Back to day 1 AGAIN. :(
Honestly, the last two days have been horrible and I have not coped and what did I do? I did what I always do and picked up a drink to block it out! Could I have done something different? YES - write my blog and offload, call a friend, go for a walk or anything just don't pick up a drink! Did it solve anything or change anything? NO. Are the same issues still here today but personified because of the impact of alcohol? YES. I know all this and this is the insanity, the fact that my alcoholic brain says "Go on Cherie, this time it will be different?" Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks says my sensible brain. Why on earth do I give into my alcoholic brain? Is it because it is purely a habit or am I just a weak person?
I am so angry with myself but I find that chastising myself ends up carrying the cycle on! I am certainly not going to pat myself on the back but somehow I need to motivate myself to get me out of this horrendous cycle.
After my post on Tuesday I let my daughter win by picking up a drink. Yes, I stupidly played right into her hands and she was basking in the glory of bringing me down. What did I prove to her (and myself)? That I am a drunk with no backbone to stand up and be the adult and not take her crap on board! Good job Cherie - great role model!!
We also had some not so good news on Tuesday. My husband and I have a minute shareholding in the firm he works for. He is an executive amongst many other executives. Well, he has been told that he has to relinquish half of his shareholding because he has not been performing at the level expected of an executive. Bastards. He is in the office at 7.30am everyday and does a few hours work at home as well. The upshot of this is that because he has refused to travel (he is supposed to travel overseas and nationally pretty regularly) because of his unpredictable alcoholic wife and has been coming home "at a drop of the hat" when the kids phone and say "mum's drunk" even if I am not drunk, that he has significantly damaged his reputation, I feel so quilty and sick to the stomach because he worked so hard to get to that level. Alcohol has taken my career and now we are seeing the physcial and financial impacts on his. He does not blame me but made it clear that my drinking has certainly impacted him.
Great, we get the money back for the shares at a slightly higher price then we paid for them - whoopee- but off course, long term, we no longer get any dividends on these shares. He says he is lucky as some people have been told to reliquish all of their shares! I should be grateful.
So, what can I do about this situation? Nothing is the answer because I cannot not control the decision and it has already been made. So, what can I do to make sure that next year he is offered his shares back rather than told to relinquish the remainder of his shares? I know, stop drinking!!!! Simple isn't it! So why, for an intelligent (I am wondering if I am intelligent at all), determined (bloody determined to ruin) women do I just not get on and do this. Am I happy the way I am? NO I am bloody miserable.
I hate being stuck at home and I hate that I have got fat and I hate that I can't seem to get a job. It is all because of alcohol so I need to hate that.
Sorry for the angry blog but I feel better now. The last thing I want to do is to drink today too.
Don't be too hard on yourself Cherie. Your daughter is being very difficult isn't she? It must be so hard for you. Keep trying, you WILL get there. Thinking of you. A x
ReplyDeleteCherie, I am so proud of you for coming here and owning up. It means you are still trying. Don't ever give up. It may take lots of attempts before you succeed. Always make the commitment to be sober and come here no matter what. You are very brave for trying to stop this destructive disease from ruining your life and that of your family. You would be very surprised how quickly the kids will forgive you once you have a few months of sobriety under your belt. Your husband needs you to do this and I can tell that you want it so badly too.
ReplyDeleteGo to www.mywayout.org and click on Our Community. Read the posts there. You will find so many supportive people who are just like you and I. Sending cyber hugs your way.
xoxo Deb
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ReplyDeleteThanks Deb. I will look at that.
DeleteCheries xx
My husband has sacrificed his career 'slightly' a few times because of my drinking and boredom. Not that he ever admits it - to him, I'm the one that sticks around and supports him, follows him around the country, takes care of everything at home, he doesn't ever have to worry about anything beyond work. I think we beat ourselves up sometimes because we're here (at home) and they are not.
ReplyDeleteWe underestimate ourselves, especially when we are coping with our wine in hand. What else is left to do? Plenty.....we just need to learn.
It's 1.16pm and I've had a glass of wine with lunch. I am really ashamed, but I bloody bored on my own. You are not alone Cherie. We are decent people deep down.
Yes we are "sick people trying to get well" not "bad people trying to be good"
ReplyDeleteCherie xx