Back to day 1 again :(. I really set myself up to fail yesterday when I was re-reading my blog just before the tone of it was really negative. I think that if I am really honest with myself (the whole point of writing my blog) then I probably woke up with the thought of drinking in my head and did nothing to fight it off. The end result was a miserable end to the day.
Enough doom and gloom. All that does is set me in a cycle of "bad person" and then I may as well drink. Not today. No no no no. It is the last day of the school holidays and I am going to do a heap of ironing while watching a girly flick with my middle child.
Under no circumstances am I going to leave the house and go anywhere near where alcohol is sold. There is no alcohol left and the only way it gets into the house is if I buy it. We are supposed to have an alcohol free house. Hubby doesn't drink any more but he is one of these really annoying moderate drinkers. I can never understand how someone could have a glass of wine with dinner (he used) and then put the bottle back in the fridge for the next day. No way can I do that. The bottle would be gone in a flash and I would be looking around for more!
It really does show how destructive alcohol is for me. When I drink absolutely nothing, I mean nothing, gets done. I have just spent an hour in the kitchen clearing aways 2 days worth of dishes because my husband (rightly so) won't do them because it highlights what I miss out on doing when drinking. The washing has not been put away for two days. I have half finished the vacumm cleaning, I have half cleaned half of the bathrooms, the bucket is full of water from two days ago as I was planning on cleaning the mould off the windowsills.
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to finish a novel I have been reading as mum gave me one that I am really keen to read but would not read two books at once. I finished it and I got up at 12.15pm (Shh don't tell anyone). I felt I have achieved something and I had not been out to get wine. I just need to hold on until 6pm when I know that the cravings will pass and then I can sit down and watch Coronation Street.
Will check in later. :)
Hi Cherie, I hear you... my hubby's the same.. he 'forgets' to have a beer after work. I used to be the one who offered all the time just so I wouldn't be drinking alone. You are right. You are totally in control of what you do. It's the bashing of yourself that sets you off. Just try to let those self hatred thoughts pass through you without acting on them; see them for what they are conceptions your mind has put together based on your past experience. You can acknowledge the thoughts that usually drive you to the wine shops and let them float away and dissipate. Easier said than done but by not drinking you can learn to do that. I struggled too in the beginning. It really does get easier if you really want it. With you all the way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Deb xx
DeleteIn the beginning, when that self doubt and anger was still so loud, I wore myself a daily affirmation. It said - you are enough. Today you did enough. You took care of yourself and your family. The rest can wait. You are worth it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it felt weird for a long time. I didn't feel like I was worth it. I felt small and weak and defeated. But the longer I stayed sober the more those words took on meaning.
Small actions can be powerful. You can do it. You are worth the effort!
Thanks Anne xx
DeleteWe don't beat ourselves up remember? We're not perfect. Carry on xx
ReplyDeleteIndeed. Thanks (thought you were having a day off) :) xx
DeleteIs there ever a day off when you own an iPhone? ;)
DeleteCongratulations on day one. So what if you are doing it again - you are doing it. You are awesome x
ReplyDeleteThanks. I don't feel awesome!
DeleteKeep trying Cherie. I was saying to Sober Wife that thinking about stopping and changing your routine is a good thing. At least you are aware now and each time you try you will be a step closer to achieving your goal. A x
ReplyDeleteThanks Angie xx
ReplyDeleteSmall steps. Glad to see you're getting back up there. Don't let it get you down.
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
ReplyDelete