Friday 21 October 2016
It has been almost 18 months since I opened my Blogs and I have been sitting here on a cold and rainy Spring day reading through them. They are actually quite enlightening about my feelings at certain times.
Time has passed and I am now 50 and I have been struggling with this horrible poison for 15 years. My youngest is almost 16 and all she has known is that her mum is a raging drunk.
My question to myself is "when will it stop?" the answer is "when I make it!!". At what point do I think that I have hit the "low of the low". My Son has gone to Auckland to work to get away from me (he is almost 20) and would rather spend Christmas by himself than come home to see me, my middle child is almost 18 and she makes any excuse not to come home, my husband 26 years dreads coming home as he does not know if I will sober (unlikely during the week), a bit drunk or absolutely blotto and obnoxious. My brother, whom I was close to until about 3 years ago, has completed scrubbed me from his life and the only time we communicate is to abuse each other, my mother has been very unwell and I was caring for her for 3 months after surgery and all went well until I picked up the dreaded poison again. We still have a loving relationship but she has told me that if I even sniff alcohol or have a sip and I not to ring her or see her. I have lost numerous jobs (although I did have one for 11 months and they suspected I was drinking at work but could never prove it but since then I have not been able to hold down a job.
What the hell is wrong with me? I am supposedly of high intelligence but absolutely stupid when it comes to ruining my life and eveyone around me as well.