Sunday, 26th October 2014 - I feel like a new person.

The events of the last couple of weeks have taken a positive toll on me and I have finally been offered and accepted a job. Now that I know how hard it was to get a job I am certainly not going to jeopardise it by drinking and screwing it up. Thankfully, the job is away from any temptation not close to any bars or supermarkets and straight off the motorway in the suburbs. I know that I will be successful this time. I just know it.

I have also spent the last two weeks doing a volunteer work at the local Hospice Shop for one morning a week. I am thrilled that my new job will not take me away from the volunteer work as I will be working 4 days for paid work and one morning volunteering giving me an afternoon to catch up on chores before the weekend. I will be busy, but I need to be because the "not been busy" or not feeling like I had a purpose has fuelled the drinking over the years and the longer I have been out of work the lower my self-esteem went, the less motivated I was and therefore the more I drank.

I am back to day 3 again today but that is Ok. I am confident that I can avoid the dreaded alcohol from now on as it is my only chance to get my career back on track.

Today has been a very productive day with hubby and I and our youngest outside in the garden cleaning up. I was really pleased with my youngest child as she normally slops around the house on the weekend in pjs, watching tv and eating but today she motivated herself and was up and dressed by 10am! Yesterday she decided that should would help me and did some vacuuming and washed the floors and then got inspired and mowed the lawns. She did a great job of everything and I told her how much we appreciated her efforts and how much we enjoyed pottering around with her.

My son also lifted his butt yesterday and helped hubby lay concrete.  My middle child has spent most of the weekend away but she is coming home early tomorrow (midday) because it is a public holiday and she has been told she needs to come and chip in as well.

I am actually really surprised because we have not had the normal grumbling and I think that everyone is feeling the positive energy of me finally securing a job. I think it has lifted everyones spirits.

But, and there is a big but, I need to keep focused, not get stressed, live in the moment, not buy into other peoples bullshit and visit my sober cyber community and blog as often as I can and support as many people as I can. I know what I am like that if I get stressed or complacent because that is when I put myself in danger and then get the "Fuck its" and the rest is a disaster.

This is definately a new beginning for me and my family and I feel really positive about it.

xx

Wednesday, 15th October 2014 - My First Day as a Volunteer :)

It has been a while since I posted and I really need to discipline myself to post more regularly because it is really helpful for me to get everything out of my head.

I was just reading a post by Granny Gets Sober and I had to laugh because she mentioned how her brain has "Mexican Stand off's" at regular intervals. I can so relate to that where one part of my brain is saying "drink" and the other part is saying "don't". Unfortunately the side that says "drink" tends to win more often than not but not today.

I decided a few weeks back that my brain is rotting. Not just because of alcohol but also because of lack of stimulation and adult company so I decided to phone up the local hospice and see if I could help in any way. They were delighted but I was very open and honest with them about my drinking issue. I specifically said that I did not want to be around or know about any alcohol because it would be too tempting. They have alcohol on site because if the patients want "a whiskey with breakfast" they get to have it no questions asked.

They decided that I would be a good person to work at the Hospice Shop which sells good quality (and I mean good quality) second hand goods. Mostly clothes but very well cared for ones. I have just spent my first morning there today and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The work was menial - pricing and folding clothes and linen - but the ladies (mostly all volunteers) are lovely and I felt very welcome and for once I felt young again. I was the baby and I am pushing 49! Today gave me some much needed enrichment into my life and a purpose. I even went out yesterday afternoon a bought a couple of tops and a pair of shoes. I wore one of the tops, the shoes and some make-up and I felt like a brand new women. No alcohol for me today - I haven't even thought of it and I have been to the supermarket. I feel I am in a different "head-space" today.

I managed to be present for my 15 year old daughter today who rang me in tears to say that one of her friend hung himself on Monday night! This was a big shock to her as he had only just turned 15 himself. She rang me when I was volunteering to ask if she could join in with another 3 kids and go and see he body and say goodbye. At first I was reluctant because everyone I know finds it very upsetting to see a dead body and especially one that had his whole life in front of him. The school gave them some time off and has offered counselling if needbe. They caught the bus over to his house (he is at home and not in a funeral parlour) and I texted to say that I would come and pick therm up. I am really pleased I did because they appeared to really appreciate it and it gave them some time to compose themselves before heading back to school. If I was drinking today there would be no way that I would of offered to go and pick them up as I would have been too self - centred and wouldn't care less. I am planning just to be there for my daughter tonight to listen to her if she wants to tell me about her feelings and how she coped with seeing a friend so young dead. I am hoping that she wont go and  cut herself as that appears to be the way she copes. Unfortunately, that leaves physical obvious scares which she will have for life.

All I know is that today I am grateful to be alive and thankful that I am not a parent of the boy who hung himself. That would be absolutely devastating to lose a child and especially to suicide.

Today is a good day to be alive.

I am alive - just and I mean just.

Today is Monday 6th October 2014 and I am grateful to be here.

Alcohol almost took my life combined with sleeping pills. I  am only alive because I rang the ambulance to say that I overdosed. I must not have really wanted to die. A very close call.

Those of you who get upset about my posts don't read on and please don't comment. I am warning you now  the rest of my post will be upsetting as it is to me. I am only posting because I need to offload and refocus.

On Friday 26th September 2014 I went to the GP for a normal checkup and to get my normal meds. We had a discussion about how much progress I have made in the last couple of years with my attitude toward drinking and it was all positive. We decided that I should come off one of my normal meds (for anxiety)  and doctor said "you will not sleep for a couple of days so I will give you some sleeping tablets but YOU MUST NOT DRINK WITH THEM".  That was great, I was in a positive frame of mind and went to the chemist and got the script filled. The day turned to custard - middle child sleeping around and having unprotected sex with a possibility of having a STD. I used any excuse but the gist of it is that I decided to drink and take the meds and ended up in ICU.

I called the ambulance because I realised that I had taken pills with alcohol. Woke up in ICU  but my poor family were traumatized. Things not been the same since.

Anyway, aside from all the drama I am pleased to be alive and take life on lifes terms.

Poor Me, Poor Me - Don't you Pour Me a Drink Because I don't Bloody Want it

How to start this post.

Grrrrr fucken Grrrrrr F F F F - Get the idea that I am little peeved?

Ok, I have had my bubble burst. I was so keen to get myself "up and running" again I proposed an Ad in the local rag. I was proud of the Ad, I got mum to have an honest opinion and had her comments on board. I submitted the Ad and it was great but just pay $150+. I can't afford that and now I feel stupid because me being an Accountant in my previous life knows that - Advertising is the key". We don't have the cash, the credit or anything and I am once again feeling like I have let everyone down. I even got a rejection today from a "bookkeeping" firm to say "They could not take on qualified accountants and would not (WOULD NOT) take anyone on who would make them embarrassed. Fair enough I say. But how do I reinvent myself without making a "dick" (or more of a dick) of myself. Do I need to relocate?

Wednesday, 17th September 2014. Spring has definitely sprung!

I love spring. I love the light mornings and the warmer days but still the crisp evenings so that you can sleep well, I love the spring flowers, the birds singing and the smell of freshly cut grass. I am loving it even more because I a not drinking my way through spring. I am enjoying each day as it comes. Some are good days and some are not so good but, that is life, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint and I have had the odd drink in the last couple of weeks but nothing to the extent I was drinking. I really don't want to drink at all so I need to be vigilant to put things in front of that bloody bottle.

I have been a bit low about the work situation (or lack of) because I hate having to watch our pennies. Not that we were extravagant necessarily but we could normally afford to take the kids somewhere out of the country for a couple weeks a year. They are very fortunate as they have been to OZ quite a lot, England, France and USA. They don't actually realise how lucky they have been as I never got on an aeroplane until I was 19 and that was a 1 hour domestic flight. Their cousins have not been on a plane at all and the furthest they have travelled is to Auckland. With my lack of income and costs involved in drinking - lawyers, fines, inability to get employment, accidents etc it has really stretched us financially to the point we actually almost rang completely out of cash last month!

I have applied for a number of jobs and have been fortunate to get to the "interview stage" and have quite often been second choice. Second choice is great but does not get you the job. Some people have suggested perhaps I set up a mobile accounting service and I might investigate doing that but I am a bit embarrassed because of my drinking and I really don't know how much it will affect me getting work but I suppose if I don't try it and I wont have any chance of  proving myself. So I have decided to "strike while the iron is hot" and go and put an add in the local rag and see what happens.

I am already feeling more positive and will get out into the garden and perhaps go for a walk.

Sept 12th 2014 - An anniversary I would rather forget.

Here I am after promising myself that I would blog daily this week only just sitting down at the computer to do so. Friday at 12.25pm  What does that indicate about me? I can't follow through?, I get distracted and need to focus on what I need to do.

At 10.30am on Sept 12th 2007 we (mum, brother and hubby and I ) made a hard decision  to turn off the life-support for dad as he was "brain-dead" after suffering from a massive heart attack two days earlier. It was a horrible thing to do but it was even worse sitting in ICU in a surreal situation waiting for someone to be pronounced clinically dead. My brother said to me "it sucks just waiting for someone to die".

I was the "soldier, the "rock"". The person who made the decisions seem logical to mum and brother. I found out what mum wanted and dealt with the funeral home, I went through the bank accounts and got mum a EFTPOS card and helped her write a cheque out - she could not cope at the time.. I was so bloody strong my boss at the time asked me "are you human, I have never been to a funeral where the daughter did not cry?". I physically could not cry and I felt as if I let my dad down. Dad hated it when I cried he would say "cheriesee, don't cry the world has too much water it needs sunshine and smiles".

My Nana died (I so adored her) at the age of 95 in a nursing home. She was dads mum. The funeral was sad but, lets face it, she was 95 and had a great life. Mum, dad and I were sitting around the dinning room table after the funeral and dad said "next funeral I go to, I will be in the box". He was, 6 weeks after Nana died dad followed!

A month after dad died my drinking hit the wall. Oh, calm collected sensible me could not cope with the fact that my dad "checked out" at 62. I was angry, so so angry and I used wine to try and swash it down. It worked for a while until I got done for DIC and then lost a job. Two DIC later and four jobs the rest is history.

I have this overwhelming desire to drink and go to the beach and yell and scream.. Will any of that make me feel better? I doubt it - if I drink I will feel remorseful and sick, it I go to the beach and yell and scream I will feel like an idiot. So I am going to make brownies.

The sun is shining and I will make dad proud by not drinking.

Sunday, 7th September 2014 - Yes I am still aound.

Well it has been quite a busy week for me and a very emotional one as well. I noticed some people asking if I was doing OK. To answer the questions "yes" I am doing OK this week. I have been busy and have taken some time to think about my blogging and how it appears to be affecting some people with my honesty and I have been wondering what to do about that.

When I first set this blog up it was after I watched Mrs D on Sunday and her inspirational story of how she managed to get and stay sober by herself with the help of an online community. I thought that was a great idea for me to document how I was travelling and it is primarily for my purpose. I could always make my blog "private" but I would rather not because my family is following my journey as well as some of my other friends as well as a lot of other people who have given me some encouraging comments and support.  There are those who have provoked some deep thought from me out of pure concern which is a good thing. It is always interesting getting comments because you never really know how someone will interpret the things you write. So I have decided that I am going to continue blogging as part of my journey as well as posting on Living Sober as well. I guess that if my blog upsets or concerns people then they chose whether they wish to continue following me or not. I don't deliberately set out to concern people but I need to be really honest with myself if I have any hope of betting this hideous addiction. I will beat it.

When I said the last week was busy I meant that I have deliberately making sure that I am keeping myself busy because September is an emotional month for me. Last week on 4th September would have been my dad's birthday if he was alive. It was the first time that I have got through that particular day without drinking since he passed away 7 years ago. I was extremely proud of myself for managing this year not to be selfish and think that my dad would not want me drunk on his birthday. The last birthday he had was at my place 7 years ago (it co-incided with fathers day). On 10 September (just 6 days after he turned 62) he suffered a massive heart attack and effectively died but was kept alive on life support until 12 September when it was switched off. That is the beginning of my downward drinking career. So, for the first time in 7 years I got through his birthday without drinking and I am going to get through the two days this week without drinking as well.

I have been doing a lot of walking and this helping with keeping my moods stable and I have made a commitment to myself that I will blog every day this coming week to monitor how I am going.