The time is 2.28pm and I am sitting on the computer upstairs eating a late lunch. I have been somewhat down today. It might be the weather and it might also be the fact that I have been reading and rereading my posts over the last two days. Why should I be down? Maybe it is the reality of where this disease has taken me. A few years back I would be in work clothes just preparing to leave work and dealing with professional people and then thinking I had better get the kids, I hope the washing is dry and soforth. I would normally stop at the supermarket and get any bits (as well as a bottle of wine) and then be "supermum" get dinner, help with homework, drop off for sports practices. Those days are a distant memory.
Today, I have all my work clothes hanging in my wardrobe, most of them I can not fit because I have put on so much weight. I look at them longingly everyday willing that I can be that professional motivated woman I once was. I am positive it will happen one day - well hopeful at least. I walk around in sloppy clothes that I would not have been seen dead in a few years back.
These days I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings as I have no purpose and the days are so long and drawn out. There is so much to do around the house but frankly I can't be bothered half the time and end up going to bed to "read my book" but really just to sleep to kill some time. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I wish I could be like my mother and be positive. I can easily get out of the house but feel trapped and she has horrible pain and challenges on a daily basis but still appears to be positive and happy.
I am so pleased I am doing this because it is now 3.40pm and I have been to drop off something to school and come straight home because I wanted to write this. Normally I would detour to the supermarket but not today. I have the "poor mees" poor me, poor me but don't pour me a drink today. I am struggling though as I want to get in the car and visit my friend but my friend turns into being the monster that ruins evenings, relationships and lives.
I was looking at our finances today and money is a funny thing. Again, a few years back, I would stop at the supermarket and $50 each day would be nothing. We could pay chunks off the mortgage, have flash cars and travel overseas. Basically, we could do what we wanted and it was great (apart from the drinking). I was only working part-time but was earning more part-time that the average NZ person would in a year. I am not gloating it is just a fact.
Now, I have been out of work for about 4 years and we are really struggling. Our savngs have diminished and I am wondering how we are going to survive in 2 months when we exhaust the savings. We are not going on holiday and the only thing that we are wasting money on is food and wine. It is very stressful and my husband and I quite often have these discussions (heated at times) that if I wasn't drinking everything would be a "bed of roses". Really? Him and the kids would be less stressed, we would be better off for money but would I feel better? I really don't know any more.
I think we will have to sell the house. My husband keeps pointing out (and he is probably correct) that the house we live in is not a "home". Problem is we will probably have to borrow money to get it into a saleable state. It needs painting on inside and out, heat pump upstairs does not work, curtains in the lounge and office are knackered, we have a window that has been broken for years and the alarm has been out of action for years too. It has many bad memories and is very superficial. (his words). For me it has lots of good memories too. Kids parties and summers after school and in the holidays when kids and their friends would come and splash in the pool or ride bikes or scooters. It was a fun house with lots of fun and laughter. I miss that but I guess kids grow up and the pool has been dormant for 2 years at least and the laughter has stopped. I felt proud to have a stable place for my kids as when I was growing up we moved around a bit. I think I can count at least 4 Primary schools that I attended. I am not blaming anyone it was just the way it was.
It was unfortunate that I was so "geeky" and could not make friends . Tall and lanky, with glasses. Gosh I got teased. The worst was being called madusa (don't know how it is spelt but the one that turns people to stone by looking at them). Everytime I would look at someone they would freeze. Kids are very hurtful but think it is funny. That sticks with me today and I am bloody 48.I was not outgoing, I was no good at sport so would be the last chosen and then I would always have someone more able telling me they would take my turn .
Well I have had a cry and my youngest gave me a hug and asked me why I was crying. I said ;why not"
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