Wednesday, 15th October 2014 - My First Day as a Volunteer :)

It has been a while since I posted and I really need to discipline myself to post more regularly because it is really helpful for me to get everything out of my head.

I was just reading a post by Granny Gets Sober and I had to laugh because she mentioned how her brain has "Mexican Stand off's" at regular intervals. I can so relate to that where one part of my brain is saying "drink" and the other part is saying "don't". Unfortunately the side that says "drink" tends to win more often than not but not today.

I decided a few weeks back that my brain is rotting. Not just because of alcohol but also because of lack of stimulation and adult company so I decided to phone up the local hospice and see if I could help in any way. They were delighted but I was very open and honest with them about my drinking issue. I specifically said that I did not want to be around or know about any alcohol because it would be too tempting. They have alcohol on site because if the patients want "a whiskey with breakfast" they get to have it no questions asked.

They decided that I would be a good person to work at the Hospice Shop which sells good quality (and I mean good quality) second hand goods. Mostly clothes but very well cared for ones. I have just spent my first morning there today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The work was menial - pricing and folding clothes and linen - but the ladies (mostly all volunteers) are lovely and I felt very welcome and for once I felt young again. I was the baby and I am pushing 49! Today gave me some much needed enrichment into my life and a purpose. I even went out yesterday afternoon a bought a couple of tops and a pair of shoes. I wore one of the tops, the shoes and some make-up and I felt like a brand new women. No alcohol for me today - I haven't even thought of it and I have been to the supermarket. I feel I am in a different "head-space" today.

I managed to be present for my 15 year old daughter today who rang me in tears to say that one of her friend hung himself on Monday night! This was a big shock to her as he had only just turned 15 himself. She rang me when I was volunteering to ask if she could join in with another 3 kids and go and see he body and say goodbye. At first I was reluctant because everyone I know finds it very upsetting to see a dead body and especially one that had his whole life in front of him. The school gave them some time off and has offered counselling if needbe. They caught the bus over to his house (he is at home and not in a funeral parlour) and I texted to say that I would come and pick therm up. I am really pleased I did because they appeared to really appreciate it and it gave them some time to compose themselves before heading back to school. If I was drinking today there would be no way that I would of offered to go and pick them up as I would have been too self - centred and wouldn't care less. I am planning just to be there for my daughter tonight to listen to her if she wants to tell me about her feelings and how she coped with seeing a friend so young dead. I am hoping that she wont go and  cut herself as that appears to be the way she copes. Unfortunately, that leaves physical obvious scares which she will have for life.

All I know is that today I am grateful to be alive and thankful that I am not a parent of the boy who hung himself. That would be absolutely devastating to lose a child and especially to suicide.

Today is a good day to be alive.