs on. I did not blog yesterday. I had a mixed day really. It is much better for me if I blog because I feel more centred and able to cope. My opinion.
I was was thrilled Mrs D commented on my blog about my dreams because honestly, I felt like I was nutier than normal. ( Not sure that is possible). It is school holidays and I feel a bit lost really. If I get up at normal time I walk around the house like a zoombie. and then come lunchtime they want food and transport. I really should be grateful that my middle child wants a friend to stay and more so that her friend wants to stay and the mother is happy about it. I guess that is a positive eh.,
Anyway, my lovely ex nanny arrived yesterday afternoon and I am so so embarassed. She never knew I had a drinking problem but she sure does now. I had not had a drink but told her some of my stories she was horrified..She and her daughters are awesome, but I feel like poor me again. I am not going to feel like that. I think my mother is also a bit horrified in parts because I am not sure if she knew the full extent. She knew it was bad, but I am not sure she knew actually how bad!
My husband has said that he is not sure about blogging and whether it is helpful or not! Maybe he is right to some extent. That is depressing too. He thinks that blogging is is just a means to have the poor mees and have people feel sorry for you. "You have to do it for yourself". I know I have to do it for myself and I am by blogging to help myself (I think). As I said to him "it is more about me documenting stuff as things occur and it is better to get it out rather than internalise - which I am very good at by the way - because that just leads to more drinking!
Negative blog for today so will try and be more positive tomorrow.
Cherie xx
I was was thrilled Mrs D commented on my blog about my dreams because honestly, I felt like I was nutier than normal. ( Not sure that is possible). It is school holidays and I feel a bit lost really. If I get up at normal time I walk around the house like a zoombie. and then come lunchtime they want food and transport. I really should be grateful that my middle child wants a friend to stay and more so that her friend wants to stay and the mother is happy about it. I guess that is a positive eh.,
Anyway, my lovely ex nanny arrived yesterday afternoon and I am so so embarassed. She never knew I had a drinking problem but she sure does now. I had not had a drink but told her some of my stories she was horrified..She and her daughters are awesome, but I feel like poor me again. I am not going to feel like that. I think my mother is also a bit horrified in parts because I am not sure if she knew the full extent. She knew it was bad, but I am not sure she knew actually how bad!
My husband has said that he is not sure about blogging and whether it is helpful or not! Maybe he is right to some extent. That is depressing too. He thinks that blogging is is just a means to have the poor mees and have people feel sorry for you. "You have to do it for yourself". I know I have to do it for myself and I am by blogging to help myself (I think). As I said to him "it is more about me documenting stuff as things occur and it is better to get it out rather than internalise - which I am very good at by the way - because that just leads to more drinking!
Negative blog for today so will try and be more positive tomorrow.
Cherie xx
Sunday 6 July 2014
Sunday 6th July 2014.
Well, I have got sick of the confusion and dumped Mary Davis and am now calling myself by my given name Cherie. So much easier.
It is 8.20pm and I have had a brilliant but very busy day in the kitchen. My mum came around for the first time in a couple of months for lunch. After, we had a bit of drama caused by myself and alcohol combined (never a good mix) it has been baby steps to try and repair the damage. We had a lovely family day with all my children at home as well. And dropped mum home mid-afternoon.
This surprised me as my middle child went to a party last night. I mentioned this yesterday and I must say I am so very relieved that she was sensible. Apparently, one of her 18+ friends did the alcohol run and got her a dozen of something. She said she had 6 or 7 (vodka mixed with something) and felt herself getting tipsy and decided to stop. I was so very proud of her. She left the remaining alcohol behind and actually went to one of her girlfriends place at around 1am. She was picked up by an adult sober driver - which was also a relief. The went and got some MacDonalds and went to sleep. She seemed perfectly fine when we picked her up at 11am so I have told her that I was very proud of her maturity. I was also thankful that the supervising adults were constantly bringing around nibbles. I think this is so important to teach them moderation - I am certainly not a good role model on that front.
Well, it is the school holidays and I never do that well in the school holidays but this time it is going to be great - Keep drumming that into my thick skull. I have plans for tomorrow to take my youngest child the the mall to buy some stuff for her room as she completely cleaned her room and it is spotless so she deserves a bit of a treat. The only thing she said is that she will not go anywhere with me if I have been drinking so that is hopefully enough incentive to not drink.
I don't know about others but, I have been having these horrible dreams and they are always about alcohol. Last night I woke up several times in a sweat (could be menopause) wondering if I had been drinking. I knew I hadn't because it was Saturday and I never drink on Saturday - too many eyes watching me! The dream was very vivid though and although I can't remember exactly what it was about I remember that it was vivid.
The weather is supposed to be fine tomorrow so I need to be focused and very vigilant. Looks like I will be spending most of the time in my slippers except when out with kids. Proabably safer that way. I would very much like to go for a long walk but will need to be thoroughly inspected for cash or cards stashed in my clothes so I don't get the urge to be sneaky.
Mrs D mentioned in her last blog about the witching time. For me, if I can get passed 4.30pm in the afternoon I am normally ok as long as I don't make up an excuse to go and get something from the supermarket. After all, my husband is normally home by 5.30pm to 6pm these days so is more than capable and infact, willing, to do anything to stop me from going near the supermarket at that time of day because if I have made it that far during the day without a drink there is a good chance I will remain sober if I just stay at home. He always tries to get home at that time mostly to make sure that if I am under the influence the kids have something decent for dinner. Rather shocking really. He had made a big sacrifice because he is an executive and really expected to put in extra hours. I guess he does a lot of work at home in the evenings especially if I have been drinking and have put myself to bed at some ridiculous hour.
Anyway, that is all about my day today. Hope all you lovely people are well and sober tonight :)
Cherie
It is 8.20pm and I have had a brilliant but very busy day in the kitchen. My mum came around for the first time in a couple of months for lunch. After, we had a bit of drama caused by myself and alcohol combined (never a good mix) it has been baby steps to try and repair the damage. We had a lovely family day with all my children at home as well. And dropped mum home mid-afternoon.
This surprised me as my middle child went to a party last night. I mentioned this yesterday and I must say I am so very relieved that she was sensible. Apparently, one of her 18+ friends did the alcohol run and got her a dozen of something. She said she had 6 or 7 (vodka mixed with something) and felt herself getting tipsy and decided to stop. I was so very proud of her. She left the remaining alcohol behind and actually went to one of her girlfriends place at around 1am. She was picked up by an adult sober driver - which was also a relief. The went and got some MacDonalds and went to sleep. She seemed perfectly fine when we picked her up at 11am so I have told her that I was very proud of her maturity. I was also thankful that the supervising adults were constantly bringing around nibbles. I think this is so important to teach them moderation - I am certainly not a good role model on that front.
Well, it is the school holidays and I never do that well in the school holidays but this time it is going to be great - Keep drumming that into my thick skull. I have plans for tomorrow to take my youngest child the the mall to buy some stuff for her room as she completely cleaned her room and it is spotless so she deserves a bit of a treat. The only thing she said is that she will not go anywhere with me if I have been drinking so that is hopefully enough incentive to not drink.
I don't know about others but, I have been having these horrible dreams and they are always about alcohol. Last night I woke up several times in a sweat (could be menopause) wondering if I had been drinking. I knew I hadn't because it was Saturday and I never drink on Saturday - too many eyes watching me! The dream was very vivid though and although I can't remember exactly what it was about I remember that it was vivid.
The weather is supposed to be fine tomorrow so I need to be focused and very vigilant. Looks like I will be spending most of the time in my slippers except when out with kids. Proabably safer that way. I would very much like to go for a long walk but will need to be thoroughly inspected for cash or cards stashed in my clothes so I don't get the urge to be sneaky.
Mrs D mentioned in her last blog about the witching time. For me, if I can get passed 4.30pm in the afternoon I am normally ok as long as I don't make up an excuse to go and get something from the supermarket. After all, my husband is normally home by 5.30pm to 6pm these days so is more than capable and infact, willing, to do anything to stop me from going near the supermarket at that time of day because if I have made it that far during the day without a drink there is a good chance I will remain sober if I just stay at home. He always tries to get home at that time mostly to make sure that if I am under the influence the kids have something decent for dinner. Rather shocking really. He had made a big sacrifice because he is an executive and really expected to put in extra hours. I guess he does a lot of work at home in the evenings especially if I have been drinking and have put myself to bed at some ridiculous hour.
Anyway, that is all about my day today. Hope all you lovely people are well and sober tonight :)
Cherie
Saturday 5 July 2014
Saturday 5th July 2014
This is my second attempt at writing my blog today! I had just about finished it and pressed the "delete" button. Don't you hate that when it happens?
Anyway, I would like to that all you lovely people that are showing me support by commenting on my blog. I have replied to all of your lovely comments :) . I am also very grateful for the suggestions that people have made as well.
What did I do today? Well it is 7.25pm and I have just got my pjs on and sitting on the upstairs computer while my husband and son are gearing up to watch the rugby - boring !!
It was a normal Saturday as far as shopping and housework goes. No netball today as both my girls had birthday parties to go to. We have just picked our 13 year old up from her friends 14th birthday where they went and played "bubble soccer" - never heard of it but sounds like she had fun.
My 15 year old is at a 16 year birthday party and yes, there is alcohol. That scares the living daylights out of me as I am terrified that she is going to turn into me at a young age. You see, she is a mirror image of my behaviour which is the bad aspect of my behaviour. The difference is that I only started drinking and exhibiting bad behaviour when I was 40 - I am now 48. I only hope that she has enough sense that she thinks about what alcohol has done to her and can see what is has done to me and choses not to go down that path. At the end of the day, I cannot control her anymore. In fact, I can't control anyone except myself and how I chose to react to situations. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have (well in the process) of accepting that I am a :control freak:. I so hate that work but when I think about it, for me, it means that I always want to be involved in the outcome and want things done my way. My way hasn't worked so well for me lately so I guess it is time to be realistic and try and unlearn this behaviour and "chill out". Me "chill out" I don't know that I know how. Blogging is certainly helping because it is focusing my mind on doing something positive.
I also went to an AA meeting today. I quite like the meetings because they force you sit quietly and listen to other people. There is always, always something positive I take away. I feel like a bit of an AA failure really because all that is required, supposedly, is a desire to stop drinking. Well I have had a desire to stop drinking for quite sometime but I obviously haven't been willing enough. Anyway, when it was my turn to share I mentioned that I thought I was a very willful person. There has been positives in my life with this trait the best one being that I wanted an accountancy degree and I worked hard to get it. It did not come easy for me but I was determined to get the degree and I aimed to graduate my year as "top graduate". I achieved this. Goodness knows how as I had never been top at anything in my life - just Jo average. I was very proud of this and held down some really good jobs because I was willing to suceed. Then comes alcohol. The reason I think I am willful (apart from the above) is that when I spent time at Capri Hospital in Auckland I thought I could get away with breaking the rules. It is hard to bullshit a bullshiter when all the staff are recovering addicts themselves! They know the length people will go to. Anyway, I used to sneak wine in on shopping days. I would deliberately hide the wine and then have a negative breath test (of course) and then go and discretely (so I thought) consume it without anyone noticing. For goodness sake, I was only fooling myself and I got caught out 3 times and chucked out. I got away with it for a bit but once they cottoned onto me they were all over me. I through tantrums, pleaded innocent, begged and pleaded but to no avail. I screwed it up but wanted instant forgiveness and tried anything -If this is not willful behaviour I don't know what is.
My mum is coming around for lunch tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it because it is the first time she has been to my house since we had a "blow-up" in April. It seems like a lifetime ago and it feels like it has taken an eternity for her to forgive me. Again, I wanted instant forgiveness but life doesn't work that way.
Well, I am pleased I managed to rewrite this without deleting it this time. I have been summoned to watch the rugby but that is Ok at least I am wanted and I can distract myself my playing Candy Crush or something. I might even make a few meaningless comments. Lets hope I get the right player in the right team.
I am trying not to think of my 15 year old and what state she will be in. At least, I hope, I wont have to see it as she is staying over with a friend. Definately a girl this week as I have checked and double checked. I say, I hope, because there was an incident when she was bought home by the police drunk one night and was rude and obnoxious (a mirror of me apparently) and ended spending a night in the police cells. Been there too. Not proud of that either.
Rugby is calling. Looking forward to reporting in tomorrow as how my day goes. Keep on viewing and commenting and even following (I have 3 followers now) as it really is helping me. Keep safe and sober :).
Anyway, I would like to that all you lovely people that are showing me support by commenting on my blog. I have replied to all of your lovely comments :) . I am also very grateful for the suggestions that people have made as well.
What did I do today? Well it is 7.25pm and I have just got my pjs on and sitting on the upstairs computer while my husband and son are gearing up to watch the rugby - boring !!
It was a normal Saturday as far as shopping and housework goes. No netball today as both my girls had birthday parties to go to. We have just picked our 13 year old up from her friends 14th birthday where they went and played "bubble soccer" - never heard of it but sounds like she had fun.
My 15 year old is at a 16 year birthday party and yes, there is alcohol. That scares the living daylights out of me as I am terrified that she is going to turn into me at a young age. You see, she is a mirror image of my behaviour which is the bad aspect of my behaviour. The difference is that I only started drinking and exhibiting bad behaviour when I was 40 - I am now 48. I only hope that she has enough sense that she thinks about what alcohol has done to her and can see what is has done to me and choses not to go down that path. At the end of the day, I cannot control her anymore. In fact, I can't control anyone except myself and how I chose to react to situations. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have (well in the process) of accepting that I am a :control freak:. I so hate that work but when I think about it, for me, it means that I always want to be involved in the outcome and want things done my way. My way hasn't worked so well for me lately so I guess it is time to be realistic and try and unlearn this behaviour and "chill out". Me "chill out" I don't know that I know how. Blogging is certainly helping because it is focusing my mind on doing something positive.
I also went to an AA meeting today. I quite like the meetings because they force you sit quietly and listen to other people. There is always, always something positive I take away. I feel like a bit of an AA failure really because all that is required, supposedly, is a desire to stop drinking. Well I have had a desire to stop drinking for quite sometime but I obviously haven't been willing enough. Anyway, when it was my turn to share I mentioned that I thought I was a very willful person. There has been positives in my life with this trait the best one being that I wanted an accountancy degree and I worked hard to get it. It did not come easy for me but I was determined to get the degree and I aimed to graduate my year as "top graduate". I achieved this. Goodness knows how as I had never been top at anything in my life - just Jo average. I was very proud of this and held down some really good jobs because I was willing to suceed. Then comes alcohol. The reason I think I am willful (apart from the above) is that when I spent time at Capri Hospital in Auckland I thought I could get away with breaking the rules. It is hard to bullshit a bullshiter when all the staff are recovering addicts themselves! They know the length people will go to. Anyway, I used to sneak wine in on shopping days. I would deliberately hide the wine and then have a negative breath test (of course) and then go and discretely (so I thought) consume it without anyone noticing. For goodness sake, I was only fooling myself and I got caught out 3 times and chucked out. I got away with it for a bit but once they cottoned onto me they were all over me. I through tantrums, pleaded innocent, begged and pleaded but to no avail. I screwed it up but wanted instant forgiveness and tried anything -If this is not willful behaviour I don't know what is.
My mum is coming around for lunch tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it because it is the first time she has been to my house since we had a "blow-up" in April. It seems like a lifetime ago and it feels like it has taken an eternity for her to forgive me. Again, I wanted instant forgiveness but life doesn't work that way.
Well, I am pleased I managed to rewrite this without deleting it this time. I have been summoned to watch the rugby but that is Ok at least I am wanted and I can distract myself my playing Candy Crush or something. I might even make a few meaningless comments. Lets hope I get the right player in the right team.
I am trying not to think of my 15 year old and what state she will be in. At least, I hope, I wont have to see it as she is staying over with a friend. Definately a girl this week as I have checked and double checked. I say, I hope, because there was an incident when she was bought home by the police drunk one night and was rude and obnoxious (a mirror of me apparently) and ended spending a night in the police cells. Been there too. Not proud of that either.
Rugby is calling. Looking forward to reporting in tomorrow as how my day goes. Keep on viewing and commenting and even following (I have 3 followers now) as it really is helping me. Keep safe and sober :).
Friday 4 July 2014
Friday 4 July 2014
Time is 9.39am. Well I missed out on blogging yesterday because I got the "poor mees" which ended in "pouring a drink" so back to day 1 again - I am so sick of it but at least by writing it down I am not fooling myself. I cannot fool anyone else anymore as they all know the signs the biggest thing is that I continually fool myself. I did not get drunk but I know from past experience it is not far away. It pisses me off so much that my first point of call is that bloody bottle. I don't even like the taste of it! My mum suggested that when things get too much read the blog from day one. Bloody good idea I say so why don't I do it? I really don't know. Maybe I want to wallo in self-pity. Maybe that is what I believe I deserve. That is my alcoholic brain coming into play. My sensible brain says "come on girl".
Someone commented the other day that you need to unlearn the behaviour and that is so so true. But the key is, being willing to unlearn the old behaviour and learn new behaviour. When I think I am ready and determined then something (quite often minor) pops up and I think "bugger it - it is all too hard" and off I go to get my poison. That is very cowardly and gosh I am a strong willed person but let this evil substance interfere with my life.
Anyhow, going back to my blog the other day where I said I scrapped the glass and just drank out of the bottle I had a couple of interesting comments that trigger a memory that any one that is struggling might relate too.
Well, another embarrassing confession - it does me good to offlaod and as I have said it is primarily for my benefit and if it helps or resinates with others that is a bonus. I very often used to get multiple bottles of wine and hide them around the house and guzzle them before my husband would get home from work. I always had a stash because if one was found I would have a security blanket. Reading this it is pure insanity. Anyway he would get home from work and I would say "how was your day" I don't think it came out like that as I was most likely slurring my words and holding myself up against the bench. I would make some sort of disaster for dinner so that I could sit down and pretend to be civilised and sip my wine. Half the time I don't think I even got food into my mouth. Normal behaviour? I don't think so.
I don't know if anyone has seen Robin Williams but he is also an alcoholic. Anyhow, in one of his gigs he says - Out drinking.... woke up in the morning and who shat in my pants? That is a reality and I have been caught short several times and even though you I might not care or remember other people do.
Not very long ago I was in the Warehouse in Queensgate, Lower Hutt and this strange lady came up to me and said hello Cherie (My real name as Mary is an alias) I hope you are ok today I spent three hours with you calming you down and talking to you. I did not remember a thing. That is so bloody scary.
I am on a roll now and have been sitting here offloading for almost an hour. God it feels good. My middle child is late for school again and two of her friends are here who are also late. Well all I can do is encourage However, they chuck my behaviour back in my face -a why wouldn't they - it is a defense mechanism. These girls are capable, good looking but lacking so much self esteem. It is the last day of term and we have a challenge tonight because of the antics of our middle child.
I have just noticed that my middle child has cut herself again! I thought we got through that. Not bad but like alcohol a little bit turns into a big bit.
Ok so what I have got planned for today? Well sun is shining things are cleaned up - sort of. I was going to do a whole heap around the house but once I saw the cuts I feel like going and getting a bloody drink. Will that solve anything?
It is 11.43am . I am now really depressed. Is it ok for a mum to drink? I feel very angry because I am not good at emotional stuff. I have actually had to dig down in my past.
Wednesday 2 July 2014
Wednesday 2 July 2014
Well, it is Wednesday and time is 11.22 am. I would like to say a huge "thank you" to those of you who are viewing my blogs and especially everyone who has commented. Once I got my girls to school - late as usual - not my problem. I have been sitting on the computer reading the comments that all you lovely people have posted. I have replied to them all this morning and it has given me a great boost for today. My son still in bed but frankly I don't care anymore (at the moment).
I just had a phone call from a good friend of mine that I have met through AA and she is keen to do something similar. I think it is great because this week - although not perfect - has been so much better than previous weeks and it is all because I am documenting (for my benefit really) how things are going. If it helps others that is such a bonus too.
I have Mrs D to thank for that as she was so very brave coming out in public about her struggle. There are so many of us that are struggling everyday and sometimes (for me anyway) every hour!
The problem for me is that my drink of choice is wine and it is so readily avaliable at supermarkets, dairies, liquor stores. I don't frequent liquor stores but do go to the supermarket regularly. For me, as you walk in the door what do I see - wine, wine, wine. I find it so hard to walk past it. Why can't they have it hidden away so have to make an effort to seek it out, especially when you are struggling like me . Would that make a difference - I don't know?
Anyway my mum had a great idea which I have been trying (half-heartly- I have to admit but will get more focused every day) write down the savings I have made by not buying wine on a daily basis. Sometimes I would buy two bottles and wonder why I am bloated and can't fit into any clothes. Does not really help the self-esteem. Someone commented yesterday that it is a horrendus rollercoaster and they are so correct.
I feel so much more positive today and although I have not done anything around the house I have not been to the supermarket either. I took my girls to school in my slippers and they were mortified but that meant (for me) I would not dare go anywhere near supermarket in my slippers.
I will check in later. Keep the support coming it is a two-way street really because we can support each other :) xx
Time is now 4.46pm and I am so much more positive today. Apart from the horrid weather with rain and hail the house is warm. I feel warm too thanks to all the positive support. My husband is about to get home from work and I know he always dreads it as he never knows what he is walking into. That must be so horrible for him and I am so very lucky he has stuck with me. If the shoe was on the "other - foot" I would have left him years ago. There must be something positive he sees in me. Maybe it is just hope.
He explained to me, not very long ago, that he would be cowardly to give up as he vowed (at our wedding) to stick by me in sickness and in health. Alcohol dependance is a sickness. It is mental obession and I physically cannot put down the drink once I start (for me anyway). I don't know about others struggling but I find it so weird that "normal drinkers" can have a glass of wine with dinner and then put the bottle back or even worse have one drink of spirits for the evening and not even finish it. Why would you do that? I really don't understand just like they probably don't understand why I need to ensure that every drop of alcohol has been consumed. Gosh I am so embarrassed to say this but this a fact. Wine glasses and being civilised went out of the window a long time ago. Screw the glass (too many dishes) just drink out of the bottle. This is something I am very ashamed of but I wonder how many other people have resorted to drinking their drink of choice out of the bottle.
Anyway off to make dinner and will check in before bed to finish off the blog for today. Hold on to all those struggling - we can do this :) xx
I just had a phone call from a good friend of mine that I have met through AA and she is keen to do something similar. I think it is great because this week - although not perfect - has been so much better than previous weeks and it is all because I am documenting (for my benefit really) how things are going. If it helps others that is such a bonus too.
I have Mrs D to thank for that as she was so very brave coming out in public about her struggle. There are so many of us that are struggling everyday and sometimes (for me anyway) every hour!
The problem for me is that my drink of choice is wine and it is so readily avaliable at supermarkets, dairies, liquor stores. I don't frequent liquor stores but do go to the supermarket regularly. For me, as you walk in the door what do I see - wine, wine, wine. I find it so hard to walk past it. Why can't they have it hidden away so have to make an effort to seek it out, especially when you are struggling like me . Would that make a difference - I don't know?
Anyway my mum had a great idea which I have been trying (half-heartly- I have to admit but will get more focused every day) write down the savings I have made by not buying wine on a daily basis. Sometimes I would buy two bottles and wonder why I am bloated and can't fit into any clothes. Does not really help the self-esteem. Someone commented yesterday that it is a horrendus rollercoaster and they are so correct.
I feel so much more positive today and although I have not done anything around the house I have not been to the supermarket either. I took my girls to school in my slippers and they were mortified but that meant (for me) I would not dare go anywhere near supermarket in my slippers.
I will check in later. Keep the support coming it is a two-way street really because we can support each other :) xx
Time is now 4.46pm and I am so much more positive today. Apart from the horrid weather with rain and hail the house is warm. I feel warm too thanks to all the positive support. My husband is about to get home from work and I know he always dreads it as he never knows what he is walking into. That must be so horrible for him and I am so very lucky he has stuck with me. If the shoe was on the "other - foot" I would have left him years ago. There must be something positive he sees in me. Maybe it is just hope.
He explained to me, not very long ago, that he would be cowardly to give up as he vowed (at our wedding) to stick by me in sickness and in health. Alcohol dependance is a sickness. It is mental obession and I physically cannot put down the drink once I start (for me anyway). I don't know about others struggling but I find it so weird that "normal drinkers" can have a glass of wine with dinner and then put the bottle back or even worse have one drink of spirits for the evening and not even finish it. Why would you do that? I really don't understand just like they probably don't understand why I need to ensure that every drop of alcohol has been consumed. Gosh I am so embarrassed to say this but this a fact. Wine glasses and being civilised went out of the window a long time ago. Screw the glass (too many dishes) just drink out of the bottle. This is something I am very ashamed of but I wonder how many other people have resorted to drinking their drink of choice out of the bottle.
Anyway off to make dinner and will check in before bed to finish off the blog for today. Hold on to all those struggling - we can do this :) xx
Tuesday 1 July 2014
Tuesday 1 July 2014.
Thank you to those lovely people who have commented on my blog and are now following me. I feel like I have got so well needed support.
Well today is Tuesday and the time is 10.25am and I have had a crap morning. All three of my children have played up this morning and as I am writing this I have my 15 year old daughter crying in her room - and won't tell me what is wrong. Maybe the boyfriend who is actually 19 has realised she is only 15 and has dumped her - well here is hoping! My 13 year old daughter has locked herself in the lounge crying. She was a terrible toddler with tantrums you could not imagine. Well, we had one of these this morning - I got angry with her and told her she was being childish as she locked herself in the bathroom for almost an hour because she is too tired to go to school! Then along comes my 17 year old son well, he bashes on the bathroom door and shouts (and I mean shouts) "you pathetic girl get out of the bathroom or I will break the door down and drag you out by the hair". I was not pleased!! The only positive that came out of that is that she did come out of the bathroom and got dressed for school but is so upset she can't actually go to school. I was scared the police were going to arrive - again.
So here I am, sitting on the upstairs computer desparate to go and get a drink and really, really fighting the urge. I have already been to supermarket this morning and what a drama that was. I got abused by my son because he thought I had bought wine in amongst other things - which I hadn't. Called me selfish because he wants me to drive him to get his hair cut at 1.15pm. I had to blow into the breath tester about 7 times before he would believe that I hadn't been drinking! I offered to blow into it to prove I had not been drinking but he did not believe me.
Anyway, it is now 11.15am and both girls have stopped crying. My mum texted me this morning and said ignore all the crap. Easier said than done but I have tried!
Well it is now 2.51pm and I have given in. I feel so guilty and angry. I had a whole bottle of wine but tipped it out. God that was so hard. I can use anyone or anything as an excuse but I chose to pick up the drink. Bugger, bugger bugger. I am so very angry I don't know what to do with myself. My 15 year old has been politely asked to leave school my 13 year old did not go to school because she was tired and scared of my son. I give up really I want to cry and scream but what good would that do?
Well today is Tuesday and the time is 10.25am and I have had a crap morning. All three of my children have played up this morning and as I am writing this I have my 15 year old daughter crying in her room - and won't tell me what is wrong. Maybe the boyfriend who is actually 19 has realised she is only 15 and has dumped her - well here is hoping! My 13 year old daughter has locked herself in the lounge crying. She was a terrible toddler with tantrums you could not imagine. Well, we had one of these this morning - I got angry with her and told her she was being childish as she locked herself in the bathroom for almost an hour because she is too tired to go to school! Then along comes my 17 year old son well, he bashes on the bathroom door and shouts (and I mean shouts) "you pathetic girl get out of the bathroom or I will break the door down and drag you out by the hair". I was not pleased!! The only positive that came out of that is that she did come out of the bathroom and got dressed for school but is so upset she can't actually go to school. I was scared the police were going to arrive - again.
So here I am, sitting on the upstairs computer desparate to go and get a drink and really, really fighting the urge. I have already been to supermarket this morning and what a drama that was. I got abused by my son because he thought I had bought wine in amongst other things - which I hadn't. Called me selfish because he wants me to drive him to get his hair cut at 1.15pm. I had to blow into the breath tester about 7 times before he would believe that I hadn't been drinking! I offered to blow into it to prove I had not been drinking but he did not believe me.
Anyway, it is now 11.15am and both girls have stopped crying. My mum texted me this morning and said ignore all the crap. Easier said than done but I have tried!
Well it is now 2.51pm and I have given in. I feel so guilty and angry. I had a whole bottle of wine but tipped it out. God that was so hard. I can use anyone or anything as an excuse but I chose to pick up the drink. Bugger, bugger bugger. I am so very angry I don't know what to do with myself. My 15 year old has been politely asked to leave school my 13 year old did not go to school because she was tired and scared of my son. I give up really I want to cry and scream but what good would that do?
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