Well I did not get time to write anything yesterday but I had a great great day. To start with it was a Sunday so no sports or shopping - yippee. Our heater crapped out so my husband decided to look for a replacement on Trade-me". Bonus, he found one that was not too expensive and more modern than the one we had. It had the saem gas fitting so we could just plug it in and off it went. What a bargin we got and we wre all toasty warm - I have even had to turn it down as was cooking.
After we got over the heater, it was chores to do but then my poor mum text to say she had fried her toaster! So my husband and I thought that we would go looking for her to find a suitable replacement. The brilliant thing was that she wanted to come too! I know this might sound strange but that was the first time since our "blow-up" a few months back that we had really talked or seen each other face to face. We had been texting and things were thawing but it was a huge step for her to want to see me face to face.
I was thrilled but nervous too. The nervousness passed quickly and we had a great time taking mum to Briscoes, the to Millers (she got a couple warm tops) and then off to Dick Smiths to get her a new phone.
It is now 10.56am Monday 30 June 2014. Monday monster has hit but I am so determined to ignore, ignore, ignore. I have so much anger repressed from last week but I am going to have a good day. I am going to have a good day, I am going to have a good day.
Great things happened to me this morning. I had a lovely conversation with my mum. Her phone wasn't working and then she worked it out - clever lady. I spoke to mum for almost 30 mins and that is fab.
Why at 11..01am does it bother me that my lazy son can not (or more likely will not get out of bed).? I find that very de-motivating and hard to handle. What is my part in this, well my part has been alcohol and that has been their excuse.
So what shall I do? School has phoned me to say girls are not at school. I dropped them off . It all gets too hard but you know what - I am holding onto my conversation with mum this morning. That made me feel normal.
I am back! I so love to say that :) . My inner child. Bring on Arnie
Anyhow, it is now 4.26pm and I am sober - yippee. It was a real struggle for a while because (and I know I am making excuses) my lazy son would not get out of bed and still has not done any work on his studies today. I could feel myself getting heated and I so wanted to go and get a drink but I focused on my good weekend and phoned my husband in tears (at work) again. Bleat, Bleat, bleat. At the end of the day it is my son who is screwing his life up and so why do I make that my problem? Because I am a "control freak". My father-inlaw called me that some years back and gosh I was offended and held resentments denying that I like to have control of everything. Again, I need to eat humble pie because he is correct in a way (well I am not ready to fully concede yet!). I do like to know what is going on, I do want my kids to do as "I say" and "not as I do" and I do want to control the outcome. This part of me has changed significantly since the drinking got out of control. I always used to be intense thou Maybe some of the reason is that when I get into "blackout" I don't remember and can't control anything so I try and control the things I do remember - Ummm reading this I thinking "nutcase".
I need to learn and practice (the practice bit is the key) that I cannot control other people, places and things. My kids are getting older and I can no longer control them. Apart from the dogs, I am the shortstop in the house - hahaha. I am coming from a very weak position (as my husband correctly points out) and I have to be tolerant (which is not any of my strengths). I cannot expect instant acceptance and respect but my head tells me different.
Anyway. I have not picked up a drink today. I am now 3 days sober and know I won't pick up a drink today because my danger time has passed. I am about to go and clean up the disaster in the kitchen that I walked away from because I was going to buy into bullshit and start dinner.
Mrs D commented on my blog today. I have three real positives to take out of today. 1) I spoke to my mum (baby steps on my part - I just want to blast in and forget) - people don't forget and sometimes it is hard to forgive - problem being an alcoholic like me - just because I don't remember because of the alchohol does not mean that others don't remember - because they do.
2) Mrs D commented and gave me support.
3) I now have 1 follower - go me :)
There is hope for me yet. :)
Will check in later.
Well it is now 8.17pm I was so angry with my middle child she had a cold dinner and I have not spoken to her yet. I have been in the bath. Not picked up a drink but have a massive headache.
Lovely that I can see people viewing my page. I now have 2 followers which is cool. Would love positive comments and support as will keep me going and more followers. Great
Thank you and go me and all the others struggling tonight :)
Monday, 30 June 2014
Saturday, 28 June 2014
Saturday 28th June 2014
Well yesterday was a disaster and I mean disaster!
Today is a new day and back to day 1. Oh well, there is no point in dwelling on events. I am looking forward to today as I get to spend quality time with my husband and children. Two children anyway. One is always away on the weekend as she hates what drinking does to the family. Funny thing is that I never have a desire to drink on the weekend.
That tells me that I can stop but need to focus on why I pick up that drink during the week. I am going to start walking again. I know I said that yesterday but I really, really need to do positive things during the week. There is plenty to do I just need to motivate myself and I am hoping that come Monday when the monster reappears I will have the forthought to read the positive weekend blogs to give me motivation to stay sober. I really want a different outcome but the insanity of it is that if I do the same behaviour I will get the same results. I am a supposedly intelligent woman but seem to struggle with this logic.
Enough with the negative and bring on the positive. It is Saturday, the sun is shining, we get to go grocery shopping (yippee - not), I get to go and watch my youngest play netball and we normally have a nice dinner - cooked by a sober me and then sit and watch TV. There is no reason why the last bit can't happen every night because I really enjoy it when it does and the peace and happiness is wonderful.
I will check in later and document how my day went. I wish it was weekends all the time.
It is now 4.45pm and I am sober - Go me :). After a rocky start this morning with the family I have had a neat day. I have mountains of washing to put away and we have just got back from watching my youngest play netball. I am always very proud to watch her play as I was absolutely hopeless!
I have had disappointing news about what my middle child was up to last night and she was not where she said she was and stayed at her boyfriends place.(I did not even know she had a boyfriend) She tells me that at 15 it is acceptable to stay at a boys house -( he is probably 18 if not older so we are not impressed)! Not in my world it is not and there will be battles this week with her because I have decided to ground her and follow through. I am normally the soft one because I feel guilty and ashamed of my behaviour and therefore try and over-compensate. This will be a problem for another day as although I have given her an ultimatum to be home by 6pm I know she has absolutely no intention of coming home and is using me as an excuse.
Well off to do some chores.
Catch up tomorrow
Mrs S
Today is a new day and back to day 1. Oh well, there is no point in dwelling on events. I am looking forward to today as I get to spend quality time with my husband and children. Two children anyway. One is always away on the weekend as she hates what drinking does to the family. Funny thing is that I never have a desire to drink on the weekend.
That tells me that I can stop but need to focus on why I pick up that drink during the week. I am going to start walking again. I know I said that yesterday but I really, really need to do positive things during the week. There is plenty to do I just need to motivate myself and I am hoping that come Monday when the monster reappears I will have the forthought to read the positive weekend blogs to give me motivation to stay sober. I really want a different outcome but the insanity of it is that if I do the same behaviour I will get the same results. I am a supposedly intelligent woman but seem to struggle with this logic.
Enough with the negative and bring on the positive. It is Saturday, the sun is shining, we get to go grocery shopping (yippee - not), I get to go and watch my youngest play netball and we normally have a nice dinner - cooked by a sober me and then sit and watch TV. There is no reason why the last bit can't happen every night because I really enjoy it when it does and the peace and happiness is wonderful.
I will check in later and document how my day went. I wish it was weekends all the time.
It is now 4.45pm and I am sober - Go me :). After a rocky start this morning with the family I have had a neat day. I have mountains of washing to put away and we have just got back from watching my youngest play netball. I am always very proud to watch her play as I was absolutely hopeless!
I have had disappointing news about what my middle child was up to last night and she was not where she said she was and stayed at her boyfriends place.(I did not even know she had a boyfriend) She tells me that at 15 it is acceptable to stay at a boys house -( he is probably 18 if not older so we are not impressed)! Not in my world it is not and there will be battles this week with her because I have decided to ground her and follow through. I am normally the soft one because I feel guilty and ashamed of my behaviour and therefore try and over-compensate. This will be a problem for another day as although I have given her an ultimatum to be home by 6pm I know she has absolutely no intention of coming home and is using me as an excuse.
Well off to do some chores.
Catch up tomorrow
Mrs S
Friday, 27 June 2014
Friday 27th June 2014
Yesterday ended up bing a crap day and again I am back to day 1. I so hate this. I really don't know why I do it because I know that it will never end well once I have that first drink. Hence, I did not write a blog yesterday for obvious reasons. Also I promised my mother I would not write wghile under the influence.
Well, today I am going to be positive and catch up on some much needed house cleaning. I might do some baking just to pass the time. It is a sunny day and I might go for a walk. I always feel better after a decent walk and was doing that for a while but then the weather packed up and other multipe excuses.
I will check back in later to see how my day is going. I want a good outcome today so I need to make sure I don't buy into any of my kids nonesense because that normally sets me off down the wrong path.
Well, today I am going to be positive and catch up on some much needed house cleaning. I might do some baking just to pass the time. It is a sunny day and I might go for a walk. I always feel better after a decent walk and was doing that for a while but then the weather packed up and other multipe excuses.
I will check back in later to see how my day is going. I want a good outcome today so I need to make sure I don't buy into any of my kids nonesense because that normally sets me off down the wrong path.
Wednesday, 25 June 2014
25th June 2014
The time is 2.28pm and I am sitting on the computer upstairs eating a late lunch. I have been somewhat down today. It might be the weather and it might also be the fact that I have been reading and rereading my posts over the last two days. Why should I be down? Maybe it is the reality of where this disease has taken me. A few years back I would be in work clothes just preparing to leave work and dealing with professional people and then thinking I had better get the kids, I hope the washing is dry and soforth. I would normally stop at the supermarket and get any bits (as well as a bottle of wine) and then be "supermum" get dinner, help with homework, drop off for sports practices. Those days are a distant memory.
Today, I have all my work clothes hanging in my wardrobe, most of them I can not fit because I have put on so much weight. I look at them longingly everyday willing that I can be that professional motivated woman I once was. I am positive it will happen one day - well hopeful at least. I walk around in sloppy clothes that I would not have been seen dead in a few years back.
These days I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings as I have no purpose and the days are so long and drawn out. There is so much to do around the house but frankly I can't be bothered half the time and end up going to bed to "read my book" but really just to sleep to kill some time. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I wish I could be like my mother and be positive. I can easily get out of the house but feel trapped and she has horrible pain and challenges on a daily basis but still appears to be positive and happy.
I am so pleased I am doing this because it is now 3.40pm and I have been to drop off something to school and come straight home because I wanted to write this. Normally I would detour to the supermarket but not today. I have the "poor mees" poor me, poor me but don't pour me a drink today. I am struggling though as I want to get in the car and visit my friend but my friend turns into being the monster that ruins evenings, relationships and lives.
I was looking at our finances today and money is a funny thing. Again, a few years back, I would stop at the supermarket and $50 each day would be nothing. We could pay chunks off the mortgage, have flash cars and travel overseas. Basically, we could do what we wanted and it was great (apart from the drinking). I was only working part-time but was earning more part-time that the average NZ person would in a year. I am not gloating it is just a fact.
Now, I have been out of work for about 4 years and we are really struggling. Our savngs have diminished and I am wondering how we are going to survive in 2 months when we exhaust the savings. We are not going on holiday and the only thing that we are wasting money on is food and wine. It is very stressful and my husband and I quite often have these discussions (heated at times) that if I wasn't drinking everything would be a "bed of roses". Really? Him and the kids would be less stressed, we would be better off for money but would I feel better? I really don't know any more.
I think we will have to sell the house. My husband keeps pointing out (and he is probably correct) that the house we live in is not a "home". Problem is we will probably have to borrow money to get it into a saleable state. It needs painting on inside and out, heat pump upstairs does not work, curtains in the lounge and office are knackered, we have a window that has been broken for years and the alarm has been out of action for years too. It has many bad memories and is very superficial. (his words). For me it has lots of good memories too. Kids parties and summers after school and in the holidays when kids and their friends would come and splash in the pool or ride bikes or scooters. It was a fun house with lots of fun and laughter. I miss that but I guess kids grow up and the pool has been dormant for 2 years at least and the laughter has stopped. I felt proud to have a stable place for my kids as when I was growing up we moved around a bit. I think I can count at least 4 Primary schools that I attended. I am not blaming anyone it was just the way it was.
It was unfortunate that I was so "geeky" and could not make friends . Tall and lanky, with glasses. Gosh I got teased. The worst was being called madusa (don't know how it is spelt but the one that turns people to stone by looking at them). Everytime I would look at someone they would freeze. Kids are very hurtful but think it is funny. That sticks with me today and I am bloody 48.I was not outgoing, I was no good at sport so would be the last chosen and then I would always have someone more able telling me they would take my turn .
Well I have had a cry and my youngest gave me a hug and asked me why I was crying. I said ;why not"
Today, I have all my work clothes hanging in my wardrobe, most of them I can not fit because I have put on so much weight. I look at them longingly everyday willing that I can be that professional motivated woman I once was. I am positive it will happen one day - well hopeful at least. I walk around in sloppy clothes that I would not have been seen dead in a few years back.
These days I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings as I have no purpose and the days are so long and drawn out. There is so much to do around the house but frankly I can't be bothered half the time and end up going to bed to "read my book" but really just to sleep to kill some time. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I wish I could be like my mother and be positive. I can easily get out of the house but feel trapped and she has horrible pain and challenges on a daily basis but still appears to be positive and happy.
I am so pleased I am doing this because it is now 3.40pm and I have been to drop off something to school and come straight home because I wanted to write this. Normally I would detour to the supermarket but not today. I have the "poor mees" poor me, poor me but don't pour me a drink today. I am struggling though as I want to get in the car and visit my friend but my friend turns into being the monster that ruins evenings, relationships and lives.
I was looking at our finances today and money is a funny thing. Again, a few years back, I would stop at the supermarket and $50 each day would be nothing. We could pay chunks off the mortgage, have flash cars and travel overseas. Basically, we could do what we wanted and it was great (apart from the drinking). I was only working part-time but was earning more part-time that the average NZ person would in a year. I am not gloating it is just a fact.
Now, I have been out of work for about 4 years and we are really struggling. Our savngs have diminished and I am wondering how we are going to survive in 2 months when we exhaust the savings. We are not going on holiday and the only thing that we are wasting money on is food and wine. It is very stressful and my husband and I quite often have these discussions (heated at times) that if I wasn't drinking everything would be a "bed of roses". Really? Him and the kids would be less stressed, we would be better off for money but would I feel better? I really don't know any more.
I think we will have to sell the house. My husband keeps pointing out (and he is probably correct) that the house we live in is not a "home". Problem is we will probably have to borrow money to get it into a saleable state. It needs painting on inside and out, heat pump upstairs does not work, curtains in the lounge and office are knackered, we have a window that has been broken for years and the alarm has been out of action for years too. It has many bad memories and is very superficial. (his words). For me it has lots of good memories too. Kids parties and summers after school and in the holidays when kids and their friends would come and splash in the pool or ride bikes or scooters. It was a fun house with lots of fun and laughter. I miss that but I guess kids grow up and the pool has been dormant for 2 years at least and the laughter has stopped. I felt proud to have a stable place for my kids as when I was growing up we moved around a bit. I think I can count at least 4 Primary schools that I attended. I am not blaming anyone it was just the way it was.
It was unfortunate that I was so "geeky" and could not make friends . Tall and lanky, with glasses. Gosh I got teased. The worst was being called madusa (don't know how it is spelt but the one that turns people to stone by looking at them). Everytime I would look at someone they would freeze. Kids are very hurtful but think it is funny. That sticks with me today and I am bloody 48.I was not outgoing, I was no good at sport so would be the last chosen and then I would always have someone more able telling me they would take my turn .
Well I have had a cry and my youngest gave me a hug and asked me why I was crying. I said ;why not"
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
Tuesday 24th June 2014
Well, last night did not turn out that great to be honest. My husband did not like the fact that I was trying to be transparent (so I now have a false name) because it will effect the kids and him , we had an argument, I went to bed at 7.30pm and did not sleep. When he came to bed he said "you better not bloody snore because you have been drinking" I deliberately stayed awake all night so he would not have the amunition - how pathetic as I am so bloody tired. (if I was drunk I would not care) Yes I ended up drinking but for once, and I am proud of this fact, most of it ended up in the toilet with the self-esteem and self-worth. So today is day 1 yet again.
Today is a new day and I have just revisited what I wrote yesterday and I am proud of myself. I know it sounds stupid but I am pleased I have finally put down in writing how I felt. I am not pleased I picked up a drink but am pleased that I managed a nice dinner and cleaned up (which if I was drunk I would not do), had a laugh with my girls and helped with basics like drying hair. Normally on a Monday I would be passed out around 2pm but I took my youngest to get her eyebrows tinted (the one with the temper) because eyebrow pencils don't work. Well I think it is the best $20 I have spent in a long while because she was ready for school on time today yippee. My husband does not understand girls but that is OK.
Well it is now 10.30am my head is going mad. My son is lazying in bed because "he can" and it makes me so angry. However, I am not a great role model either. I have no real purpose so am not motivated as I would have been when I was working. There is only so much washing, housework one can do and quite frankly I can't be bothered and therefore it does not get done. Years ago I would not have had a thing out of place and washing and ironing and dinner would all be sorted.
It is my nephews' birthday today and I think he is 17. My brother and I have become distant and I know part of that is my drinking but there are other factors as well. We always used to be quite close and I used to do his accounts for him but now it is a "non-relationship". Like what you see on TV. All I can see is tension and frankly it is not worth it for my family or his. Goodness knows what is going to happen for Mum's birthday or Christmas as we all used to work together.
Years ago my mother would look after my kids and my brothers kids at my house in the summer time. I was working but the kids would have a blast splashing in the para pool, playing xbox, riding scooters and just hanging out. Those days are long gone. The last time by nephews came to my house they did not remember anything and yet I would have them for days on end (with the help of mum). Oh dear I can see the "pitty potty" has arrived. Life sucks and I need to do something positive so I will finish this later. I will finish this today because I want to and need to.
Ok the time is now 2.26pm on Tuesday afternoon. I have been to the dentist (eek) and have to go back tomorrow because I have a broken tooth (double eek). I walked in the door this afternoon and got a lovely welcome from my son. "What do you want?" Umm I live here and I am your mother but nevertheless I have left him alone and am sitting in peace on the computer upstairs. That behaviour makes me want to go straight out and get a drink and then stick my finger in the air and say "screw you" and I have done that so many times I think he thinks that is what I will do so he has removed the car keys. I really don't care because I am not going to do that I am so bloody determined. I am about to go downstairs and start thinking about what I am making for dinner and to do the reamainder of the ironing left over from last week but I can't stand the fact that my son thinks that the computer downstairs is his.
Well, do I have to eat humble pie or what! My son has been researching addiction and because the programme on Sunday with Mrs D inspired me (and he obviously took notice of this and has been doing his own research) he showed me several videos about addiction and near death experiences.
OK it is now 3.00pm and my husband has decided to come home because I was upset. Now I really really want a drink and put the finger in the air saying "screw you". I am struggling to be civilised because he has come home to read my blog (although he says not) and to 'encourage me" . I know he means well but his encouragement is like a naszi interrogation and not very helpful. He will be very hurt if he reads this but I am hoping he wont because I am not out to hurt anyone I am just trying to put down in writing how I feel in the hope that it helps me get well.
An overwhelming depression has just hit me. Why does my husband feel the need to come blasting home. He is skulking in our bedroom (keeping and eye on me) and frankly it pisses me off. He treats and talks to me like a bloody child. That is my impression not his. I will need to make sure he can not access this blog.
Today is a new day and I have just revisited what I wrote yesterday and I am proud of myself. I know it sounds stupid but I am pleased I have finally put down in writing how I felt. I am not pleased I picked up a drink but am pleased that I managed a nice dinner and cleaned up (which if I was drunk I would not do), had a laugh with my girls and helped with basics like drying hair. Normally on a Monday I would be passed out around 2pm but I took my youngest to get her eyebrows tinted (the one with the temper) because eyebrow pencils don't work. Well I think it is the best $20 I have spent in a long while because she was ready for school on time today yippee. My husband does not understand girls but that is OK.
Well it is now 10.30am my head is going mad. My son is lazying in bed because "he can" and it makes me so angry. However, I am not a great role model either. I have no real purpose so am not motivated as I would have been when I was working. There is only so much washing, housework one can do and quite frankly I can't be bothered and therefore it does not get done. Years ago I would not have had a thing out of place and washing and ironing and dinner would all be sorted.
It is my nephews' birthday today and I think he is 17. My brother and I have become distant and I know part of that is my drinking but there are other factors as well. We always used to be quite close and I used to do his accounts for him but now it is a "non-relationship". Like what you see on TV. All I can see is tension and frankly it is not worth it for my family or his. Goodness knows what is going to happen for Mum's birthday or Christmas as we all used to work together.
Years ago my mother would look after my kids and my brothers kids at my house in the summer time. I was working but the kids would have a blast splashing in the para pool, playing xbox, riding scooters and just hanging out. Those days are long gone. The last time by nephews came to my house they did not remember anything and yet I would have them for days on end (with the help of mum). Oh dear I can see the "pitty potty" has arrived. Life sucks and I need to do something positive so I will finish this later. I will finish this today because I want to and need to.
Ok the time is now 2.26pm on Tuesday afternoon. I have been to the dentist (eek) and have to go back tomorrow because I have a broken tooth (double eek). I walked in the door this afternoon and got a lovely welcome from my son. "What do you want?" Umm I live here and I am your mother but nevertheless I have left him alone and am sitting in peace on the computer upstairs. That behaviour makes me want to go straight out and get a drink and then stick my finger in the air and say "screw you" and I have done that so many times I think he thinks that is what I will do so he has removed the car keys. I really don't care because I am not going to do that I am so bloody determined. I am about to go downstairs and start thinking about what I am making for dinner and to do the reamainder of the ironing left over from last week but I can't stand the fact that my son thinks that the computer downstairs is his.
Well, do I have to eat humble pie or what! My son has been researching addiction and because the programme on Sunday with Mrs D inspired me (and he obviously took notice of this and has been doing his own research) he showed me several videos about addiction and near death experiences.
OK it is now 3.00pm and my husband has decided to come home because I was upset. Now I really really want a drink and put the finger in the air saying "screw you". I am struggling to be civilised because he has come home to read my blog (although he says not) and to 'encourage me" . I know he means well but his encouragement is like a naszi interrogation and not very helpful. He will be very hurt if he reads this but I am hoping he wont because I am not out to hurt anyone I am just trying to put down in writing how I feel in the hope that it helps me get well.
An overwhelming depression has just hit me. Why does my husband feel the need to come blasting home. He is skulking in our bedroom (keeping and eye on me) and frankly it pisses me off. He treats and talks to me like a bloody child. That is my impression not his. I will need to make sure he can not access this blog.
Time to offload - Day 1 of my new life (23 June 2014)
I was watching "Sunday" last night and this amazing lady was
telling my story. I just wish I could reach out and hug her and tell her how
much her story impacted me and my family. Unlike Mrs D we were not all in
onesies last night (well I had pjs on and a dressing gown because it was so
bloody cold). My husband and children watched the interview and I was amazed
and they were educated at the same time.
Mrs D started off by writing down her feelings to try and beat this horrible addiction called alcoholism. I don't want to be a "copycat" but think it is a great way of reminding myself of where this addiction has taken me.
To start with I am 48 years old and a mother of three teenagers. I have a son aged 17 and two daughters aged 15 and 13. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 25 years.
I remember the day I picked up a drink by myself it was 17 Feb 2001. It was my sons' 4th birthday party and my husband was stuck down in the South Island and could not get back. I wanted to be "super mum" and have the best party ever. However, my youngest was only 6 weeks old (and very grizzly) and my middle child was almost 2. I remember having a kitchen full of people trying to help and although that was great I did not want that because I wanted to do it by myself but i couldn't. I think the kids had a great time. Well everyone left, kids were happy, I said I did not need help, but I did, I cleaned up, went and got a bottle of wine and before I even opened it I phoned my father-inlaw in Auckland and he told me to "stop being so emotional that your husband was away and it is expected that you will cope". Frankly, I did not cope. I did not get drunk but I cried and was very angry.
Problem was, that the anger was pushed down because my husband was doing his best and I was "super mum". Much like Mrs D, super mum and horribly lonely. I coped for many years on the surface only.
Our baby who by this time had turned into a "nightmare" was about three. Now she had the worst temper ever and I used to cringe everytime I would go anywhere that she would scream. I don't mean cry I mean scream and scream. We once had a person come and complain about her screaming. I said "you should try living with it". It was my fault really because I was working, had a nanny, husband away, had one at school and one at kindy and so would just give her what she wanted.
I used to feed the kids around 5.30pm and bath the and put them to bed around 7pm by that time I would be on my second glass of wine.
My husband had to travel for work and I was an "up-standing" accountant who held an important job and was well respected. Well this changed very dramatically as you will see below.
On 10 September 2007 I had a phone call from my mother around 10.05am at work. Unfortunately I was in the smoko room with all of my colleagues and they heard the conversation that my father had been taken seriously ill and I needed to come. I vividly remember my accounts clerk lady saying to me " You need to prepare yourself as your father will be dead". Well, I picked up mum from her house and although I knew inwardly that he was dead I did not want to accept it. I did not see the worst as my poor brother was working with him at the time and tried unsuccessfully to revive him. I dropped mum off at A & E and went to find a carpark. Mum had seen the worst of dad as they prepared him to go to ICU. I know it sounds harsh and if my family read this it will be another thing not to forgive me for but, I wish he had died at the time it would have taken away the anxiety. Mum always says he died on 10th September although he clinically died on 12 September 2007. Well I have have said it.
I will have to come back later as this is all very raw and hard and I want to go and get drunk but I know it wont help so I am going to cuddle my dogs.
I am back now after a break, half a block of chocolate and 2 cups of soup and no housework!
So, back at the hospital the decision was made to turn off life support and it was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. Waiting for this person you love who is "wired up" to stop breathing appeared very mechanical and shocking but I could not cry. I vividly recall my brother saying that "it sucks waiting for someone to die". Well that is what we did. Nature took its course.
Long story short, as the months progressed I found it harder and harder to accept that he had gone and I could not forgive myself for not being able to cry at his funeral. This fact was pointed out to me regularly from my employer at the time. Along comes my "friend" wine. It was relatively easy as my husband was still away a lot, I was still holding down a job and running the house and as far as everyone outside of my head knew there was nothing wrong.
Fast forward a few months. The drinking was progressing at great a rate. I was still not drinking until I had finished work and picked up kids and done the sports stuff but I was drinking earlier and earlier. I was not drinking and driving at that stage.
I think it was about a year after dad passed away that I changed jobs. By this stage the drinking was daily and my husband was starting to see some cracks appearing. I would quite ofter fall asleep on the couch, or bath, and wake in the middle of the night wondering where I was and what I had done with the bottle and whether there was any left for the next day.
In October 2008 my youngest had this massive temper tantrum that lasted for hours (and that is no exaggeration) and I had said that if she did not behave I would take her to nana's for the night. Well, she continued and I asked my husband if he could take her but the All Blacks were playing and that was far more important. Anyhow, I was so angry but I had a few drinks that I got in the car and drove her to my mothers house. This was the very first time I drank and drove and I was picked up by the police and consequently lost my licence for 6 months. That was the very beginning of my demise!
Not very long after this I lost my first job and I was absolutely mortified. I was a professional woman who had been "head hunted" and I screwed it up. I was not drinking at work but had left for the day (I was working until 2pm) and gone to Countdown and bought a bottle of wine and proceeded to drink it in the public toilets in the Westfield mall. I then decided (stupidly) to go back to work to get some stuff from my desk. That was the end of me! I behaved badly and was dismissed a week later. This was the "icing on the cake" for my demise. This is when the drinking really started getting bad.
I had lost a parent, I had lost my licence and I had lost a job. My self-esteem was down the toilet. We have spent $000 and I mean $000s if not $100,000 well it will be pretty bloody close to it. On Rehab (because I had to go to the best one and most expensive), lawyers, car accidents, loss of disposable income and that is all I can think of at the moment but no doubt there is much much more.
Moving forward now to 2014. I have still lost a parent and that will never change, now lost my licence 3 times and potentially 4 and have lost at least 3 jobs. I have also lost many friends, my close family have distanced themselves from me, my husband and children don't trust me and my self-worth is down the toilet with the self-esteem. It is now time to get off the "pity-potty" and use Mrs D as an inspiration.
Mrs D started off by writing down her feelings to try and beat this horrible addiction called alcoholism. I don't want to be a "copycat" but think it is a great way of reminding myself of where this addiction has taken me.
To start with I am 48 years old and a mother of three teenagers. I have a son aged 17 and two daughters aged 15 and 13. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 25 years.
I remember the day I picked up a drink by myself it was 17 Feb 2001. It was my sons' 4th birthday party and my husband was stuck down in the South Island and could not get back. I wanted to be "super mum" and have the best party ever. However, my youngest was only 6 weeks old (and very grizzly) and my middle child was almost 2. I remember having a kitchen full of people trying to help and although that was great I did not want that because I wanted to do it by myself but i couldn't. I think the kids had a great time. Well everyone left, kids were happy, I said I did not need help, but I did, I cleaned up, went and got a bottle of wine and before I even opened it I phoned my father-inlaw in Auckland and he told me to "stop being so emotional that your husband was away and it is expected that you will cope". Frankly, I did not cope. I did not get drunk but I cried and was very angry.
Problem was, that the anger was pushed down because my husband was doing his best and I was "super mum". Much like Mrs D, super mum and horribly lonely. I coped for many years on the surface only.
Our baby who by this time had turned into a "nightmare" was about three. Now she had the worst temper ever and I used to cringe everytime I would go anywhere that she would scream. I don't mean cry I mean scream and scream. We once had a person come and complain about her screaming. I said "you should try living with it". It was my fault really because I was working, had a nanny, husband away, had one at school and one at kindy and so would just give her what she wanted.
I used to feed the kids around 5.30pm and bath the and put them to bed around 7pm by that time I would be on my second glass of wine.
My husband had to travel for work and I was an "up-standing" accountant who held an important job and was well respected. Well this changed very dramatically as you will see below.
On 10 September 2007 I had a phone call from my mother around 10.05am at work. Unfortunately I was in the smoko room with all of my colleagues and they heard the conversation that my father had been taken seriously ill and I needed to come. I vividly remember my accounts clerk lady saying to me " You need to prepare yourself as your father will be dead". Well, I picked up mum from her house and although I knew inwardly that he was dead I did not want to accept it. I did not see the worst as my poor brother was working with him at the time and tried unsuccessfully to revive him. I dropped mum off at A & E and went to find a carpark. Mum had seen the worst of dad as they prepared him to go to ICU. I know it sounds harsh and if my family read this it will be another thing not to forgive me for but, I wish he had died at the time it would have taken away the anxiety. Mum always says he died on 10th September although he clinically died on 12 September 2007. Well I have have said it.
I will have to come back later as this is all very raw and hard and I want to go and get drunk but I know it wont help so I am going to cuddle my dogs.
I am back now after a break, half a block of chocolate and 2 cups of soup and no housework!
So, back at the hospital the decision was made to turn off life support and it was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. Waiting for this person you love who is "wired up" to stop breathing appeared very mechanical and shocking but I could not cry. I vividly recall my brother saying that "it sucks waiting for someone to die". Well that is what we did. Nature took its course.
Long story short, as the months progressed I found it harder and harder to accept that he had gone and I could not forgive myself for not being able to cry at his funeral. This fact was pointed out to me regularly from my employer at the time. Along comes my "friend" wine. It was relatively easy as my husband was still away a lot, I was still holding down a job and running the house and as far as everyone outside of my head knew there was nothing wrong.
Fast forward a few months. The drinking was progressing at great a rate. I was still not drinking until I had finished work and picked up kids and done the sports stuff but I was drinking earlier and earlier. I was not drinking and driving at that stage.
I think it was about a year after dad passed away that I changed jobs. By this stage the drinking was daily and my husband was starting to see some cracks appearing. I would quite ofter fall asleep on the couch, or bath, and wake in the middle of the night wondering where I was and what I had done with the bottle and whether there was any left for the next day.
In October 2008 my youngest had this massive temper tantrum that lasted for hours (and that is no exaggeration) and I had said that if she did not behave I would take her to nana's for the night. Well, she continued and I asked my husband if he could take her but the All Blacks were playing and that was far more important. Anyhow, I was so angry but I had a few drinks that I got in the car and drove her to my mothers house. This was the very first time I drank and drove and I was picked up by the police and consequently lost my licence for 6 months. That was the very beginning of my demise!
Not very long after this I lost my first job and I was absolutely mortified. I was a professional woman who had been "head hunted" and I screwed it up. I was not drinking at work but had left for the day (I was working until 2pm) and gone to Countdown and bought a bottle of wine and proceeded to drink it in the public toilets in the Westfield mall. I then decided (stupidly) to go back to work to get some stuff from my desk. That was the end of me! I behaved badly and was dismissed a week later. This was the "icing on the cake" for my demise. This is when the drinking really started getting bad.
I had lost a parent, I had lost my licence and I had lost a job. My self-esteem was down the toilet. We have spent $000 and I mean $000s if not $100,000 well it will be pretty bloody close to it. On Rehab (because I had to go to the best one and most expensive), lawyers, car accidents, loss of disposable income and that is all I can think of at the moment but no doubt there is much much more.
Moving forward now to 2014. I have still lost a parent and that will never change, now lost my licence 3 times and potentially 4 and have lost at least 3 jobs. I have also lost many friends, my close family have distanced themselves from me, my husband and children don't trust me and my self-worth is down the toilet with the self-esteem. It is now time to get off the "pity-potty" and use Mrs D as an inspiration.
Today
23 June 2014 is day 5 of my sobriety. I can normally make 10 days before the
cravings and crazy thoughts take over so I am hoping by blogging (which I have
never done in my life) will be a reminder to me on a daily basis why I never
ever want to pick up another drink again.
I have Mrs D to thank for the inspiration to do something different because nothing else has worked at this stage.
Off to make dinner and I am sober for the first Monday in I don't know how long. Yippee :)
I have Mrs D to thank for the inspiration to do something different because nothing else has worked at this stage.
Off to make dinner and I am sober for the first Monday in I don't know how long. Yippee :)
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