Here I am after promising myself that I would blog daily this week only just sitting down at the computer to do so. Friday at 12.25pm What does that indicate about me? I can't follow through?, I get distracted and need to focus on what I need to do.
At 10.30am on Sept 12th 2007 we (mum, brother and hubby and I ) made a hard decision to turn off the life-support for dad as he was "brain-dead" after suffering from a massive heart attack two days earlier. It was a horrible thing to do but it was even worse sitting in ICU in a surreal situation waiting for someone to be pronounced clinically dead. My brother said to me "it sucks just waiting for someone to die".
I was the "soldier, the "rock"". The person who made the decisions seem logical to mum and brother. I found out what mum wanted and dealt with the funeral home, I went through the bank accounts and got mum a EFTPOS card and helped her write a cheque out - she could not cope at the time.. I was so bloody strong my boss at the time asked me "are you human, I have never been to a funeral where the daughter did not cry?". I physically could not cry and I felt as if I let my dad down. Dad hated it when I cried he would say "cheriesee, don't cry the world has too much water it needs sunshine and smiles".
My Nana died (I so adored her) at the age of 95 in a nursing home. She was dads mum. The funeral was sad but, lets face it, she was 95 and had a great life. Mum, dad and I were sitting around the dinning room table after the funeral and dad said "next funeral I go to, I will be in the box". He was, 6 weeks after Nana died dad followed!
A month after dad died my drinking hit the wall. Oh, calm collected sensible me could not cope with the fact that my dad "checked out" at 62. I was angry, so so angry and I used wine to try and swash it down. It worked for a while until I got done for DIC and then lost a job. Two DIC later and four jobs the rest is history.
I have this overwhelming desire to drink and go to the beach and yell and scream.. Will any of that make me feel better? I doubt it - if I drink I will feel remorseful and sick, it I go to the beach and yell and scream I will feel like an idiot. So I am going to make brownies.
The sun is shining and I will make dad proud by not drinking.
Hi Cherie, so glad you posted. We are alike in our making promises to ourselves we fail to keep. You've now posted and that's what counts. Your Dad died so young and that hurts. You should try to make it to the beach and enjoy it sober to commemorate your Dad. Making brownies sounds like a positive thing to do to. Drinking is easy; abstaining is where the real work is. I am with you all the way and just think; you are ahead of me in the sobriety count! I'm right behind you sista!!
ReplyDeleteBrownies sould like the right tribute to your dad. You can still cry. Sometimes being the rock is so very difficult.
ReplyDeleteHugs on this hard day.
Anne