It is 9.05pm on Saturday evening and I have been thinking a lot about the events of this week as well as the comments I have had on this blog as well as Living Sober.
One question that I was prompted to ask myself was "do I want to die? If I do, then find a reason to live"! No I don't want to die I have so much to live for. I have three beautiful (albeit trying) kids, a loving and supportive husband and a cyber family that cares about me. So what am I missing? Well, I am missing myself really. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the person looking back at me and think "you are OK!". Now I look in the mirror and think "where have you gone?" I haven't gone anywhere, I have simply let myself be taken over by a poison that I no longer wish to put into my system. Someone commented that think of wine as drinking a bottle of bleach. I can definitely do that and I need to that as much as I can. The other thing I have not been doing is walking. I was walking at least 5 kms a day until about 3 weeks ago.
So back on track I am and I have also had a big difficult conversation with my family about triggers. My son is a big trigger for me as he has basically been on holiday for the last two years and is now about two years behind his peers in both education and life skills. He is almost 18 and has no motivation to do anything other than sit on his backside and use up broadband watching videos online. He is a bright boy and he is more than capable and he uses me as an excuse and I use him as an excuse. I need to accept the fact that we have done everything we possibly can to encourage him to better himself but we have also enabled him to do what he wants by letting him live at home. He blames my drinking but outwardly admits he is having a great time. So, I need to find a way to deal with this frustration without drinking and I have said that I will remove myself from the house - walk, coffee, shops or anything so that I don't get constantly angry and frustrated that he won't even leave the house to see what his opportunities are.
If I get myself sorted I am hoping he will follow suit. So back to the drawing board and basics. Look after me by eating well, sleeping and exercising. I was also reminded to post every day as well.
Thanks to all you lovely people I know I will make it. I have the resolve and I do not want alcohol to beat me. I will just stop fighting against it and start winning the battle. :)
Saturday, 30 August 2014
Friday, 29 August 2014
Friday, 29th August 2014 -Shame Same and more Shame
Well, I have been a bit up and down really. I had some good sober time (for me - 10 days) and then just crashed down in a heap. Who can I blame? Just me - always just me. No one else buys the shit, bring it home and pushes it down my throat - oh I do that all by myself..
Monday this week started out OK. But I drank in the end. Police arrived because son and I had a fight ( this is funny - he egged me but what wasn't funny was the physical threatening so police turned up and took son away for a couple hours ) poor me - yes I pured me a drink or 7 and son was not well as has shingles. I can use any excuse and I do. Maybe I am just not cut out for this sober business, maybe I am doomed to a life of misery and have sentenced my family to the same ? maybe I just want it to do it by itself without any work from me - I don't know.
Yesterday, Thursday I started out Ok but by 1pm I had had a drink and I had passed out somewhere on the road - woke up in hospital - intern said - madam, do you think you have a drinking problem?" I said "fuck yes I hate the shit". Why don't you try and moderate? By this time - I am still a bit pissed - I say "can you moderate? Oh yes - I only drink once a year and then I can only have half a glass of wine and feel woosy" How can people do that?
I hat alcohol and wish it was never ever invented and never sold at supermarkets - grrrr fucken grrrrr
Monday this week started out OK. But I drank in the end. Police arrived because son and I had a fight ( this is funny - he egged me but what wasn't funny was the physical threatening so police turned up and took son away for a couple hours ) poor me - yes I pured me a drink or 7 and son was not well as has shingles. I can use any excuse and I do. Maybe I am just not cut out for this sober business, maybe I am doomed to a life of misery and have sentenced my family to the same ? maybe I just want it to do it by itself without any work from me - I don't know.
Yesterday, Thursday I started out Ok but by 1pm I had had a drink and I had passed out somewhere on the road - woke up in hospital - intern said - madam, do you think you have a drinking problem?" I said "fuck yes I hate the shit". Why don't you try and moderate? By this time - I am still a bit pissed - I say "can you moderate? Oh yes - I only drink once a year and then I can only have half a glass of wine and feel woosy" How can people do that?
I hat alcohol and wish it was never ever invented and never sold at supermarkets - grrrr fucken grrrrr
Friday, 22 August 2014
Friday, 22 August 2014 - back to day one AGAIN
Yes yes, back to day 1 yet again. Why oh why do I keep doing "research"? Haven't I researched enough over the years to know that drinking and I don't get along? Apparently not - grrrrr.
On the positive side, and there is always a positive side (even if is minute) I had 10 days sober and I had not had 10 days sober since Easter this year gone. Am I pissed off at myself? You bet you I am so fucken angry with myself and if I could have a voodoo doll I will put a red hot poker up her butt. But I don't, but I have (my family aside) something far more precious and that is nothing but support to prop me up yet again - no angry faces, no arguments just pick yourself up and try again. It is amazing the amount of time people in recovery invest and care about each other. It is an unconditional caring.
I am actually really grumpy and I am trying to ignore this but my son who is almost 18 is still lying in bed and I know he is awakw. He is waiting for me to bite so he can throw yesterday back in my face. I am struggling to contain myself from having a go at him. Mum said ignore, ignore, ignore - I might have to go to the library for that because I am damed if I am going o use him as an excuse to drink today.
On the positive side, and there is always a positive side (even if is minute) I had 10 days sober and I had not had 10 days sober since Easter this year gone. Am I pissed off at myself? You bet you I am so fucken angry with myself and if I could have a voodoo doll I will put a red hot poker up her butt. But I don't, but I have (my family aside) something far more precious and that is nothing but support to prop me up yet again - no angry faces, no arguments just pick yourself up and try again. It is amazing the amount of time people in recovery invest and care about each other. It is an unconditional caring.
I am actually really grumpy and I am trying to ignore this but my son who is almost 18 is still lying in bed and I know he is awakw. He is waiting for me to bite so he can throw yesterday back in my face. I am struggling to contain myself from having a go at him. Mum said ignore, ignore, ignore - I might have to go to the library for that because I am damed if I am going o use him as an excuse to drink today.
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
Wednesday, 20th August 2014 - Day 9 but feeling very deflated.
I so need to do this now because I feel as I will lose the plot and therefore lose all of my hard work and let all the lovely people down who have been supporting me in the last 9 days.
It has been a journey, but then life is a journey whether you are drinking or not. For me, it is about trying to deal with situations as they come up in a rational manner.I used be to be great at that. I would be a mediator in high profile business meetings. I got to growl at the CEO's and put them back on "straight and narrow" and they took some things on board I never took crap and apparently I was "a force not to piss off" (don't know if that is good either). If I saw one of them todaywe would both hide away and pretend that I did not exist.
Today was the first day of my middle child "practice exams" for NCEA level 1. I think I stressed her out more than she was already. It is like I can't help myself - I need to feel useful but then at what point do you become a liability (ok accountnat term but I know what it means)
It is only 1.45pm so "calm the farm : Cherie
It has been a journey, but then life is a journey whether you are drinking or not. For me, it is about trying to deal with situations as they come up in a rational manner.I used be to be great at that. I would be a mediator in high profile business meetings. I got to growl at the CEO's and put them back on "straight and narrow" and they took some things on board I never took crap and apparently I was "a force not to piss off" (don't know if that is good either). If I saw one of them todaywe would both hide away and pretend that I did not exist.
Today was the first day of my middle child "practice exams" for NCEA level 1. I think I stressed her out more than she was already. It is like I can't help myself - I need to feel useful but then at what point do you become a liability (ok accountnat term but I know what it means)
It is only 1.45pm so "calm the farm : Cherie
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Sunday 17th August 2014 - End of Another Weekend.
Here I am on Sunday evening at 9.05pm reflecting on my last 6 days of sobriety. I made it to 7 days last week and then got trashed and through it all out of the window,
It has been a pretty typical Sunday with an added bonus of making my mum a birthday lunch that she could share with our family. It was a lovely day and the kids were fantastic and actually stayed downstairs and interacted with everyone and had a laugh,.The normally bugger off to their rooms or on the various computers we have around the place. I even watched Lion King 2 (yes the cartoon kids version) with my 15 year old. Go figure.
The only negative thing that really happened today is that my AA sponsor decided that she could no longer sponsor me because I am not attending heaps of AA meetings. I have chosen to spend my time blogging and interacting on The Living Sober site as I find that it is almost like a constant AA meeting with no restrictions of how much you can share or how long you can spend on the sites. I have found that I am getting a lot of support and encouragement on both sites. Don't get me wrong, I got lots of support from AA as well but I am a bit of "an AA failure". I say that in respect that I am still slipping in my recovery. I get a few days up and them pick up a drink and have to start all over again. I don't want to continue doing that but it appears to just happen as part of my journey. I have had more sober days in the last 6 weeks since I have been blogging and since The Living Sober site has been up than I have had for a very long time. The longest I have been sober this year is 10 days and tomorrow I am back to day 7 so am adamant to continue.
Monday's seem to be a difficult day for me and I am not sure if it is boredom or habit that creates the cycle of drinking. Not that I drank last Monday but I did on Tuesday, I need to bring it back to the "now" during the week and I need to make sure that I plan my days properly so that I don't drift off along the drinking path as that is not a path I want to continue down.
I was reading Granny Gets Sober blog and she was talking about having an addictive personality. I certainly have an addictive personality and I never do things by half - either good or bad. I boarder on obssessive at times and my father in law once offended me by calling me a "control freak". I still have a resentment against him for that!
So my plans for tomorrow are to go for a walk, do some cleaning and some baking a spend time on my bum reading blogs, interacting on Living Sober website and just trying not to listen to the chatter in my head.
This week is going to be a bit of a challenge because my middle child has her "practice exams" for NCEA level 1 for the next two week. I need to not nag her and to accept the fact that she probably won't do that well in them, I am not being mean it is just a fact that she has far too much time wagging this year that she will have gaps in her learning that will make it difficult for her to pass. We have had a letter from the school basically saying that they don't think she is likely to achieve unless we get her extra tutoring because of the absences. She has some credits towards level 1 but only 34 and the school indicated that in order to pass, their research shows that kids should have at least 50 credits by this stage, I don't want to be negative and I have told her that she needs to sit the practice exams to see what the gaps are for her final exams in November. Unfortunatel, she is much like me and I can sense that she has actually given up and is unlikely to even front up for the exams. Not that I did that but for me, if things get too hard I pick up a drink.
I need to focus on me this week because if I can remain sober things will run smoothly.
It has been a pretty typical Sunday with an added bonus of making my mum a birthday lunch that she could share with our family. It was a lovely day and the kids were fantastic and actually stayed downstairs and interacted with everyone and had a laugh,.The normally bugger off to their rooms or on the various computers we have around the place. I even watched Lion King 2 (yes the cartoon kids version) with my 15 year old. Go figure.
The only negative thing that really happened today is that my AA sponsor decided that she could no longer sponsor me because I am not attending heaps of AA meetings. I have chosen to spend my time blogging and interacting on The Living Sober site as I find that it is almost like a constant AA meeting with no restrictions of how much you can share or how long you can spend on the sites. I have found that I am getting a lot of support and encouragement on both sites. Don't get me wrong, I got lots of support from AA as well but I am a bit of "an AA failure". I say that in respect that I am still slipping in my recovery. I get a few days up and them pick up a drink and have to start all over again. I don't want to continue doing that but it appears to just happen as part of my journey. I have had more sober days in the last 6 weeks since I have been blogging and since The Living Sober site has been up than I have had for a very long time. The longest I have been sober this year is 10 days and tomorrow I am back to day 7 so am adamant to continue.
Monday's seem to be a difficult day for me and I am not sure if it is boredom or habit that creates the cycle of drinking. Not that I drank last Monday but I did on Tuesday, I need to bring it back to the "now" during the week and I need to make sure that I plan my days properly so that I don't drift off along the drinking path as that is not a path I want to continue down.
I was reading Granny Gets Sober blog and she was talking about having an addictive personality. I certainly have an addictive personality and I never do things by half - either good or bad. I boarder on obssessive at times and my father in law once offended me by calling me a "control freak". I still have a resentment against him for that!
So my plans for tomorrow are to go for a walk, do some cleaning and some baking a spend time on my bum reading blogs, interacting on Living Sober website and just trying not to listen to the chatter in my head.
This week is going to be a bit of a challenge because my middle child has her "practice exams" for NCEA level 1 for the next two week. I need to not nag her and to accept the fact that she probably won't do that well in them, I am not being mean it is just a fact that she has far too much time wagging this year that she will have gaps in her learning that will make it difficult for her to pass. We have had a letter from the school basically saying that they don't think she is likely to achieve unless we get her extra tutoring because of the absences. She has some credits towards level 1 but only 34 and the school indicated that in order to pass, their research shows that kids should have at least 50 credits by this stage, I don't want to be negative and I have told her that she needs to sit the practice exams to see what the gaps are for her final exams in November. Unfortunatel, she is much like me and I can sense that she has actually given up and is unlikely to even front up for the exams. Not that I did that but for me, if things get too hard I pick up a drink.
I need to focus on me this week because if I can remain sober things will run smoothly.
Friday, 15 August 2014
Friday, 15th August 2014 - Tests, tests and more tests.
I have been happily interacting with members on Living Sober site but I feel I need to offload big time.
I have been tested to the core for the last 2 days. Firstly, yesterday was Thursday and I had completed a "test drive" for a car brand and they had offered me a cookbook. So, I did the test drive and yesterday instead of a cookbook - three bottles of wine were delivered. I don't know about others but my "alkie brain said yes, yes" ) bring it om! My thoughts were going haywire. What are "my options" I thought.. Option 1 was to tip it out, Option 2 was to give it away and Option 3 - drink it. I am an impulsive person and I believe that is a product of drinking. My impulses don't normally work out well. This time it did. I asked my son if he would tip them out. He was gagging to tip them out from the time they arrived. Apparently, they were very expensive bottles of wine. I didn't want them and I phoned and complained - hello what is wrong with me? I to them - "what if you have a drinking problem and don't want wine delivered?". The young lady counted by saying - "the research shows (listen to this - it will make you laugh) these bottles of wine should last you a "life time" I asked if she drank - Oh no only a half a glass of wine sometimes- I would drink the whole bottle in onw go and don't care it if is a $5 or $500 bottle. What is wrong with these people.
So today, 15 Aug 2014, is my mums birthday. I had plans to give her a voucher and a yummy lunch from the very expensive bakery. In the meantime, I had stopped at the bank, gone and got her a voucher and saw a lady I knew from AA. She was drunk and high and I was “her best friend ever”. Took me a while to extract myself from her grip – she is a big lady with a very firm grip!!. I then got to the carpark and we have a car key that is attached to the fob bit (the bit you can remotely lock and unlock). Well, the bloody key fell off and I spent 10 mins trying to get it out of the lock. Me being a bit stressed by this point as I am running ll\nd I know mum worries about me drinking I go to the bakery. I do a u-turn and reverse into the carpark but I accidentally bump into the car behind. Bloody f**** f**** f*** the car was full of muftil cops. I just about died. I broke out into a sweat and started to shake and thought I cannot disappoint mum on her birthday. I hadn’t been drinking but I knew that they would want to tick and cross all the boxes because of my DIC history. So embarrassed I had to wait for a “marked – car” (by this time I am wanting to crawl under the car and hide away. Marked cars create nosey people who have nothing better than gossip. Where I live, there is always someone that knows you or who you are!!. ). So I am breath testered and it came up with zero and I did what Mrs D suggested and asked to photograph the machine to post it. Oh no, you can’t do that because someone might get into the software and change it. _ I think they thought I was quite mad even asking. I am so so grateful that there was no damage to either of the cars. Just to my pride. They did point out, however, that if I had damaged the police car it would be costly. By this time I am shaking and trying to hold it together. They then announce that they will not allow me to drive for the next 12 hours. That was at 11.25am. The chap was really nice and offered to drive our car home (and I was allowed to sit in the passenger seat and not in the police car). I was so embarrassed that I got them to park the car down the street. They reiterated to me that if I got in the car and attempted to put it in the garage I would be going to court. Si, I phoned a taxi to go to mum’s and 5 mins later the police car drove passed me and then another 5 mins another police car drove passed me. I didn’t get in the car but I really want to go and pick up my girls but too bad, do sad, they can walk. It is so not worth it to lose my licence because I drove the car down the driveway. You may be wondering, why did I not let the police office drive the car down the driveway? The answer is that my son would have had a fit and rung my husband and ruined my mums birthday. I was lucky, because my son is so focused on sitting on his behind in the office with the curtains closed, he did not even notice that the car was not in the garage and I have closed the garage door.
I have been tested to the core for the last 2 days. Firstly, yesterday was Thursday and I had completed a "test drive" for a car brand and they had offered me a cookbook. So, I did the test drive and yesterday instead of a cookbook - three bottles of wine were delivered. I don't know about others but my "alkie brain said yes, yes" ) bring it om! My thoughts were going haywire. What are "my options" I thought.. Option 1 was to tip it out, Option 2 was to give it away and Option 3 - drink it. I am an impulsive person and I believe that is a product of drinking. My impulses don't normally work out well. This time it did. I asked my son if he would tip them out. He was gagging to tip them out from the time they arrived. Apparently, they were very expensive bottles of wine. I didn't want them and I phoned and complained - hello what is wrong with me? I to them - "what if you have a drinking problem and don't want wine delivered?". The young lady counted by saying - "the research shows (listen to this - it will make you laugh) these bottles of wine should last you a "life time" I asked if she drank - Oh no only a half a glass of wine sometimes- I would drink the whole bottle in onw go and don't care it if is a $5 or $500 bottle. What is wrong with these people.
So today, 15 Aug 2014, is my mums birthday. I had plans to give her a voucher and a yummy lunch from the very expensive bakery. In the meantime, I had stopped at the bank, gone and got her a voucher and saw a lady I knew from AA. She was drunk and high and I was “her best friend ever”. Took me a while to extract myself from her grip – she is a big lady with a very firm grip!!. I then got to the carpark and we have a car key that is attached to the fob bit (the bit you can remotely lock and unlock). Well, the bloody key fell off and I spent 10 mins trying to get it out of the lock. Me being a bit stressed by this point as I am running ll\nd I know mum worries about me drinking I go to the bakery. I do a u-turn and reverse into the carpark but I accidentally bump into the car behind. Bloody f**** f**** f*** the car was full of muftil cops. I just about died. I broke out into a sweat and started to shake and thought I cannot disappoint mum on her birthday. I hadn’t been drinking but I knew that they would want to tick and cross all the boxes because of my DIC history. So embarrassed I had to wait for a “marked – car” (by this time I am wanting to crawl under the car and hide away. Marked cars create nosey people who have nothing better than gossip. Where I live, there is always someone that knows you or who you are!!. ). So I am breath testered and it came up with zero and I did what Mrs D suggested and asked to photograph the machine to post it. Oh no, you can’t do that because someone might get into the software and change it. _ I think they thought I was quite mad even asking. I am so so grateful that there was no damage to either of the cars. Just to my pride. They did point out, however, that if I had damaged the police car it would be costly. By this time I am shaking and trying to hold it together. They then announce that they will not allow me to drive for the next 12 hours. That was at 11.25am. The chap was really nice and offered to drive our car home (and I was allowed to sit in the passenger seat and not in the police car). I was so embarrassed that I got them to park the car down the street. They reiterated to me that if I got in the car and attempted to put it in the garage I would be going to court. Si, I phoned a taxi to go to mum’s and 5 mins later the police car drove passed me and then another 5 mins another police car drove passed me. I didn’t get in the car but I really want to go and pick up my girls but too bad, do sad, they can walk. It is so not worth it to lose my licence because I drove the car down the driveway. You may be wondering, why did I not let the police office drive the car down the driveway? The answer is that my son would have had a fit and rung my husband and ruined my mums birthday. I was lucky, because my son is so focused on sitting on his behind in the office with the curtains closed, he did not even notice that the car was not in the garage and I have closed the garage door.
Sorry for the long long bleat but I needed to offload. I am so so proud of myself that, for once, I could confidentially blow in the breath tester and know it was zero, gutted about my driving ability. But I am happy. Oh look almost 600 members.
Tuesday, 12 August 2014
Tuesday, 12th August 2014 - Bloody Alcohol
Well, it is 12.51pm on Tuesday afternoon and I have not blogged for a few days. Why haven't I blogged? No excuse other than complacence on my part.
I was just reading Mrs D blog where she mentioned it all has gone quiet because of the website. I love the website but I also need to offload here too. I don't want to bandy all my problems around to the cyber world in an open forum and have this as my comfort zone.
So today I am 7 days sober. That is the most I have been sober since easter this year. I have been struggling and even as I sit here at this moment my brain is telling me I need to go to the supermarket to get a drink. I don't know about other people but I sometimes feel that my brain is in two parts and that are physically fighting each other. One says drink and the other one says no and I get exhausted with the internal battle all of the time.
Sad news today that Robin Williams apparently killed himself. He was battling demons for years and my son said to me just before (he is 17). He was such a funny man. I countered by saying just because you portray you are funny does not mean that you are happy. We are all good at putting a facade of how we want to be portrayed.
What is happiness anyway? Is it wealth and fame, is it happy families (and what does that mean), is it a career or is it just the real basics like food, shelter and love?. What is fun? We are miserable gits at present.
I am trying to think back to when I was truly happy and I really don't know what that was like and I don't think my husband knows either. We just plod along and do the best we can.
I have mum calling me to help her do something and I will. I just feel Blah
I was just reading Mrs D blog where she mentioned it all has gone quiet because of the website. I love the website but I also need to offload here too. I don't want to bandy all my problems around to the cyber world in an open forum and have this as my comfort zone.
So today I am 7 days sober. That is the most I have been sober since easter this year. I have been struggling and even as I sit here at this moment my brain is telling me I need to go to the supermarket to get a drink. I don't know about other people but I sometimes feel that my brain is in two parts and that are physically fighting each other. One says drink and the other one says no and I get exhausted with the internal battle all of the time.
Sad news today that Robin Williams apparently killed himself. He was battling demons for years and my son said to me just before (he is 17). He was such a funny man. I countered by saying just because you portray you are funny does not mean that you are happy. We are all good at putting a facade of how we want to be portrayed.
What is happiness anyway? Is it wealth and fame, is it happy families (and what does that mean), is it a career or is it just the real basics like food, shelter and love?. What is fun? We are miserable gits at present.
I am trying to think back to when I was truly happy and I really don't know what that was like and I don't think my husband knows either. We just plod along and do the best we can.
I have mum calling me to help her do something and I will. I just feel Blah
Friday, 8 August 2014
Friday, 8th August 2014 - I am so addicted but love this addiction :)!
It is official, I am addicted to the Living Sober website. It just goes to show how much of an addictive personality I have. I can't leave the bloody website alone for 5 minutes because I am like a child with a new toy and so loving the interaction and the support. I want to be involved and I am - anyone and everyone is getting involved and it is fantastic. Thanks Lotta, I feel you have made a break through in helping people all around join together and support each other in our individual journeys.
Today is day 3 (again) for me and I feel like I am glued to the chair in front of the computer. I have my diet lemonade, my phone and a heater on because it is so bloody cold. I know I am going to get to day 4.
I have managed to get one of my kids off to school and although she is not 100% she went a bit late. She needs to go because she has missed out on so much school through wagging. She has been genuinely sick this week and the school was dubious. I don't blame them. I have just had a phone call though to ask - discretely, if the reason she was not at school was because of my drinking this week! Inital reaction is -"fuck you it is not your business" I did not say that of course. I said that she has been very unwell, did she go to the doctor? No because it is a virus and they can't do anything other than take your money and say bed rest, water and panadol.
I have just spoken to mum and she is proud of me but I feel like shit to be honest. Not because I have been drinking but because I have contracted the bug. I guess it was only a matter of time. My tolerance is none but I will carry on
Today is day 3 (again) for me and I feel like I am glued to the chair in front of the computer. I have my diet lemonade, my phone and a heater on because it is so bloody cold. I know I am going to get to day 4.
I have managed to get one of my kids off to school and although she is not 100% she went a bit late. She needs to go because she has missed out on so much school through wagging. She has been genuinely sick this week and the school was dubious. I don't blame them. I have just had a phone call though to ask - discretely, if the reason she was not at school was because of my drinking this week! Inital reaction is -"fuck you it is not your business" I did not say that of course. I said that she has been very unwell, did she go to the doctor? No because it is a virus and they can't do anything other than take your money and say bed rest, water and panadol.
I have just spoken to mum and she is proud of me but I feel like shit to be honest. Not because I have been drinking but because I have contracted the bug. I guess it was only a matter of time. My tolerance is none but I will carry on
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Thursday 7th August, Evening post! A bloody good day:)
Well, here I am sitting at the computer it is is 6.50pm. We have had a disjointed dinner because everyone is in different stages of this horrible bug but it was dinner and everyone is happy.
Even though I feel like crap I am sober and to me that is a miracle. I did notice my husband discretely (not) searching through cupboards for wine bottles. Did I get pissed off? No, I had nothing to hide. Did he find any? No :).
So I blogged this morning that I was going to have a good day and I have. Firstly, I went onto the Living Sober Website at around 7.30am to see that there are huge amount of us out there. I have also had some awesome comments from people reading my blog but have been in the background but have touched base with me on this website.
I put a profile photo up and really, the only reason I did that is that my 13 year old daughter was looking at the website when I was in the shower. I am normally very secretive and embarrassed about my posting because I don't want my family to go through anymore grief than what they have. I accidentally left it up and she was looking through it and she said "mum, you have to put a photo up because I can see you want to be sober and look at all these other people with photos too". Along comes the photo and she literally took it, cropped it and uploaded it. She also wrote the sobriety date on a pad of paper for me to hold up because -"that is what I should do and I should be proud". Honestly, I wonder whether this child is 13 or 30.
I posted on the website that I feel it is "just like running around in your birthday suit". You bare all.
So, I went for a drive in the new Santa Fe and of course the chap wanted to sell it to me. He was talking about bluetooth, heated seats, reversing camera - blah blah blah. i just want my Al Brown cookbook. I couldn't care less about the car, Yes it was nice, but for $60k I wouldn't buy it.
I took it home to show the kids and they were about as impressed as I was but I was sober and they were thrilled.
I just got a Danielle Stelele book out of the library and I have been in tears reading it. It is about her son who died at 19 through manic depression which is not dissimilar to alcoholic depression. It is also a good reminder.
Sober treat for today was just a bath and time by myself to read through blogs and the website.
Keep communicating fellow drinkers/non-drinkers.
Cherie xx
Even though I feel like crap I am sober and to me that is a miracle. I did notice my husband discretely (not) searching through cupboards for wine bottles. Did I get pissed off? No, I had nothing to hide. Did he find any? No :).
So I blogged this morning that I was going to have a good day and I have. Firstly, I went onto the Living Sober Website at around 7.30am to see that there are huge amount of us out there. I have also had some awesome comments from people reading my blog but have been in the background but have touched base with me on this website.
I put a profile photo up and really, the only reason I did that is that my 13 year old daughter was looking at the website when I was in the shower. I am normally very secretive and embarrassed about my posting because I don't want my family to go through anymore grief than what they have. I accidentally left it up and she was looking through it and she said "mum, you have to put a photo up because I can see you want to be sober and look at all these other people with photos too". Along comes the photo and she literally took it, cropped it and uploaded it. She also wrote the sobriety date on a pad of paper for me to hold up because -"that is what I should do and I should be proud". Honestly, I wonder whether this child is 13 or 30.
I posted on the website that I feel it is "just like running around in your birthday suit". You bare all.
So, I went for a drive in the new Santa Fe and of course the chap wanted to sell it to me. He was talking about bluetooth, heated seats, reversing camera - blah blah blah. i just want my Al Brown cookbook. I couldn't care less about the car, Yes it was nice, but for $60k I wouldn't buy it.
I took it home to show the kids and they were about as impressed as I was but I was sober and they were thrilled.
I just got a Danielle Stelele book out of the library and I have been in tears reading it. It is about her son who died at 19 through manic depression which is not dissimilar to alcoholic depression. It is also a good reminder.
Sober treat for today was just a bath and time by myself to read through blogs and the website.
Keep communicating fellow drinkers/non-drinkers.
Cherie xx
Thursday, August 7th 2014 - Well done Mrs D Again :)
Well it is 8.34am on this calm morning and I have been glued to the computer for the last hour. I have been looking at the neat website that Mrs D created and I am blown away with the amount of members already and it hasn't even been active for 24 hours yet.
I notice that some of my fellow bloggers have joined and have even put up some photos and it is great to match a face with a name. I might be game enough to do that later today.
Yesterday was great as far as being sober goes. I am back to day two today and after reading through the "sober treats" section of the website I have decided to treat myself to some cheap fresh flowers - just a small bunch because I only made it through yesterday. I have also decided that if I make it through tomorrow I will treat myself to something little. I want to avoid chocolate and ice-cream because I really want to lose weight to but I just need to focus on staying sober first.
I have got sickness through my house with all three of my kids ill. I was quite worried for a while yesterday when temperatures spiked at 39 degrees. If I wasn't sober I would not have managed all three of them (even though they are all teenagers they still need mum when they are sick). I would have panicked but instead I calmly administered Coldral and Nurophen and checked temperatures every hour. They all rugged up and came downstairs to the family room and watched movies. Well, in amongst dozing off. I so hope I don't get this bug. It appears to be a form of flu because they have absolutely no energy.
What am I doing today to keep myself sober? Well, I plan to spend a bit of time sitting here reading blogs and looking at the website. I have been invited (yes me) to test drive a brand new car which is not on the market yet to put my "two cents worth" about the car. I don't know anything about cars accept to drive them. Of course, the guy is going to want to sign me up to buy one but he will be wasting his time. Apparently, I also get a copy of Al Browns' latest cookbook free. That should be fun. I may even break out the boots and put on some lipstick! Same old chores but I might do some baking and pop around and see mum and a visit to the library.
The kids are not well enough to go to school but now don't need to be watched either. The fever has gone and they are just at the stage where they need to sleep to recovery. I don't feel like I am neglecting them
Last night I went and had a bath at wine - o'clock and although it was still really early 5pm I did it and got into my pjs and made dinner that way. My thought was that if I was dressed for bed I would not get the urge to go out and buy wine and that would make sure I stayed sober. I worked.
I know all this and I know how to stay sober I just don't always try hard enough.
Well off to start my day. I will be back later and I will be on the website under the name Cherie (obvious reasons).
Have a good day.
Cherie xx
I notice that some of my fellow bloggers have joined and have even put up some photos and it is great to match a face with a name. I might be game enough to do that later today.
Yesterday was great as far as being sober goes. I am back to day two today and after reading through the "sober treats" section of the website I have decided to treat myself to some cheap fresh flowers - just a small bunch because I only made it through yesterday. I have also decided that if I make it through tomorrow I will treat myself to something little. I want to avoid chocolate and ice-cream because I really want to lose weight to but I just need to focus on staying sober first.
I have got sickness through my house with all three of my kids ill. I was quite worried for a while yesterday when temperatures spiked at 39 degrees. If I wasn't sober I would not have managed all three of them (even though they are all teenagers they still need mum when they are sick). I would have panicked but instead I calmly administered Coldral and Nurophen and checked temperatures every hour. They all rugged up and came downstairs to the family room and watched movies. Well, in amongst dozing off. I so hope I don't get this bug. It appears to be a form of flu because they have absolutely no energy.
What am I doing today to keep myself sober? Well, I plan to spend a bit of time sitting here reading blogs and looking at the website. I have been invited (yes me) to test drive a brand new car which is not on the market yet to put my "two cents worth" about the car. I don't know anything about cars accept to drive them. Of course, the guy is going to want to sign me up to buy one but he will be wasting his time. Apparently, I also get a copy of Al Browns' latest cookbook free. That should be fun. I may even break out the boots and put on some lipstick! Same old chores but I might do some baking and pop around and see mum and a visit to the library.
The kids are not well enough to go to school but now don't need to be watched either. The fever has gone and they are just at the stage where they need to sleep to recovery. I don't feel like I am neglecting them
Last night I went and had a bath at wine - o'clock and although it was still really early 5pm I did it and got into my pjs and made dinner that way. My thought was that if I was dressed for bed I would not get the urge to go out and buy wine and that would make sure I stayed sober. I worked.
I know all this and I know how to stay sober I just don't always try hard enough.
Well off to start my day. I will be back later and I will be on the website under the name Cherie (obvious reasons).
Have a good day.
Cherie xx
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Tuesday, 5th August 2014 - Bugs Bugs Galore!!
Well it has been a couple of days since I have made time to sit and write my blog. I have read blogs and commented as well.
Today, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I have a house fill of sick people. At this stage my two girls are sick with some virus that my middle child kindly contracted from one of her friends. I can feel the start of it coming on. It is a fever and aches with a sore throat. A mild flu I would say. I am not looking forward to the two men getting it. They are the biggest babies when they get sick. So why am I sitting here writing this instead of looking after my kids? Well, I want to stay sober today so this is one of my tools to do so.
I went out earlier to get some Codral tablets - a big box!! I had the "I don't trust you mum so I am coming with you" from my youngest. Well that made me feel about two inches tall. I told her "no" she had to stay in bed and reluctantly she did but I had text messages and phone calls from her consistently until I returned home with the medication. I also went out a bought the DVD called Frozen for them to watch. I was inspected thoroughly, handbag and car were inspected as well as all my know hiding places to see if I had bought in any wine. I felt resentful at this but I kept telling myself that the reason they don't trust you is because you have not given them any reason to trust you. The last thing they want when they are sick (or at any time really) is mum not to be around to comfort them in a sober state. That would portray to them that I don't care about them. I do care about them but I can feel the resentment and anger building.
I promised the girls I would come and watch the dvd with them so that is what I need to do. Follow through with what I say. I really don't want to watch a Disney animated film but it is not about the film it is about quality time with my girls. They really want me to sit between them and put an arm around each of them so they feel that I do care about them and they feel loved.
Following through is something I used to do when I was sober or a "normal drinker" years ago but I appear to have lost the ability to do that since the alcohol has taken hold of me. I tend to bribe to get respected. That doesn't work of course. All they want is mum and by that I mean the sober version.
I was just reading a blog and one of the last comments is that "I don't know who I am". I so get that. I know who I was and I know what I want to be but I look in the mirror and the person steering back at me is foreigner! What I need to do is to get that person I was back. I know she is still there because there are snippets of her especially when sober.
So they have put the dvd on pause so that I will come down and I will but I just want to finish this first.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. My youngest once again refused to go to school. I did not cope well and especially after getting a filling from the dentist of $270 plus need more work and a bloody parking ticket and the school ringing me consistently, my son blabbing to someone at AA about what happened a couple of months ago when I had a seizure (no one was supposed to know) and her telling me it is the "AA way to be honest". Well, I have been honest I just missed that bit out because AA like anything is a community. Communitites are great but they have there downfalls too. Like gossip. Because I feel like I am an AA failure I try and avoid being any part of gossip and I certainly don't want to be cause of it so they can point fingers and say "well, if she could just get the programme it would be ok". Humans love gossip and I have found that addicts in particular thrive off it. So I had an agrument with this lady and basically told her to fuck off and stop giving advice to my family. I feel terrible and texted her an apology. Not before I picked up a drink so today is back to day 1 again and no wonder the kids are anxious. When I drink and am angry I become nasty and I am not, by nature, a nasty person.
We are already having trouble with the school because of our middle child and now the youngest is starting to act out as well. I just feel so helpless and so responsible because if I was a normal mum (like when they were at primary school) they would not act out as much. The school must be thinking that we are a bunch of "no-hopers". Unfortunately, they are not used to dealing with parents of child(ren) who live in affluent areas. The kids that tend to act out are from areas and families that don't tend to have food on the table and have to struggle through. This proves to me that alcoholism doesn't and won't care about who you are, where you are from, how much money you have or don't have, what career you have, what race you are, how fat or skinny you are, if you have no kids or 10 kids. At the end of the day it will destroy anything in its path.
I am being summoned so I will finish on this comment. I am so so looking forward to Mrs D website tomorrow and I will be signing up and I hope other bloggers will do the same because it sounds like it will be cool to interact.
I am still going to blog because that is my saviour at present.
Going to watch a kiddies movie but will check in later.
Cherie xx
Today, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I have a house fill of sick people. At this stage my two girls are sick with some virus that my middle child kindly contracted from one of her friends. I can feel the start of it coming on. It is a fever and aches with a sore throat. A mild flu I would say. I am not looking forward to the two men getting it. They are the biggest babies when they get sick. So why am I sitting here writing this instead of looking after my kids? Well, I want to stay sober today so this is one of my tools to do so.
I went out earlier to get some Codral tablets - a big box!! I had the "I don't trust you mum so I am coming with you" from my youngest. Well that made me feel about two inches tall. I told her "no" she had to stay in bed and reluctantly she did but I had text messages and phone calls from her consistently until I returned home with the medication. I also went out a bought the DVD called Frozen for them to watch. I was inspected thoroughly, handbag and car were inspected as well as all my know hiding places to see if I had bought in any wine. I felt resentful at this but I kept telling myself that the reason they don't trust you is because you have not given them any reason to trust you. The last thing they want when they are sick (or at any time really) is mum not to be around to comfort them in a sober state. That would portray to them that I don't care about them. I do care about them but I can feel the resentment and anger building.
I promised the girls I would come and watch the dvd with them so that is what I need to do. Follow through with what I say. I really don't want to watch a Disney animated film but it is not about the film it is about quality time with my girls. They really want me to sit between them and put an arm around each of them so they feel that I do care about them and they feel loved.
Following through is something I used to do when I was sober or a "normal drinker" years ago but I appear to have lost the ability to do that since the alcohol has taken hold of me. I tend to bribe to get respected. That doesn't work of course. All they want is mum and by that I mean the sober version.
I was just reading a blog and one of the last comments is that "I don't know who I am". I so get that. I know who I was and I know what I want to be but I look in the mirror and the person steering back at me is foreigner! What I need to do is to get that person I was back. I know she is still there because there are snippets of her especially when sober.
So they have put the dvd on pause so that I will come down and I will but I just want to finish this first.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. My youngest once again refused to go to school. I did not cope well and especially after getting a filling from the dentist of $270 plus need more work and a bloody parking ticket and the school ringing me consistently, my son blabbing to someone at AA about what happened a couple of months ago when I had a seizure (no one was supposed to know) and her telling me it is the "AA way to be honest". Well, I have been honest I just missed that bit out because AA like anything is a community. Communitites are great but they have there downfalls too. Like gossip. Because I feel like I am an AA failure I try and avoid being any part of gossip and I certainly don't want to be cause of it so they can point fingers and say "well, if she could just get the programme it would be ok". Humans love gossip and I have found that addicts in particular thrive off it. So I had an agrument with this lady and basically told her to fuck off and stop giving advice to my family. I feel terrible and texted her an apology. Not before I picked up a drink so today is back to day 1 again and no wonder the kids are anxious. When I drink and am angry I become nasty and I am not, by nature, a nasty person.
We are already having trouble with the school because of our middle child and now the youngest is starting to act out as well. I just feel so helpless and so responsible because if I was a normal mum (like when they were at primary school) they would not act out as much. The school must be thinking that we are a bunch of "no-hopers". Unfortunately, they are not used to dealing with parents of child(ren) who live in affluent areas. The kids that tend to act out are from areas and families that don't tend to have food on the table and have to struggle through. This proves to me that alcoholism doesn't and won't care about who you are, where you are from, how much money you have or don't have, what career you have, what race you are, how fat or skinny you are, if you have no kids or 10 kids. At the end of the day it will destroy anything in its path.
I am being summoned so I will finish on this comment. I am so so looking forward to Mrs D website tomorrow and I will be signing up and I hope other bloggers will do the same because it sounds like it will be cool to interact.
I am still going to blog because that is my saviour at present.
Going to watch a kiddies movie but will check in later.
Cherie xx
Saturday, 2 August 2014
Saturday, 2nd August 2014 - Rain Rain Go Away!!
Well it is a miserable night in windy and wet Wellington but do I care? No I don't because I am sober. Day 2 has been and gone so back on the water wagon again.
Last night I ended up jumping in the bath at 5.15pm and sitting in the bath for 2 hours just so I knew I would drink. Hubby had bought takeaways including some for me. I had mine at around 7.30pm with cold Macdonals chips and a wrap. I did not care because I managed to stay sober - just.
Today has been a normal Saturday in most respects and I must admit I am quite tired tonight but I know I will sleep naturally and peacefully tonight.
I have been reading some of my favourite blogs and on one of them there was a comment about finding an empty, hidden wine bottle in the bottom of the pantry just a a member of the family comes home and then the challenges begin. I have that alot - primarily because I am slipping and sliding on this road to recovery. I now have my kids asking me to prove that I have not been drinking by blowing in the one of two breathtesters that hubby bought.
I actually got pissed off with him when he bought them and the first one I deliberately smashed to bits - am I 2? His rationale is that they are there, not to catch me out, but so I can prove that I haven't been drinking! I held a resentment against him a long time for doing that but I have now got over it and if I have been drinking I simply say "no, there is no point"!
In the worst part of my drinking (not that long ago) there would be bottles (some empty, some half-empty and some full) all around the house in various hiding spots. I used to think I was clever with my hiding spots but I would always get found out in the end. I had them in a compost bin, under the mattresses, inside boots, in the toilet cistern, in the drier, in the freezer in the fridge outside. Sometimes I would remember where they were and others well, I blackouted and couldn't remember. That used to drive me insane because I knew I had a stash somewhere around. I did not think I was insane but honestly, what normal drinker does that? A nutty one like me!!. I used to head out in the middle of the night in my pjs and dressing gown armed with empty wine bottles and pop them into the neighbours recycling bins so our one did look like an alcoholic lived in that house. The neighbours were not impressed when they cottoned on. The worst I think I have ever done is send my youngest to school (she was about 8 and is now 13) with a full bottle of wine in her school bag because I got drunk the night before and forgot where I put it. I searched high and low for this bloody bottle. She comes home from school with a look that could kill me and I say "How was your day darling?" like any "normal" mother would do. She said "I can't believe you sent me to school with a full wine bottle in my bag!" Do you know what I said? "Oh, I was looking for that, thanks for looking after it for me!". I think back on those moments and cringe. This is where alcoholism took me and it will take me further if I let it. I need to remind myself of those events to reiterate to myself that this disease will make you insane and will kill you if you let it.
Hubby and I popped in and saw my mum for a coffee this afternoon and mum pulled out this letter dated August 1958. It was basically a suicide note from my (on my dads side) grandfather to my Nana. When he was writing that note he obviously decided that he had had enough of the poison and the very next day he checked himself into the Bridge Programme (Yes it was running in 1958) and through himself into AA and did service to help him stay sober. He never picked up a drink after that to the day he died and gave my Nana the letter after he had been sober 3 or 4 years.
Mum also spoke a bit about her father (she doesn't speak much about him) but he died of alcoholism and ended up with wet brain.
I just was reading Granny's post and it shows to me that it doesn't matter if you have been sober, a day, 100 days or 25 years that "monkey on your shoulder" is busy waiting and waiting and doing press-ups in the hope that one day you will pick up that drink or at the very least be tempted to pick up that drink. Well done Granny for not listening to it.
Off to do something exciting (ironing) and watch some rubbish on TV but we are all happy and calm tonight.
Hope you all had a good day and if not, tomorrow will be a better day.
Cherie xx
Last night I ended up jumping in the bath at 5.15pm and sitting in the bath for 2 hours just so I knew I would drink. Hubby had bought takeaways including some for me. I had mine at around 7.30pm with cold Macdonals chips and a wrap. I did not care because I managed to stay sober - just.
Today has been a normal Saturday in most respects and I must admit I am quite tired tonight but I know I will sleep naturally and peacefully tonight.
I have been reading some of my favourite blogs and on one of them there was a comment about finding an empty, hidden wine bottle in the bottom of the pantry just a a member of the family comes home and then the challenges begin. I have that alot - primarily because I am slipping and sliding on this road to recovery. I now have my kids asking me to prove that I have not been drinking by blowing in the one of two breathtesters that hubby bought.
I actually got pissed off with him when he bought them and the first one I deliberately smashed to bits - am I 2? His rationale is that they are there, not to catch me out, but so I can prove that I haven't been drinking! I held a resentment against him a long time for doing that but I have now got over it and if I have been drinking I simply say "no, there is no point"!
In the worst part of my drinking (not that long ago) there would be bottles (some empty, some half-empty and some full) all around the house in various hiding spots. I used to think I was clever with my hiding spots but I would always get found out in the end. I had them in a compost bin, under the mattresses, inside boots, in the toilet cistern, in the drier, in the freezer in the fridge outside. Sometimes I would remember where they were and others well, I blackouted and couldn't remember. That used to drive me insane because I knew I had a stash somewhere around. I did not think I was insane but honestly, what normal drinker does that? A nutty one like me!!. I used to head out in the middle of the night in my pjs and dressing gown armed with empty wine bottles and pop them into the neighbours recycling bins so our one did look like an alcoholic lived in that house. The neighbours were not impressed when they cottoned on. The worst I think I have ever done is send my youngest to school (she was about 8 and is now 13) with a full bottle of wine in her school bag because I got drunk the night before and forgot where I put it. I searched high and low for this bloody bottle. She comes home from school with a look that could kill me and I say "How was your day darling?" like any "normal" mother would do. She said "I can't believe you sent me to school with a full wine bottle in my bag!" Do you know what I said? "Oh, I was looking for that, thanks for looking after it for me!". I think back on those moments and cringe. This is where alcoholism took me and it will take me further if I let it. I need to remind myself of those events to reiterate to myself that this disease will make you insane and will kill you if you let it.
Hubby and I popped in and saw my mum for a coffee this afternoon and mum pulled out this letter dated August 1958. It was basically a suicide note from my (on my dads side) grandfather to my Nana. When he was writing that note he obviously decided that he had had enough of the poison and the very next day he checked himself into the Bridge Programme (Yes it was running in 1958) and through himself into AA and did service to help him stay sober. He never picked up a drink after that to the day he died and gave my Nana the letter after he had been sober 3 or 4 years.
Mum also spoke a bit about her father (she doesn't speak much about him) but he died of alcoholism and ended up with wet brain.
I just was reading Granny's post and it shows to me that it doesn't matter if you have been sober, a day, 100 days or 25 years that "monkey on your shoulder" is busy waiting and waiting and doing press-ups in the hope that one day you will pick up that drink or at the very least be tempted to pick up that drink. Well done Granny for not listening to it.
Off to do something exciting (ironing) and watch some rubbish on TV but we are all happy and calm tonight.
Hope you all had a good day and if not, tomorrow will be a better day.
Cherie xx
Friday, 1 August 2014
Friday 1 August - again -down in the dumps
It is only 4.57pm but I want to go and have a bath and get my PJs on and climb into bed! Adults don't get their pjs on early or go to bed early! I want a fucking drink actually.I have struggled through today - it was a struggle but I made it. But I still want a fucking drink but I am not going to get one.
I have a massive fight inside my head and it is giving me a headache. I wish I did bash my head against the wall but I didn't. So I am hanging on by my fingertips (literally) to stay sober today. If I can just get through the next hour I will be ok. I so hate the drinking but I am so glad you are all here for me. Quite often feel like I am getting big hugs. If I close my eyes I can feel the support. I hate Fridays. I am sober but sad and angry - go figure. I am trying not to explode and I really don't know why I feel so angry.
Hi ho Hi ho, it is off to a bath I go.
Cherie xx
I have a massive fight inside my head and it is giving me a headache. I wish I did bash my head against the wall but I didn't. So I am hanging on by my fingertips (literally) to stay sober today. If I can just get through the next hour I will be ok. I so hate the drinking but I am so glad you are all here for me. Quite often feel like I am getting big hugs. If I close my eyes I can feel the support. I hate Fridays. I am sober but sad and angry - go figure. I am trying not to explode and I really don't know why I feel so angry.
Hi ho Hi ho, it is off to a bath I go.
Cherie xx
Friday 1 August 2014 - Back to Day 1 Again.
Yes that is correct, I gave into the demon and drank yesterday to blot out all of the drama with the girls. Did it help? Absolutely not. I feel like death warmed up this morning and it is self- inflicted. On the positive side I made 6 days which is great so I am now aiming to better that. I was reading some blogs this morning to cheer myself up and one of the blogs mentioned "be kind to yourself". I actually feel like getting my head and bashing it against the wall to knock some sense into me but what would that achieve accept for a massive headache? So I have decided to be kind to myself and not bash my head against the wall but go back and read my positive blogs to remind myself how good I was feeling and how proud of myself I was.
I had the
I had the
- If you weren't a drunk the kids would be better behaved and willing to achieve rather than just plodding along and doing what they want when they want.
- If you were working it would show the kids some work ethic.
- If you had a spotless house then the kids will follow suit.
- If you didn't drink you would lose the weight you put on and might be able to get into your clothes.
Blah, blah, blah. I agree that lead by example is the best way . Unfortunately, my example has not been great and it is coming back to bite me on the bum.
Why is it that kids pick on the negative behaviour rather than the positive behaviour? I have positive behaviour too even when I am drinking but no - they pick up on the bad behaviour I exhibit when I am drinking. It is quite shocking to witness this behaviour when I am sober and know that that is how I behaviour when I have had a few too many to drink. Not good.
So instead of beating myself up which just creates a viscous cycle I am going to be positive today and get stuck into some much needed cleaning. It has been really nice getting my middle child to help and she has done the jobs that were annoying me that I hated. She was willing to do it because I was sober.Like cleaning all the mould off the skylight and windowsills. It looks lovely and she can see the benefit of cleaning and is proud of the outcome. There is hope for her yet. Of course, she does expect money but that is OK because she is normally so lazy. They all are actually. When I was a teenager I always asked mum what I could do to help. My kids moan and groan even to do something like take their plates to the kitchen after dinner. That is my fault because I let them off and over-compensate because of the guilt and remorse I feel about drinking. It does them no good and I fear that I have created monsters as when they leave home they will be incapable of doing anything for themselves. They don't even know how to dry dishes by hand!! Don't make that my problem.
Despite the weather being foul and a hangover I am trying to shake off I am feeling more positive than I did an hour a go when I first sat down at the computer.
Time to get off my butt and do something positive and productive.
Later
Cherie xx
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