Gosh I have been so remiss. With myself primarily but depression has set in big time. I am trying to drag myself out of a big black hole - yet again. How many of these big black holes are there and really how do you get yourself out when you are feeling so low?
In a nutshell, my past, yet again has come and bit me in the ass.
About 6 weeks ago I was offered a job and I was thrilled. First time I had employment for 5 years but......
I was not 100% honest about my past convictions and, frankly I doubt if I would have had a "look-in" if was honest. Because I had to go back to court two weeks ago and maybe now sentence to Electronic monitoring with an anklet I am so gutted and my employer was contacted and they "let me go". I feel like I am a sex offender/murder or worse not that I am an alcoholic struggling with this hideous disease. Today I have the "fuck its"!
It all stems from alcohol!
In April, I blasted up to my brothers' house on the pretense to "make amends" but he was not ready and I was angry - "why should they not listen to me? Duh - it is not all about me". So I bashed on the door, took wine with me and then sat in the car. They called the police, I was a bitch and refused to leave and the rest is history, For them, but really real for us, as next week (just on Christmas time) I will be restricted as to what I can and cannot do. Means we can't go away to see my hubby elderly parents and frankly, can't go anywhere at all. I am likely not to be able to help hubby get the girls from a party (I am normally the pacifier) he is the grumpy bunny that no one wants. eek.
I am alive and so I guess that is a bonus. Come on Cherie - get a grip girl. I am so tired but I can't sleep. It is now 3..20pm and my middle child is asking for me. It is just so I say yes because I am constantly guilty. My youngest is home asking me to take her to do this or that. My son is yelling at me because the technician took a cord out of the tv. Off to pretend everything is "fine and dandy" - yeah right
I just saw this Cherie, back to ground zero, eh? A million new beginnings and a wonderful ending; that's your story and mine. Keep at it. Don't drink and blog daily. I am not a great example and but for the Grace of God go I. Have a thoughtful, peaceful Christmas. xoxo
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