Well it is the first day back of the new school term and I really can't believe it is term 3 already. We had a good start to the morning with both of my girls being ready to get to school semi on-time. They were both 5 minutes late but that is a big improvement from last term.
My youngest (13) decided that we don't have anything to eat in our house - we only spend $550 per week (min). We have so much food that both fridges and freezers are full, the main pantry is full is so is our emergency cupboard!. Anyhow, she decided to take one small biscuit to school for the entire day. What she wanted was money to buy food at the canteen or buy MacDonalds after school. Normally, I would give in to her because I would not want her to starve. I had money but I thought that I need to be strong and not give in all the time because I feel guilty about my drinking. Let's face it, she won't die of starvation and if she goes hungry at school she might just find something to eat in the mountains of food we have at home and maybe, just maybe, she might be happy with the lunch I pack her. Yes, I still pack the lunches and the school bags for the girls. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I still make their beds and tidy their rooms. I still run after them if they want something to eat or drink even if they are watching TV and I am busy and they are too lazy to move. Why do I do this? Guilt, remorse, low self esteem, a need to be wanted and loved, shame that I have not been (and never will be) "mother of the year/day or week! Does it help them in the long run? No NO NO.
My children are so fussy and so lazy. I need to take primary responsibility for this because I over-compensate for my behaviour.
Anyway, today is day 4 for me (again) and I am determined not to be a soft touch. It does them no good because it does not prepare them for the "real world" and frankly does me no good either because they think I am "the weakest link" and it does not instill respect. I feel it just instills resentment when they don't get what they want. In the "real world" you need to be self-sufficient, orgamised and have goals that "you" want to achieve and not given to you "on a silver platter" People won't run after them, pamper them or be tolerant of laziness. When I was a teenager I had chores - I hated it but I did them. Iam not sure if mum will agree with this but, I did them with dignity and grace :). These days it appears that children (mine anyway) won't do anything for anyone unless there is something in it for them and are very manipulative! Maybe, that is a product of learned behaviour from me and it scares me that my alcoholic behaviour has rubbed off on them. My husband behaves (most of the time) in a reasoned and calm manor so haven't they taken up his behaviour. I know why, because it appears if you behave badly you get noticed
I really get this post, I've always over compensated due to the fact that I was drinking wine everyday, even though it didn't affect my ability to be a good Mother, I still felt as though I could give more, if I wasn't so hooked on the vino every afternoon/night. I wouldn't be planning my life around wine, and the kids would get more out of me. I was very generous, and do whatever you like kinda thing. But now I realise, it's not my generosity they want first and foremost, it's just my time and attention. Hope you are getting some peace with school being back now xx
ReplyDeleteI go from being a crap mother when I am drinking to a good mother (so I am told) when I am not drinking. Does not seem to be anything inbetween. That is a work in progress. Cherie xx
DeleteCherie, you are doing a great job with your kids. They have to learn to respect you and realise that you are trying to be a better person for them. Well done on day 4!! Axx
ReplyDeleteThanks Angie. Cherie xx
DeleteIt will evolve. You will find your way out of overcompensating and will get better at setting boundaries for people.
ReplyDeleteFor now, just keep your sober bubble intact!
You are doing great.
Thanks Anne. Cherie xx
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