Time to offload - Day 1 of my new life (23 June 2014)

I was watching "Sunday" last night and this amazing lady was telling my story. I just wish I could reach out and hug her and tell her how much her story impacted me and my family. Unlike Mrs D we were not all in onesies last night (well I had pjs on and a dressing gown because it was so bloody cold). My husband and children watched the interview and I was amazed and they were educated at the same time.

Mrs D started off by writing down her feelings to try and beat this horrible addiction called alcoholism. I don't want to be a "copycat" but think it is a great way of reminding myself of where this addiction has taken me.

To start with I am 48 years old and a mother of three teenagers. I have a son aged 17 and two daughters aged 15 and 13. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 25 years.

I remember the day I picked up a drink by myself it was 17 Feb 2001. It was my sons' 4th birthday party and my husband was stuck down in the South Island and could not get back. I wanted to be "super mum" and have the best party ever. However, my youngest was only 6 weeks old (and very grizzly) and my middle child was almost 2. I remember having a kitchen full of people trying to help and although that was great I did not want that because I wanted to do it by myself but i couldn't. I think the kids had a great time. Well everyone left, kids were happy, I said I did not need help, but I did, I cleaned up, went and got a bottle of wine and before I even opened it I phoned my father-inlaw in Auckland and he told me to "stop being so emotional that your husband was away and it is expected that you will cope". Frankly, I did not cope. I did not get drunk but I cried and was very angry.

Problem was, that the anger was pushed down because my husband was doing his best and I was "super mum". Much like Mrs D, super mum and horribly lonely. I coped for many years on the surface only.

Our baby who by this time had turned into a "nightmare" was about three. Now she had the worst temper ever and I used to cringe everytime I would go anywhere that she would scream. I don't mean cry I mean scream and scream. We once had a person come and complain about her screaming. I said "you should try living with it". It was my fault really because I was working, had a nanny, husband away, had one at school and one at kindy and so would just give her what she wanted.

I used to feed the kids around 5.30pm and bath the and put them to bed around 7pm by that time I would be on my second glass of wine.

My husband had to travel for work and I was an "up-standing" accountant who held an important job and was well respected. Well this changed very dramatically as you will see below.

On 10 September 2007 I had a phone call from my mother around 10.05am at work. Unfortunately I was in the smoko room with all of my colleagues and they heard the conversation that my father had been taken seriously ill and I needed to come. I vividly remember my accounts clerk lady saying to me " You need to prepare yourself as your father will be dead". Well, I picked up mum from her house and although I knew inwardly that he was dead I did not want to accept it. I did not see the worst as my poor brother was working with him at the time and tried unsuccessfully to revive him. I dropped mum off at A & E and went to find a carpark. Mum had seen the worst of dad as they prepared him to go to ICU. I know it sounds harsh and if my family read this it will be another thing not to forgive me for but, I wish he had died at the time it would have taken away the anxiety. Mum always says he died on 10th September although he clinically died on 12 September 2007. Well I have have said it.

I will have to come back later as this is all very raw and hard and I want to go and get drunk but I know it wont help so I am going to cuddle my dogs.

I am back now after a break, half a block of chocolate and 2 cups of soup and no housework!

So, back at the hospital the decision was made to turn off life support and it was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. Waiting for this person you love who is "wired up" to stop breathing appeared very mechanical and shocking but I could not cry. I vividly recall my brother saying that "it sucks waiting for someone to die". Well that is what we did. Nature took its course.

Long story short, as the months progressed I found it harder and harder to accept that he had gone and I could not forgive myself for not being able to cry at his funeral. This fact was pointed out to me regularly from my employer at the time. Along comes my "friend" wine. It was relatively easy as my husband was still away a lot, I was still holding down a job and running the house and as far as everyone outside of my head knew there was nothing wrong.

Fast forward a few months. The drinking was progressing at great a rate. I was still not drinking until I had finished work and picked up kids and done the sports stuff but I was drinking earlier and earlier. I was not drinking and driving at that stage.

I think it was about a year after dad passed away that I changed jobs. By this stage the drinking was daily and my husband was starting to see some cracks appearing. I would quite ofter fall asleep on the couch, or bath, and wake in the middle of the night wondering where I was and what I had done with the bottle and whether there was any left for the next day.

In October 2008 my youngest had this massive temper tantrum that lasted for hours (and that is no exaggeration) and I had said that if she did not behave I would take her to nana's for the night. Well, she continued and I asked my husband if he could take her but the All Blacks were playing and that was far more important. Anyhow, I was so angry but I had a few drinks that I got in the car and drove her to my mothers house. This was the very first time I drank and drove and I was picked up by the police and consequently lost my licence for 6 months. That was the very beginning of my demise!

Not very long after this I lost my first job and I was absolutely mortified. I was a professional woman who had been "head hunted" and I screwed it up. I was not drinking at work but had left for the day (I was working until 2pm) and gone to Countdown and bought a bottle of wine and proceeded to drink it in the public toilets in the Westfield mall. I then decided (stupidly) to go back to work to get some stuff from my desk. That was the end of me! I behaved badly and was dismissed a week later. This was the "icing on the cake" for my demise. This is when the drinking really started getting bad.

I had lost a parent, I had lost my licence and I had lost a job. My self-esteem was down the toilet. We have spent $000 and I mean $000s if not $100,000 well it will be pretty bloody close to it. On Rehab (because I had to go to the best one and most expensive), lawyers, car accidents, loss of disposable income and that is all I can think of at the moment but no doubt there is much much more.

Moving forward now to 2014. I have still lost a parent and that will never change, now lost my licence 3 times and potentially 4 and have lost at least 3 jobs. I have also lost many friends, my close family have distanced themselves from me, my husband and children don't trust me and my self-worth is down the toilet with the self-esteem. It is now time to get off the "pity-potty" and use Mrs D as an inspiration.

Today 23 June 2014 is day 5 of my sobriety. I can normally make 10 days before the cravings and crazy thoughts take over so I am hoping by blogging (which I have never done in my life) will be a reminder to me on a daily basis why I never ever want to pick up another drink again.

I have Mrs D to thank for the inspiration to do something different because nothing else has worked at this stage.

Off to make dinner and I am sober for the first Monday in I don't know how long. Yippee :)