Saturday 5th July 2014

This is my second attempt at writing my blog today! I had just about finished it and pressed the "delete" button. Don't you hate that when it happens?

Anyway, I would like to that all you lovely people that are showing me support by commenting on my blog. I have replied to all of your lovely comments :) . I am also very grateful for the suggestions that people have made as well.

What did I do today? Well it is 7.25pm and I have just got my pjs on and sitting on the upstairs computer while my husband and son are gearing up to watch the rugby - boring !!

It was a normal Saturday as far as shopping and housework goes. No netball today as both my girls had birthday parties to go to. We have just picked our 13 year old up from her friends 14th birthday where they went and played "bubble soccer" - never heard of it but sounds like she had fun.

My 15 year old is at a 16 year birthday party and yes, there is alcohol. That scares the living daylights out of me as I am terrified that she is going to turn into me at a young age. You see, she is a mirror image of my behaviour which is the bad aspect of my behaviour. The difference is that I only started drinking and exhibiting bad behaviour when I was 40 - I am now 48. I only hope that she has enough sense that she thinks about what alcohol has done to her and can see what is has done to me and choses not to go down that path. At the end of the day, I cannot control her anymore. In fact, I can't control anyone except myself and how I chose to react to situations. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have (well in the process) of accepting that I am a :control freak:. I so hate that work but when I think about it, for me, it means that I always want to be involved in the outcome and want things done my way. My way hasn't worked so well for me lately so I guess it is time to be realistic and try and unlearn this behaviour and "chill out". Me "chill out" I don't know that I know how. Blogging is certainly helping because it is focusing my mind on doing something positive.

I also went to an AA meeting today. I quite like the meetings because they force you sit quietly and listen to other people. There is always, always something positive I take away. I feel like a bit of an AA failure really because all that is required, supposedly, is a desire to stop drinking. Well I have had a desire to stop drinking for quite sometime but I obviously haven't been willing enough. Anyway, when it was my turn to share I mentioned that I thought I was a very willful person. There has been positives in my life with this trait the best one being that I wanted an accountancy degree and I worked hard to get it. It did not come easy for me but I was determined to get the degree and I aimed to graduate my year as "top graduate". I achieved this. Goodness knows how as I had never been top at anything in my life - just Jo average. I was very proud of this and held down some really good jobs because I was willing to suceed. Then comes alcohol. The reason I think I am willful (apart from the above) is that when I spent time at Capri Hospital in Auckland I thought I could get away with breaking the rules. It is hard to bullshit a bullshiter when all the staff are recovering addicts themselves! They know the length people will go to. Anyway, I used to sneak wine in on shopping days. I would deliberately hide the wine and then have a negative breath test (of course) and then go and discretely (so I thought) consume it without anyone noticing. For goodness sake, I was only fooling myself and I got caught out 3 times and chucked out. I got away with it for a bit but once they cottoned onto me they were all over me. I through tantrums, pleaded innocent, begged and pleaded but to no avail.  I screwed it up but wanted instant forgiveness and tried anything -If this is not willful behaviour I don't know what is.

My mum is coming around for lunch tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it because it is the first time she has been to my house since we had a "blow-up" in April. It seems like a lifetime ago and it feels like it has taken an eternity for her to forgive me. Again, I wanted instant forgiveness but life doesn't work that way.

Well, I am pleased I managed to rewrite this without deleting it this time. I have been summoned to watch the rugby but that is Ok at least I am wanted and I can distract myself my playing Candy Crush or something. I might even make a few meaningless comments. Lets hope I get the right player in the right team.

I am trying not to think of my 15 year old and what state she will be in. At least, I hope, I wont have to see it as she is staying over with a friend. Definately a girl this week as I have checked and double checked. I say, I hope, because there was an incident when she was bought home by the police drunk one night and was rude and obnoxious (a mirror of me apparently) and ended spending a night in the police cells. Been there too. Not proud of that either.

Rugby is calling. Looking forward to reporting in tomorrow as how my day goes. Keep on viewing and commenting and even following (I have 3 followers now) as it really is helping me. Keep safe and sober :).