Friday, 21 October 2016

When Will It Ever End?

Friday 21 October 2016

It has been almost 18 months since I opened my Blogs and I have been sitting here on a cold and rainy Spring day reading through them. They are actually quite enlightening about my feelings at certain times.

Time has passed and I am now 50 and I have been struggling with this horrible poison for 15 years. My youngest is almost 16 and all she has known is that her mum is a raging drunk.

My question to myself is "when will it stop?" the answer is "when I make it!!". At what point do I think that I have hit the "low of the low". My Son has gone to Auckland to work to get away from me (he is almost 20) and would rather spend Christmas by himself than come home to see me, my middle child is almost 18 and she makes any excuse not to come home, my husband 26 years dreads coming home as he does not know if I will sober (unlikely during the week), a bit drunk or absolutely blotto and obnoxious. My brother, whom I was close to until about 3 years ago, has completed scrubbed me from his life and the only time we communicate is to abuse each other, my mother has been very unwell and I was caring for her for 3 months after surgery and all went well until I picked up the dreaded poison again. We still have a loving relationship but she has told me that if I even sniff alcohol or have a sip and I not to ring her or see her. I have lost numerous jobs (although I did have one for 11 months and they suspected I was drinking at work but could never prove it but since then I have not been able to hold down a job.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am supposedly of high intelligence but absolutely stupid when it comes to ruining my life and eveyone around me as well.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Monday 5th January 2015 - A Brand New Year.

Well, I can honestly say I have been sober all year so far! In, fact my last drink was 15th December 2014 which makes me 3 weeks sober today :).

Christmas and New Year celebrations were very quiet with just my mum, hubby and kids. Since I am on curfew from 7am until 7pm everyday until 18th April it has meant that we have not been able to go away or go out in the evenings. It has been OK though, as we have been sitting down and watching DVDs every night when there has been nothing on TV.

Hubby goes back to work next Monday so that I am hoping that I can continue to be strong and not revert to my old habits. I am more confident this time around because I really don't want to mess up again.

This Saturday coming (10th Jan) my daughter is having her 16th Birthday party at our house. I know that there will be alcohol here (normally our house is strictly alcohol free) but I am confident that it won't be a temptation for me. All the guests will be out in the garage and in the back yard and I will be busy organising food so won't even think about alcohol.

My goal for next week is get stuck into my Community Work, exercise and spend as much quality time with the kids before they go back to school. I am also absolutely determined to secure another job and this time keep it. Nowhere in this features even the thought of alcohol. I really hope that this time I will succeed.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Monday, 22 December 2014 - I Feel a Calm Upon Me Now.

Well, here I am sitting at the computer at 10.05pm on a Monday evening which happens to be the longest day over here in sunny New Zealand. It has just got dark and it is humid but I am sober and I am calm and generally happy.

Last Friday 19th December 2014 it was time for me to be sentenced by the courts for effectively my 4th drink driving offence. I was duly sentenced and really was lucky I was not off to jail. I have a new piece of jewelry around my ankle for four months whilst I am on curfew from 7pm to 7am 7 days per week. The jewelry is bulky and very obvious and I feel like an animal being tracked but that is the consequences of my behavior which was fueled by alcohol. It is certainly better than the alternative and although it is a nuisance to my family because we cannot go away (as a family) anywhere until the end of April 2015 it is not the end of the world and I will just have to wear trousers during the summer when I go out anywhere.

I also lost my licence for 1 year and 1 day as well got 100 hours community work but that is Ok. The best thing about this whole situation is that I feel this absolute determination never ever to drink again. I have said this before and meant it but had the nagging voice in my head and eventually given into the alcohol after a few days. This time, every time that nagging voice appears I tell it to "fuck off and leave me alone" and it does. I have only been sober 7 days again so far but, I feel that for the very first time ever, the desire to drink has finally gone.

It was quite funny after court last Friday. I had to report into Probation and I was sitting in the waiting room. A young man comes up to me as says "Miss, are you a Probation Officer?", I say "no, I am not a Probation Officer!". He says, "wow, you don't look like a criminal, you look like a normal person!". I say, "Ok, what does a criminal look like? I am a normal person, just like you, but I have made some mistakes and have to suffer the consequences". He just looked at me a did not know what to say and walked away and sat down. For me, that was my turning point in my thinking and my absolute hatred for alcohol. Alcohol does not care whether you look like a normal person or a criminal. Alcohol, if you let it, will inhibit your ability to make sensible decision and inhibit your behaviour so that you will do things way out of character from what you would normally do sober. Not anymore - not for me anyway.

I am back and I am back to stay and this is the new beginning of me recreating myself. Watch this space :)

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Yes I am Alive. Thursday 11 December 2014

Gosh I have been so remiss. With myself primarily but depression has set in big time. I am trying to drag myself out of a big black hole - yet again. How many of these big black holes are there and really how do you get yourself out when you are feeling so low?

In a  nutshell, my past, yet again has come and bit me in the ass.

About 6 weeks ago I was offered a job and I was thrilled. First time I had employment for 5 years but......
I was not 100% honest about my past convictions and, frankly I doubt if I would have had a "look-in" if  was honest. Because I had to go back to court two weeks ago and maybe now sentence to Electronic monitoring with an anklet I am so gutted and my employer was contacted and they "let me go".  I feel like I am a sex offender/murder or worse not that I am an alcoholic struggling with this hideous disease. Today I have the "fuck its"!

It all stems from alcohol!

In April, I blasted up to my brothers' house on the pretense to "make amends" but he was not ready and I was angry - "why should  they not listen to me? Duh - it is not all about me". So I bashed on the door, took wine with me and then sat in the car. They called the police, I was a bitch and refused to leave and the rest is history, For them, but  really real for us, as next week (just on Christmas time) I will be restricted as to what I can and cannot do. Means we can't go away to see my hubby elderly parents and frankly, can't go anywhere at all. I am likely not to be able to help hubby get the girls from a party (I am normally the pacifier) he is the grumpy bunny that no one wants. eek.

I am alive and so I guess that is a bonus. Come on Cherie - get a grip girl.  I am so tired but I can't sleep. It is now 3..20pm and my middle child is asking for me. It is just so I say yes because I am constantly guilty. My youngest is home asking me to take her to do this or that. My son is yelling at me because the technician took a cord out of the tv. Off to pretend everything is "fine and dandy" - yeah right

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Saturday, 8th November 2014 - Mostly An Awesome Week - Long May it Continue!!

Here I am sitting at the computer at 5.40pm on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon and I really don't know where the week has gone! It is not because I have been drinking all week because I have not.

Some interesting things have happened to me this week, some good and some, well, challenging.

So I will start from the beginning of the week and work forward - that is logical for me :)

Monday was my first official Monday working where I started doing some "hands- on" things for my new job. It all went swimmingly well until I got home from work. My middle child had asked for a couple of friends (5 to be exact) to stay over and we agreed that it would be OK on the pretence that they behaved. All was going well but after dinner they asked if we could drop them to a friend's house as he was going away and was having a farewell party (no alcohol and parent supervision). Being a Monday night and most people having work or school the next day we did not think that would be a problem because we were going to pick them up. All was great until 11pm! Then girls decided they wanted to stay at a friends house. That was OK but at 2am daughter rings to ask if we could open the door for her and her friend who came home because they had an argument with the other girls. Then at 6am another girl came knocking at our door to be let in because she also had an argument with the girls and had been awake all night! Not much sleep that night but I did not have work so I could sleep in but poor hubby had to go to work. Other parents weren't that happy that girls did not stay at ours when they were supposed to.

Tuesday - afternoon when they woke up they I had a "chat" with them about expectations. The problem was I had had a couple of drinks before hand so they took no notice of course. Did not end out to be a good day!

Wednesday - I woke up to a frosty reception (as to be expected) and a massive temper tantrum from my almost 14 year old! Yep, pay back and it certainly was. I was trying to be calm and reasonable because I had to get to work as my boss had come up from Christchurch (1 hour flight) at around 7am to get a progress report! My daughter begged me not to go to work but I just had to and I was strong enough that I just walked away and went to work. I rang her from work and told her I loved her and that I would be proud of her if she just got going and went to school - she eventually did that and what a relief that was. The day was very productive and I had a nice surprise when I got home from work. I jumped on my emails and there was an email from a Rehab Centre in Florida asking if I would write an article! At first I laughed and thought it to be a hoax but then I checked out the links and it is an actual Rehab! I was flattered but I thought why me? I can't write to save myself! All I do here is just blurt out whatever is in my head with no real structure. I haven't written and article in my life! I have a degree in Accounting not in Journalism or English! So I said yes I would have a go if it is going to help someone else. I was very honest with the fact that I still struggle on a daily basis to be sober but I have had far more sobriety and a lot less drunken incidents since I have been on social media than before hand.

Thursday - After a nice quiet and peaceful Wednesday night and a half pie decent sleep I was off to work happy. No temper tantrums or dramas just my youngest dragging her feet to get to school because she is not keen on whatever she had first spell. Anyway, it was pouring with rain and I left in a rush and got part way down the motorway and discovered I had left a very necessary part of my work behind. My laptop!!! So, I have to drive to the closest exit and then drive home to get the laptop and turn around and head back to work. I got in late and they were worrying that I might have decided I don't want the job! No such luck I thought - they are not getting rid of me that easy. Another nice day at work but I had to work later to make up the time but that was OK. I decided to stop at the supermarket on the way home to get a couple of necessary things and then checked my phone and had a "odd" message from one of my middle childs' friends mother. She sent me a text asking me to "help her because she was drunk and had spent all of her money and needed to go back for some respite at a care centre" (She is in the process of having a major Bi- Polar incident). She was in a bar and I thought "well this is going to be interesting". I bought myself a drink of lime and soda which I was really pleased about because it would have been so easy to buy and alternative and she was trying to force me to drink with her. (Sounds like something I would do if I wanted an excuse to get drunk but did not want to drink alone). The fact that I was in a bar created panic for my family but I managed to extract myself from the bar and told her I would come back and get her and take her back to the hospital. Talk about difficult - man drunk people can be a pain in the arse!! It was interesting and extremely frustrating being on the other side of the drinking situation. Long story short - we managed to get the hospital to come and pick her up from her house and I finally got back to my family at 8.30pm. I was sober but I was emotionally exhausted.

Friday - Got to work at 9am which was a small miracle because my youngest was excellent and happy and at school on time. It was my last day with the Accountant that was finishing up and there were a lot of distractions with people saying 'goodbye" etc, All in all it was a good day but just as I was about to wish her goodbye and good luck (as you do) the CEO turns up to take her out for farewell drinks. It was time for me to meet and greet him and he was insistent that I stay behind for one drink. He poured me a glass of wine and my brain was having a brawl! One side was saying "go on drink it, you know you want to" and the other side is saying "if you drink that it will all be down hill because you won't be able to stop". I had a couple of sips and then forced myself to make an excuse to leave as I needed to pick up a child (lies, lies but good lies - if there is such a thing). I left but just having a taste for the wine my alcoholic brain was going "stop and get some more it was yummy and you really want more don't you?". It took all my strength to just drive home and I was proud of myself  and Iwas honest with my family and thought that they would be pleased with the decision I made but, no they were furious that I even considered taking a few sips. After all, zero is the right number isn't it? They are right because I know my alcoholic brain will trick me into thinking that if I can just have a few sips then I can drink "normally". Hello? When have I ever been able to "drink normally" in the last few years? Food for thought.

Anyway, that was my week and now we start again - I wonder what this week will bring?

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Sunday 2 November 2014 - A Brand New Me.

These posts are getting seemingly more spread out but it is not because I am in the throws of drinking as it would have been in the past. It is because I feel like a brand new person.

I had my first week at my new job and I love the fact that I have a purpose. I can get up in the morning and have a shower and get dressed into respectable clothes (rather my normal sloppy ones), put some make up on and head off to a job which I can tell will be very fulfilling.

I have been motivated and organised and present all week and it is a wonderful feeling, The dynamics in my house have changed dramatically. People aren't walking around on "eggshells" not knowing how others are going to react if I have been drinking, how I will react to their reactions etc. A calmness has settled in and even the dogs are quieter and more content.

I have been out shopping today with hubby for a bit of retail therapy because all my lovely work clothes of the past are far too small. I really have let myself go and am now on a mission to get back into some of these clothes by losing 20kgs. That is my goal. But, I am not going to beat myself about it and become depressed because that just creates a cycle that repeats a downhill slide and I am on the way up this time and heading in a much more positive direction.

The only real concerning thing about the new job is the preparation for Christmas activities. Unfortunately, I am part of the management team which is expected to attend functions. The first one is in a couple of weeks and it is a lunch and a wine tasting and a tour of 4 vineyards. I am getting pressure from my family not to attend because of the obvious temptation and on the other hand, I am getting pressure from my new boss to attend to be seen as wanting to be part of the organisation management structure. I do not really want to come straight out and say "I am scared to go as I am an alcoholic in early sobriety". Why? Well, I don't know these people from a "bar of soap" and am not sure what impact that would have on me in the organisation. On the other hand, I don't want to go and get tempted, get plastered and make a fool of myself as that is sure to have a very negative impact on me. What to do, what to do?

I am not going to stress about it at the moment because I have some time to formulate a plan. The easiest thing to do is make an excuse to not go but part of me wants to go to prove to myself that I can do it.  The big question is can I do it?

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Sunday, 26th October 2014 - I feel like a new person.

The events of the last couple of weeks have taken a positive toll on me and I have finally been offered and accepted a job. Now that I know how hard it was to get a job I am certainly not going to jeopardise it by drinking and screwing it up. Thankfully, the job is away from any temptation not close to any bars or supermarkets and straight off the motorway in the suburbs. I know that I will be successful this time. I just know it.

I have also spent the last two weeks doing a volunteer work at the local Hospice Shop for one morning a week. I am thrilled that my new job will not take me away from the volunteer work as I will be working 4 days for paid work and one morning volunteering giving me an afternoon to catch up on chores before the weekend. I will be busy, but I need to be because the "not been busy" or not feeling like I had a purpose has fuelled the drinking over the years and the longer I have been out of work the lower my self-esteem went, the less motivated I was and therefore the more I drank.

I am back to day 3 again today but that is Ok. I am confident that I can avoid the dreaded alcohol from now on as it is my only chance to get my career back on track.

Today has been a very productive day with hubby and I and our youngest outside in the garden cleaning up. I was really pleased with my youngest child as she normally slops around the house on the weekend in pjs, watching tv and eating but today she motivated herself and was up and dressed by 10am! Yesterday she decided that should would help me and did some vacuuming and washed the floors and then got inspired and mowed the lawns. She did a great job of everything and I told her how much we appreciated her efforts and how much we enjoyed pottering around with her.

My son also lifted his butt yesterday and helped hubby lay concrete.  My middle child has spent most of the weekend away but she is coming home early tomorrow (midday) because it is a public holiday and she has been told she needs to come and chip in as well.

I am actually really surprised because we have not had the normal grumbling and I think that everyone is feeling the positive energy of me finally securing a job. I think it has lifted everyones spirits.

But, and there is a big but, I need to keep focused, not get stressed, live in the moment, not buy into other peoples bullshit and visit my sober cyber community and blog as often as I can and support as many people as I can. I know what I am like that if I get stressed or complacent because that is when I put myself in danger and then get the "Fuck its" and the rest is a disaster.

This is definately a new beginning for me and my family and I feel really positive about it.