Monday 30th June 2014

Well I did not get time to write anything yesterday but I had a great great day. To start with it was a Sunday so no sports or shopping  - yippee. Our heater crapped out so my husband decided to look for a replacement on Trade-me". Bonus, he found one that was not too expensive and more modern than the one we had. It had the saem gas fitting so we could just plug it in and off it went. What a bargin we got and we wre all toasty warm - I have even had to turn it down as was cooking.

After we got over the heater,  it was  chores to do but then my poor mum text to say she had fried her toaster! So my husband and I thought that we would go looking for her to find a suitable replacement. The brilliant thing was that she wanted to come too! I know this might sound strange but that was the first time since our "blow-up" a few months back that we had really talked or seen each other face to face. We had been texting and things were thawing but it was a huge step for her to want to see me face to face.

I was thrilled but nervous too. The nervousness passed quickly and we had a great time taking mum to Briscoes, the to Millers (she got a couple warm tops) and then off to Dick Smiths to get her a new phone.

It is now 10.56am Monday 30 June 2014. Monday monster has hit but I am so determined to ignore, ignore, ignore. I have so much anger repressed from last week but I am going to have a good day. I am going to have a good day, I am going to have a good day.

Great things happened to me this morning. I had a lovely conversation with my mum. Her phone wasn't working and then she worked it out - clever lady. I spoke to mum for almost 30 mins and that is fab.

Why at 11..01am does it bother me that my lazy son can not (or more likely will not get out of bed).? I find that very de-motivating and hard to handle. What is my part in this, well my part has been alcohol and that has been their excuse.

So what shall I do?  School has phoned me to say girls are not at school. I dropped them off . It all gets too hard but you know what - I am holding onto my conversation with mum this morning. That made me feel normal.

I am back! I so love to say that :) . My inner child.  Bring on Arnie

Anyhow, it is now 4.26pm and I am sober - yippee. It was a real struggle for a while because (and I know I am making excuses) my lazy son would not get out of bed and still has not done any work on his studies today.  I could feel myself getting heated and I so wanted to go and get a drink but I focused on my good weekend and phoned my husband in tears (at work) again. Bleat, Bleat, bleat. At the end of the day it is my son who is screwing his life up and so why do I make that my problem? Because I am a "control freak". My father-inlaw called me that some years back and gosh I was offended and held resentments denying that I like to have control of everything. Again, I need to eat humble pie because he is correct in a way (well  I am not ready to fully concede yet!). I do like to know what is going on, I do want my kids to do as "I say" and "not as I do" and I do want to control the outcome. This part of me has changed significantly since the drinking got out of control. I always used to be intense thou  Maybe some of the reason is that when I get into "blackout" I don't remember and can't control anything so I try and control the things I do remember - Ummm reading this I thinking "nutcase".

I need to learn and practice (the practice bit is the key) that I cannot control other people, places and things. My kids are getting older and I can no longer control them. Apart from the dogs, I am the shortstop in the house - hahaha. I am coming from a very weak position (as my husband correctly points out) and I have to be tolerant (which is not any of my strengths). I cannot expect instant acceptance and respect but my head tells me different.

Anyway. I have not picked up a drink today. I am now 3 days sober and know I won't pick up a drink today because my danger time has passed.  I am about to go and clean up the disaster in the kitchen that I walked away from because I was going to buy into bullshit and start dinner.

Mrs D commented on my blog today. I have three real positives to take out of today. 1) I spoke to my mum (baby steps on my part - I just want to blast in  and forget)  - people don't forget and sometimes it is hard to forgive - problem being an alcoholic like me - just because I don't remember because of the alchohol does not mean that others don't remember - because they do.
2) Mrs D commented and gave me support.
3) I now have 1 follower -  go me :)

There is hope for me yet. :)

Will check in later.

Well it is now 8.17pm I was so angry with my middle child she had a cold dinner and I have not spoken to her yet. I have been in the bath. Not picked up a drink but have a massive headache.

Lovely that I can see people viewing my page. I now have 2 followers which is cool. Would love positive comments and support as will keep me going and more followers. Great

Thank you and go me and all the others struggling tonight :)