Saturday, 2nd August 2014 - Rain Rain Go Away!!

Well it is a miserable night in windy and wet Wellington but do I care? No I don't because I am sober. Day 2 has been and gone so back on the water wagon again.

Last night I ended up jumping in the bath at 5.15pm and sitting in the bath for 2 hours just so I knew I would drink. Hubby had bought takeaways including some for me. I had mine at around 7.30pm with cold Macdonals chips and a wrap. I did not care because I managed to stay sober - just.

Today has been a normal Saturday in most respects and I must admit I am quite tired tonight but I know I will sleep naturally and peacefully tonight.

I have been reading some of my favourite blogs and on one of them there was a comment about finding an empty, hidden wine bottle in the bottom of the pantry just a a member of the family comes home and then the challenges begin. I have that alot - primarily because I am slipping and sliding on this road to recovery. I now have my kids asking me to prove that I have not been drinking by blowing in the one of two breathtesters that hubby bought.

I actually got pissed off with him when he bought them and the first one I deliberately smashed to bits - am I 2? His rationale is that they are there, not to catch me out, but so I can prove that I haven't been drinking! I held a resentment against him a long time for doing that but I have now got over it and if I have been drinking I simply say "no, there is no point"!

In the worst part of my drinking (not that long ago) there would be bottles (some empty, some half-empty and some full) all around the house in various hiding spots. I used to think I was clever with my hiding spots but I would always get found out in the end. I had them in a compost bin, under the mattresses, inside boots, in the toilet cistern, in the drier, in the freezer in the fridge outside. Sometimes I would remember where they were and others well, I blackouted and couldn't remember. That used to drive me insane because I knew I had a stash somewhere around. I did not think I was insane but honestly, what normal drinker does that? A nutty one like me!!. I used to head out in the middle of the night in my pjs and dressing gown armed with empty wine bottles and pop them into the neighbours recycling bins so our one did look like an alcoholic lived in that house.  The neighbours were not impressed when they cottoned on. The worst I think I have ever done is send my youngest to school (she was about 8 and is now 13) with a full bottle of wine in her school bag because I got drunk the night before and forgot where I put it. I searched high and low for this bloody bottle. She comes home from school with a look that could kill me and I say "How was your day darling?" like any "normal" mother would do. She said "I can't believe you sent me to school with a full wine bottle in my bag!" Do you know what I said? "Oh, I was looking for that, thanks for looking after it for me!". I think back on those moments and cringe. This is where alcoholism took me and it will take me further if I let it. I need to remind myself of those events to reiterate to myself that this disease will make you insane and will kill you if you let it.

Hubby and I popped in and saw my mum for a coffee this afternoon and mum pulled out this letter dated August 1958. It was basically a suicide note from my  (on my dads side) grandfather to my Nana. When he was writing that note he obviously decided that he had had enough of the poison and the very next day he checked himself into the Bridge Programme (Yes it was running in 1958) and through himself into AA and did service to help him stay sober. He never picked up a drink after that to the day he died and gave my Nana the letter after he had been sober 3 or 4 years.

Mum also spoke a bit about her father (she doesn't speak much about him) but he died of alcoholism and ended up with wet brain.

I just was reading Granny's post and it shows to me that it doesn't matter if you have been sober, a day, 100 days or 25 years that "monkey on your shoulder"  is busy waiting and waiting and doing press-ups in the hope that one day you will pick up that drink or at the very least be tempted to pick up that drink. Well done Granny for not listening to it.

Off to do something exciting (ironing) and watch some rubbish on TV but we are all happy and calm tonight.

Hope you all had a good day and if not, tomorrow will be a better day.

Cherie xx