Tuesday, 15th July, 2014

Well, I have had three days off from blogging and I have missed sitting quietly at the computer and writing down honestly how my life is going.  I have not been drinking (bloody miracle)  but I have been busy doing normal things that I can't do when I am drinking. I have put a lot of effort into my family but I have made sure (I hope) that I have not been over-compensating. I have been baking, sitting watching movies with the family and have done absoultely no housework. I hate not cleaning my house but I have forced myself this weekend to "chill out" and just be relaxed. My husband took yesterday (Monday) off from work and we had a great relaxing time doing nothing. Normally, if he took a day off during the week I would be pissed off because that would mean I could not go out and get my drink of choice "wine". We needed stuff from supermarket yesterday and him and I went together. I did not feel resentful at all and I did not even look at the wine. If I was alone, I would have browsed the wine section and "goodness me" wine just jumped into the basket.  I always always over-compensate with my children because I feel so guilty and ashamed but it does not do them any good and certainly does not do me any good.

I have read some awesome blogs this weekend and have had some neat emails as well. Mrs D and Granny Getting Sober Blogs really hit home to me this weekend. The reason being is that it highlights, to me, that giving up the booze is only a just the very start. Life throws "ups" and "downs" and that is just life. I need to learn to live and accept "life on life's terms"! The norm for me over the last several years of my heavy drinking is that I can only deal with life if life goes my way. Well the world will keep spinning irrespective of what I do and in reality "I am not that important".

So, Friday last week was emotionally trying. The real reason for this is that it pointed out to me "yet again" that addiction will kill you. I went to bed in the afternoon which I find is better than going and getting a drink.  I also find that if I hop into bed (even just to read my book) and put my pjs on it will stop me from going out and getting booze. It may be only 2pm but if I want to be sober for the day that is what I need to do. I struggle with going to bed in the afternoon as I see that is what old people do. But as I just said if it keeps me sober then it is worth it. Friday worked out OK not great but Ok. Kids had neat time and ended up being up until 3 am. Grumpy Cherie came and put an end to the antics.

Saturday was great. After not getting enough sleep on Friday we did normal stuff (shopping) and I went to an AA meeting. As I mentioned earlier I find these helpful if I shut my gob and listen to others I can always take something positive that will help me out of a meeting. I guess it is a bit like doing this. My middle child did not follow through with being somewhere at a particular time and made all the excuses and did things when she wanted too. Well, my mum said to me, and she was so correct  "Cherie, your daughter is so much like you". The problem is, she is, and I can see it. The manipulation to get her own way, never following through, the excuses,, the desire to be forgiven instantly, the constant demand on people emotionally but the willingness to do anything for someone else.

Sunday and Monday were also great and again, I did nothing around the house other than the basics. Watched girly flicks and mum came around for afternoon tea on Sunday. It is so nice not feeling like I have to go a hundred miles and hour and I think my brain has slowed down and become more logical.

Last night (Monday) we had my middle childs' friend around again. She arrived at dinner time (that was ok because I had heaps) I am so proud of myself because my middle child would have never wanted anyone to stay last holidays and yet she wants people to stay and she is happy to chill out at home. I think that is because of my progress and I am getting trust (not much) but a bit so that is a step in the right direction. They asked to go and get some dvds. It is the very first time (and I mean the very first time) that they have had the confidence to ask me to take them at night, Normally they would go to my husband because they were fearful  that I had been drinking. Not last night and it felt great. I know it sounds pathetic but I really enjoyed being able to get in the car and drive them to the dvd shop and browse without getting annoyed and then taking them to get needed "snacks". I was trusted and inwardly I wanted a cop to stop me and breath test me so I could prove to them  I wasn't drinking. I was so proud of myself. That is the first time in a long time that no-one was trying to say "mum we don't need it" or "mum, dad will take us".

On Sunday evening I went to another AA meeting and I shared at that meeting that I have started writing a blog which was purely inspired my Mrs D. As I said in the meeting it is purely for my benefit but if it helps others that is fantastic. I thought I would be "poo pooed" but I have had nothing but support from them as well.  A lovely lady who has been sober for 29 years read my blog and said she thought it was great because you get "everything out of your head and can then move on". It was so neat to get support on that front as well.

I have been sitting here for almost an hour and a half and done nothing around the house so now I need to wake up the lazy teenagers ( it is 11.50am) and my peace will be shattered but in a nice way.

Catch up later.

All you lovely bloggers, I need and want you so keep on keeping on. I love your blogs and I comment when I can. :)
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