Monday, 22 December 2014 - I Feel a Calm Upon Me Now.

Well, here I am sitting at the computer at 10.05pm on a Monday evening which happens to be the longest day over here in sunny New Zealand. It has just got dark and it is humid but I am sober and I am calm and generally happy.

Last Friday 19th December 2014 it was time for me to be sentenced by the courts for effectively my 4th drink driving offence. I was duly sentenced and really was lucky I was not off to jail. I have a new piece of jewelry around my ankle for four months whilst I am on curfew from 7pm to 7am 7 days per week. The jewelry is bulky and very obvious and I feel like an animal being tracked but that is the consequences of my behavior which was fueled by alcohol. It is certainly better than the alternative and although it is a nuisance to my family because we cannot go away (as a family) anywhere until the end of April 2015 it is not the end of the world and I will just have to wear trousers during the summer when I go out anywhere.

I also lost my licence for 1 year and 1 day as well got 100 hours community work but that is Ok. The best thing about this whole situation is that I feel this absolute determination never ever to drink again. I have said this before and meant it but had the nagging voice in my head and eventually given into the alcohol after a few days. This time, every time that nagging voice appears I tell it to "fuck off and leave me alone" and it does. I have only been sober 7 days again so far but, I feel that for the very first time ever, the desire to drink has finally gone.

It was quite funny after court last Friday. I had to report into Probation and I was sitting in the waiting room. A young man comes up to me as says "Miss, are you a Probation Officer?", I say "no, I am not a Probation Officer!". He says, "wow, you don't look like a criminal, you look like a normal person!". I say, "Ok, what does a criminal look like? I am a normal person, just like you, but I have made some mistakes and have to suffer the consequences". He just looked at me a did not know what to say and walked away and sat down. For me, that was my turning point in my thinking and my absolute hatred for alcohol. Alcohol does not care whether you look like a normal person or a criminal. Alcohol, if you let it, will inhibit your ability to make sensible decision and inhibit your behaviour so that you will do things way out of character from what you would normally do sober. Not anymore - not for me anyway.

I am back and I am back to stay and this is the new beginning of me recreating myself. Watch this space :)

Yes I am Alive. Thursday 11 December 2014

Gosh I have been so remiss. With myself primarily but depression has set in big time. I am trying to drag myself out of a big black hole - yet again. How many of these big black holes are there and really how do you get yourself out when you are feeling so low?

In a  nutshell, my past, yet again has come and bit me in the ass.

About 6 weeks ago I was offered a job and I was thrilled. First time I had employment for 5 years but......
I was not 100% honest about my past convictions and, frankly I doubt if I would have had a "look-in" if  was honest. Because I had to go back to court two weeks ago and maybe now sentence to Electronic monitoring with an anklet I am so gutted and my employer was contacted and they "let me go".  I feel like I am a sex offender/murder or worse not that I am an alcoholic struggling with this hideous disease. Today I have the "fuck its"!

It all stems from alcohol!

In April, I blasted up to my brothers' house on the pretense to "make amends" but he was not ready and I was angry - "why should  they not listen to me? Duh - it is not all about me". So I bashed on the door, took wine with me and then sat in the car. They called the police, I was a bitch and refused to leave and the rest is history, For them, but  really real for us, as next week (just on Christmas time) I will be restricted as to what I can and cannot do. Means we can't go away to see my hubby elderly parents and frankly, can't go anywhere at all. I am likely not to be able to help hubby get the girls from a party (I am normally the pacifier) he is the grumpy bunny that no one wants. eek.


I am alive and so I guess that is a bonus. Come on Cherie - get a grip girl.  I am so tired but I can't sleep. It is now 3..20pm and my middle child is asking for me. It is just so I say yes because I am constantly guilty. My youngest is home asking me to take her to do this or that. My son is yelling at me because the technician took a cord out of the tv. Off to pretend everything is "fine and dandy" - yeah right