Tuesday, 5th August 2014 - Bugs Bugs Galore!!

Well it has been a couple of days since I have made time to sit and write my blog. I have read blogs and commented as well.

Today, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I have a house fill of sick people. At this stage my two girls are sick with some virus that my middle child kindly contracted from one of her friends. I can feel the start of it coming on. It is a fever and aches with a sore throat. A mild flu I would say. I am not looking forward to the two men getting it. They are the biggest babies when they get sick. So why am I sitting here writing this instead of looking after my kids? Well, I want to stay sober today so this is one of my tools to do so.

I went out earlier to get some Codral tablets - a big box!! I had the "I don't trust you mum so I am coming with you" from my youngest. Well that made me feel about two inches tall. I told her "no" she had to stay in bed and reluctantly she did but I had text messages and phone calls from her consistently until I returned home with the medication. I also went out a bought the DVD called Frozen for them to watch. I was inspected thoroughly, handbag and car were inspected as well as all my know hiding places to see if I had bought in any wine. I felt resentful at this but I kept telling myself that the reason they don't trust you is because you have not given them any reason to trust you. The last thing they want when they are sick (or at any time really) is mum not to be around to comfort them in a sober state. That would portray to them that I don't care about them. I do care about them but I can feel the resentment and anger building.

I promised the girls I would come and watch the dvd with them so that is what I need to do. Follow through with what I say. I really don't want to watch a Disney animated film but it is not about the film it is about quality time with my girls. They really want me to sit between them and put an arm around each of them so they feel that I do care about them and they feel loved.

Following through is something I used to do when I was sober or a "normal drinker" years ago but I appear to have lost the ability to do that since the alcohol has taken hold of me. I tend to bribe to get respected. That doesn't work of course. All they want is mum and by that I mean the sober version.

I was just reading a blog and one of the last comments is that "I don't know who I am". I so get that. I know who I was and I know what I want to be but I look in the mirror and the person steering back at me is  foreigner! What I need to do is to get that person I was back. I know she is still there because there are snippets of her especially when sober.

So they have put the dvd on pause so that I will come down and I will but I just want to finish this first.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. My youngest once again refused to go to school. I did not cope well and especially after getting a filling from the dentist of $270 plus need more work and a bloody parking ticket and the school ringing me consistently, my son blabbing to someone at AA about what happened a couple of months ago when I had a seizure (no one was supposed to know) and her telling me it is the "AA way to be honest". Well, I have been honest I just missed that bit out because AA like anything is a community. Communitites are great but they have there downfalls too. Like gossip. Because I feel like I am an AA failure I try and avoid being any part of gossip and I certainly don't want to be cause of it so they can point fingers and say "well, if she could just get the programme it would be ok". Humans love gossip and I have found that addicts in particular thrive off it. So I had an agrument with this lady and basically told her to fuck off and stop giving  advice to my family. I feel terrible and texted her an apology. Not before I picked up a drink so today is back to day 1 again and no wonder the kids are anxious. When I drink and am angry I become nasty and I am not, by nature, a nasty person.

We are already having trouble with the school because of our middle child and now the youngest is starting to act out as well. I just feel so helpless and so responsible because if I was a normal mum (like when they were at primary school) they would not act out as much. The school must be thinking that we are a bunch of "no-hopers". Unfortunately, they are not used to dealing with parents of child(ren) who live in affluent areas. The kids that tend to act out are from areas and families that don't tend to have food on the table and have to struggle through. This proves to me that alcoholism doesn't and won't care about who you are, where you are from, how much money you have or don't have, what career you have, what race you are, how fat or skinny you are, if you have no kids or 10 kids. At the end of the day it will destroy anything in its path.

I am being summoned so I will finish on this comment. I am so so looking forward to Mrs D website tomorrow and I will be signing up and I hope other bloggers will do the same because it sounds like it will be cool to interact.

I am still going to blog because that is my saviour at present.

Going to watch a kiddies movie but will check in later.

Cherie xx