Friday 4 July 2014

Time is 9.39am. Well I missed out on blogging yesterday because I got the "poor mees" which ended in "pouring a drink" so back to day 1 again - I am so sick of it but at least by writing it down I am not fooling myself. I cannot fool anyone else anymore as they all know the signs the biggest thing is that I continually fool myself. I did not get drunk but I know from past experience it is not far away. It pisses me off so much that my first point of call is that bloody bottle. I don't even like the taste of it! My mum suggested  that when things get too much read the blog from day one. Bloody good idea I say so why don't I do it? I really don't know. Maybe I want to wallo in self-pity. Maybe that is what I believe I deserve. That is my alcoholic brain coming into play.  My sensible brain says "come on girl".

Someone commented the other day that you need to unlearn the behaviour and that is so so true. But the key is, being willing to unlearn the old behaviour and learn new behaviour. When I think I am ready and determined then something (quite often minor) pops up and I think "bugger it - it is all too hard" and off I go to get my poison. That is very cowardly and gosh I am a strong willed person but let this evil substance interfere with my life.

Anyhow, going back to my blog the other day where I said I scrapped the glass and just drank out of the bottle I had a couple of interesting comments that trigger a memory that any one that is struggling might relate too.

Well, another embarrassing confession - it does me good to offlaod and as I have said it is primarily for my benefit and if it helps or resinates with others that is a bonus. I very often used to get multiple bottles of wine and hide them around the house and guzzle them before my husband would get home from work. I always had a stash because if one was found I would have a security blanket. Reading this it is pure insanity. Anyway he would get home from work and I would say "how was your day" I don't think it came out like that as I was most likely slurring my words and holding myself up against the bench. I would make some sort of disaster for dinner so that I could sit down and pretend to be civilised and sip my wine. Half the time I don't think I even got food into my mouth. Normal behaviour? I don't think so.

I don't know if anyone has seen Robin Williams but he is also an alcoholic. Anyhow, in one of his gigs he says - Out drinking.... woke up in the morning and who shat in my pants? That is a reality and I have been caught short several times and even though you I might not care or remember other people do.

Not very long ago I was in the Warehouse in Queensgate, Lower Hutt and this strange lady came up to me and said hello Cherie (My real name as Mary is an alias) I hope you are ok today I spent three hours with you calming you down and talking to you. I did not remember a thing. That is so bloody scary.

I am on a roll now and have been sitting here offloading for almost an hour. God it feels good. My middle child is late for school again and two of her friends are here who are also late. Well all I can do is encourage However, they chuck my behaviour back in my face -a why wouldn't they - it is a defense mechanism. These girls are capable, good looking but lacking so much self esteem. It is the last day of term and we have a challenge tonight because of the antics of our middle child.

I have just noticed that my middle child has cut herself again! I thought we got through that. Not bad but like alcohol a little bit turns into a big bit.

Ok so what I have got planned for today? Well sun is shining things are cleaned up - sort of. I was going to do a whole heap around the house but once I saw the cuts I feel like going and getting a bloody drink. Will that solve anything?

It is 11.43am . I am now really depressed. Is it ok for a mum to drink? I feel very angry because I am not good at emotional stuff.  I have actually had to dig down in my past.