Well, it is 12.51pm on Tuesday afternoon and I have not blogged for a few days. Why haven't I blogged? No excuse other than complacence on my part.
I was just reading Mrs D blog where she mentioned it all has gone quiet because of the website. I love the website but I also need to offload here too. I don't want to bandy all my problems around to the cyber world in an open forum and have this as my comfort zone.
So today I am 7 days sober. That is the most I have been sober since easter this year. I have been struggling and even as I sit here at this moment my brain is telling me I need to go to the supermarket to get a drink. I don't know about other people but I sometimes feel that my brain is in two parts and that are physically fighting each other. One says drink and the other one says no and I get exhausted with the internal battle all of the time.
Sad news today that Robin Williams apparently killed himself. He was battling demons for years and my son said to me just before (he is 17). He was such a funny man. I countered by saying just because you portray you are funny does not mean that you are happy. We are all good at putting a facade of how we want to be portrayed.
What is happiness anyway? Is it wealth and fame, is it happy families (and what does that mean), is it a career or is it just the real basics like food, shelter and love?. What is fun? We are miserable gits at present.
I am trying to think back to when I was truly happy and I really don't know what that was like and I don't think my husband knows either. We just plod along and do the best we can.
I have mum calling me to help her do something and I will. I just feel Blah
Yeah, really nice to keep coming back to your blog. It's a place to unload quietly and thoughtfully for yourself, not just a snippet here and there. You are doing so well, I am really amazed by you. I know you can do this Cherie, I really do xx
ReplyDeleteOur blogs are like a cosy slipper.You will do this Cherie and already you have a week behind you.xx
ReplyDeleteI thought as you say. That people aren't really happy. They are just biting time. Unless they have truly found their calling. And I was sure I had missed mine.
ReplyDeleteI was wring. The booze was casting a grey light over everything. I was making me tired and bitter and sad. With it gone I feel honest true happiness. Joy at seeing the sunrise. Bliss smelling my coffee. Satisfaction with the same life I used to think was boring and unfulfilling.
Happiness is there for you. Keep your eyes open. Don't let your inner addict/Wolfe/booze voice keep you in the dark.
Hey there Cherie, hope ya doing ok on this Chilly but sunny Hutt Valley morning. Sounds like you have been through the Mill this week, but reaching day 7 for you which is a fantastic milestone. One that you have made through hard work and mental anguish. You should be proud of that and reflect on what you have done, and know that you can do it.
ReplyDeleteSeven days is great. I think it takes a while to feel happy again. Like Anne says, it does cast a grey light over everything that you might have appreciated before. One exercise I did this year, is found at #100happydays.com. The idea is that you record something small (and sometimes trivial) that brings you pleasure. I only made it to 60, before getting sick and losing momentum. But, the same idea on a smaller scale might help you to see the small pleasures around you. I think it's a myth that we are supposed to be radiantly happy all day. Life is made up highs, lows and a lot of bring bits in between. Hope your day goes well
ReplyDeleteCherie, your blog is like reading James Joyce; so gritty, so real and so you. I can honestly picture you sitting there typing. You have a gift for expressing yourself. Happiness is such a challenge but I've found that if I accept the emotions going through me like wafts of smoke in the air, they do pass and life goes on. As long as we realize that strive is never permanent, we can find happiness if we rest in it. You are on your journey to discover this as we all are. Giving up alcohol is the first step. You are doing great. All the best... Granny (grannygetssober.blogspot.ca)
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