Wednesday July 2014

It is 11.09am and it is freezing and bleak.

Yesterday was great. I ended up having a long conversation with my mum and going for a 12k walk with my lovely ex nanny. Yes 12ks, 12ks - 12ks is a long way and it took us around 2 hours for a toilet and coffee stop.  I am sore today but it is nice sore. It is not like I was drunk and fell over and bruised my body (for a change) , this was great. I have done something positive and even though I am sore I am keen to do other things. When I got back from my walk we had my middle child friend dying her hair. The friend had told her mother that I was "an expert" I almost wet my pants laughing. I dyed my youngest daughter hair and did not read the box properly and although it is all even and lovely, it is a bloody permanent colour. My hairdresser just about shot me! I am never. never, dying hair again :). Upshot is that now , I have hair dye stains in my bathroom. Not bad, but still annoying. Have I lost the plot? No, I have not - (what is wrong with me?)

My "angels" plus an extra are still asleep. Last holidays I would have been so angry but today I think "don't sweat small stuff" - my dad always used to say that. Enjoy the peace and the serenity.

On my walk yesterday, it was a bit "awkward". I was walking with my lovely ex nanny that I will call "Y" from now on (too much typing otherwise) and we walked passed a service station on the same side of the road as my brother. He had  just  pulled up and got out of his truck. I don't want to cause any drama or be uncomfortable but I freaked out and said ""Y" "I don't want to see him, I don't think it is a good idea". We took a detour around the back of  the service station. I felt gutless not facing up to him but I don't think it would have worked out well and certainly would have been counter-productive (on my part anyway). It makes me sad but at the "end of the day" I can't force forgiveness on his part and I am trying to get over the resentment I have about him (or his wife) calling the police on me which may or may not result in another criminal conviction but will certainly result in about $5,000 in lawyers fees that we don't have! It would not have happened if I was not so determined to "make him accept my apology". I was trying to control the situation and it meant I fell flat on my face and who lost overall? My kids, mum, and hubby.  No mother wants her children to have animosity between them .I think , in some ways, since dad died we have drifted apart. Definitely, since my brother remarried and had his 4th child. Not his fault, not his wife's fault, it is just "life on life's terms" On a positive note, I am so proud of mum because she has become so much more confident. When dad died, she struggled with basics like writing out a cheque, paying with a debit card, using the electronic machines. It was all very foreign as dad did that. Now, she is organising her own investments, paying her bills on-line and challenging people/organisations for answers rather than being complacent. Go mum. :).

Check in later :)