Well, last night did not turn out that great to be honest. My husband did not like the fact that I was trying to be transparent (so I now have a false name) because it will effect the kids and him , we had an argument, I went to bed at 7.30pm and did not sleep. When he came to bed he said "you better not bloody snore because you have been drinking" I deliberately stayed awake all night so he would not have the amunition - how pathetic as I am so bloody tired. (if I was drunk I would not care) Yes I ended up drinking but for once, and I am proud of this fact, most of it ended up in the toilet with the self-esteem and self-worth. So today is day 1 yet again.
Today is a new day and I have just revisited what I wrote yesterday and I am proud of myself. I know it sounds stupid but I am pleased I have finally put down in writing how I felt. I am not pleased I picked up a drink but am pleased that I managed a nice dinner and cleaned up (which if I was drunk I would not do), had a laugh with my girls and helped with basics like drying hair. Normally on a Monday I would be passed out around 2pm but I took my youngest to get her eyebrows tinted (the one with the temper) because eyebrow pencils don't work. Well I think it is the best $20 I have spent in a long while because she was ready for school on time today yippee. My husband does not understand girls but that is OK.
Well it is now 10.30am my head is going mad. My son is lazying in bed because "he can" and it makes me so angry. However, I am not a great role model either. I have no real purpose so am not motivated as I would have been when I was working. There is only so much washing, housework one can do and quite frankly I can't be bothered and therefore it does not get done. Years ago I would not have had a thing out of place and washing and ironing and dinner would all be sorted.
It is my nephews' birthday today and I think he is 17. My brother and I have become distant and I know part of that is my drinking but there are other factors as well. We always used to be quite close and I used to do his accounts for him but now it is a "non-relationship". Like what you see on TV. All I can see is tension and frankly it is not worth it for my family or his. Goodness knows what is going to happen for Mum's birthday or Christmas as we all used to work together.
Years ago my mother would look after my kids and my brothers kids at my house in the summer time. I was working but the kids would have a blast splashing in the para pool, playing xbox, riding scooters and just hanging out. Those days are long gone. The last time by nephews came to my house they did not remember anything and yet I would have them for days on end (with the help of mum). Oh dear I can see the "pitty potty" has arrived. Life sucks and I need to do something positive so I will finish this later. I will finish this today because I want to and need to.
Ok the time is now 2.26pm on Tuesday afternoon. I have been to the dentist (eek) and have to go back tomorrow because I have a broken tooth (double eek). I walked in the door this afternoon and got a lovely welcome from my son. "What do you want?" Umm I live here and I am your mother but nevertheless I have left him alone and am sitting in peace on the computer upstairs. That behaviour makes me want to go straight out and get a drink and then stick my finger in the air and say "screw you" and I have done that so many times I think he thinks that is what I will do so he has removed the car keys. I really don't care because I am not going to do that I am so bloody determined. I am about to go downstairs and start thinking about what I am making for dinner and to do the reamainder of the ironing left over from last week but I can't stand the fact that my son thinks that the computer downstairs is his.
Well, do I have to eat humble pie or what! My son has been researching addiction and because the programme on Sunday with Mrs D inspired me (and he obviously took notice of this and has been doing his own research) he showed me several videos about addiction and near death experiences.
OK it is now 3.00pm and my husband has decided to come home because I was upset. Now I really really want a drink and put the finger in the air saying "screw you". I am struggling to be civilised because he has come home to read my blog (although he says not) and to 'encourage me" . I know he means well but his encouragement is like a naszi interrogation and not very helpful. He will be very hurt if he reads this but I am hoping he wont because I am not out to hurt anyone I am just trying to put down in writing how I feel in the hope that it helps me get well.
An overwhelming depression has just hit me. Why does my husband feel the need to come blasting home. He is skulking in our bedroom (keeping and eye on me) and frankly it pisses me off. He treats and talks to me like a bloody child. That is my impression not his. I will need to make sure he can not access this blog.
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