It is 9.05pm on Saturday evening and I have been thinking a lot about the events of this week as well as the comments I have had on this blog as well as Living Sober.
One question that I was prompted to ask myself was "do I want to die? If I do, then find a reason to live"! No I don't want to die I have so much to live for. I have three beautiful (albeit trying) kids, a loving and supportive husband and a cyber family that cares about me. So what am I missing? Well, I am missing myself really. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the person looking back at me and think "you are OK!". Now I look in the mirror and think "where have you gone?" I haven't gone anywhere, I have simply let myself be taken over by a poison that I no longer wish to put into my system. Someone commented that think of wine as drinking a bottle of bleach. I can definitely do that and I need to that as much as I can. The other thing I have not been doing is walking. I was walking at least 5 kms a day until about 3 weeks ago.
So back on track I am and I have also had a big difficult conversation with my family about triggers. My son is a big trigger for me as he has basically been on holiday for the last two years and is now about two years behind his peers in both education and life skills. He is almost 18 and has no motivation to do anything other than sit on his backside and use up broadband watching videos online. He is a bright boy and he is more than capable and he uses me as an excuse and I use him as an excuse. I need to accept the fact that we have done everything we possibly can to encourage him to better himself but we have also enabled him to do what he wants by letting him live at home. He blames my drinking but outwardly admits he is having a great time. So, I need to find a way to deal with this frustration without drinking and I have said that I will remove myself from the house - walk, coffee, shops or anything so that I don't get constantly angry and frustrated that he won't even leave the house to see what his opportunities are.
If I get myself sorted I am hoping he will follow suit. So back to the drawing board and basics. Look after me by eating well, sleeping and exercising. I was also reminded to post every day as well.
Thanks to all you lovely people I know I will make it. I have the resolve and I do not want alcohol to beat me. I will just stop fighting against it and start winning the battle. :)
I struggle with myself after reading your posts. You get a lot of kind support in your comments, but no one has been able to be a little firmer. Your posts trouble me. It was so hard or read that you recently blacked out and came to in the hospital. Your readers care for you because you seem like a genuinely nice woman who has a big problem. I would love to read that you have sought some help outside of the blog and online community. I think you deserve to be cared for in a recovery center to help you with this overwhelming burden on your shoulders. It saddens me that you are trying to do this alone. I admire your efforts to sort this out online and it is clear that becoming sober is your ultimate goal. Please consider finding a facility to help you get better. I'm afraid this disease cannot be cured by a walk around a track or eating better - those would be kind ways to self-care for yourself after getting to the root of things. I say these things with love and with a little trepidation considering I don't even know you. I just want you to get better, and I'm worried about you.
ReplyDeleteI apologise if you find my posts distressing! As I have mentioned before, my posts are really about me being brutually honest with myself so that I can look back and see where I was and what patterns I have. They are not meant to upset people. If I can't feel that I can be honest with myself then I may as well not write them! If would be very easy for me to pretend that life is a bunch of fluffies and that has been one of my problems in the past. Denial. I appreciate your advice and I have seriously considered going back to rehab but (and this is probably more of an excuse than anything else). Rehabs are all the same conceptually, you admit you have a problem (tick), you learn about the disease of addiction (tick), you are introduced to AA (tick), you have counselling (tick) you are wrapped up in a false sense of safety and security and removed from having to deal with the real day to day issues - that for me is where I become unstuck. I don't think any amount of rehab will really prepare you to for dealing with reality. To me it is like having babies once you have them you have to learn coping mechanisms of dealing with the day to day ups and downs. I do have support outside of the online community with my family and some good friends I have met in rehab and also through AA. I really do appreciate your concern and I will endeavour not to make my posts distressing. XX
DeleteI think some people can do it alone, but others need some help. I know you tried rehab once and had to leave because you broke the rules. That suggests you wanted to keep drinking more than you wanted to get well. Do you feel differently now? Motivation and resolve are big factors, and I wonder if a stint of rehab would help you get on track. If you don't want to do that, I wonder if you could confide in your GP and see if there is some medication that would help - not one that makes you sick if you drink (waste of time), but one that might curb the desire. You still need to employ some will power in actually taking it though. It's hard to get yourself back when you have allowed that self to disappear beneath the poison. I'm with Cheryl. I don't like the idea of judging how serious a problem is. There's no such thing as a mild addiction. However, the fall out of yours is pretty serious - the stuff of my nightmares. I say this not to judge, but because I am worried for you. Keep writing and keep using other's blogs as motivation, but I think you could use some outside help.
ReplyDeleteHI. I have a really great GP and I am on a medication called Neltrexone which is supposed to take away the pleasure sensors when you take a drink. It really does not appear to work that well except when I am not drinking. It doesn't stop the thoughts but when I don't drink the combination of that and the anti-depressants I am on make me feel great. The problem it that then I "forget" about how bad it was and pick up. That is the whole purpose of blogging really is so that I can go back and read when I am feeling tempted, I need to put that into action. I will make it I know I will. xx
DeleteHi Cherie, everyone seems worried about you. It was that post that described you landing in the hospital. Everyone is right and everyone is wrong. You could probably use rehab. You can possibly get sober without it. Only you can decide and the decision can seem easy one day and the next you may find yourself with a drink in your hand wondering what the hell happened. I think if you don't want any more professional help than you are getting you have to make sure you protect your sobriety with a plan. You need a plan in place for when that bastard, booze, blindsides you and convinces you that you are an unworthy piece of shit and you deserve to humiliate yourself with getting bombed. That's self-hate at it's fiercest. I know because I've had to fight that voice numerous times myself. Relapsing is not abnormal but relapsing and drinking yourself into a coma is. Keep posting and telling the truth and expect loving bloggers to make suggestions based on their concern and compassion for you. Your husband seems like a great guy. Why don't you tell him you don't want to go to rehab but to be honest and tell you when he sees you slipping into dangerous territory and putting your life in jeopardy. You are worth it, Cherie. You can do this but it will take every ounce of strength you can muster and at times, life may get worse than it already has. Face it sober and you will gradually heal. With love and comraderie.... Granny (Deb)
ReplyDeleteAre you ok? It has been very quiet. I am concerned that you are not doing well .....
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