Friday 1 August 2014 - Back to Day 1 Again.

Yes that is correct, I gave into the demon and drank yesterday to blot out all of the drama with the girls. Did it help? Absolutely not. I feel like death warmed up this morning and it is self- inflicted. On the positive side I made 6 days which is great so I am now aiming to better that. I was reading some blogs this morning to cheer myself up and one of the blogs mentioned "be kind to yourself". I actually feel like getting my head and bashing it against the wall to knock some sense into me but what would that achieve accept for a massive headache? So I have decided to be kind to myself and not bash my head against the wall but go back and read my positive blogs to remind myself how good I was feeling and how proud of myself I was.

I had the

•  If you weren't a drunk the kids would be better behaved and willing to achieve rather than just plodding along and doing what they want when they want. 
• If you were working it would show the kids some work ethic.
• If you had a spotless house then the kids will follow suit.
• If you didn't drink you would lose the weight you put on and might be able to get into your clothes.

Blah, blah, blah. I agree that lead by example is the best way . Unfortunately, my example has not been great and it is coming back to bite me on the bum. 

Why is it that kids pick on the negative behaviour rather than the positive behaviour? I have positive behaviour too even when I am drinking but no - they pick up on the bad behaviour I exhibit when I am drinking. It is quite shocking to witness this behaviour when I am sober and know that that is how I behaviour when I have had a few too many to drink. Not good.

So instead of beating myself up which just creates a viscous cycle I am going to be positive today and get stuck into some much needed cleaning. It has been really nice getting my middle child to help and she has done the jobs that were annoying me that I hated.  She was willing to do it because I was sober.Like cleaning all the mould off the skylight and windowsills. It looks lovely and she can see the benefit of cleaning and is proud of the outcome. There is hope for her yet. Of course, she does expect money but that is OK because she is normally so lazy. They all are actually. When I was a teenager I always asked mum what I could do to help. My kids moan and groan even to do something like take their plates to the kitchen after dinner. That is my fault because I let them off and over-compensate because of the guilt and remorse I feel about drinking. It does them no good and I fear that I have created monsters as when they leave home they will be incapable of doing anything for themselves. They don't even know how to dry dishes by hand!!  Don't make that my problem.

Despite the weather being foul and a hangover I am trying to shake off I am feeling more positive than I did an hour a go when I first sat down at the computer.

Time to get off my butt and do something positive and productive.

Later

Cherie xx